by Tia Siren
I slowly wandered through the apartment, noticing it was neat and tidy. It was obvious she didn’t have a lot of money. The furnishings were worn and outdated, but they looked remarkably comfortable. I made my way into Iris’s room and stopped in the doorway. The room was decorated with artwork I knew Tracy had painted. I paused to look at each painting. I would keep them all and put them in Iris’s room when I gained custody of her. I would get her.
I opened the door to Tracey’s room and stayed put. I couldn’t go inside. I couldn’t open any of her drawers. It felt like an invasion of privacy. I would ask Avery to do it. She knew her best. We had a couple weeks before we had to clear out the apartment. I wasn’t going to rush anything.
I walked into the tiny living room, took in the various toys and baby gear scattered about, and suddenly felt as if I had been hit by a two-thousand-pound wrecking ball. The wind whooshed out of my lungs, and I collapsed onto the couch. My chest felt as if the wrecking ball had landed on top of it. I couldn’t breathe.
Then I lost control. The grief I had been carrying around since my parents’ death hit me, made stronger by the loss of my sister. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried. I had probably been five years old or younger. Tears poured down my face as I heaved out a sigh, dragging in a breath only to end up choking on it.
I leaned forward, propping my elbows on my knees, and buried my face in my hands as the sobs wracked my body. Every ounce of energy was zapped as I struggled to breathe through the sobs. I wasn’t sure how long I stayed like that, but when the tears slowed and I could breathe again, I felt as if the burden had been lifted. I stood and went to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face.
“Fuck,” I groaned, looking at my red, puffy eyes.
I looked terrible. I was embarrassed by my breakdown and very glad no one had been there to see what had happened. I knew it was my own fault. I had been carrying around guilt and grief for too long without acknowledging it. Tracy had warned me it would sneak up on me one day. I had even seen a therapist once; she told me the same thing. I never went back to the therapist. I couldn’t admit weakness. Loving someone made me feel weak. Crying over the loss of anyone made me feel weaker. Men didn’t cry.
I had been dead wrong. I had lost out on precious time with my sister because I had been a stubborn ass. I grabbed a garbage bag from under the sink and shoved a few of Iris’s toys and clothes into the bag. I’d buy her a new bed and new toys. I wasn’t sure I could have Tracy’s things in my house. It would be too weird.
By the time I walked out of the apartment and got into the waiting car, I felt remarkably better and like a different person than I had been when I walked in there. I had a clear mission. I had to get Avery to marry me. I wasn’t going to stop until she said yes. I was willing to pay her a healthy wage if she agreed to do it. I was going to win custody of Iris, one way or another. It was the only way I could ever repent for my sins against my family. I wasn’t sure I could ever be happy if I didn’t do something to make up for my horrible behavior in the past.
Chapter Nine
Avery
I felt numb. I couldn’t let myself think about what was happening. If I thought about never seeing Iris again, I was going to lose my shit. I had to play it cool for Iris’s sake. I didn’t want to upset her by bawling and acting like a complete lunatic.
“It’s okay. We’ll be okay. I’m going to see you real soon,” I chanted as I carried Iris into the health and welfare building. Inside, I felt as if there was a knife in my gut.
I did my best to appear completely cool. I knew I was failing miserably. Tears were streaming down my face as I walked down the hall to Janice’s office. She was waiting for me. I could tell she was immediately uncomfortable with the situation, and I felt some satisfaction in that. I hoped she felt like shit. I hated her.
“This is only a formality,” she said.
“It’s stupid,” I spat out, not willing to hold back my opinion. I had already lost, so what did it matter?
Janice stood in front of her desk. “I am sorry. This is what the court feels is best. Court is scheduled for next week.”
I shook my head. “Why can’t she stay with me until then?” I choked out. “Why are you doing this?”
“I’m not doing anything. This is nothing personal. I told you it was about the child’s best interests. We have a foster family who is more suitable to providing the right environment. Once you can prove you are an adequate guardian, you will have the chance to regain custody.”
I shook my head, feeling as if my heart were being pulled out as she took the diaper bag from my shoulder.
“I wrote down her feeding and sleeping schedule. She has to sleep with her blanket,” I said, speaking around the lump in my throat.
Janice nodded and looked pointedly at the car seat I was still gripping in my hand. “You can keep the car seat.”
I nodded, tears blurring my vision as I bent down to unbuckle Iris. I kissed her softly on the head and handed her to Janice. I could hardly see as I spun around on my heel and left. If I stayed another second, I wouldn’t leave. I would knock Janice on her ass and take Iris.
I managed to get to my car before the tears dried and anger took over. I was pissed.
I grabbed my phone and dialed the number Jake had given me.
“Hello?” he answered, sounding strange.
“Jake?” I asked, unsure if I had the right number.
“Yes. Avery?” he said, clearing his throat.
“They took her,” I blurted out.
“Who took who? Oh shit,” he said when he figured it out without me having to say it.
“Yes. Oh shit is right. We need to talk. Can you meet me in thirty minutes?” I asked, wanting to do something to get Iris back.
“I can’t,” he said.
“What do you mean you can’t? You told me to call you. I’m calling you and now you’re too busy?”
“I’ve got something to do.”
I shouted something unintelligent before taking a deep breath. “What’s more important than your niece?”
“Avery, I’m—”
I cut him off. “Never mind. I knew it was stupid to think I could actually believe you wanted to do something to help Iris.”
I hung up the phone and started the car, driving erratically as I left the parking lot and headed for home. It was my own fault for thinking he would actually do anything to help. He was in it for him. I didn’t matter. This was what he wanted. He wanted Iris, and now that I had lost temporary custody, the door was wide open for him.
I pulled into the driveway at home and rushed inside the house. I could feel the world caving in on me and wanted the comfort of my bedroom when it finally did collapse. I barely made it to my room before I fell onto my bed and bawled. My world had been shattered, and I had no idea how I was going to put it back together. Iris had been the final bit of glue holding me together, and now that she was gone, there was nothing left.
I cried until my head hurt. A soft knock on the door startled me. “What?” I gurgled.
Sally pushed open the door and looked at me. I had to look pretty desperate, curled up on the bed in the fetal position and blubbering as I was.
“Oh, sweetie,” she said and came to sit beside me.
Her gentleness brought out a fresh new wave of tears. The sobs actually hurt my body as I let out the pain I had endured over the past week. It seemed unfathomable. All I could think about was that I had failed in the one thing Tracy had asked of me. She had given me her daughter to care for, and because I was jobless and renting a room, I couldn’t do it. I had failed miserably.
“Let it out, dear. Let it all out and you’ll feel much better,” Sally said in a soft voice.
I shook my head. It wouldn’t be better. I couldn’t imagine how it would ever be better. Everything was terribly wrong, and I had no means to fix it. I had lowered myself enough to call Jake, and even he had shot me down. I felt like an idiot. I should have known
he would never help.
The sobbing began to subside. I could feel my heart throbbing in my skull. Sally rose from my bed and walked away. I instantly felt bereft at her absence and had a sudden realization that she was not long for this world either. How would I live without her in my life?
She returned a couple minutes later holding a glass of water and a bottle of ibuprofen. “You’ll probably need these,” she said gently.
I managed to sit up on the bed, grabbing a few more tissues from the near-empty box beside my bed and wiping away the tears. “Thank you.”
I took the medicine and drank down the glass of water, feeling parched after my crying jag.
“Want to talk about it?” Sally asked.
I shook my head no. “I don’t think I can talk about how much I failed Tracy. I know I did. I failed her and Iris.”
“No, you didn’t. This is a bump in the road. Nothing worth anything in life is easy. We wouldn’t appreciate it as much if it were. It has to be hard to make sure you appreciate it and value it and, most of all, cherish it,” she said with all the wisdom of someone who had been on the earth for seventy years.
“I don’t like the bumps. I appreciated Tracy and Iris just fine. I didn’t need them to be taken away from me to realize that.”
She patted my hand. “I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but there is always something good on the horizon. You have to take these knocks and keep rolling.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know if I can. This sucks. I mean, this really sucks, and I don’t see anything good coming my way anytime soon. At least nothing as good as getting Iris back.”
“Well, I know you are not the kind of girl who rolls over and gives up. You’re the kind of girl who stands up and fights back.”
I chuckled. “I don’t think I am that girl. If I were, I wouldn’t be in bed crying like a baby.”
She shrugged. “We all have our breaking point. Now you know what yours is. You found it, lived through it, and now it is time to dust yourself off and kick some ass.”
I gasped at her language. “Sally!”
She laughed. “Oh, please. As if I’ve never used the word.”
I began to feel a little better. Sally had taken me under her wing years ago. My mom had died shortly after I’d graduated high school. Her death had rocked me a bit, which was why I had decided to live life rather than spend hours in some college classroom. All that living had brought me to where I was today. I was twenty-five and working part-time at a library. That was not exactly the job that said you made it.
“Let’s go get some cheesecake. I could use some sugar,” she said, standing and reaching for my hand.
I nodded, realizing I was hungry. I had received the phone call last night that had turned my world upside down for the second time in a week. I hadn’t eaten since then.
“Sit down,” Sally ordered when we were in the kitchen.
I sat at the table and stared out the window into the backyard. Everything looked so normal. It didn’t seem right. The world should have looked twisted and dark to match my gloomy soul.
“Here you go!” Sally sat down and presented me with a healthy slice of cherry cheesecake.
“Oh my god, this looks amazing.”
I grabbed my fork and took the first bite, relishing in the blast of sweetness that erupted in my mouth. We both scarfed down the cheesecake before washing it down with a cold glass of water.
“Cheesecake fixes everything,” she said with a smile.
I chuckled. “I never knew it was so powerful. I’m going to have to remember this for any future crisis I will endure.”
“Okay, now that we’ve blasted your blood sugar levels and rehydrated you a bit, let’s talk about what you’re going to do,” she said, pushing the plates out of the way and looking very serious.
“What I’m going to do?” I asked in confusion.
She nodded. “Yes. What are you going to do to fight for Iris?”
I sighed. “Oh, Sally. I would love to, but I don’t have what it takes to be her legal guardian. I’ve known that all along. I was hoping they wouldn’t figure it out.”
“Nonsense. I raised two children on my own with barely enough food on the table to feed them. They turned out fine. Women are resilient, especially when it comes to doing what it takes to keep their children alive and well.”
“But Iris isn’t my child,” I pointed out.
She shrugged a shoulder. “Minor detail. Do you want her?”
“Yes!”
“Do you love her?”
“Yes! Of course. I love that little girl more than I’ve loved anyone in this world. How is that even possible?” I asked, only now realizing how much I loved a child that wasn’t even my own.
“Because you’ve been there since day one. You helped Tracy throughout the pregnancy, and you watched Iris take her first breath in this world. You are as much of a parent as anyone can be. You have a special bond with that little girl, and that is worth fighting for.”
I nodded. “I do. What can I do? That Janice woman all but told me I was an unsuitable parent. I have to have a full-time job and a house. How dumb is that?” I said, realizing how impossible it was. “She wants me to work full-time and keep up a house while providing plenty of nurturing for the baby.”
Sally smiled. “Welcome to motherhood. I think you can do all of it. It is stressful and trying, but it can be done. But, that isn’t for you to prove.”
“What do you mean? I have to prove it, and fast if I want to get Iris back before she heads off to high school.”
“You need a lawyer,” she stated firmly.
I thought about Jake and his army of lawyers. “Jake has lawyers. Expensive lawyers. I can’t possibly beat him at that game.”
“Dear, it isn’t always about who has the most money or the flashiest attorney. It is about who can be the best parent to that little girl. Any sane judge will see that.”
I shook my head. “Sally, I can’t afford an attorney. They require retainers, and I can tell you my bank account is missing a few zeroes to make that a possibility.”
She took my hand, clasping it between her own. “I have plenty of zeroes, and I want to pay the retainer for you.”
“No. I can’t let you do that.”
“Yes, you can. You can pay me back once you find that flashy job you are going to get. Let me do this. You need that little girl in your life, and she needs you.”
“Sally.” I hesitated. “I don’t know. What if it doesn’t work? It could cost thousands of dollars, and I may still lose.”
Sally sat up straighter. “Well, quite frankly, I don’t ever plan to lose. If that happens, then you will at least have the satisfaction and comfort of knowing you tried. You gave it your all. That will bring you some peace of mind.”
I sat back in the chair and mulled over the idea. I wasn’t well-versed in family law. Janice could be steamrolling me and I would never know it. Jake’s lawyers were going to be looking out for his best interests. I had to do what I could to protect Iris. That was what Tracy would want me to do, even if it meant I was in debt for the rest of my life.
“I’ll do it. I want to take you up on your offer. I will pay you back, Sally. Somehow, someday, I will pay you back every penny for everything you have done to help Iris and me,” I vowed.
“Good. I was hoping you would say that. I made an appointment for you with one of the top family law firms in the city,” she said with a smile.
“Sally!”
She laughed. “Sweetie, you need to do this. I can’t sit back and let this happen. Us girls have to stick together. I’m in your corner, and I’m ready to fight.”
I jumped out of my chair and wrapped my arms around the small woman. “Thank you, Sally. I am so glad you are in my life. I seriously don’t know how I would ever survive without you.”
“Me either, dear,” she teased.
“I’m going to take a quick shower and then get busy applying for more jobs. One of
these companies is going to hire me. I’ll make them hire me!”
I could hear her laughter as I walked to my bedroom. Sally had given me back the fight I knew I had. I wasn’t going to be so easy to beat. I couldn’t wait to see the look on Jake’s and Janice’s faces when I strolled into court with my own fancy lawyer.
Chapter Ten
Jake
It was technically after hours, but with the amount of money I paid George every month, he could make the time for me. I had called twice, getting more pissed by the minute each time his secretary told me he was still in court and would return my call the minute he was out.
I had been pacing my hotel room, ready to climb the walls. I hated not working. Today had been a bitch of a day, and I needed to blow off some steam. I couldn’t do that until after I had talked to George.
When my phone rang with a California number, I snatched it up, practically shouting hello.
“Jake. George here. Sorry about the delay. Had a doozy of a court case. What’s going on?” he asked.
I growled in frustration. I quickly gave him the rundown, explaining that my only living family member had been tragically killed, leaving behind a child I wanted to raise. I could tell by the various sounds he was making as I talked that it wasn’t going to go as I had hoped.
“Well?” I asked. “How are you going to make this happen?”
George let out a long sigh. “It isn’t quite so easy. Family law is no joke. I’m going to need to call in a colleague to help me with this one.”
“Who?” I asked, not pleased to have someone else wading around in my private business.
“He’s a good guy and knows Arizona. That’s what you want on your side, trust me. Anyway, from what I know of the family court system, they’re sticklers for rules. There is no bending anything.”
“What does that mean? I’m out of luck? George, you know damn well that is not an answer I’m willing to accept.”
He cleared his throat. “Not saying that at all. I’m saying you are going to have to play by their rules.”