by Tia Siren
“Forget it,” I said, striding away, “And no, I don’t know where your stupid pen is.”
It turned out that Deidre had his precious pen. Although it took him a good hour of storming around to finally locate it on her desk with all the other pens.
“Do you think I should’ve told Mark first?” Brooke asked, after he’d stormed past us toward the bathroom, with no warning whatsoever.
“Yeah, maybe,” I said, “Though I guess if you had, I’d be moping around now. So you’d either have a mopey me or a grumpy him—either way you’d lose.”
She let out a musical laugh.
“Yeah, I guess I would.”
We were in the office now, just us. The door was closed and we were in between consultations. She was sitting on the chair next to me, looking at me with her alert hazel eyes and shy smile. God, how I wanted to kiss her.
“Why don’t you just tell him now?” I asked.
She shook her head, frowning.
“You really think I should break it to him as a passing comment?”
I shook my head, remembering how it had felt—like the ground was falling out from under my feet.
“No, you’re right—I think it’s the kind of thing that requires a chair and some food.”
She smiled, then sighed.
“Yeah, exactly. And he already told me he had dinner plans—so I guess it’s lunch tomorrow.”
“He has no dinner plans,” I said, “Mark just visits his grandma Monday night. Usually it’s later at night, but sometimes he does it right after work.”
“Wait—Mark has a grandma he’s really close to?” Brooke asked, leaning nearer to me with interest, “Why hasn’t he ever mentioned her?”
“Because she’s dead,” I said, “and has been for years. She was his closest family. She took Mark in after his mom ran off. His mom was a drug addict and pretty crazy. His grandma took care of him—she was the only person who really ever did.”
“Huh, aren’t we just a bunch of sad old souls,” Brooke said softly, her pink-lipped smile at once ironic and sad, “All of us had pretty shitty dads.”
I laughed.
“Yeah, well, I guess that would explain why we’re all fucked-up.”
Brooke looked at me, surprised and a bit hurt.
“I’m not fucked up—and neither is Mark, or you.”
I shrugged.
“Sorry, it was mostly a joke. Anyway, the way I see it, everyone’s fucked up in different ways. The trick is making your life work despite being fucked up; or if you’re really lucky and ingenious, because of your fucked up.”
To my surprise, Brooke broke out into a beaming big-toothed smile.
“You know, I like that. It reminds me of a quote my mom says sometimes, “No matter how much you fucked things up, Brooke, just remember, you can always un-fuck them up too.”
I laughed.
“I like that too. Kind of a nihilistic optimism.”
She smiled again. This one was so big that it spread to her black-shadowed eyes, crinkling them into little half-moons. Seeing those eyes of hers shine that way because of something I’d said, I was no longer able to hold in the words I’d been wanting to say this whole time.
“You look really beautiful right now, you know.”
“Jake,” she said softly.
“Shhh,” I said, putting my lips on hers.
“Let me do this, please. Just for a few seconds.”
The door behind us opened.
“So glad you two have been enjoying yourselves, while I’ve been trying to get some work done,” Mark said sarcastically.
His red face looked livid.
“You know what, Mark?” I shot back, “Fuck you—it isn’t what you think.”
“Then, for the gazillionth time, what is it?”
I turned to Brooke, who shook her head.
“Mark, if I could just talk to you at dinner.”
He shook his head firmly.
“I told you—I have plans, so it’s now or never.”
Brooke paused, glancing at me.
“Guess it’s never then,” Mark said, slamming the door behind him.
For the hour or so that was left, Mark avoided us. Brooke and I talked to a former patient about her impressive rhinoplasty results, then packed up to go home. Brooke paused at the door.
“So what happened today, does that mean?”
“No,” I said, “I’m sorry. I’ll really think about it, but I don’t think there’s much hope.”
Brooke blinked rapidly, her head bowing down.
“Yeah, no I totally understand, Jake. No worries if you can’t.”
And then she swept away. I peeked my head out of the door to watch her exit the clinic. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle sharing her, and yet, if the alternative was not having her at all, I didn’t know what I’d do.
That night, I stayed late at the clinic. I was surprised to hear crying, as I made my way to the waiting room to leave. There, head flopped on her desk, and sobbing away, was Deidre.
“Um, Deidre?” I said tentatively.
“Dr. Teller, Mark!” she said, her head bobbing up as fast as a jack-in-the-box.
She wiped at her eyes.
“Sorry, I was just,” she sniffed, “feeling frustrated with online dating.”
I gave her a sympathetic smile.
“No worries. The dating world can be a pretty vicious place.”
She gave me a dubious look, as if she was unsure whether she could buy the notion that a successful surgeon could actually have romantic problems.
“I often check my profile, the last thing after work,” she confessed, “Once I’m done with everything for the day, of course. Only this time, well, there was a whole bunch of creeps. Saying horrible things, like what time should they come over, like they’d like to see me without my glasses and clothes, nasty stuff like that. And that’s actually totally normal.” She rubbed at her eyes under her glasses again, as she gave a hiccupped laugh. “Only this time, the guy I really liked, who I’d been talking with for weeks—he just disappeared. He deleted his profile—no explanation. I mean, we hadn’t even met for a date yet, but we were going to, we were making plans to.”
Deidre paused, as if reconsidering her entire outburst.
“I’m sorry, this all must sound ridiculous to you.”
“No, not at all,” I said, “I’ve had people disappear on me too—and it’s the worst thing in the world. Especially when they don’t give you an explanation so you can try to understand it.”
Again, Deidre shot me a dubious look, but continued on, “Anyway, I guess I was upset because there’s lots of people out there sure, plenty of fish in the sea. But this fish,” stabbing a sparkly thumbnail at herself, “doesn’t really get along with 99% of those fish. And when she does finally meet one she does get on with—well, then she really wants it to work out.”
And then, with no more warning than a loud sniffle, Deidre had her head on the desk again, sobbing her heart out. I tentatively walked over and patted her shoulder.
“I’m really sorry to hear that, Deidre. I understand completely. Do you want me to leave you be now for tonight?”
Her polka-dot shirted back shuddering with sobs, I could just make out her, “Y-yes.”
So, out the door I went, secretly relieved to be away from such a scene. It made me uncomfortable seeing people cry—I never knew what I was supposed to do.
As the elevator beeped its way down, I couldn’t help but mull over her words. Really, that was the eternal struggle, wasn’t it? Finding someone we actually got along with—and then, once we’d finally found them, getting it to work out. That’s what I’d done, after years of loneliness and bitterness, I’d finally found Brooke. Now that I had found her, what good did it do me? What good did it do me even if she felt the same, when she wanted to be with another man too, my best friend, no less?
And yet, as I walked out of the building into the foggy air outside, the alternative see
med even more unbearable. Maybe I couldn’t live with Brooke being with another man, but I definitely couldn’t live without her at all.
Chapter 20
Brooke
So, how bad would today go?
That was my recurring thought as I brushed my teeth this morning, and drove to work. Now, as I walked into the office and waved hi to Deidre, who had a phone at each ear, it was my thought once more.
How bad would today go, and how could I make it go better?
The situation was impossible. I’d seen how Jake reacted yesterday, and Mark was probably going to take the news even worse. Although it did seem like Mark had thought I’d picked Jake, so surely me giving him this offer couldn’t be worse, could it? Guess I’d have to find out.
When I entered the office, both of them were on opposite ends of the room, not speaking. Jake looked even worse than he had last night. He only gave me a curt nod, while Mark didn’t acknowledge me at all. Nevertheless, I steeled myself, then walked up to him.
“So lunch today, would you?”
Mark turned to look at me with narrowed eyes.
“If you’re going to tell me that you picked Jake, then you can just tell me here.”
His angry blue-eyed gaze darting to Jake, he said, “You guys can just get it over with.”
“I already told you,” I said, “That is not what the lunch is to tell you, okay? Will you just give me a chance?”
Impulsively, I grabbed his hand.
“Please, can you just give me a chance?”
Mark’s hand was tense under my grip. He shot me a sidelong glance, then his face softened.
“Yeah, guess I could do that.”
“Good,” I said, giving his hand a squeeze, “Thank you.”
Mark pulled away his hand, his gaze already going suspicious.
“Yeah well, don’t thank me yet. First I have to hear what this lunch of yours is about.”
I nodded, trying my best not to let my nervousness show.
“And you will.”
Uncanny. Oddly enough, the hostess put me at the same table I’d been sitting at when I’d broken the news to Jake. This time, however, there was no light small talk, no easy joking.
As soon as the hostess had left to get us water, Mark had focused his steely-eyed gaze on me.
“So. Spill it,” he said.
“Okay, so,” I began.
I trailed off, gazing into his cold eyes. How should I begin? I’d hurt him, I could see that. I didn’t want to hurt him any more than I had already.
“I didn’t choose Jake,” I blurted out.
Mark’s face registered joy, then confusion.
“What? Then why in the office were you two—”
I put my finger to his lips.
“Let me finish. I didn’t choose Jake, because I like you, Mark. I like your irreverence and your playfulness. I like how you blew my mind in bed. I like how laidback and fun you are.”
The muscle in Mark’s jaw was working, with his eyes he scanned my face nervously.
“So then,” he said slowly, “You’re saying that you chose me.”
“Kinda,” I said, taking both of his hands and staring into his eyes, “I chose both of you.”
Immediately, a mask of coldness descended on Mark’s face.
“That wasn’t what we agreed on,” he said.
“I never agreed to that,” I shot back, “You two just forced it on me. It wasn’t what I wanted—and it isn’t what I want now.”
Mark tore his hands away, placing his closed fists on the table.
Through he clenched jaw, he said, “Then what the hell do you want, Brooke? Cuz I sure as shit can’t tell.”
“Water,” our waitress said with a nervous laugh, placing two glasses down in front of us.
“Just give us a minute, sorry,” I said, with a nervous smile of my own.
She happily raced away, while I returned my attention to Mark.
“What I want is—both of you. I care deeply for both of you. As attracted as I am to you, Mark, I can’t deny that I have feelings for Jake, too. Is it that hard to understand? He is your best friend too, after all.”
“Was,” Mark corrected me coolly, “And if you think for a second that I’m down to do some weird-ass shit with Jake there just because you’re involved, then you are crazy wrong.”
“That’s not what I said,” I replied, getting annoyed myself, “All we’d have to be doing is what we are now. I’d be with you and then you’d be okay with me being with him, too. Because he makes me happy, Mark. Just like you do.”
“So basically, you want me to be a-okay with another guy fucking you, is that it?” Mark said, his eyes scanning mine.
“No,” I said, “Not just another guy—it would be Jake. Who used to be your best friend, and can be your best friend again, once we get this mess settled.”
Mark turned his gaze out the window, at the grey mass of pedestrians waddling by in the rain.
“So that’s why you went to lunch with Jake. For this.”
“Yep,” I said, and he sighed.
“Guess this is better than you just having picked him.”
“Yeah?” I said, hopefully.
He shrugged, giving me a broken smile.
“It’s always better to tie than to lose.”
“So, you’ll consider it?” I asked.
“Consider what? Are you even being serious?” Mark asked, “I mean, how would this ever work? Two guys and you? And not just some casual thing, but a real relationship?”
“I can’t say that I have much experience in it,” I admitted, “But I did read an article my friend Karly sent me. Apparently, it’s a thing in real life, called ‘throuples.’ It’s a couple, but with three people. I could have date nights with just you some nights and just Jake other nights. I don’t know, I can send you the article if you want. It sounded like they all lived a pretty charmed life.”
Mark rolled his eyes.
“Oh yeah, I’m sure. Just how those couples who open their relationship are totally fantastically happy—until they split up three years later.”
Seeing my hurt expression, he patted my hand.
“Sorry. I know I haven’t been in the best mood these past few days. It’s just—” He shot me a miserable look. “Damnit, I really like you Brooke, and seeing you with Jake like that is just near unbearable.”
“I’m sorry, too,” I said, shooting a forlorn look at his hand on mine, “I never wanted it to end up like this.”
Mark patted my hand again, letting out a sigh.
“Well it has. So I guess we’ll just have to deal with it.”
Our gazes met, and he nodded sadly.
“So, what did Jake say to it?”
I shook my head.
“He said he’d think about it, but he probably couldn’t do it. Basically, what you did. He even said that you’d probably be against it too.”
Mark nodded thoughtfully, smiling ruefully.
“Yep, the little bastard knows me pretty fucking well.”
I tried to laugh, but found that I couldn’t even make myself smile. My proposal was looking to be a total flop. What if both men decided I was more trouble than I was worth, and actually fired me over this?
“So,” Mark was saying, his hand taking mine, “If Jake and I don’t agree to this.”
“I can’t be with either of you,” I burst out, pulling away, “I’m sorry, I really am. But that’s how it’ll have to be. It’s either both of you or neither of you. I’m sorry.”
Mark nodded slowly.
“Yeah. I understand. I just hope you understand too—what you’re asking of us is pretty crazy. I mean, there’s a reason they write internet article about those ‘throatles’ or whatever they’re called. It’s because they’re one in a million. I mean, show me an article where they talk about a ‘throatle’ that’s lasted decades, not years.” He shook his head, “It all just seems too crazy to be doable.”
“It’s ‘throup
les,’ Mark,” I corrected him, “Couples—throuples, get it? And I do understand. I don’t even know if I could do it myself, all I’m saying is that I want to try. It seems completely crazy to me. But then again, back in the day, sex before marriage was seen as pretty crazy, too.”
He chuckled, interlinking his fingers between mine.
“Yeah, I guess it was, wasn’t it?”
Then, he rose.
“Where are you going?” I asked, surprised.
“I need to walk to clear my head,” he said, frowning, “You just threw a whole lot of stuff at me right now. Stuff to think about. I won’t decide today, but I certainly won’t be able to sit through a meal with you after all you told me. Sorry.”
Catching my glum face, he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
“Cheer up, Brookie, the fact that I’m slightly considering it at all is a testament to just how much I like you.”
“Really?” I said, smiling.
“Really,” he said.
He kissed me on the lips this time, offering me his arm.
“Come on, I’ll walk you out.”
Outside, he gave me another peck on the cheek. Then, he paused, staring deeply into my eyes.
“You know, Brooke Foley, you’re really something—you know that?”
And then, just when I was sure he was going to kiss me again, he turned away and left.
Back at the office, Jake was pleasantly surprised about Mark’s reaction.
“I was a bit worried he’d take it really angrily,” he said.
“Oh, he did at first,” I said, “But he was also happy that he still had a chance, I think.”
Jake smiled ruefully.
“Same as me, I guess.”
I studied his face.
“So, I guess it’s still early to ask,” I said, and he shook his head.
“The more I think about it, the worse I feel about it. I won’t say no outright to you, Brooke. But it isn’t looking good.”
“Yeah, of course, I understand,” I warbled, his words smacking into my gut.
I was going to lose Jake—and at this rate, maybe even my job, too.
“Hey,” Jake was saying, lightly patting my shoulder, “Don’t worry. At the end of the day, you’re still a great nurse and an irreplaceable part of this team.”