Frank understood he'd been dismissed and immediately vanished. Jin watched demons driving wretched sufferers up the mountainside to impale themselves on the countless spikes; the sight made her feel more than a little ill. She also realized she didn't have any way to identify who she was looking for. Jin rather doubted there would be any external sign at all. Jin risked a step onto the mountain and, even with her hard-scaled demon's feet, it was like walking on a stubble field so she didn't go far. She spied a little red demon with a wicked-looking spiked whip who was idle for the moment and spoke to him.
"You there. I need to ask you a question."
"There's no one here," it said defensively. "I can't drive anyone up the mountain if they aren't here!"
"That wasn't what I wanted to know. I'm looking for a man called Shiro. I believe he appears as a shadow most of the time. Have you seen him?"
"I've seen many shadows, Lord, but none that had a name."
At that moment a blinking, confused, and terrified old man appeared out of a tunnel at the base of the mountain and the little demon ran off to drive him up the mountain with its whip. Jin watched them for a moment, but quickly decided she'd had enough of the place and withdrew to the corridor.
"Not very nice, is it?" someone asked out of the darkness.
Jin did not jump, though it took an effort. She didn't bother to ask who was there, however. She knew.
"Shiro. I want to talk to you."
"Took you long enough," he said. "I gather you're ignoring good advice to do it."
Jin took a deep breath. "I said I wanted to talk to you. Are you willing to do so or are you going to behave like a sixteen-year-old boy on hormones?"
"Probably both," Shiro said. "But I'm listening."
"Then show yourself," Jin said. "I'm not talking to a shadow with an attitude."
"While we're on that subject, I'm not talking to any demons," Shiro said.
Jin realized she was still in demon mode. "Fine then. Meet me halfway."
Jin reverted to human and so did Shiro, after a fashion. He took the form of Jonathan Mitsumo though he looked younger, perhaps closer to thirty than forty. Was that his age when Guan Yin knew him that first time? She wondered if she was right about that or merely a trick of the poor light.
"You're looking very beautiful, Jin. You always did."
Jin sighed. "Spare me the silly lines, Shiro. Why have you been in the Hell of Hungry Ghosts?"
Shiro looked unhappy. "I was beginning to hope that you finally understood, Jin. Apparently not."
"I know that you think you're in love with me."
"Then you don't know anything," Shiro said sadly.
"Ok, I don't know anything. Now please answer my question."
"I was trying to help you, of course. I've always been trying to help you."
Jin had a sudden suspicion, and only cursed herself because it was a sudden suspicion. Considering what she had learned in the Hell of Hungry Ghosts, it should have been obvious.
"Were you helping my mother the way you helped that man in the Hell of Hungry Ghosts?" Jin asked.
"Of course. My interest in your mother was purely spiritual."
He said it so easily. It took every ounce of self-control that Jin possessed not to revert to demon form and rip Shiro to ragged shreds then and there. Shiro watched her closely, and finally nodded.
"You're furious. Good."
Jin blinked. Good? It wasn't for the first time, and Jin was sure it wouldn't be the last, but once more she had the strong suspicion that she didn't have clue one as to what was really going on. "I'd really like you to explain that, Shiro. Are you saying you helped my mother shorten her time in Medias to make me angry?"
He laughed then, but it wasn't the mocking, taunting laughter she'd envisioned from him. It was at once good-humored and rueful. "Oh, Jin... of course I didn't do it to make you angry! I did it because I wanted to help you, and that's the truth. And I can help you; you've seen that I can."
Jin sighed. No point denying the obvious. "Yes. Your point is?"
"Simply put: I want to be with you, and to be whatever it is you need. I love you."
Jin shook her head. "Even assuming I believe that, what you've said still doesn't explain why you think my being angry was 'good.'"
He smiled at her. "Because it was so human, Jin. What have I really done? I've helped your mother shorten her time in hell, albeit a relatively pleasant one. The Bodhisattva Guan Yin would be pleased, but the mortal Guan Yin is so angry she could spit. Why? Because Jin Hannigan has just lost her mother, and that's all she can see, and all she can understand. That's love, and loss. That's human."
Jin nodded. "You've told me something you think you know, Shiro, and you've spoken the truth to the degree you understand it. Fair is fair. I'm going to tell you something that you don't know."
He frowned. "And what would that be?"
"You think I'm here in mortal form so I can fall in love with you. Even though that didn't happen the first time."
"That was the first time, and it's in the past. This is now," he said.
"Why do you think I was so angry with you, that first time in the corridor? Even though at the time I had no idea who or what you were?"
"That? I didn't understand at first, but in time it became clear that it was because you misunderstood! You thought I was harming that child, or some such nonsense."
"Shiro," she said very calmly and clearly, "that is exactly what you were doing."
"No," he said. The smile faded.
Jin went on, relentless. "I may be mortal, but I am also Guan Yin, and I am not wrong about this. Your presence made it harder for Rebecca to pass over, and Mariko, and, yes, even Gnasher."
"That's not true!"
"I say it is."
"A mortal can be mistaken," Shiro said softly. "A mortal can lie. I'm sorry, Jin, but I don't believe you."
"Of course you don't. I never thought you would."
Shiro frowned. "I admit it -- I'm intrigued. Tell me why I don't believe you."
"Because in order to believe me, you'd have to believe the reason your presence harms those people. They catch your desire, your obsession, like a child catches a cold," she said.
He shook his head. "Jin, I know you came into this incarnation with your memories erased. You're confused, clearly, because surely you realize that what you just said made absolutely no sense?"
"Oh, no, Shiro. It makes perfect sense. "What you feel for me -- call it love if you want -- is very powerful. Frankly, Shiro, I've never seen a greater desire, a greater fixation on exactly the wrong thing in any hell I've visited. Your desire is so great that it affects everything around you, and especially all other ties to the Wheel of Death and Rebirth. Rebecca's doll, Mariko's fan, even Gnasher's rake! You're like a jumpstart to a dying battery -- you keep it alive past its time."
"Then how do you explain the hungry ghost?"
Jin was ready. "I'll answer that if you'll explain why your words only reached him when you were no longer present. Or did that not occur to you?"
Jin didn't need the stiffening in Shiro's posture to know she'd nailed that one. "All right then... what about your mother?"
"That was different," Jin said.
His look was all triumph. "Rubbish. I helped her. I did not strengthen her 'chains.'"
"I was her chain, Shiro. Just as I am for you. You were able to help her because of what you shared. She moved on when she realized what held her. Perhaps she helped you a little too, but then you already knew what held you. Stop embracing your chain, Shiro. It's time."
"Another lie."
Jin held up her wrist. "The broken thread tells me otherwise."
"Then why was I able to break it?"
"I don't know the answer to that. Do you?"
He did know. She saw it in his eyes.
"I was once a man, Jin. At the heart of it that's really all I am now. I make mistakes. Sometimes I'm weak, even after all this time, all my patience, all
my fighting. It never more than a moment, and never enough to turn me from my goal. I love you, Guan Shi Yin. You love me, too. I can prove it! Do you know why, in your demon form, you never tried to destroy me? Even though you thought I was this terrible threat?"
Jin sighed. "Let me guess...because I love you?"
"I don't deserve your sarcasm, Jin. It's because, in your mortal form, you cannot kill me with the pure heart that such an act requires. You yourself could be trapped in the Cycle of Death and Rebirth again. It would be a rare thing for a Bodhisattva, but it could happen. By becoming mortal again you've taken a terrible risk. I know you've asked yourself why. I've been asking myself the same thing, Jin, ever since I found you again."
Jin didn't know if Shiro was telling her the truth or not, but she did know that Teacher had said essentially the same thing.
"That's why up until now I've kept mostly to the shadows, even though I longed to be near you. See, it took me some time to work out why the Guan Yin that I knew would take such a horrible risk, and I've finally worked it out. You'd have done the same, in time."
"Tell me," Jin said softly.
"Before I do, there is one confession I have to make: I've eavesdropped once or twice when you were talking to Teacher. I know it was wrong of me, but I had to find out what you knew."
Jin just sighed. "I can't be any angrier at you than I already am, Shiro. That sort of thing is no more than I expected."
He smiled a bit ruefully. "I don't blame you. What you must have thought of me! What you still must think. That won't make this any easier. We still have a long way to go."
"'We' aren't going anywhere, Shiro. I may be the mortal Jin Hannigan, but I'm also the Bodhisattva of Mercy, Guan Yin, GuanShiYin, Kannon, take your choice. There is no 'us'! You know that has to be so."
Shiro just cocked his head slightly, regarding her as a student might regard a particularly vexing problem. "Do I? Don't forget -- I know something you don't know. I know why you're a mortal."
"Stop stalling, blast you! Either tell me or shut up!"
Shiro's smile did not falter. If anything it got wider. "You became a mortal, Jin, because only a mortal can fall in love."
Jin shook her head wearily. "That's it? That's the best you can do?"
"It's a start. That's enough."
Jin started to argue but she made the mistake, though she would often wonder if it really was a mistake, of looking into his eyes. The look told Jin the truth; she had seen it the vision Shiro had shown her the second time she'd touched him, and she saw it now. She did finally understand one of the few things the Guan Yin That Was had told her, though.
Things were much worse than she had thought.
Shiro stood by patiently, apparently waiting for her to say something, or to do something, or both, and Jin didn't have any idea of how to go about any of that. She thought furiously but, for several long moments, nothing came.
"What? No questions? Are you saying you finally accept what I'm telling you?"
"I accept that you think you're telling me the truth."
He smiled. "And I accept that, at the moment, you are not doing the same."
Jin was almost grateful. He'd given her a bit of her anger back, and it was certainly better than nothing. "I don't want to throw cold water on this fantasy of yours -- all right, that is a lie -- but it doesn't add up."
Shiro shrugged. "Really? How so?"
"Well...there's the thing about my memory. Even assuming you're right about my reasons for reincarnating, why visit Madame Meng and seek oblivion? Wouldn't I want to keep my plan uppermost in my love-besotted mind?"
"Sarcasm again... I take you for all you are, Jin, but I'm not loving that aspect of your mortal form. As for your memory, that's obvious -- without your memory you couldn't put up all the reasons why it wouldn't work or was a bad idea. You'd be fully mortal, and love as a mortal would. It's only because Emma-O found you first that this didn't work as you planned. I was too slow, and I failed. No matter; you may have good and sensible reasons for objecting, but you are a mortal woman and they will not stop you. In time, you will come to love me."
Sure of ourselves, aren't we?
What Jin didn't dare put into words was the horrid realization that she was none too sure of herself just now. Was it possible that Shiro was right? And if so, what did that mean? Jin remembered what Teacher had said to her about the idea of falling in love with Shiro -- it might be unlikely, but it wasn't impossible.
"I need time to think," Jin said, and Shiro just shrugged.
"Take all the time you want. I am a very patient man. If you don't realize that yet, you will."
"That almost sounds like a threat."
"It's the truth. No more and no less," Shiro said evenly. "I accept that you believe I'm harming your work. I'll be more careful. Until later, my love."
Shiro returned to shadow form and flowed away into darkness, leaving Jin shaken but still standing. She felt as if she'd gone three rounds with one of the Guardians. She summoned Frank and Ling. "Please take me to Teacher. Emma-O."
"He is -- " Frank started, but Jin wasn't listening.
"I don't care where he is! Take me there."
Ling shrugged, and Frank sighed. "As you wish."
(())
Chapter 24
In a moment they were standing inside the men's public bathroom in Resolution Park. The smell was indescribable, which Jin decided was a very good thing. Fortunately there was only one stall in use, and the door, though it barely hung together on rusty hinges, was in use. Frank looked unhappy but Ling was clearly trying her best not to laugh, and didn't look like she would succeed for very long.
Jin glared at the both of them. "Don't. Say. A. Word."
A surprised grunt from the stall. "Jin? Is that you?"
"I need to talk to you," Jin said, "but I'll wait outside."
Jin left the men's room, though not without a quick glance out to make sure no one was looking. "Fine, I should have listened," she said as she sat down on a nearby bench. "Add that to my tab of mistakes for the day."
Frank and Ling, as per her wishes, didn't say anything. Teacher finally emerged from the men's room, looking puzzled. "The demands of this mortal body can't always be ignored, but I must say I wasn't expecting visitors."
Ling made a noise, barely stifled. Jin ignored her. "Sorry, I was a little impatient. I've just talked to Shiro."
"I see," Teacher said. He sat down beside her. He obviously hadn't bathed in days or changed his clothes in longer than that. The smell wasn't pleasant but, compared to the men's room, it could have been rosewater.
"I see? Is that all you have to say?"
Teacher sighed. "No, that was merely a conversational pause while I wait for you to get to the point."
Stung, Jin did get to the point. "I'm sure about this, Teacher -- Shiro's in love with me. Not obsessed, though sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. He is really and truly in love with me."
Teacher slumped in his seat. "I thought so too, and I'd hoped it wasn't true. A simple obsession would have been easier to deal with."
"No shit! But Shiro is not crazed obsessive, or insane, or any of the things you'd expect from someone who has literally crawled out of hell to find the object of his affection. I see it in his eyes when he looks at me, and I can't mistake it for something it isn't, try as I might. He loves me. Angry as I am, worried as I am, I can't help but think that it's...well, a little sweet."
"Sweet," Teacher said, and slumped down on the bench. "And you still don't see why the Guan Yin that Was told you to avoid him?"
"I see all to well, but that was never really an option. I know that, and I think the Guan Yin That Was knew it, too. Also, if I realize that Shiro is in love with me it's a safe bet that she knew it, too."
Teacher nodded, looking glum. "Almost certainly. That would explain the danger."
"Would it? I'd really like to know why."
Teacher looked thoughtful. "Think about it and, w
hile you do, know this: I love you, Jin."
She just stared at him for several long seconds. "You...?"
He snorted in laughter. "You should see the panic in your eyes. Relax. But it's true -- I do love you. I also love Shan Cai and Lung Nu. I even love the guy I condemned to be boiled in his own urine this morning."
"Boiled in..." Jin kept staring. "Sometimes I wonder if I'm on the right side."
Teacher smiled "There's only one side and we're all on it, Jin. Even Shiro, though he's confusing the goal with the symbol at the moment. Now, the love I feel for you and everyone else I've mentioned is what allows me to help them, and makes me want to help them, painful as that help sometimes is. It's the same for you, Jin."
"But not Shiro?"
"No, Jin. Shiro is a man who escaped hell with his own determination and my bad judgment to be with the one he loves. In human terms that's an incredible love story, a romance for the ages. In karmic terms, however, it's a bloody disaster."
Jin sighed. "All right, already. I get that.
"Good, because otherwise I'm still explaining karma to Guan Yin. If this wasn't so dangerous, it'd be funny. Blast it, Immanent One, why did you do this?"
Jin didn't have to ask what he meant by that last bit. "I wish I knew," Jin said softly.
Teacher took a deep breath. "Sorry, Jin. Sometimes the ridiculousness of this situation just hits me. I've said before that you were in great danger, but I don't think I knew the half of it."
"Is that all love is? An obstacle? Something to be avoided?"
"No, only when it becomes an end in itself, and not a step along the journey, that it becomes an obstacle. It's an obstacle for Shiro, make no mistake. What is it for you?"
Jin blinked owlishly. "Me?"
Teacher watched her face closely. "Are you in love with Shiro, Jin? Please tell me the truth."
Jin thought very long and carefully before she answered. "For awhile I thought I was. Yet I remember love, Teacher, through the feelings of a girl dead a thousand years. I felt it. Touched it, tasted it, just as Michiko did. I also felt what it was like to be in love, as the first mortal incarnation of Guan Yin. It was like that... and it wasn't like that. No, Teacher. I am not in love with Shiro."
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