by Nora Roberts
“You didn’t have to bring it by.” If composure was all she had left, she would cling to it. “You could have dropped it in the mail. But thanks.” Her smile was so cold it hurt her jaw. “If that’s all, I’m in a hurry. I was just on my way up to change before I go out.”
“You can’t look at me when you lie.” He said it half to himself, remembering how her eyes had drifted away from his face when she said she didn’t love him.
She forced her gaze back to his, held it steady. “What do you want, Alexi?”
“A great many things. Maybe too many things. But first, for you to forgive me.”
Her face crumpled at that. She put a hand up to cover it, knowing it was too late. “Leave me alone.”
“Milaya, let me—”
“Don’t.” She cringed away, crossing her arms over herself in self-defense, and his hands stopped an inch away. There was an odd catch in his breath as he drew them back and let them fall to his sides.
“I won’t touch you.” His voice was quiet and strained. “Please, let me say what I’ve come to say.”
“What else could there be?” She turned away. “I know what you think of me. You made that clear.”
“What I did was hurt you and make a fool of myself.”
“Oh, yes, you hurt me.” She was still trembling from it. “But not just that last time. You hurt me every time you pulled back when I needed to tell you how much I loved you. I thought, I won’t let it matter, because he’ll have to see it. God, he’ll have to see it, because it’s right there every time I look at him. Every time I think about him. And he loves me. He wants me. In my whole life, no one wanted me. Not really.”
“Bess.”
She jerked away from his hands. “My parents,” she began, turning back. “How many times I heard them say to each other, ‘Where did she come from?’ As if I was some stray pet that had wandered in by mistake.”
When she began to roam the room, her shoulders still hunched protectively, he said nothing. How could he tell her he was sorry he’d opened up old wounds, and sorry, as well, that it had taken that to have her reveal those smothered feelings to him?
“I handled it.” Those stiff shoulders jerked as she tried to shrug it off. “What else could I do? It wasn’t their fault, really. They’ve always been so perfect, in their way, and I could never be. Not for them. Not even for you.”
“Do you think that’s what I want?”
She glanced back then. The tears had dried up. There was no point in them. “I don’t know what you want, Alexi. I only know it keeps circling around. I went from my parents into school. Those awful teenage years, when all the girls were so bright and pretty, and falling in and out of love. No one wanted me. Oh, I had friends. Somewhere along the line I’d learned that if you didn’t try so hard, if you just relaxed and acted naturally, that there were a lot of people who’d like you for what you were. But there was never anyone to love. There has never been anybody to love until you.”
“There’s never going to be anyone else.” He waited until she turned back. “I love you, Bess. Please, give me another chance.”
“It won’t work.” She rubbed at her drying tears with the heel of her hand. “I thought it would, I wanted it to. I was so sure love would be enough. But it’s not. Not without hope. Certainly not without faith.”
The calm way she said it had panic streaking through him. “Do you want me to crawl?” He ignored her defensive retreat and gripped her arms. “Then I will. You’re not going to push me out of your life because I was stupid, because I was afraid. I won’t let you.”
Was this how a man crawled? she wondered. With his eyes flashing fire and his voice booming? “And the next time you see me kissing an old friend?”
“I won’t care.” With a sound of disgust, he released her to stalk the room. “I will care. I’ll kill the next one who touches you.”
“Then New York would be littered with bodies.” It should be funny, she thought. Why wasn’t it funny? “I can’t change what I am for you, Alexi. I wouldn’t ask you to change for me.”
“No, you wouldn’t.” He scrubbed his hands over his face and struggled to find some balance. “I know a kiss between friends is harmless, Bess. I’m not quite that big a fool. But the other night, when I walked in—”
“You assumed I was betraying you.”
“I don’t know what I assumed.” It was as honest as he could get. “When I saw you, I felt… It was all feeling,” he said carefully. “So I didn’t think. In my heart, in my head, I know better than to assume anything. One of my own rules that I broke. There were reasons.” Calmer now, he walked back and took her hands. “We’d just finished the bust, and I was wired from it. I knew I’d tell you about it, all about it. I’d gone beyond trying to separate that part of my life—any part of it—from you. It was going to upset you to think about it, because of Rosalie. I knew that, too. Damn it, I knew you’d gone to that funeral alone, and I felt like the lowest kind of creep for letting you.”
He was prying her heart open again, inch by inch. “I didn’t think you knew.”
“I knew.” His voice was flat. All he could think was how desperately he wanted to hold her. “You leave notes everywhere. All these pieces of paper scattered around, with scribbling on them about dry-cleaning and dialogue and appointments. I saw the one about the flowers you’d ordered for her, and the directions to the cemetery.” He looked down at their hands. “If things hadn’t been moving so fast in the investigation, I would have taken the time. I would have tried to.”
That she didn’t doubt. “It was more important to me that you catch the man who killed her than that you go stand over her grave.”
“I wasn’t with you,” he said, more slowly. “And I wanted to be. And when I got here, I wanted to…” This was hardly the time to bring up the ring in his pocket. “I was churned up about a lot of things, Bess. My response was way out of line, and I’ll apologize for it as often as you like. But I’d like you to hear me out.”
“It’s all right.” She gave his hands a squeeze, hoping he’d release hers. He didn’t. “Alexi, Charlie was here because—”
“I don’t need to know.” Now he let her hands go to bring his own to her face. He wanted her to see what was in his eyes. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. You don’t have to change yourself for me.”
She felt something move inside her heart and was afraid to believe it was healing. “I’d rather clear the air. I was too angry to do it before. He came by to tell me that Gabrielle was expecting. He was like a little boy at Christmas, and he wanted to share his good news with a friend. And to ask me if I’d be godmother—even though it’s seven and a half months down the road.”
He lowered his brow to hers. “You should have slugged me, McNee.” When he moved his mouth toward hers, he felt her retreat. Patiently he stroked his thumbs over her temples. “Just once,” he murmured and tasted her lips.
He didn’t mean to deepen the kiss, didn’t mean to crush her against him and hold her so tightly neither of them could breathe. But he couldn’t stop himself until he felt her body shake with a fresh bout of tears.
“Don’t. Please don’t.” He pressed his face into her hair and rocked her. “I’ll break apart.”
Turning her face into his shoulder, she fought back the worst of the tears. “I didn’t want you to come back. I didn’t want to feel this again.”
He deserved that, he thought as he squeezed his eyes tight. “You were right to send me away. I want a chance to prove to you that you’re right to let me back in.” He brushed a hand through her hair. “You’re so good at listening, Bess. I have to ask you to listen to me now.”
“You don’t need to apologize again.” She could do nothing but love him, she realized, and, drawing back, she managed a smile. “And I can’t let you back in, because you were always here.”
Her words brought a pressure to his chest. He pressed their joined hands against it to try to ease it away. “J
ust that easy?”
“It’s not easy.” She supposed it would never be easy. “It’s just the way it is.”
“Mikhail said I would grovel,” he murmured. “Bess, you humble me.”
“Let’s put it behind us.” She drew a deep breath, then kissed both his cheeks as a sign of peace. “I’m good at fresh starts.”
“No.” Taking her hand, he pulled her to the couch. “I like our other start. We don’t need a new one, only to play this one out. Sit.” He pulled her down with him, keeping her hand close to his heart. “You explained, now I will. I was afraid to believe in you. No woman has ever meant what you mean, and I let myself imagine that you’d be with me forever. Just as I let myself imagine that you’d turn away. And because I was more afraid of the second, it seemed more real.”
“It’s hard to be afraid.” She turned her cheek to her hand. “I know.”
“You don’t know all.” He glanced away, toward the flowers subtly scenting the room. “You kept the lilacs.”
“I tried not to.” She smiled again. “But they were so beautiful.”
“I brought you something besides lilacs that day.” He reached into his pocket and drew out the box. Her hand went limp in his. He watched her lips tremble apart. “I don’t think it’s ostentatious.” When she only continued to stare, he shifted. “That was a joke.”
“Okay.” The two syllables came out in a whisper. “Are you—are you going to let me see it?”
For an answer, he opened the box himself. Inside was a gold band set with a rainbow of gems. He knew what they were only because he’d asked the jeweler to identify each of them. The amethyst, the peridot, the blue topaz, the citrine.
“I know it’s not traditional,” he said when she remained silent. “But it reminded me of you, and I wanted—hell, I wanted something no one else would have thought to give you.”
“No one has,” she managed, barely breathing. “No one would.”
“If you don’t like it, we can look for something else.”
She was afraid she would cry again and knew it would do neither of them any good. “It’s lovely. Beautiful.” She managed to tear her gaze from it. “You bought me this before? You had it with you the other night? You were going to give it to me, then you walked in and saw me with Charlie.” Laughing, she lifted a hand to her cheek. “I’m surprised you didn’t gun us both down. I couldn’t have written it better myself.”
“Then you forgive me?”
She already had, but since he was looking so nervous, she nodded. “Anyone with such good taste deserves a second chance.”
“I bought this days ago, but it took me a while to work up the nerve. Facing a junkie with an Uzi seemed easier.” But he was into it now, and he was going to finish. “My idea was to pressure you to accept it, then push for a quick wedding so you wouldn’t change your mind. But that was wrong.” He closed the box, and was encouraged by Bess’s quick gasp of dismay. “It was stupid, and it showed a lack of faith in both of us. I’m sorry.”
“I— You—” She let out a frustrated breath. “I don’t mind.”
“Of course you do,” he said. “It was calculating, even devious, when a proposal of marriage should be romantic. So, when we’re both ready, I’ll ask you properly.”
Her face fell. “When we’re both ready?”
“I don’t want to push you when you might be feeling a little vulnerable. Especially since a long engagement is out. So I’ll give you time.”
“Time,” she echoed, ready to scream.
“It’s fair.” He waited a beat. “Okay, I’m ready.”
Before she could laugh, he was down on one knee. “What are you doing?”
“A proper proposal of marriage.” He nearly launched into his humble little speech. Instead, his eyes darkened when she continued to laugh. “You don’t want one.”
“Damn right I want one. But I want you up here.” She took his hand to tug him back to the couch so that they were at eye level with each other. “I want you to look me right in the eye.”
“Okay, then I get something I want, too.”
“Name it.”
“I want to hear you say it.” He caught her hand, brought it to his cheek. “I want very much to hear you say it. I need to hear the words from you.”
“I love you, Alexi.” For the first time, she said the words smiling, knowing they would be taken as they were meant. “I’m going to love you forever.”
He turned his face so that his lips pressed into her palm. Taking the ring out of the box, he slipped it onto her finger. It shot out a rainbow of color. As he linked his fingers with hers, he lifted his head. “Be my family.” He shook his head before she could speak and felt himself stumble. “I meant to be romantic. Let me—”
“No.” Overwhelmed, she laid a hand over his lips. “That was perfect. Don’t change it. Don’t change anything.”
“Then say yes.”
“Yes.” She threw her arms around him and laughed. “Oh, yes….”
Passionate, proud and hopelessly romantic, the Stanislaskis are a family you won’t soon forget!
Look for the rest of Nora Roberts’s captivating six-book family saga, available now wherever ebooks are sold:
The Stanislaskis
Taming Natasha
Luring a Lady
Falling for Rachel
Convincing Alex
Waiting for Nick
Considering Kate
Don’t miss these other favorite series by Nora Roberts, also available now wherever ebooks are sold!
Stars of Mithra
Hidden Star
Captive Star
Secret Star
The MacKade Brothers
The Return of Rafe MacKade
The Pride of Jared MacKade
The Heart of Devin MacKade
The Fall of Shane MacKade
ISBN: 978-1-4592-1320-3
Convincing Alex
Copyright © 1994 by Nora Roberts
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