“Yeah, and you’re already drunk, Nick.”
“Bullshit. I meant it.”
She laughed. “Yeah, tell me in the morning. I need to see if Val needs help with the kids.” As she walked down the hall, though, Brad, Val, and the kids were walking toward the front, and she came back.
“We’re getting a bite now.”
Val asked, “Can you come with, Gracie? If not, no problem.”
“No, I don’t mind.” She looked at Nick. “Are you safe here by yourself?”
He laughed again. What was he supposed to say—that it was dangerous for him to drink alone?
Even if it was?
Hell, no. He wasn’t going to say a word.
Brad said, “Vince is coming with us too.”
It took Nick a second to realize he was talking about the bus driver, the quiet guy who managed to take them from town to town without making a big deal about it. So he nodded and tucked the bottle in his jacket, away from the kids’ eyes. He hoped he wasn’t too late.
He also resisted the urge to ask about Sabrina. He had to not care about where she was. He knew her well enough by now to know that she’d show up when she was good and ready.
He asked, “You should have said something. We could have had our cab wait for you.”
“We had five—and now we have six—people along for the ride. They’re sending a van for us.” Val walked over to Nick. “Do you want to come with us?”
He smiled. He was sure his eyes were already bloodshot. He knew his muscles were relaxed, just what he’d needed. No, he didn’t need more food. He needed more liquor. “Thanks, Val, but I just ate.”
He noticed the relief in Val’s eyes but appreciated that she wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it. He heard Brad say, “They’re here.” He looked down at Chris while scooping Hayley up in his arms. “Hold on to mom’s hand, okay? It’s slick out there.”
“It’s snowing?”
Brad nodded while Chris made a sound of glee. Nick winked at Chris and watched as they all walked out, one by one. Vince must have been in the front of the bus and just gotten out that way, because Nick hadn’t seen the man since the day before.
He pulled off his jacket and threw it on the couch, and then he sat at the table. He was trying to decide if he wanted to put in a DVD or if he just wanted to drink…alone…a sad and dangerous proposition. He knew himself too well and knew it was a rotten idea.
He pulled his phone out of his jeans pocket and decided that, with the internet, one was never alone, including him, and he pulled up his Twitter account. He hadn’t been on there in a couple of weeks. He had a hard time keeping up with all his social media accounts and had considered having his assistant help or, at the very least, hire a PR firm to deal with that shit. He liked playing around with them when he felt like it (like now, three sheets to the wind), but he didn’t like the idea of having to do something on them daily or weekly. That took all the fun out of it.
He typed on his keyboard (correcting twice, knowing it was only half autocorrect’s fault) to tweet: Hey, everybody. Nick in the house. I’m drunk as a fucken skunk. Any questions for me?
And then he waited for the interaction to begin. Every once in a while, he’d post and ask for more questions, trying to answer as many as he could in an hour, but he hadn’t done that in a while. Answering questions while feeling loopy might make for a fun evening.
It would definitely keep his mind off you-know-who.
His phone began vibrating as the questions started to roll in, reminding him that he had fans who loved his work. That alone make him feel better. Brina had no idea what she was missing. But as he started to focus on the screen, trying to see through the Wild Turkey haze, he saw a shadow to the right of him and realized someone was moving down the hall toward him.
Yes, it was his girlfriend.
No, she didn’t look pissed. For a change.
And, once more, Nick was without words. He really didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to tell her she’d hurt him. He didn’t want to sound or act like a pussy. By the same token, he didn’t want her to do that shit to him. He was a good guy, and he wished she would appreciate him.
She didn’t say one word and simply continued walking toward him. The look on her face wasn’t atypical, but he couldn’t read it. It was neutral, if Brina was able to pull that off, and she stood in front of him for a few moments.
Was she asking for forgiveness?
She was wearing one of those tight, short skirts she was going to become famous for, and she straddled his lap, sitting on him so she faced him. Goddammit. No matter how his heart felt, his loins were definitely perking up, wanting to get friendly with his girlfriend, and his dick didn’t give much of a shit if she’d been nasty earlier that day or not.
She adjusted herself, making it hard for him to ignore her. He was not going to be the first one to talk. She needed to apologize and, until she did, he wasn’t going to say anything.
She wasn’t going to, though. She licked his bottom lip and then sucked it into her mouth, and he tried hard not to respond, but the liquor had weakened his defenses. His muscles, his nerves, his core were all responding, so it didn’t matter what Nick’s logical mind wanted to do. His body was going to do as it damn well pleased, and it was more than content to have Sabrina rock its socks off.
Yeah, just as he’d suspected, his cock was filling with blood, no matter what his intentions. By the time he realized what he was doing, he’d dropped his phone on the table and his tongue was in her mouth, his fist wrapped in her hair, and he was kissing her aggressively, wanting to fuck her the same way. She moaned then and ground her crotch against him, making his cock grow harder, needing her right this second.
He felt her fingers on his zipper, her fingernails digging into his flesh as she pulled his underwear down and fished out his cock, and he was inside her before he had another thought. He felt love and forgiveness wash over him, and it wasn’t until he was holding her close afterward, kissing her neck and breathing in her scent, that he realized he wasn’t wearing a condom.
Still, he held her tight to himself. He was overcome with something heavy…and talking about the possibilities that could arise from recklessness would have to wait.
* * *
Nick and Brina curled up in her bunk, holding each other, and quite some time had passed—the rest of the gang hadn’t returned, but Nick was worried that they would before he found a chance to say all the things he needed to say. When he finally landed on some words, he grabbed them and said, “Bri, I don’t know what you were doing this afternoon or any of the other times that you’ve acted strange when I’ve come up to you and you act cold and secretive. It’s probably nothing, but you make me feel like you’re hiding something and…” He just couldn’t bring himself to tell her how much it hurt. He was beginning to realize that he didn’t fully trust her, and telling her she was hurting him seemed to be like giving ammunition to the enemy. She might use it against him in the future, and he didn’t want to take that chance.
Her answer wasn’t reassuring. “I don’t feel like I should have to share everything with you, Nick.”
“I didn’t ask you to. And that’s fine if you don’t want to. But…you don’t have to act like a bitch.”
“I am a bitch.”
He couldn’t think of what to say to that, so they lay there for several more silent minutes. Nick wasn’t sure what to do. Maybe simply letting her know it bothered him would help her realize her behavior was destructive. Then he said, “We didn’t use a condom. I should have stopped you.”
“For fuck’s sake, Nick. I wouldn’t have done it if I’d been worried. I’m clean, and I’ve been with you long enough to know you’re clean, and I wanted you right there and then. I didn’t have a condom.”
“I did. I had my wallet in my back pocket.”
“Yeah…and imagine how the moment would have gone if I’d stood up and asked you to grab one out.”
“Two seconds’ inconvenience—better than a lifetime with a baby neither of us is ready for.”
“My period starts next week. I won’t get pregnant. Will you stop worrying already?”
He couldn’t, but he didn’t say another word. He felt her fall asleep after a while and then everyone else returned from dinner. He heard them talking about how much snow was falling outside, but he felt just as cold in his heart.
He loved Sabrina. He didn’t know if she loved him back, and that didn’t necessarily matter. What did matter was when he tried to picture the future…it seemed bleak. What if they had made a kid tonight? He tried to imagine what kind of parents they would be. He liked the idea of being a dad, but he couldn’t envision Brina as a mom, no matter how hard he tried. He couldn’t imagine them as a married couple, either, nor could he see them in his head as a doting mother and father of a child.
For some reason, it made him think about his own parents.
So it didn’t matter how cold it was outside—it was snowing in his heart, and that was a worse place to be.
Chapter Nineteen
THEY WERE SOMEWHERE in Seattle…and it was sometime in March, sometime before Brad’s birthday. Nick had lost all sense of time. He could feel spring in the air, but being away from Colorado made it harder to gauge the change in seasons.
He and Sabrina were still as hot as ever in bed, but he’d noticed that he was guarding his heart more. What sucked was that, for a couple of days, he’d been thinking about the possibility that Brina might be pregnant. What if she was—could he be a father? A good one, like Brad? Like he’d even seen Ethan become over the past year? He knew he would love the child, but he seriously doubted Brina’s ability to be a mother. Then again, some women just needed that push—to be filled with their child—and then they figured out how to be a good mom. Maybe pregnancy and motherhood would do that to his girlfriend.
The problem was that, deep down, Nick couldn’t believe that about Brina. She just didn’t seem capable.
She couldn’t even find it in her heart to be a good girlfriend to Nick, even when he desperately needed it. He’d caught her texting again—twice since the last time—and not only did she make no apologies for it, she made Nick feel like her behaviors were somehow his fault.
Gracie, though…she really was the best friend Nick could ever have asked for. He never did ask Brad what he would have done in his situation, and he didn’t know that the guy was the right person to ask anyway—he’d loved Val forever and probably would still be pining after the woman if she was still married to Ethan. He’d never done anything untoward, but that didn’t mean his heart hadn’t been a fucking mess.
Yeah, Brad wasn’t the person to ask.
He wasn’t going to ask Gracie anymore either, but she didn’t say anything anyway. Still…she knew he needed her, and without saying one goddamn word, she made his entire week, just with a sweet friendship card she left in his bunk one day.
The card was simple and maybe even sappy, but it was somehow everything he needed to hear:
A true friend is always there.
A real friend always loves you.
Your best friend accepts you for who you are,
And I am so happy I am that friend for you.
The more he stared at the prefab words, the more he wondered why people got paid to write that shit. Sure, the sentiment was nice, but it was overstated and overly sentimental. What she wrote below it, though, was what mattered the most:
Always here for you, Nick. Love you so much, and I’m here if you ever need to talk or hang or drink half a keg.
She even signed it with a smiley face. Nick was lying in a hotel bed two days later next to sleeping Brina, wondering why she couldn’t be more like Gracie. Then he felt guilty. He knew he didn’t really want to change Brina, because he’d fallen in love with the woman she was, but he was tired of feeling like she didn’t love him back, like she even despised him sometimes. Why was she even with him?
Over the past couple of weeks, he’d been so proud of her. She’d really come into her own and grown used to bigger audiences. She learned to draw them in just by being herself. They were really starting to love her as much as they loved the rest of the band, and Nick relished witnessing it from his spot on the stage. Every once in a while, she’d make eye contact with him too, reminding him of one of the many ways she ignited his fires.
He rolled on his side and pulled Brina close, shoving his nose in her hair and breathing it in. He nuzzled her neck and kissed her, hoping that maybe the love he felt would permeate and thaw her chilled heart.
She stirred and stretched and shoved her hand into his hair. “Oh, baby. You gonna fuck me again before you go to sleep?”
Nick allowed himself to reel in the love he felt for her. “I want to make love to you, Brina. I want to tell you all the things my lips can’t say.” If he could, he’d write a song for her, but he got the feeling that a woman like Sabrina wouldn’t be impressed with that. He had only himself to give, and he hoped that would be enough.
He reached behind himself in the dark, feeling for the condoms he’d left on the nightstand. Ever since their indiscretion, he made sure the condoms were easier to find and use. He wanted to be a father someday, but not now and definitely not with Sabrina until she was ready.
As he kissed the back of her neck again, he slid his hand up her torso to cup one of her breasts, the nipple already firm, responding to his attention and the promise of something more. He moved his lips up her graceful neck to below her ear, kissing more firmly until she turned her head to meet her lips with his. His erection was pressing into her ass, and he didn’t know how long he could wait.
He slid his hand back down her belly. He needed to make sure she was ready, and if she was, he wasn’t going to delay any longer. Still naked from their earlier romp, she didn’t have panties on that would fetter his access, so he glided his finger down her slit and found that she was more than ready. One thing he’d say about Brina—it seemed like she always was, in spite of the icy vibes she often put out.
He slid his cock inside her and she moaned, fisting his hair. Nick didn’t want to focus on the orgasm he knew was imminent. Instead, he wanted to put all his thought into the love he had for this woman, the feelings he had for her that he’d never felt for any other woman. He wanted to communicate that through their joining, wanted to have his body say the words he couldn’t grab onto. His lips rested on her neck as the intense sensations overrode anything else and he could no longer concentrate on anything other than waiting until she came. When she did, he let go and, once the fog cleared from his brain, he whispered, “I love you.”
No, it wasn’t a mistake or a slip of the tongue. It was the truth and it was what his heart needed to say.
She didn’t say anything back. Instead, she rolled over and stroked his cheek before giving him one of the sweetest kisses she’d ever bestowed upon him before snuggling in his arms and drifting off to sleep.
Nick knew that was as close as she’d ever get to saying I love you back.
* * *
It was near the middle of April, the pregnancy scare behind them, and they were due for a two-week break in the tour. After the show that night, their driver would be taking them back to Colorado for a much-needed rest. They’d hit the road again with another band, their leg with the boys of Last Five Seconds over, and then in the fall, they were going to do a small European tour, thanks to their success in the States.
Nick hoped that, during their time off, he could have long, uninterrupted talks with Brina and get to the bottom of everything.
That was before he caught her fervent block-out-the-rest-of-the-world texting again. This time, she wasn’t secretive about it at all. She sat in a gray folding chair backstage and she completely ignored Nick when he told her they had snacks in a room just offstage. The venue had gone to a lot of trouble trying to make Val Hella feel welcome, and since Brina hadn’t seen it yet, he wanted her to know what a nic
e job the folks in charge had done.
He might have been okay with a typical buzz off, but she didn’t even acknowledge him. It was like he didn’t even exist.
He cleared his throat.
No response.
Then he got closer to her.
Still no response.
“Holy shit. There’s a fire. We have to get the fuck out of here!”
She finally looked up, one eyebrow cocked, and then she frowned and began texting again, but she didn’t say a word.
“What the fuck, Brina? You don’t talk to me anymore?”
“I’m busy, Nick. What? You a baby? Need my constant attention?”
Nick felt his blood heat up as it began charging through his veins, making his heart beat double-time, and it felt to him like his double bass drums. He wanted to be cool and calm, though, because for some reason, this woman evoked such deep emotions in him, and exploding would only make her colder. Somehow, he knew that. So he gritted his teeth and then took a deep breath before speaking. “No, Brina, but a little attention would be nice.”
She actually looked up from her phone screen then. “No, Nick, you don’t want a little attention, or you would have been happy when I just looked at you.”
That actually sounded right…but that was how they would be if they’d been in a puppy/ master relationship. Her words spoke volumes and rang clear in his head. But he needed more. He wasn’t even going to acknowledge her statement and instead aimed for the core. “Who are you texting?” He wanted to add that’s obviously more important than me.
She sneered. “None of your goddamned business.”
He couldn’t help but smile. “Maybe not, but it tells me that you don’t care about me. You never have.”
That got her attention. “That’s not true.”
As much as he wanted to continue the back-and-forth, he wanted truth, and maybe she was willing to give it. “I love you, Brina. Do you love me?”
The look on her face pained him. He could see it all over her features and, no matter what words she said, he knew what her answer was before she said a thing. It felt like his guts were imploding on themselves as the realization washed over him. What pissed him off the most was that he should have known better. Women were a fucking pain in the ass…and he’d seen it all firsthand. His mom and dad, the mannequins—all the stupid women who’d tried to rope him into a relationship he’d neither wanted nor needed. Why hadn’t he seen it coming? Why had he thought Brina would be any different? Because she sure as hell wasn’t. No way. She was a cold, cast-iron bitch who didn’t care about anyone but herself…and it didn’t matter how she answered. She could gloss it all over with a smooth lie, but Nick wouldn’t hear it, because he could see her feelings all over her features.
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