Renew

by Charlotte Michelle

  Thursday, Kristy asked if I was willing to learn about horses. I was terrified, to be honest, and I shook the whole time we walked from the house to the barn. But I learned.

  Boy, did I learn. I stood in front of this beautiful gray mare named Serendipity and looked into her brown eyes. They held such gentleness and peace. There was no evil in the heart of this animal. She stood there as I skittishly placed a hand on her neck, feeling the warmth radiate from her. I was in awe and I couldn’t stop staring at this horse.

  She brought such raw emotions to life inside of me. As she looked back at me, staring into my soul, it was almost as if I could see what she saw. I was just another human to her…another human girl. Serendipity doesn’t know of my past, of my problems and burdens. When I saw myself reflected in her eyes, I saw just another human girl…

  I cried for the first time since being with the Crane’s. There is hope, after all, that I will one day be a normal girl.

  Today is Friday, my fifth day here at my new home. Home…that’s the first time I’ve called this place my home.

  How is it possible that after everything I’ve been through, feeling so lost and out of place, that I finally have somewhere to belong?

  “Adelaide?” I startle from the voice behind me and turn quickly to see Maddox standing there, an eyebrow arched. He smiles softly, looking down at my hand to see a brush within its grasp. “Why are you grooming my horse?” he asks. I feel my eyes widen before I look over at Serendipity.

  This is his horse?

  I take a step back, but Maddox gently grabs my free hand and pulls me back to the horse’s side. “I don’t mind…I just don’t want you feeling as if you have to. But if she offers you comfort and company, then I pray you brush her every day.”

  Maddox then ran a hand down his horse’s neck, giving her a gentle pat before turning to walk away. I stare after him, his pace a leisurely one. I wish I could ask my ma what she was imagining when she spoke of men, because from my examples, they have been so kind and gentle with me.

  “Maddox,” I whisper. His response is instantaneous. He spins on the balls of his feet and looks at me with inquiry. “How do you ride?” Maddox’s eyes are soft, staring at me as he walks back to be at my side again.

  “Serendipity cannot be ridden, Adelaide. She’s pregnant and nearly ready to drop her foal. However, I’m willing to teach you on another horse.” I look back at Serendipity, my heart sinking at his words. My gaze falls to her round belly and I realize it is much larger than the bellies on the horses I’ve seen Adam and Maddox riding. “We can bring her to the pasture, if you’d like. If it will make you more comfortable.”

  Serendipity tilts her head to the side so our eyes are locked together. As she looks at me, I am reminded of the promise of a normal girl…

  Normal girls ride horses, right?

  I softly nod my head to Maddox. He grins, grabbing the rope that ties Serendipity to the wall and undoes it before handing it to me. I grip it tightly, scared of the responsibility given to me. I look at the calm, still horse, unsure of what to do. Maddox then walks to another stall and opens it, holding a rope and halter in his hands. After a few moments, he walks out with a large, brown horse. “Follow me,” he says.

  I turn and look at Serendipity, questioning if I had it in me to move this large animal. She looks me in the eyes, and when I take a step back, she follows. The smile that touches my lips cannot be concealed.

  I follow Maddox out to the pasture and I see him already tying the brown horse to the fence. He then takes the rope from my hand and does the same with Serendipity. “Wait here.” Maddox goes back to the barn.

  Turning my attention to the two horses, I feel proud of myself. Even though I only walked a horse out of a barn, I have never done anything like this before. Just a few days ago, I didn’t know what the sky truly looked like. I didn’t know the touch of grass or the smell of hay. I had never eaten a steak or worn sunglasses…

  And I just walked a horse out of a barn.

  Maddox returns with a saddle in his hands, along with a few other pieces of tack I can’t quite remember the name of. He flashes me a smile as he passes me and begins tacking up the horse. I run my hand down Serendipity’s coat as I watch Maddox’s movements. He is elegant and graceful. He knows exactly what he’s doing, never second guessing himself.

  “Would you rather I ride with you the first time? Or would you prefer to be by yourself and I walk beside you?” I don’t exactly understand what he means by ride with me…I assume he means tack up another horse, so I agree with that option. It could be fun; an image of Adam and Maddox riding together with smiles on their faces enters my mind.

  Maddox helps me on the horse, guiding me to put my foot in the stirrup and holding my waist as he hoists me up and onto the saddle. I sit comfortably, feeling the brown leather seat supporting my form. I look down to see Maddox gently grab my right foot and move it from the stirrup. He then replaces it with his own and a moment later, I feel him pressed up behind me.

  I squirm under the contact of his body behind mine, not familiar with the feeling. I’m tense, nearly folding into myself to avoid contact.

  Maddox reaches around me; his arms brush my sides as he grabs the reins. He then guides them into my hands. “Hold them like this,” he whispers in my ear. I hesitantly follow his instructions. “All right, put that foot back in the stirrup.” I glance down to see his legs dangling off the side of the horse and resume my previous position as best I can with a warm body pressed against my back.

  “Lightly press your heels into Dexter’s side. He’s gentle, so you don’t need much pressure.” Having no gauge on what lightly pressing and, say, harshly pressing is, I imagine I pressed too hard.

  The horse leaps forward into a full run and I squeal, my heart racing in my chest as I hear Maddox grumble something. He wraps an arm firmly around my waist, holding me hostage against his form as he then whisks the reins from my grasp. With a tug, the horse slows to a walk. I continue to breathe heavily, fear consuming me. I feel my hair stand on my arms and I close my eyes to calm myself.

  “Hey, hey. Adelaide, it’s okay.” Maddox runs a hand up and down my arm, trying to coax me to calm down. “You’re okay. It was an honest, common mistake. Don’t let this experience dampen your view on riding, because I promise that it’s one of the best feelings in the world.”

  I nod my head.

  I never thought I’d admit this, but I’m glad Maddox was there. I’m glad he got on the back of the horse with me. If he hadn’t, I’m sure today would have been a lot worse than it was.

  Questions and Answers

  *Adelaide*

  April 23, 2017

  Church. What exactly is a church? Missy has been talking about it all day, walking around and yelling, “We’re going to be late for church!” How can one be late to something? Is there a designated time by which you have be there? Why?

  I’m sitting on my bed, listening to the hurried footsteps of the Cranes. They are certainly afraid of being late to church.

  Kristy walks into my room and her eyes instantly land on me. “What are you doing? You need to get ready!” Her voice is high in panic as she runs to my closet and shuffles through all my new clothes. I watch her as she comes back with one of my white and pink skirts and a white, button up blouse. “Put this on…we need to get to church. I’ll do your hair on the way,” Kristy says, laying the outfit on my bed beside me.

  I stand, leaning down to skim my fingers over the soft material of the skirt. “What is church, Kristy?” I ask.

  I look over my shoulder to see Kristy standing in the doorway, nibbling on her bottom lip. “It’s where people go to worship their God.”

  “God?” I ask, tilting my head to the side. What is a God? And why do people worship it?

  “Y-you don’t know who God is?” Kristy ask, her voice incredulous. I just shake my head, embarrassed that I don’t know something that seems well-known. Kristy chuckles. “Well, then you defini
tely need to come to church.” Kristy walks out of my bedroom and I turn back to my arranged outfit with more unanswered questions.

  Kristy twisted my hair into a braided up-do. It sat low on the back of my neck, but my long hair was off my shoulders. We drove on the same road Kristy and I took whenever we went into town. But instead of going to the mall, we stopped at a large building. Many people were walking into it with haste, similar to how the Cranes were walking about the house this morning.

  We all file out of the car and I nervously twiddle my fingers together as I see all the people who will be crammed into the building with me. Missy wraps an arm around my shoulder and rubs her hand up and down my arm.

  “You look beautiful, my dear. Don’t worry about today. Just sit with your ears open and try to retain as much as you can. If there is anything you don’t understand, feel free to ask Adam or me once we get home.” I nod my head in acknowledgement.

  Missy leads me with her arm around me, Adam, Kristy, and Jeremy walking ahead of us. I glance at all the people and notice the women are wearing clothes similar to my own. My self-consciousness slowly fades as I realize I’m fitting in, rather than standing out.

  Once we enter the building, we enter an open area where many people are standing and talking to one another. They’re smiling, laughing, and seemingly friendly. However, we do not linger. Missy leads me to a door that opens up to a room filled with chairs directed toward a stage.

  The few people who are in the room look over at us and I instinctively shrink into Missy’s side, trying to hide from their stares.

  Missy and the Cranes take a seat in the middle, a little close to the stage. Missy situates me at the end with her seated at my right. There is an empty seat at my left, and I wonder why Missy had put me here, with a vacant seat beside me…should I not move to the end? Perhaps there’s a reason for it to be left open…

  Missy holds a book in her lap and I watch as she opens it. It piques my interest and I look over to see what book she’s reading. I look down the row to see Jeremy, Kristy, and Adam are all reading the same book as well. My eyebrows come together as a feeling of envy overcomes me.

  I have lived my whole life seeing my ma read books I was not allowed to read. Now, seeing them reading material I do not have access to brings back old feelings of unworthiness. Of being yet again isolated from people.

  I feel a presence on my left and I look over to see Maddox sitting there, his hair damp and groomed back to stay off his forehead. He’s wearing a shirt that is similar to what he typically wears. It has different shades of red and black running vertically and horizontally. However, he’s no longer wearing jeans, but tan colored pants. He looks handsome, but I think I prefer him in his typical clothing.

  Maddox offers me a smile and I return it until I see him take out his own book. I feel my lips fall into a frown and I scowl, turning to face forward. I feel Maddox’s eyes on me for a moment before I see the book in my peripheral vision. I look down, the book being placed halfway on my left thigh. Maddox shuffles closer to me and I turn my attention to him. “We’ll share until we get you one of your own,” he says softly, his honey brown eyes holding sincerity.

  He’s not lying…I am going to get my own book. I don’t even know the title of it, but it’s another promise of being normal. I’m not being excluded. That fear is now brushed to the side with a simple offering from Maddox.

  He doesn’t even know what he has done for me. He has included me and given me a taste of normalcy. I’m starting to feel that my past is actually becoming a part of my past and no longer my present.

  “What book is it?” I ask Maddox softly, lightly running my fingers over the pages. When Maddox doesn’t answer, I lift my eyes to meet his. His eyebrows come together, softly creating a crease between them.

  “The Bible. It holds scriptures documenting God’s miracles and relationships with people from his time. It is written by many authors, people who followed God.” There’s that word again…God. Am I going to learn what that means today?

  “God?” I whisper. Maddox smiles and opens The Bible to the first few pages. 1In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. I read softly to myself and look over at Maddox. “God created the Earth? And Heaven…what’s Heaven?”

  “I’ll answer all your questions this afternoon, Adelaide. I promise,” Maddox says.

  I nod my head and continue to read the next lines. “3God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. 5God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.’

  Before I know it, my right leg is crossed over my left and I seem to have taken The Bible within my possession. I had gotten through the first page before I noticed this and looked up at Maddox to apologize.

  “It’s all right. We have a few minutes until church begins. You can continue to read it until then,” he says, draping an arm around the back of my chair. I glance out of the corner of my eye to see him give Missy’s shoulder a squeeze. She smiles over at Maddox and I return to my reading, aware that Maddox leaves his arm where it is.

  Church ran for about an hour and a half and I tried to listen to what the pastor was saying, but I didn’t really understand. I got a general message that we are to love each other and care for one another, no matter how they treat us. We are to love as God loves us. How does God love us?

  More questions, it seems.

  On our way to the parking lot, Maddox grabs my hand gently and pulls me aside from the moving crowd. Kristy turns and follows with us. Maddox nods to her, a small smile on his lips before he turns his attention to me. “If you want to ride with me, Kristy and I will gladly give you some answers,” Maddox offers.

  I look over at Kristy, frowning. “Missy already offered to answer my questions…” Kristy rolls her eyes and turns to skip over to her family…or, our family.

  “Ma, is it all right if Adelaide drives with Maddox and me? We want to answer some of her questions,” Kristy asks, her light brown hair dancing as she prances to her ma’s side. Missy looks over and shoots me a wide smile, nodding.

  “Of course. Drive safe!” Kristy squeals and turns to jog back over. She hooks an arm around mine and we begin to follow Maddox to his car.

  When we do, I notice it is similar to Adam’s. It’s large with half of the back missing. I turn to Kristy to whisper in her ear why that is.

  “Oh, this is called a pick-up truck…more specifically, it’s a Chevy Silverado, which is a brand and name of a car. My pa’s is a Ford F-150. They’re both trucks, however they come from different companies.” I nod my head slowly, trying to mentally store this information. I climb into the front of the truck and slide into the middle, being crunched between Maddox and Kristy. “And my ma’s car, which is significantly smaller, is called a sedan. It’s supposed to be more fuel efficient, meaning it uses up less gas over a period of time, which results in saving money.” Fuel efficient equals saving money. Got it. “Her car is a Ford Fusion.”

  “Okay…I think this is making a bit of sense. What about the larger cars that aren’t missing half of the back?” I ask, pointing to one as we pass it.

  Kristy peers out the window to see what I am talking about. Her eyes flash with understanding. “That’s an SUV. It’s slightly larger to provide more legroom and comfort. Some also have more than the normal five seats available,” Kristy says.

  Okay…so it’s a pick-up truck, a sedan, and an SUV. I think I understand.

  Maddox rolls to a stop and I look around to see that we’re not at the ranch. I arch an eyebrow and take in the plain, open field we’re parked in.

  “Maddox, Jeremy, and I, along with some of our friends, come here at night to look at the stars. It’s quiet and no one will disturb us as you ask your q
uestions,” Kristy explains, noticing the confusion on my face.

  Maddox turns the truck off and we all slide out. We walk to the back where Maddox opens a door that reveals an open space. “This is called the bed. I put lumber and supplies in here. Its purpose is to haul large items. But today, we’ll use it to sit and relax,” Maddox says, a sly grin on his face. Kristy walks toward me with her arms filled with blankets and pillows. I silently wonder where she got them, but assume they were in the second row of the truck.

  Kristy climbs up onto the truck and proceeds to lay the blankets out, forming a make-shift bed.

  Maddox then helps me climb on and I crawl over to again situate myself between the two. The spring air is warm, so I don’t attempt to slide under any of the blankets.

  Instead, I tilt my head back and feel the warmth of the sun upon my skin. I will never grow tired of this feeling.

  Maddox and Kirsty remain silent beside me, allowing me to bask in the moment. I feel utterly free and untouchable. There are no walls keeping me prisoner, only the wide open plain. There are no locks to keep me in, only the soft embrace of the sun.

  When I’m ready for some more answers, I lower my head and turn to look up at Maddox. He gazes down at me with soft eyes, waiting for my question. “Can you tell me about God?”

  Because I would like to thank Him for the sun.

  Kiss

  *Maddox*

  April 25, 2017

  “Serendipity is due to drop her foal any day now, right?” Adam asks, walking around his dark bay horse, Boaz, brushing the length of his neck. I watch as swirls of dust and dirt jump off the horse and disappear into the warm air.

  I bend forward and grab Dexter’s front right leg, tugging slightly until he shifts his weight and offers me his hoof. I shuffle closer, setting the leg on my knee and use the hoof-pick to dig out dirt, rocks, and manure.