My lack of knowledge already puts so many limitations on me. I can’t go to school or drive a car. I don’t understand the meaning of love and fear I may never know what a kiss feels like. I have had minimal contact with people, mostly because I don’t know how to interact. But I have been given a new start, a chance to be the person I have always dreamed of being. Do I just ignore this opportunity, or do I seize it?
Do I get on the horse, or do I give in to my fear and walk away?
If I walk away, I might as well walk back to my home in the woods, for I don’t deserve to be here otherwise.
I lead Eowyn outside to the pasture I had tried to ride in before. I place my left foot in the stirrup, and after bouncing up and down a few times, I jump up and swing my right leg over the saddle.
I instantly tense the moment my butt makes contact with the saddle, waiting for Eowyn to bolt. But she just stands there, her head lowering to the ground to graze. I smile triumphantly. I can’t believe I did this!
After situating myself in the saddle, both feet in the stirrups, I gather the reins in my hands. I try to remember how Maddox showed me. Just as I begin to gently nudge Eowyn with my heel, a voice keeps me from doing so.
“Adelaide! What are you doing?” I jerk, looking over my shoulder to see Maddox running from his truck. His eyes are wide with concern as he climbs the fence and hops over it, making his way toward me. His hands are clenched in fists and I instinctively flinch when he grabs Eowyn’s reins. I look down at him with slight fear, afraid of what he is going to do to me.
I can tell he’s upset. Does that lead to him now breaking my heart, as my mom put it? I don’t necessarily know what that means, but I can infer it has something to do with a man being upset and harming a woman.
“Are you crazy? You don’t know how to ride, you can get hurt!” His voice is shaky as he places a light hand on my calf. He bows his head and rests his forehead on Eowyn’s shoulder. He is silent for a moment, holding on to both me and the horse. He then looks up at me with amazement. “Did you tack this horse up on your own?” he asks.
I slowly nod my head, scared my answer will end with a reprimand.
“I’m impressed,” Maddox softly says, sighing and stepping back to give me a bit of space. Eowyn snorts, lowering her head to continue grazing. “Promise me you will never do this again, not without someone present. You-you can get hurt, Adelaide. And I don’t know what I’d do if that were to happen. Promise me.”
Maddox, for the first time since I’ve met him, looks vulnerable. He sincerely is frightened about my safety. That gesture warms my heart and I nod my head again.
Maddox smiles and steps back again. “Great. Then I guess it’s time for you to learn how to ride.”
Hand-Mixer
May 3, 2017
I sit at my window, looking at the world outside of the house. The sky is a clear blue with very few clouds. Birds dance and sing, flitting from one tree to another. The horses nicker, their tails swish-swashing away flies as they graze upon the perfectly green grass. The wind blows softly, rubbing the leaves together in a soft melody.
A small smile graces my lips as I stare at the land surrounding my new home. It stretches far and wide, filled with animals and beauty. I can see Jeremy and Adam in the distance, riding their horses and tending to the cattle. In the back of my mind, I wonder where Maddox is. He’s usually the first to have his horse tacked up and ready to work the fields, but today he’s missing.
I have never been happier in all my life…even that one time my mother wrapped me up in her arms and gave me a tentative hug doesn’t compare. I was never given affection or love…I was never allowed outside or given food with flavor…I have been abandoned and neglected my whole life. And now, I’m finally starting to live.
So why am I sitting at the window instead of exploring the outside world? Because familiarity is a comfort. All my life I have been at my window, watching. And when I woke up, I had a yearning to sit and watch…to observe this new world just as I did when I was locked away.
I hear the crunch of gravel and avert my eyes to the dark blue Chevy Silverado. I smirk to myself, pleased that I remember the name of the vehicle Maddox drives.
When I see him hop out, he has a cowboy hat in his hands that he then places upon his head. He lifts his chin and his eyes connect to my window, as if staring at me for a moment before he whistles. I arch an eyebrow, wondering what that means.
A moment later, I hear a bark. Then, I see a dark animal jump from the truck and place itself beside Maddox…a dog. I have never, in all my life, seen a dog…apart from the books my mom used to educate me and the movies Maddox and Kristy have been showing me. There was a living, breathing dog just outside of the house.
I have a slight urge to rush down the stairs and get acquainted with the animal, however Maddox turns to the barn and my opportunity is gone.
Perhaps some other time…
Sighing, I look at the clock across my room and see that it’s nine in the morning. So much time has passed while I have been sitting by my window, I’ve lost much of my day. I rise to my feet and change into a pair of olive green shorts and a beige shirt.
I put my hair into a messy ponytail before heading downstairs in search of Kristy or Missy.
I hear clattering coming from the kitchen and make my way over to see Kristy pulling out various bowls from a cabinet. “What are you doing?”
“Ah!” Kristy jumps back, whirling around to look at me as three plastic bowls tumble to the floor. She places a hand over her heart and looks at me in bewilderment. “You scared me!” she claims, shaking her head as she bends over to retrieve the fallen dishes.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, taking a few more steps into the kitchen. Kristy is wearing black leggings with a blue over-sized shirt. Her hair is pulled up into a miserable bun.
“I’m about to make brownies for Ma, Pa, and the boys. Want to help?” I don’t know what brownies are…let alone how to make them, however I’m eager to learn. I nod my head. “Great!” Kristy heads toward the pantry and grabs two aprons, the pink one I usually see Missy wearing, and a purple one.
I grab the purple and follow Kristy’s lead on putting it on. Once I’m done, I clasp my hands together and watch as Kristy continues to get all the preparations ready. She shuffles through many cabinets and doors, pulling out bags of white powder and milk. When she’s done, she looks at me with a small smile.
“Let’s begin!”
“Adelaide! Turn it off! Turn it off!” Kristy screams. I let out a shriek, dropping the possessed hand-mixer. It comes to life, vibrating and moving across the counter, causing me to jump away and place my hands over my face in a lame attempt to protect myself from its attack.
The roaring of the wicked machine blares through the kitchen and I begin to shake with pure fear as I desperately wish for it to turn off.
Like magic, the kitchen becomes silent, and I risk a peek through my fingers to see Kristy holding the cord connected to it, leaning over the counter. She pants, her eyes wide with horror before she looks at me and breaks into a laugh.
I frown, dropping my hands and gaze down to see my purple apron is no longer purple…it is covered in brown powder, giving it an ugly mixed color. I hear a thump and I look to see Kristy has fallen to the floor in a fit of laughter.
Is she making fun of me? Is she laughing at me because I can’t seem to figure out how to use something as simple as a hand-mixer? Because I don’t even know what a brownie is, and I seem to be a sorry excuse for a human being?
“Adelaide…you are so funny! You should have seen your face! Oh…I love you.” I tense at her words, watching as she rises on wobbly legs.
Love. My mother never even used that word on me. I don’t even know what to feel, being told that I am loved by someone. I understand it is a form of a compliment, and that it’s good to be loved…but what does it truly mean?
“What’s going on in here?” I hear a deep voice laced with amusement and
I turn my head to see Maddox standing in the entryway to the kitchen. My eyes lower to the black and brown dog standing behind him and I step back.
“I’m teaching Adelaide how to bake brownies!” Kristy says proudly.
Maddox snickers. “You’re doing a lousy job, Kris.” Kris? Why did Maddox call her Kris? Maddox meets my eyes and his smile falters a moment. He glances at his dog and clears his throat. “This is Cooper. He won’t hurt you, Adelaide.”
Even though I trust Maddox’s judgment, I still look at the dog, waiting for it to make a sudden movement. But he doesn’t. He just stands firmly beside Maddox, his tongue lolling out of his mouth as he pants harder than Kristy had a moment ago.
“Come here.” Maddox’s voice is soft and I lift my eyes to see him holding out a hand to me. I feel my eyebrows bunch together as I stare at it. What does he want me to do with his hand? Ignoring it, I take a step forward and his arm drops to his side. Maddox squats beside the dog, running a hand over the top of his head.
“Come pet him, Adelaide.” I hesitate. How is it that I so bravely approached a horse, an animal five times the size of a dog, yet I find myself afraid of Cooper? “I promise, he won’t hurt you.” Maddox enunciates each word, holding meaning behind them.
I glance over to Kristy, who only raises her eyebrows and nods in encouragement.
Surely, they wouldn’t put me in harm’s way, right? After everything, Kristy and Maddox have been the ones to teach me and have accepted me with open arms…and minds. Why would they allow something to hurt me now?
Pushing my fears aside, I walk up to Maddox and very nearly press myself into his side as I assume the same position as him. Maddox gently grabs my right wrist and brings it toward the dog, helping me through the motions of petting him.
The fur beneath my fingers is soft and warm. My fingers instinctively curl around the thick coat and I latch onto the dog for a moment before I fall to my knees, wrapping my arms around the animal’s neck.
Thick tears roll down my cheeks as Cooper stands firm, allowing my feelings to get the best of me.
I will never get over how much I have missed…the softness of a dog and the comfort it brings…why would my mother keep such an animal away from me? Surely they’re not monsters too…they couldn’t be.
As every day goes by, every new lesson I learn, I feel a hatred within me grow. I don’t just hate my mother for locking me away and denying me life’s beauties…but also myself for being so naïve to think there wasn’t more to the world.
Perhaps I should have pushed her more…I should have begged to go outside…to meet another person or even interact with an animal. Instead, I was weak and I let her abuse me. I let her keep me locked away like a little doll.
A warm hand is placed on my back and I look over to see Maddox staring at me with a concerned expression. “Adelaide…” he whispers, my name a delectable treat upon his tongue.
“There’s still so much for me to learn…all those things in the kitchen, Kristy, I want to learn every name and every functionality. Maddox, I want to learn how to ride a horse without you beside me. I want to learn how to drive a vehicle. I want to learn how to write properly. I want to learn about God and the Bible. I want to be able to learn every celebrity’s name and be able to quote movies, just as you guys do. I want to go to school and maybe even get a job…” Tears well in Kristy’s eyes as she walks forward and sinks to the floor with Maddox and me.
She reaches over and places a hand on my shoulder. “We’ll help you, Adelaide. We will teach you everything we know.” I look over at Maddox to see him nod in agreement, his honey brown eyes shimmering with emotion.
“Above all, I want you to teach me how to live without fear. I want to walk out of this house, drive into town, and see people…I want it to be second nature to me. I never want to be scared again.”
Hugs
*Maddox*
May 5, 2017
“I don’t get it…”
Her soft voice grips me and drags me away from my slumber. I roll onto my stomach, feeling the prickling of the grass against my stomach. My shirt has ridden up during my sleep, but I make no move to fix it as I become captivated with the sight before me.
Adelaide lays on her stomach, a quilt acting as a fine layer between her and the grass. She wears a white hat to protect her face from the sun. Her skin is still delicate. It has been deprived all her life, and it will take a while for her skin to get used to the sun. Her beautiful blonde hair is pulled over one shoulder, softly blowing in the wind as her eyes are downcast upon a book.
I rest my chin on my arms, my eyes watching her as I reply, “What don’t you get?”
Adelaide lifts her head, looking at me with surprise, as if she had forgotten I was here. I offer her a small smile, rising a brow in question.
“This…listen.” Adelaide reads to me, describing a man placing his arm around a woman’s shoulders, holding her close. Her voice is a soft whisper amongst the whistling of the wind and I hum in appreciation.
Adelaide is reading the second installment of the Left Behind series, a great collection I suggested she read. I was slightly surprised to see that she took my advice and the action warmed my heart.
“What do you not get, Adelaide?” I ask, allowing her name to roll out my tongue like smooth caramel.
“Her head on his chest, his arm around her…what all does that mean? What are they doing?” she asks, setting the book down to grant me her full attention.
I silently wish Kristy were here today, but after being late to school on Wednesday because of the kitchen catastrophe, she isn’t allowed any more days off…even when she pulls the “Adelaide wants to learn!” card to her mother.
Kristy would be able to answer this question…I seem to struggle with these types of questions, because instead of answering, I’d rather show Adelaide.
I want to bring her into my arms, rest her head on my chest and wrap my arms around her…I want to protect her from the world she’s still afraid of, but learning to accept.
“They’re…cuddling,” I say, biting my bottom lip. “Erm, couples do this. It brings each other comfort. As humans, we have a natural desire to be held in each other’s arms. It’s a form of physical contact that we naturally crave.”
Did I answer that right?
Adelaide brings her eyebrows together, concentrating hard. “I’ve never had the desire to be held…”
I frown at her. What did her mother do? Did she neglect Adelaide to the extent that she was never even hugged?
“You never wished for someone to hug you? Even when you were sad?” Adelaide gets that look on her face. I hate this look. The one where she comes to the realization that she is a freak, as Jeremy called her. That the questions she asks are unusual and stupid.
I hate this look because it’s not true. Yes, Adelaide is different. She doesn’t understand the world around her. But she is pure and kind. She has a tenderness to her that is hardly seen anymore.
Yesterday, I helped Adelaide with Eowyn. She mounted the horse like a pro, and after a few times around the pasture, Adelaide was confident enough to walk without me by her side. The look of pure satisfaction and joy that she had on her face was rare.
People take for granted the little things. People are given iPhones and laptops, trips around the world, and their gratitude and excitement are barely half of Adelaide’s. And Adelaide’s enjoyment comes from walking around the pasture on a horse.
Yes, she’s different from every girl I know, but I would not trade company. I would never prefer to be beside anyone other than her.
“My ma never hugged me. I can only recall one incident, however she touched me as if I were a disease. It was nothing like how Missy hugs Kristy…I want to be hugged like that, just to feel what it’s like. To feel loved and cherished.”
So she does have a hidden desire to be held…
I rise to my knees, fix my shirt, and half-crawl toward Adelaide. She moves back, lifting off the ground and
sitting on her feet as she looks at me with uncertainty.
“I’ll show you, Adelaide, just what you’ve been missing.” The fear in her eyes cannot be missed. She’s scared, though I don’t understand why. I have made it explicitly clear that I would never do anything to harm her.
Surely, she knows a hug could do no harm.
Does she fear she will enjoy it? That she will find yet another reason to grow angry toward her past? I see the hatred that brews within her every time she tries something new. Just as she hugged Cooper, felt the warm fur against her skin, she was delighted but also upset, for she had missed out on having a dog all her life.
“Trust me, Adelaide,” I whisper.
With a soft sigh, she shifts to the same position I am in, waiting patiently for me to make my move.
I close the distance between us, slowly slipping my hand under her arms and around to her back. I pull her in close to me, cradling the back of her head with my hand, holding it to my chest. My left hand splays across the small of her back, acting as an iron vise that will keep her safe.
I rest my cheek atop her soft hair, closing my eyes as warmth radiates between the two of us. I breathe in her sweet smell of shampoo and earth.
For a moment, it’s only a one-sided hug. I have my arms wrapped around her while hers lay idle by her sides. However, after a minute, Adelaide tentatively raises her arms and locks them around my waist. I feel her fingers close in around my flannel shirt, gripping tightly against me.
I send mental thoughts to her, projecting my love and admiration of her. I want her to understand everything I feel, just by our embrace. She said she wishes to be held as if she were loved. Well, her wish is granted.
I’m not sure if I am in love with Adelaide, but I do love her. I care for her, more so than I’ve ever cared about anyone. I know this is the girl God created for me and I intend to be here for her in any way I can.
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