Tom, the chauffeur, watched Raphaella disappear down the stairs onto the long sandy beach, and then he glimpsed her again as she wandered near where the surf broke. Eventually he could no longer distinguish her from the others, and he climbed back into the car, turned on the radio, and lit a cigarette. By then Raphaella was far down the beach, watching three Labradors chase each other in and out of the water, and a group of young people wearing blankets and blue jeans were drinking wine and playing their guitars.
The sound of their singing followed her further down the beach as she wandered, and at last she sat down on a log and took a deep breath of the salt air. It felt so good to be there, to be out in the world for a few moments, to at least see others living even if she could not do much living herself. She just sat there and watched people passing, arm in arm, kissing, side by side, talking and laughing or jogging past each other. They all seemed to be bent on going somewhere and she wondered where they all went when the sun went down.
It was then that she found herself watching a man who was running. He came from far down the beach in a straight line, running almost like a machine, without stopping, until finally, still moving with the smoothness of a dancer, he slowed to a walk and kept coming down the beach. The fluidity of his movement in the distance had intrigued her, and as he came closer she kept her eyes on him for a long time. She was distracted by a group of children, and when she looked for him again, she saw that he was wearing a red jacket and was very tall, but his features were indistinct until he came closer. Suddenly she gasped. She just sat there staring, startled, unable to move or turn so that he wouldn't see her face. She just sat there watching as Alex came closer and then stopped when his eyes fell on her. He didn't move for a long time, and then slowly, deliberately, he walked toward where she sat. She wanted to run away, to vanish, but after seeing him run down the beach, she knew she didn't have a chance and she had ventured quite far from where she had left the car. Now relentlessly, with his face set, he came toward her, until he stood before her, looking down at her sitting on the log.
Neither of them spoke for a long moment and then, as though in spite of himself, he smiled. Hello. How are you? It was difficult to believe that they hadn't seen each other in five months. As Raphaella looked up at the face she had seen in her mind so clearly and so often, it seemed as though they had been together only the day before.
I'm fine. How are you?
He sighed and didn't answer. Are you fine, Raphaella? I mean really' . She nodded this time, wondering why he hadn't answered when she asked him how he was. Wasn't he happier? Hadn't he found someone to replace her? Wasn't that why she had released him? Surely her sacrifice had instantly borne fruit. I still don't understand why you did it. He looked at her bluntly, showing no inclination to leave. He had waited five months to confront her. He wouldn't have left now if they'd dragged him away.
I told you. We're too different.
Are we? Two different worlds, is that it? He sounded bitter. Who told you that? Your father? Or someone else? One of your cousins in Spain?
No, she wanted to tell him, your sister fixed it for us. Your sister, and my father with his goddamn surveillance and threats to tell John Henry, whether it killed him or not' that, and my conscience. I want you to have the babies that I'll never have ' .
No. No one told me to do it. I just knew it was the right thing to do.
Oh, really? Don't you think we might have discussed it. You know, like grown-ups. Where I come from, people discuss things before they make major decisions that affect other people's lives.
She forced herself to look at him coldly. It was beginning to affect my husband, Alex.
Was it? Strange that you only noticed that when you were six thousand miles away from him in Spain.
She looked at him pleadingly then, the agony of the past five months beginning to show in her eyes. He had already noticed how much thinner her face was, how dark were the circles beneath the eyes, how frail were her hands. Why are you doing this now, Alex?
Because you never gave me the chance to in July. He had called her four or five times in San Francisco, and she had refused to take the calls. Didn't you know what that letter would do to me? Did you think of that at all? And suddenly, as she saw his face, she understood better. First Rachel had left him, giving him no chance to win against an invisible opponent, a hundred-thousand-dollar-a-year job in New York. And then Raphaella had done almost the same thing, flaunting John Henry and their differences as an excuse to walk out. Suddenly she saw it all differently and she ached at what she saw in his eyes. Beneath his piercing gaze she dropped her eyes now and touched the sand with one long thin hand.
I'm sorry ' oh, God ' I'm so sorry' . She looked up at him then and there were tears in her eyes. And the pain he saw there brought him to his knees beside her on the sand.
Do you have any idea how much I love you?
She turned her head away then and put up a hand as though to stop him from speaking, whispering softly, Alex, don't' . But he took the hand in his own and then with his other hand brought her face back until she looked at him again.
Did you hear me? I love you. I did then, and I do now, and I always will. And maybe I don't understand you, maybe there are differences between us, but I can learn to understand those differences better, Raphaella. I can if you give me the chance.
But why? Why only a half life with me when you can have a whole one with someone else?
Is that why you did it? At times he had thought so, but he had never been able to understand why she had severed the tie so quickly, so bluntly. It had to be more than just that.
Partly. She answered him honestly now, her eyes looked in his. I wanted you to have more.
All I wanted was you. And then he spoke more softly. That's all I want now. But she shook her head slowly in answer.
You can't have that. And then after a long pause, It's not right.
Why not, dammit? There was fire in his eyes when he asked the question. Why? Because of your husband? How can you give up all that you are for a man who is almost dead, for a man who, from what you yourself have told me, has always wanted your happiness, and would probably love you enough to set you free if he could?
Alex knew John Henry had in a sense set Raphaella free already. But he couldn't tell Raphaella of that meeting. Her face bore witness to the terrible strain under which she was suffering. To add to that, to tell her that John Henry knew of their relationship, was unthinkable.
But Raphaella wouldn't listen. That wasn't the deal I made. For better or worse' in sickness and in health' until death do us part. Not boredom, not strokes, not Alex' .I can't let any of that hinder my obligations.
Fuck your obligations. He exploded and Raphaella looked shocked and shook her head.
No, if I don't honor what I owe him, he'll die. I know that now. My father told me that this summer and he was right. He's barely hanging on now, for God's sake.
But that has nothing to do with you, dammit, don't you see that? Are you going to let your father run your life too? Are you going to be pushed around by your duties' and obligations' and your sense of noblesse oblige? What about you, Raphaella? What about what you want? Do you ever allow yourself to think of that? The truth was that she tried not to think of it. Not anymore.
You don't understand, Alex. She spoke so softly that he could barely hear her in the wind. He sat next to her on the log, their bodies so close that it made Raphaella shiver. Do you want my jacket? She shook her head. And then he went on. I do understand. I think you did something insane this summer, you made one giant sacrifice in order to atone for what you thought was one giant sin.
But again she shook her head. I just can't do it to John Henry. Alex could not, try as he might, tell her that the one constant in her life her relationship with her husband had already been altered.
Do what, for God's sake? Spend a few hours away from the house? Do you have to chain yourself to his bedpost?
She nodded slo
wly. For the moment, yes. And then, as though she owed it to him to tell him, she went on. My father was having me followed, Alex. He threatened to tell John Henry. And that would have killed him. I had no choice.
Oh, my God. He stared at her in amazement. What she hadn't even told him was that the surveillance was due to a letter from his sister, Kay. Why would he do a thing like that?
Tell John Henry? I'm not sure he would. But I couldn't take the chance. He said he would, so I had to do what I did.
But why would he have you followed? She shrugged and looked him in the eye.
It doesn't really matter. He just did.
And now you sit there and wait.
She closed her eyes. Don't say it like that. I'm not waiting. You make it sound as though I'm waiting for him to die, and I'm not. I'm simply doing what I set out to do fifteen years ago be his wife.
Don't you think circumstances warrant a little bending of the rules on this one, Raphaella? His eyes pleaded with her, but once again she shook her head. All right, I won't push you. He realized again how much pressure she must have been under in Spain. It was hard to imagine her father having her followed and threatening to tell her husband that she was having an affair.
Alex pondered with well-hidden fury what he would have liked to do to Raphaella's father, and then he looked her in the eye. I'm going to just leave it open. I love you. I want you. On any terms you want, whenever you can. If that's tomorrow, or in ten years. Come knock on my door and I'll be there. Do you understand that, Raphaella? Do you know that I mean what I'm saying?
I do, but I think it's crazy for you to do that. You have to lead a life.
And you don't?
That's different, Alex. You're not married, I am. They sat silent for a while on the log, looking out at the sea. It felt good just being there together again, after so long. Raphaella wanted to prolong the moment, but the light was already growing dim and the fog was beginning to roll in.
Is he still having you followed?
I don't think so. There's no reason to now. She smiled gently at Alex and wished that she could just touch his cheek. But she knew that she couldn't let herself do that. Never again. And what he was saying was madness. He couldn't sit around waiting for her for the rest of his life.
Come on. He stood up and held out a hand to her. I'll walk you back to your car. And then he smiled at her. Or is that not such a great idea?
It's not. She smiled in answer. But you can walk me back part of the way. It was getting dark quickly enough that she was not enchanted at the prospect of walking back to the car alone. She looked up at him with a gentle look of inquiry, her brows knit, her eyes seeming even larger now that her face was thinner than it had been. How is Amanda?
Alex looked down at Raphaella with a gentle smile. She misses you' almost as much as I do' .
Raphaella didn't answer. How did the summer go?
She lasted exactly five days with Kay. My darling sister had planned the entire month so that she would be showing Mandy off to the voters every moment. Mandy tried it on for size and told her to shove it.
Did she come home?
No, my mother took her to Europe early. He shrugged. I think they had a nice time.
Didn't she tell you?
He looked long and hard at Raphaella. I don't think I heard anything anyone told me until about November. She nodded, and they walked on. And then at last she stopped.
I should walk on alone from here.
Raphaella He hesitated, but then decided he had to ask her. Can I see you sometime? Just for lunch ' or a drink' .
But she shook her head. I couldn't do that.
Why not?
Because we'd both want more than that and you know it. It has to be the way it is now, Alex.
Why? With me so lonely for you, I can't see straight, and you wasting away? Is that how it has to be? Was that why your father threatened to tell John Henry, so he could be assured that we'd both live like this? Don't you want more, Raphaella? And then, unable to stop himself, he reached out and took her gently in his arms. Don't you remember how it was?
Her eyes filled with tears and she buried her face in his shoulder, nodding, but not wanting to see his face. Yes' yes' I remember' but that's over' .
No, it's not. I still love you. I will always love you.
You must not do that. She looked up at him finally , with agony in her eyes. You must forget all that, Alex. You have to.
Alex said nothing and only shook his head. What are you doing on Christmas? It was an odd question and Raphaella looked at him, puzzled, not understanding what he had in mind.
Nothing. Why?
My mother is taking Amanda to Hawaii. They leave at five in the afternoon on Christmas Day. Why don't you come over in the evening for a cup of coffee? I promise I won't push you or bug you, ask you for any promises. I just want to see you. It would mean a lot to me. Please, Raphaella' . His voice trailed off and she stood there, and then finally, painfully, agonizingly, she forced herself to shake her head.
No. It was barely more than a whisper. No.
I won't let you do this. I'll be there. Alone. At my place on Christmas night. Think about it. I'll be waiting.
No, Alex' please.
It doesn't matter. If you don't come, it's all right.
But I don't want you to sit there. And I won't come.
He said nothing but there was a hopeful light in his eyes. I'll be there. He smiled. Good-bye now. He kissed the top of her head then and patted her shoulders with his big hands. Take care, babe. He stood there and she said nothing, then slowly she turned away.
She turned back once to see him standing there in his red parka with the wind in his dark hair. I won't come, Alex.
It doesn't matter. I want to be there. In case you do. And as she walked away toward the stairway that would lead her back to the car, he shouted after her, See you on Christmas.
As he watched her climb the stairs he thought of her devotion to John Henry, to him, to all her obligations. He would let her make her own decision.
But he could not stop loving her.
Chapter 28
The small tree they had put on the card table across the room twinkled merrily as Raphaella and John Henry ate their turkey on the all-too-familiar trays. He seemed quieter than usual, and Raphaella wondered if the holiday depressed him, if it reminded him of ski vacations in his youth, or the trips he had taken with Raphaella, or the years when his son had been a boy and there had been a giant tree in the foyer downstairs.
John Henry ' darling' are you all right? She leaned over and spoke to him gently, and he nodded, but he didn't answer. He was thinking of Alex and their talk. Something was wrong, but he'd been so depressed over the last months that Raphaella's condition had remained unnoticed. She usually fooled him with her extraordinary determination to keep his spirits up, camouflaging her own pain. He lay back against the pillows with a sigh.
I'm so tired of all this, Raphaella.
What, Christmas? She looked surprised. The only sign of it was the tiny tree in his bedroom, but maybe the light hurt his eyes.
No, all of it. Living' eating dinner' watching the news when nothing is ever new. Breathing' talking' sleeping' . He looked at her bleakly, and there was no sign of anything even remotely happy in his eyes.
You're not tired of me, are you? She smiled gently at him and made a move to kiss his cheek, but he turned away.
Don't ' do that. His voice was soft and sad, muffled by his pillows.
John Henry ' what's wrong? She looked surprised and hurt as she watched him, and slowly he turned to face her again.
How can you ask that? How can you' live like this' anymore? How can you bear it? Sometimes I think' about the old men' who died in India' where they burned' their young wives on the funeral pyre. I'm no better than that, Raphaella.
Don't say that. Don't be silly' .I love you' .
Then you're crazy. He didn't sound amused, but angry. And if you are, then I'm n
ot. Why don't you go somewhere? Take a vacation' do something for God's sake' but don't just sit here wasting your life. Mine is over, Raphaella' . His voice dropped to a whisper. Mine is gone. It has been for years.
That's not true. Tears sprang to her eyes as she tried to convince him. The look on his face broke her heart.
It is true' and you have' to face it. I've been dead' for years. But the worst part of it is' I'm killing you too. Why don't you go home to Paris for a while? He had again wondered what was happening between her and Alex but he didn't want to ask. He didn't want her to know that he knew.
Why? She looked astonished. Why Paris? To her father? After what had happened during the summer? The very idea made her ill. But John Henry looked adamantly at her from his bed.
I want you' to go away' for a while.
She shook her head firmly. I won't go.
Yes, you will. They were like children arguing, but neither of them was amused, and neither of them smiled.
No, I will not.
Dammit, I want you to go somewhere.
Fine, then I'll go for a walk. But this is my home too and you can't send me away. She took the tray from him and set it down on the floor. I think you're just bored with me, John Henry. She tried to tease him, but his eye would not catch the sparkle of mischief beginning to glow in hers. Maybe what you need is a new sexy nurse. But he wasn't amused. He just lay there glowering, it was part of his querulousness that she noticed more and more.
Stop talking rubbish.
I'm not talking rubbish. She spoke to him gently, leaning forward earnestly in her chair. I love you and I don't want to go away.
Well, I want you to go away.
She sat back in silence for a while as he watched her, and then suddenly he spoke softly in the quiet room. I want to die, Raphaella. He closed his eyes as he continued to speak. That's all I want to do. And why don't I' God, why don't I? He opened his eyes and looked at her again. Tell me that. Where the hell is justice? He looked at her accusingly. Why am I still alive?
Because I need you. She said it softly and he shook his head and turned his face away again. He said nothing for a very long time then, and when she approached the bed carefully, she saw that he had fallen asleep. It made her sad to realize how unhappy he was. It was as though she weren't doing enough.
A Perfect Stranger Page 23