by Lily Foster
Tess was waiting with Melissa and Victoria when we came out of the locker room. Brandon—he had it bad. I liked that Brandon didn’t hide how he felt about this girl, Victoria. He grabbed her hand and kissed it when he saw her, sighing dramatically. “I promised you a goal and I didn’t deliver. I am so sorry, milady.”
“You looked good in your uniform, if it’s any consolation, Brandon. Anyway,” she whispered in his ear something that sounded like, “that’s not the only way you can score.”
Brandon burst out laughing then and grabbed her tight, spinning her around. Melissa raised her eyebrows looking at me and Tess but I just smiled. I liked how the two of them made each other laugh.
We split our night between an off-campus party thrown by some sophomores and the weekly gathering in the woods. It was colder now but not unbearable. Tess acted as if the night wasn’t entirely painful for her. She didn’t let go of my hand once but she was friendly whenever someone came over to talk to me and seemed relaxed when they introduced themselves to her.
I saw Anna’s roommate, Fiona, and a few of her friends at one point, but no Anna. Fiona and I had become friendly over the past few weeks. She was funny and the girl could talk hockey with more sense than most of the guys on my team. She approached when she noticed me and my palms started to sweat in response. I didn’t know if Anna had mentioned that I had a girlfriend. I was hoping that Fiona didn’t bring Anna’s name up in a way that would cause me a giant headache later on tonight. “Hi, Declan.”
“Hi, Fiona,” I said as I gestured towards Tess. “This is Tess. Tess, Fiona.”
They exchanged “heys” and then Fiona started in on how I was “going down” next week against her brother. I felt Tess’s hand relax in mine as Fiona kindly included her in the conversation, explaining how her brother played for one of our biggest rivals and how Fiona’s entire family was coming next week to “witness the bloodbath.” The only reference to Anna was when Fiona commented, “I have to see if I can con Anna out of those center-ice seats again next week. Maybe I’ll play the pity card and say my father’s eyesight is going and he needs to be up close.”
“What does everyone think about you rooting against the home team, Fiona?” Tess asked.
She shrugged her shoulders and smiled. “Blood is thicker than water, right?” With that, she turned over her empty cup and said, “Duty calls,” as she made her way back towards the keg.
“Now she’s nice,” Tess commented.
“Very,” I agreed. “Sometimes I think she knows more about hockey than I do.”
“Does she have a boyfriend?”
“I don’t know.”
“On second thought, stay away from her.”
I laughed. “So maybe I should just avoid any and all persons with boobs.”
“That works for me,” Tess said as she pinched my side, hard.
I was grateful there’d been no need to put on a show in front of Anna tonight. Maybe she had been there, looking on from the edge of the crowd, but I didn’t think so. I was taller than most and had made a habit of scanning the crowds at parties, in the cafeteria, or while walking across the quad, all in search of her. I didn’t really even need to look, though, I knew she wasn’t there. It was like I could sense when she was around; I was acutely aware of her presence at all times.
Later that night, back in my room, Tess turned me down when I made a move for her and I was glad for it. In truth, I hadn’t wanted to be with her in that way. I’d just been going through the motions.
I lay awake after Tess’s breathing became deeper and more regular. I was thinking about Anna. Thinking back to that day right before we left camp, when she told everyone in group what had happened to her brother. I remembered how her hands shook as she recounted each detail; so badly that I felt the need to grab her hands to steady her, while the girl on the other side of her must have simultaneously had that same impulse.
With her voice cracking, Anna spoke about the last time she saw him alive, sitting on his bed, talking to her. Her brother was reassuring her about some long-forgotten drama from her adolescence. Will’s startled reaction to a text he’d received, kissing her head as he rushed out, pulling his arms through the sleeves of his jean jacket. Her shuddering as she described walking downstairs the next morning to the sound of police officers speaking to her parents in hushed tones. She choked out a laugh when she recounted her confusion at the sight of her father’s arms wrapped reassuringly around her mother, knowing then and there that something was most definitely very wrong. She bit her lip open then, a faint trace of blood on the plump red lip, as she described how everyone in the room was ignoring her questions. Her tears fell unchecked when she told of overhearing the officer’s theory, developed from the physical evidence and from the recovered text messages: Will had been trying to wrestle the gun away from his friend, shot accidentally during the struggle. The other boy dead of a self-inflicted gun wound right after. She began to speak of the note recovered at the scene but stopped abruptly, saying, “That’s all.”
I’d never felt the need to love someone, physically love someone by kissing and holding them, as I had in that moment. Witnessing her grief made me want to be the person who helped her through it. I felt pure love, both the love of friendship and romantic love, for Anna. How, I thought at the time, was I going to be so far away from her come tomorrow?
As I lie in bed, Tess’s head nestled into the crook of my neck, her body wrapped around mine, I felt tears escape my eyes as I thought of Anna.
My Anna.
Anna
Dylan met me at O’Hare, grabbing me into a tight hug when I tapped his shoulder, pulling his attention away from some intense business call he’d been on. “Anna Banana. Look at you!”
“You like?” I asked, shaking out my newly colored locks. After my Friday classes I went to some edgy salon that I’d read about off the beaten path in South Boston. I told the colorist that I wanted something in the auburn family but that she could basically do what she pleased with me. The result was my favorite color job to date: auburn with some very subtle golden streaks framing my face and random cherry red strands mixed in underneath.
I had a good feeling about the colorist from the second I walked into the shop. Her head was recently shaved, with her scant, quarter inch buzz of hair dusted a bright violet. She wasn’t cheap either which, for some reason, I also admired. It’s like she knew she was good so she expected to be well compensated. It definitely took a certain amount of balls to charge what she was charging on this grittier side of Boston.
“You know what, Anna? I should probably be telling you that you look best au natural but this,” he turned me from side to side as he said, decidedly, “it suits you.”
“I needed a change.”
“Anything wrong?”
“Nothing wrong exactly, just…I don’t know.”
“Mom said your roommate is…fabulous,” he stated, comically channeling his inner Margot, but he was concerned, fishing for what it was that had me so unsettled.
“She is. And I can’t wait until you and Kasia meet her. Fiona’s the best. And she’s your biggest fan.”
“Yeah?” he asked, confused.
“The hockey tickets. She’s a fanatic.”
“I’m glad they’re being used. Warn her, though, that I’m coming for the playoff games and she’s not sitting on my lap.”
“You might have to wrestle her for them.”
“I’ll leave that to Kasia.” He paused for a moment. “I feel weird handing my keys over to you. It’s like I’m saying I’m okay with you and your boy toy shagging at my place and that’s just… wrong on so many levels.
I burst out laughing. “There will be no shagging, Dylan. I can guarantee you that.” He just raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, Dylan, breaking up is hard to do.”
He winced. “Ouch. Does he have any idea?”
“Afraid not.”
“May the force be with you,” he said as he dangled the keys ov
er my open palm. “Are you going to be all right alone with him?”
I cocked an eyebrow at Dylan. “Really? This is Jonathan we’re talking about.”
“I don’t care who we’re talking about. I want you to call me tonight and tomorrow morning. And you better pick up when I call you, got it? I’ll have my doorman upstairs in seconds, letting himself in if I feel I need to, ok?”
I threw my head back, exasperated. “I. Will. Be. Fine.”
“Love you,” he said, looking worried, as he made his way towards the first class boarding counter.
“Thanks, Dylan. I’ll call you later. Safe flight and tell Kasia I’ll see her soon, ok?”
“All right.”
I sank into the backseat of the car Dylan had waiting to take me back to his Chicago apartment. When I pulled up outside of the building I saw Jonathan standing there waiting for me. Shit, I thought, how awkward was this going to be?
“Anna!” He held his arms open to me as I made my way towards him, wracked with guilt. He hugged me tight. He held me back, taking me in then. “It’s so good to see you, Anna. And I like the hair,” he said, smiling as he admired my new look.
We went upstairs and as I dropped my bag onto the floor at the entrance, he dropped his bag too. He grabbed me into an embrace and pressed his lips to mine. I kissed him back but was miserable in the kiss. I broke away, trying not to make it obvious. “Tell me about school, Jonathan. How’s it been?”
“I’m happy there, Anna. I miss you but I like it.” He looked at me curiously. “Anna, why did you want to see me so suddenly? I feel like something’s wrong. I felt it the whole ride here and I feel it now.”
I sank down onto the couch and hung my head. It was like ripping off a bandage. The faster I did this the better it would be for both of us. “Jonathan, I don’t think I’ve ever been good enough for you. I’ve always thought you deserved better.” I looked up to meet his eyes. He didn’t look surprised. He sank down on the couch next to me and took my hand, saying nothing. “Jonathan, you’ve always been so good to me. And I’m…I could never. I think I’m cold as ice.”
“Anna, you’re not cold. Stop it, you’ve been through hell.”
“And you got me through it, Jonathan. Everything over the past couple of years…you saved me. I should be able to be everything to you and I can’t. Do you understand, Jonathan? I think something’s missing between us. Something is wrong with me that I don’t feel—”
He hung his head as he spoke. “You will, Anna. It’s just that you don’t feel that way with me.”
“I do love you, Jonathan.”
“I know, but you don’t love me. And I’m no saint, Anna. I knew it wasn’t the same for you but I loved you so much, felt so much for you, that I wouldn’t let you go.”
“You’re no saint? What does that mean?”
“Nothing, Anna.”
“Are you seeing someone? Have you met someone at school?”
“No. Yes. No one special but…I haven’t been faithful, Anna.” He grabbed both my hands in his again. “I’m sorry.”
I wasn’t even angry. I was, after all, talking to my closest friend. He was never a lover, never someone I felt a burning passion for. “Jonathan, I don’t blame you. You’re a guy. And I’ve been a frigid bitch.” I laughed as I said that last line and he smiled at me…my friend.
“You’re not a bitch, Anna.” We both burst out laughing then, acknowledging how ridiculous it was, at last, that we had been dating for two years and had never done the deed.
I shook my head. “I don’t know why I couldn’t, Jonathan.” I was serious again then. “Am I that messed up?”
“Anna,” he soothed me, rubbing my shoulder. “You’re perfect. You weren’t ready and I’d never push you.” I laid my head against his strong chest then, my breath staggered, holding back the sobs that were coming. “Anna, you’re going to meet someone and he’s going to make you feel differently. I’ll hate him but you’re going to be in love with him. It’s going to be ok.”
“I feel terrible…like I’ve held you back the last two years, Jonathan.”
“Not one minute of the past four years that we’ve been close has been a waste for me, Anna. Not one minute.”
We sat, talking for hours and wound up curling up together on the couch. I fell asleep in his arms, as I had so many nights before.
I hoped that what Jonathan had said was true. I’d resisted getting closer to Jonathan, resisted taking that next step. So often I’d thought that there was, in fact, something very wrong with me.
It was awkward that next morning as we sat drinking coffee across from one another. “Anna,” Jonathan finally broke the silence as he looked at me directly, “please don’t feel bad. Don’t feel like you’ve hurt me, ok?” I said nothing. Again, he was being too good to me, always was. “Anna, we’re always going to be friends. You’re always going to have me.” He tilted my chin up so that I had to look at him. “I’ll always be here for you, Anna.”
I was on a plane by mid-afternoon on Saturday, heading back to Boston. I don’t remember ever feeling that tired before. I practically had to peel myself out of my seat when the plane landed and my head slumped against the window as soon as I got into the cab taking me back to campus.
Saturday at dusk, the campus was stirring to life. Groups of people were hanging out on the lawn, laughing, buzzing with the anticipation of what the night could bring.
My room was empty when I let myself in. I knew Fiona would be at the hockey game and then they’d all head to whatever parties were raging afterwards.
Declan’s girlfriend was here this weekend. Terrence tried to be casual about it Thursday during class, complaining that this weekend he’d be on his own, that all of his friends, “were whipped…Brandon with Victoria, Simon with Olivia and Declan with his girl in town.” I did my best to mask the hurt I’d felt. So that night, during our run, I was resentful when Declan wanted to talk about it. Did he do it with the intention of warning me that she’d be here? Why? To make sure that I steered clear? Well, I didn’t want to hear about her. I started taking about Jonathan only to prevent him from telling me about this girl he was in love with. The thought of him being in love with someone else? Well, there were no words to adequately describe the pain it caused me.
After I unpacked, I stood under the shower for longer than necessary, thinking. It was hard not to envision Declan kissing this mystery girl, running his hands gently over her skin, as he once had over mine.
I sank into bed and pulled out my worn copy of The Outsiders, Will’s favorite book. I started from the beginning, even though I’d read it so many times that I could recite it word-for-word by now. There were other times that I’ve just held the book in my hands, turning the pages, not reading, content in the knowledge that Will’s hands touched these very same pages. He’d folded down certain corners, doodled on some pages, and rested the closed book on his chest as I now did on mine.
I was in a sound sleep, book on my chest, hair still wrapped in a towel fashioned as a turban, when Fiona came stumbling in, some guy in tow. They laughed as they fell into a heap onto her bed. I was about to make my presence known when Fiona sputtered, “I used to like Declan but I’m thinking he’s an ass. I know he’s your friend, Terrence, but he’s a shit. And the worst part is his girlfriend is nice. And she’s pretty.”
Terrence was not particularly interested in talking about Declan, it sounded from the way he was nibbling on some part of Fiona, murmuring, “Why is that bad?”
“I wanted to be able to tell Anna that she’s a homely bitch, that’s why.” She erupted into another fit of giggles, as it seemed he was running his hands over some sensitive part of her body.
Terrence said, with some resentment as he went about his business with Fiona, “Yeah, he’s got it tough, right? He’s fucking one girl while he’s leading another one on.”
“Like I said, Terrence, I hate him.”
What was I to do? I was paralyzed, wanting to
run from the room but not wanting them to know that I’d heard them. Their words cut deep. I didn’t want to think about her, think about them together. I stuck my fingers in my ears when Terrence started saying something about me. I couldn’t listen to any more. I decided to bolt, figuring they were probably so drunk, they wouldn’t even remember seeing me. I went straight to Danielle and Lauren’s room, knocking loudly until Danielle opened up. She had been out tonight too but since that bad experience with Frank, she had been taking it easy with the drinking, always remaining in control.
“Brutal,” she commented after I told her what I’d overheard. “I saw her, Anna. I saw them together. I hadn’t realized that you had feelings for him. I mean, I’ve seen you two walking together, hanging out between classes and all, but I didn’t know it was anything more.”
“It’s not,” I said firmly. “He has a girlfriend and we’re just friends.”
She shrugged and smiled, unconvinced but supportive. “Lauren isn’t coming home, so flop here. She’s with Colin again.”
I was grateful for the bed even though I knew that sleep wouldn’t come easily tonight.
Chapter Five
Declan
I approached her tentatively that Monday night, ready for an icy cold reception¸ but she just smiled and said, “I was wondering if you were coming. I thought the cold might be too much for you tonight.”
It was cold out but it was nothing to someone like me, who spent most of his waking hours on the ice. I’m thinking Anna knew that.
She looked adorable, nose red, braids peeking out on either side from underneath her knit skullcap. She pulled her sleeves down over her hands and gestured to the road. “Let’s get going before my muscles tighten up.”
We ran in silence. I didn’t really know what to say. I wanted to know where she’d been over the weekend but was afraid she’d tell me she was here all along, that she had been at the party, watching me hold hands and occasionally peck my girlfriend on the cheek. I was pretty certain Fiona had relayed the details of meeting Tess, but if she had, Anna didn’t let on.