by Lily Foster
Victoria smiled. “Just sitting in a different section closer up. It was a great game, right?”
Tess leaned over and kissed my cheek. “It was a great game.”
“Come on,” Brandon said, “let’s head out.”
I didn’t want to go to the party at Warner’s place but I went anyway. I wished she wasn’t out tonight. I wanted Anna to be at home, away from the guys who were now eyeing her and her friends up and down.
I spent most of the night in a corner of the living room with a few of my teammates, Tess and Victoria. Fiona came over to talk but Anna stayed on the opposite side of the place with Colleen, Lauren and a few other girls from their hall. Shane was by her side most of the time but made his way towards me when he saw Tess and Vic go for the bathroom. “So, looks like you’ve gotten yourself into a situation.”
“What did Anna say?”
“Not much. I’m not book smart but even a moron like me can see what’s going on.”
“I’ve been with Tess for two years. I couldn’t even believe it when I saw Anna here.”
“And now?”
I just shook my head. Tess came back then. “So, Shane, did you and Declan meet at hockey camp or did you play against each other in high school?”
“Camp,” he said, smiling wide.
“Where did Jessica wind up going to school?” I asked.
“Princeton,” he beamed as he said it.
“So,” Tess said, “you date a genius?”
“Someone has to know how to manage all that NHL money I’m going to be making.”
“How’s that going?” I asked. I was curious as to how that worked.
“I’ve got some interest. But I’m finishing my last year at school. I’m not the sure thing that you seem to be.”
Tess smiled, looking back over her shoulder and up at me. “You hear that?” She turned back to Shane. “He acts like he has to have a sensible career all lined up. Like the NHL is only a pipe dream.”
“That’s because Declan’s smart.”
“He’s going to make it,” she said as she took my hand and wrapped it around her front so that she was snug against me, my arm under her breasts, holding her to me.
I looked past Shane to see Fiona and Anna looking right at me. Some guy from Shane’s team was handing Anna a cup and she turned her attention back to him, forcing a smile. I was going to have to leave soon because I couldn’t watch this. I leaned down and whispered in Tess’s ear, “I gotta take a leak. Be right back.”
I left her with Shane and Brandon. After coming out of the bathroom I made my way back around the other side of the room. When I passed Anna I said, “Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to take an open cup from a guy you don’t know at a party?”
If you were looking from afar you would never have even known we were talking, I thought. She didn’t even look up as she said, “No, Will never got the chance to impart that important piece of advice.”
“Anna, don’t trust any of these guys,” I pled as I kept moving past her.
“Don’t trust any guys, check.”
I deserved that. “Anna, you know I’m dying here, right?”
“Don’t worry, Declan, I won’t blow your cover.”
About a minute after I got back to my spot with Tess, I cringed when I noticed Fiona, Colleen and Anna making their way towards us. Fiona was the only one to speak, “We’re heading out. It was nice to see you again, Tess.”
“You too, Fiona.” Tess was speaking to Fiona but I noticed she had her eyes fixed on Anna. Anna was in a tight huddle with Shane. He was whispering in her ear, she was nodding. Then the two of them hugged tight and she left with Colleen, Fiona and Lauren following behind.
“Who was that girl with Shane?”
“Anna.”
“She’s pretty.”
Thank God for Brandon. He butted in, changing the subject, asking me about our practice schedule. We had practice early tomorrow, at eleven. Tess groaned, “Eleven o’clock?”
“Yeah, it’s an early ice time tomorrow.”
“Maybe I’ll head back Monday morning then. I don’t have class until noon.”
“Sounds good,” I said, trying to muster some enthusiasm. There would be no Sunday night at the library with Anna this week. Who was I kidding? Anna wouldn’t even be on speaking terms with me after this weekend, let alone be willing to let me feel her up in the dark corners of the library.
Tess wasted no time when we got back to the room. I could barely get through it. I felt like crap, shameful and, in some way, used. But I did do it, which doesn’t say much about me.
So much was running through my mind. So many things I wanted to say to Tess. If I had any balls I would have told her how much I loved her, how I didn’t want to hurt her, but how I wanted to experience this new part of my life without being in this relationship.
I didn’t have any balls.
She stayed Sunday. At her suggestion, we hung out outside while Frank and a few of the boys played basketball. As we sat off to the side she made a point, I think, of sitting in my lap on the lawn and kissing me. She’d never been much for public displays of affection before, but now she wasn’t coming up for air, oblivious to anyone watching the show. Then Tess said she wanted to eat in the cafeteria with my friends when I offered dinner in town that night. I got the feeling that Tess wanted to make her presence here known.
My bad luck, Anna was sitting just a few tables over at dinner. When she saw me sit down with Tess, at the long table where the boys, Melissa, Charlotte, and Paige were already seated, Anna got up to leave, face devoid of emotion.
I knew that she was probably sick seeing this. I knew if the situation was reversed, I wouldn’t be able to sit and watch her with someone else. It would kill me.
Charlotte, probably still looking to get back at Anna after their last run-in, made a point of calling out, “Hey, Anna, come hang out. Why you going so soon?” A few heads swung in my direction but Brandon and Victoria made an attempt to distract Tess, drawing her into conversation. I leveled my gaze at Charlotte and told her to shut up. I didn’t say it loud but I knew she could read my lips. I saw Melissa grab Charlotte’s arm in anger and I heard Colin ask her why she had to be such a bitch. Anna was gone by the time I looked up but I saw Colin jogging out the door, no doubt trying to catch up with her.
Tonight, I thought. Tonight I have to put an end to this. “Tess let’s go. I don’t feel like eating this crap.”
I guess my tone didn’t leave any room for discussion because Tess followed along willingly. She took my hand and stroked my forearm as we walked towards the campus bus stop that would take us to the town circle. “I guess you weren’t joking when you said you wanted Italian, huh?”
I smiled at her, weakly. “Sometimes that whole group thing…I just need to be away from it.”
“I totally get that. You know, Declan, this is probably all temporary for you anyway. You could go for the draft after this season maybe. Next season the latest.”
“Why would I do that? I want my degree.”
“I’m not saying never finish college, Declan. I’m just saying that you could go back after.”
The bus pulled up and we took two seats towards the back. “I’m asking you again, why would I want to do that?”
Tess looked impatient, annoyed. “I’d say it’s pretty obvious, Declan. You should go pro sooner rather than later. We could have financial security. What if you get injured now? What happens then?”
I dropped her hand and rested my head in my hands, leaning on the seat in front of me. “Then I’d get a job in the field that I earn my degree in, Tess. I’m not just good for hockey.”
“I didn’t mean that, Declan.”
I still wasn’t looking at her. “I think you did. I don’t want to think about financial stability, Tess. I’m fucking eighteen years old.”
She sat silent for a minute and then whispered angrily, “That’s because you’ve never had to worry, Declan. It must be nic
e to know you can charge whatever you want on daddy’s credit card whenever you want.”
I looked to her then. “Why do I have to make decisions about my entire life right now, Tess?”
“Declan,” she said, turning her head to look out the window. “I’m not trying to make decisions for you. But I do think about the future. I just always imagined it would be you and me. Together. Married. Family. There’s no one else for me.”
I grabbed her hands in mine, bracing both of us. I was about to tell her that line of bullshit that guys use—I need to take a break. It’s me, not you. There are some things I need to figure out on my own. But she beat me to it.
She whipped back to face me. “You know I thought I was pregnant a few weeks ago, Declan?” She looked angry in response to my reaction, which I imagined was a look of pure terror. “Yeah, I was scared to death too. That’s why I wouldn’t let you touch me during that last visit. And when I saw how happy you were here,” she waved her hand around, “in your new life…I was scared. I didn’t want you to be disappointed with me. I didn’t want you to feel like you were missing out, stuck with me and our…our baby. I didn’t know what to do. I was so relieved that it didn’t come to that, Declan. I was relieved for your sake more than mine. So don’t tell me that I don’t think about you, ok? All I do is think about you, care about you.”
I felt like shit. “I’m sorry, Tess.”
She leaned into my chest and cried. “I love you, Declan. If you don’t want to play hockey, go pro or whatever, then don’t. I don’t want you to feel like I’m pushing you.”
“Tess, I just want to be eighteen, you know?”
She nodded. A minute later she asked, “Declan, if I was…what would we have done?”
“I would have taken care of us, Tess. You know that.”
That night, she wanted me again. Told me she loved me again and again.
I said it back to her.
Anna
“You want my advice?” Shane asked. Without waiting for a response he said, “You’re making it too easy for him. He’s crazy about you, Anna. That’s plain to see. He looked like he wanted to kill me when I hugged you before and he’s been looking over here all crazy-eyes whenever one of these guys so much as talks to you.” He leaned in and whispered to me, “But you’re here, waiting. Fuck him, Anna, don’t wait.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Shane.”
“I’m not going to tell you to hook up with some random guy just for the sake of making him jealous, but if it was some girl leading me around by my dick, that’s what I’d do to her. You’re too good for that, though, and you could get yourself into trouble that way. Just…don’t let him think you’re down with this. Don’t let him think that he can have her and have you too.”
I just nodded. I had the feeling that if I attempted speech, I was bound to bawl. I walked out of the party with three very quiet girls in tow. Fiona, of course, finally broke the silence. “Well, he sucks.”
Colleen held my hand. “You all right?”
“I’m ok.”
“I’m sick to my stomach for you then,” Lauren said.
“I can’t believe I went there. I actually chose to torture myself. Something’s the matter with me.”
“Anyone in your shoes would have done the same,” Colleen said.
“I would have had to see it first-hand too,” Lauren added.
Fiona rubbed my shoulder softly. “Now that you know, though, what will you do?”
I looked at her smiling. “I know you’d like to hear some badass, girl power crap right now but if I’m being honest, I just don’t know. I want to hear it from him. I need to know how he feels about me.”
That was Saturday night. By Monday morning I was scarcely able to get out of bed. I felt like I was unravelling.
I had seen her ass planted in his lap, practically grinding against him, sitting out on the commons in broad fucking daylight on Sunday afternoon. “Keep moving, eyes ahead, keep moving,” Colleen prodded me from behind like a warden would her prisoner, as I stood dumbstruck taking in the scene. I literally felt myself choking on sobs. There were no tears, just the pitiful sounds of mewing gasps.
Sunday night, without an appetite to begin with, I went to the cafeteria at Fiona’s insistence and had to bear witness to the happy couple again.
It burned. Not just seeing Declan with her, but also seeing the animated way that Brandon, Victoria, Terrence, Melissa, Frank and Simon were talking to her. She was accepted, wanted; the way I’d felt when I was with them. Clearly, I thought, I was not their friend. I was just the girl on their friend Declan’s arm for the time being. And now that someone else had taken up residence in that spot, it was that girl who they now looked to welcome. It felt like a betrayal on their part as well. And to top off that perfect day, when that bitch Charlotte called out to me, I froze momentarily, feeling as if I was on the set of one of those after school specials where the mean girl is taunting the shy freak in public.
I was officially the freak.
My eyes actually hurt and they had to be red-rimmed and swollen Monday morning when there was a knock at my door. I’d blown off class. Fiona hadn’t pushed me when I told her I wasn’t getting up, she just ran back with a muffin and juice before she went to class without another word.
She was up for sainthood.
I didn’t answer at first but the knocking became louder and more insistent. I’d hoped it was him but dreaded seeing him at the same time. I had wanted him to crawl to me, perform some kind of penance, at least acknowledge what he had done to me. But I also despised this weak side of myself and didn’t want him to know how seeing Tess had affected me.
When I opened the door his eyes widened when he caught sight of my face. I must have looked really hot.
“You didn’t go to class.”
“You’re perceptive,” I said as I slid back under my comforter and rolled onto my side looking in his direction but not at him.
“Are you sick or something?” He looked as awkward and uncomfortable as humanly possible.
“Are you kidding?” Shane’s words were echoing in my ears and my anger was rising. I had made it too easy for him. Was I sick, he asked? Was he going to pretend or just try to blow it off? No big deal, she was here, she’s gone, we’re good, right?
Weary then, I said, “Just get out, Declan.”
He ignored me, sitting on my bed, resting his head in his hands. Even the feel of his weight sinking the bed hurt me deep in my chest. “Anna, I know how badly I’m fucking up. Three times this weekend, Anna. I tried. She says things…I can’t bring myself to do it.”
“Then don’t,” I said, flatly. “Maybe you don’t want to, Declan. I have no claim on you and you have no claim on me. Maybe what we were…maybe I was just a distraction, someone who was here when she wasn’t.”
“Anna,” he said as he moved my arm from over my eyes, where I’d draped it a minute ago. “First, don’t talk in the past tense about me. Second, why didn’t you tell me you’d broken up with your boyfriend?”
He looked a little annoyed with me. Was he kidding? “Why should it matter?”
“It does.”
“Are you kidding me? Why? Why should it matter?” I challenged. “Did it make you feel better about what you were doing?” I stared at the ceiling, trying to quell the rage and the sadness swirling inside of me. “I broke up with Jonathan because I couldn’t treat him that way. What you do with Tess,” I paused because saying her name made me choke up again. I hated her name. I had to shake it off so I could get the words out. “How you live your life isn’t for me to decide. And now, I want you out of my life. You obviously don’t care about me, let alone love me. I guess I was too dense to figure it out before but you made everything crystal clear this weekend.”
“Anna,” he said, his tone pleading.
His soothing, placating tone grated on me. Yeah, now I was on a roll. “How cute you two were, sticking your tongues down each other’s throats
in front of everyone. Is that how you hicks do it up in Cape Elizabeth? You should have just fucked her in front of everyone Sunday afternoon while you were at it, Declan. Really given everyone a show.”
I guess with the venom I was spewing I couldn’t expect the storybook ending, the one where Declan stops me and declares his undying love for me. Yeah, that so didn’t happen. After a few moments of dead silence I said, weakly, “Please leave, Declan. Please just get out.”
I’d covered my face again with my forearm so that he couldn’t see the tears spilling from the corners of my eyes. I wanted him out of my room, now. I fucking hated him in that moment. He kissed my forehead a moment later and then I heard the door shut behind him.
I decided to make a day of it.
“Holy crap, you’re still in bed? It’s five o’clock,” Fiona said as she flopped down next to me.
I couldn’t help but crack a smile. “I’m actually feeling better now. I just had to wallow in it, you know?”
“I do know, Anna. I’m the same. When I feel crappy I’m all in—sad songs, sad movies, greasy food. I have to just immerse myself in the sadness and wait for it to pass. And it always does pass.”
“He came over.”
“I’m not surprised. I mean, it’s obvious he cares about you, Anna, but fuck….you know? Anything earth shattering to report? Did he break up with her?” She didn’t look like she was expecting me to say yes.
“No,” I said, shaking my head, resigned to the whole shitty situation. “You feel like splitting some wings and a pitcher? That weird little bar off campus that screens old movies on Monday nights is playing Kingpin at seven. Wanna go?”
Fiona smiled. “Absolutely. I love me some Big Earl. Can I ask the other girls or you want it to be just you and me?”
“No, you can ask them,” I said as I whisked off the covers and gathered my things for the shower. “Just please declare it a No Declan Talk-kind of night, ok?”
Chapter Six
Declan
The next week was Thanksgiving break. I had a game Wednesday afternoon, practice Friday and a big game against Vermont Saturday. Tess wasn’t very understanding when I mentioned I was staying at school instead of taking the four-plus-hour bus ride back to Maine. To me it didn’t make sense. My father was probably planning to make a meal out of his Wild Turkey—the booze not the animal—and Tess’s house was not where I really wanted to be. Some of the other guys were staying, I explained, and I wanted to show the coach I was here, putting in some extra time in the weight room and on the ice. “Who else is staying on campus?” she asked, her voice filled with suspicion. This will be my life, I thought, always needing to reassure her.