Let Me Heal Your Heart

by Lily Foster

  “Brandon, Dominic, a few of the guys on the basketball team…you know, the people who have to be here.”

  “I should just come there and stay with you instead of going home.”

  “Tess, both games are away. You can’t ride on the team bus.”

  She sighed. “Jesus, I’m going to be miserable at home for four days. Ugh, stuck in Maine with my family, with no Declan to distract me.”

  I laughed. “You’d better not let your sisters hear you talk like that.”

  “Are you kidding? Sometimes I wonder how we could possibly be related. Becky and Deena think Cape Elizabeth is the greatest place on earth, the social epicenter of the universe.”

  “They’re in high school. That’s how they should feel.”

  “I never did. The only thing that was ever good about Cape Elizabeth was you.”

  “Aw now, I’m flattered, Tess.”

  “You should be.” After a moment she said, “You know I’ll never be able to live there, right? I can’t settle there, Declan. That place will kill me.”

  “A little dramatic, no?”

  “No,” she snapped. “I won’t live there, Declan.”

  “Good to know.” Jesus…light, fun conversation over as quickly as it started. We were back to our deep, exhausting drag. I felt like baiting her and telling her there was nowhere else on earth besides Cape Elizabeth that I could ever picture my future.

  “Declan,” she sighed. “I’m just saying that I see us living someplace exciting, like Chicago, LA or New York.”

  “I’m not looking so far ahead. Remember, Tess? I just want to be eighteen?”

  “Yep, I recall that conversation. I want to be in the moment too, Declan, but I’m also happiest when I’m imagining our future together.”

  “Tess,” I swallowed, trying to work up my nerve. “I want to feel free.”

  She waited a moment before she asked, “In what way?” She was on guard.

  “Free of thinking what my future holds. Don’t you…ever see people at school that you want to maybe get to know?” I was holding my breath at this point.

  “I have people who express interest in me, Declan. And I look. But I already know it in my heart. Losing you would be the end for me. There’d be nothing left.” I didn’t reply. “Are you trying to tell me something, Declan?”

  “Tess, I love you, I just—”

  She cut me off. “I know you love me and I love you, more than anything. I need you, Declan, so much. I want to be with you now, Declan, every day. There’s no one else for me.”

  Say it, just say it, I urged myself on. “Tess,” I said, listening to her soft sobs on the other end. “Don’t cry, come on.”

  “You have everything, Declan. I know you don’t need me. But I’m different. I feel such sadness when I’m not with you that sometimes I worry what I’d do to myself if—”

  It wasn’t the first time she’d said it. Those thinly veiled threats that kept me in my place. I’d never forgive myself. I’d be completely done if she ever harmed herself because of something I’d done to her. I spent the last few minutes of that conversation calming her down, pledging to her that I would come home early Thursday and take a bus back first thing Friday morning.

  I steered clear of Anna those few days before break and she certainly wasn’t looking for me. I deserved everything she’d said to me on Monday. I hadn’t been good to her. I’d played the part of Tess’s boyfriend while she was forced to look on in horror.

  I looked out my window each night at ten o’clock but didn’t see her making her way towards the road. The past few days had been rainy, with a biting wind. The miserable weather fit my mood.

  I wanted to see her, do more than see her, but I knew I didn’t deserve it anymore. If I couldn’t be all-in with Anna then I needed to suffer the loss of her.

  I couldn’t have it both ways.

  Anna

  As I walked across the grass to the road behind my dorm, I could feel his eyes on me. Maybe I was imagining it, just hoping that I was still on his mind. I had the distinct feeling, though, that I was being watched.

  The driver hopped out of the sleek black Mercedes, bowing his head slightly as he took my bag and then opened my door for me. I cringed now, hoping that Declan or anyone else hadn’t seen me.

  I wasn’t embarrassed by the perks that my aunt and uncle’s wealth provided for me, it’s just that sometimes it made people see me differently. I didn’t grow up poor by any means; my father, despite his limited business acumen and complete lack of common sense, had benefitted greatly from his sister’s marriage to Vince Cole. Uncle Vince had made sure that my father was always employed and well compensated. We lived well. Our standard of living, though, was not comparable to the Coles’.

  Uncle Vince controlled one of the largest multi-national corporations in the world. My cousin, Dylan, was now second in line, his father’s right-hand man. He would eventually take the reins and assume complete control of Cole Industries. They had private planes, chauffeur-driven cars, a chef who followed them to any one of the four residences they owned, housekeepers, personal shoppers—you get the idea.

  Living with them afforded me access to all of this. It was nice, don’t get me wrong, but that kind of wealth comes with drawbacks. I saw the guarded way that Dylan carried himself with other people, always wary of people wanting to be associated with him because of his name, his money. Before he met Kasia, I don’t think he ever looked at a woman without suspicion; never sure if they liked him for the person he was, or if they were just in it for the potential of having access to the Cole Industries lifestyle.

  This Thanksgiving I would be seeing my father and his new girlfriend. He called to tell me he was bringing her to dinner at Margot and Vince’s. Then I was spending Saturday with my mother; she had called to ask if I would come by her place for the day. My initial reaction was to decline in some removed, stand-offish way, but she sounded sincere on the phone and I guess I’m a bit of a sucker.

  By the end of the weekend it surprised me, how completely blissed out I was feeling. My father was bearable and his girlfriend was actually nice. She wasn’t the Botox-enhanced, fake-titted, gold-digger that I was expecting to meet. No, Sheila was tasteful, articulate and…normal. Margot came into my room and sat on my bed that night to dish. Cautiously, she said, “I didn’t think she was entirely awful. I didn’t think her highlights looked natural but aside from needing a new colorist, I thought she was ok.”

  “I know, weird, right? I liked her and I think I liked my father better because he was with her.”

  Margot looked sad as she said, “Todd has always been…I don’t know how to say it, I just always felt like he needed me to look out for him. He needed a wife who could be a help to him, to support him. It’s not your mother’s fault, it’s just that I think they were too much alike to be good for one another.”

  “Both immature, both selfish, both needy?”

  “Something like that,” she said, smiling. “So what are we doing tomorrow? I feel cheated. I only have you to myself for one day.”

  “Spa, bookstore, dinner at La Viola?”

  “Perfect. I have missed having you home, Anna,” she said as she kissed my head goodnight.

  The next day Margot and I had facials, mani-pedis and massages. In between treatments, Margot sipped her mineral water thoughtfully as I told her everything about Declan. She wasn’t surprised about the breakup with Jonathan and she smiled when I described Declan to her. “There’s more,” she said. “You sound like you care deeply for him but you’re sad. You should be happy when you’re in love, Anna.”

  Unlike my friends, who seemed to know and enjoy telling me exactly what I should do, Margot didn’t give me any advice. After I told her everything she said, “That’s painful, Anna. Thinking about someone you love with someone else, wondering if they care about that other woman, it’s like having your own heart torn in two.” It hurt to hear Margot say that because she seemed to be speaking from
experience. I loved my uncle but knowing him well, I didn’t doubt it.

  La Viola was the kind of mom-and-pop joint where you could feel comfortable in jeans while enjoying a fifty-dollar bottle of Chianti with overly-priced baked clams that, I admit, sent me straight to Nirvana. It was expensive, like every place in this town, but it was the place you went to when you wanted to let your hair down.

  Margot and I had just been seated. I was starving, anxious for the server to bring our garlic bread when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned up to see a girl wearing her wait staff uniform. Her face looked familiar but I couldn’t place it. I was wondering why on earth she had her hand on my shoulder; most waitresses didn’t feel the need to touch you as they jotted down your order. Margot cocked her head to the side, smiling warmly, polite but direct. “Hello, dear.”

  “Hello, Mrs. Cole. How are you?” Before waiting for a reply she looked back to me and said, “Anna, I hardly recognized you, you look so much older. Are you in college now?”

  “Yes. I’m sorry, I—”

  She touched her chest. “Carolyn. It’s been years. I was friends with Will and with…Drew.”

  It finally dawned on me—Drew’s girlfriend, Carolyn. She had broken up with him two weeks before. He was so distraught, couldn’t cope, couldn’t live. My eyes closed for a second and I felt Margot take my hand. “How have you been, Carolyn?” I managed, recovering.

  She shrugged her shoulders and smiled. “I’m doing all right. I transferred to Fairfield. I’m living at home for now. Anna,” she paused, looking over at Margot briefly, “I’d love to catch up with you if you have any time this weekend.”

  I was silent for a moment but quickly came to the conclusion that I really did want to talk to this girl. She seemed like she had something she wanted to get off her chest and I was still hungry to learn every detail about that night, as painful as it might be. “I’d like that. Can you meet for coffee tomorrow morning? I’m due at my mother’s by noon.”

  We set our plans and then another girl came over to take our order. “Well, that was interesting,” Margot offered.

  “You seem like you know her pretty well, Margot.”

  “This is Dylan’s favorite place too, Anna. I’m here a fair amount. Carolyn is a nice girl. I feel badly for her. Her mother told me that she had a bit of a breakdown her first semester at UPenn…had to come home.”

  She was at a corner table when I walked in, talking to the waitress at the cute French pastry shop off Main Street that she’d suggested. “Anna,” she beamed as I approached. She looked to the server. “Tori, do remember Will’s little sister, Anna?”

  “Oh my God! You probably didn’t know me in high school, Anna, but I remember you. I remember,” she laughed, “being obsessed with all things Will Clarke related. I think I started scribbling Mrs. Tori Clarke in my notebook in fourth grade! How are you?”

  It was so odd, speaking with people who dropped my brother’s name so easily—in happy conversation no less. I liked it. “I do remember you. Tori Williams, right? You were the star volleyball player.”

  “Yes. My setting and spiking days are over, though. High school is one thing; I was a big fish in a small pond. The girls on my college team are Amazons. I tried out for the team but, yeah, that didn’t work out. Hey, you know we have a friend in common? Jeremy comes in here pretty often.”

  “Really? I’m going to text him now and tell him I’m here. I haven’t seen him since the summer.”

  “You’re friends with Jeremy?” Carolyn asked, surprised.

  “Yeah. He was really good to me after…everything.”

  She nodded and Tori changed the subject, taking our order before leaving us. “I’m glad you agreed to meet me, Anna. I was afraid to ask you last night.”

  I shook my head. “It’s like I still feel the need to hear every detail, anything about that night, you know?”

  She sat thinking for a moment and then said, “I don’t think about the actual event. I was always obsessed with trying to piece together what led up to it.”

  “You know,” Carolyn said, “I always felt the need to tell you that I’m sorry. I feel so terrible that Will died that night.” She reached up and pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to stop the tears from coming. “I mean, I feel so sad for Drew also but Will…he had nothing to do with it.”

  “How were you after? Margot told me—”

  “I was a mess. And your aunt is a seriously wonderful lady. She came to see me right after I came home from school, did you know that?” I shook my head. “Yeah. She’s been very good to me, Anna.” She took a deep breath, settling into her story. “My parents pulled me out of school senior year. I’d already been accepted at U Penn and I did the last bit of classes with a tutor at home. I couldn’t leave the house. I thought everywhere I went people were looking at me and…everyone hated me, Anna. I was the cold bitch who’d driven Drew to it. And according to half of the senior class, it was as if I’d pulled the trigger and killed Will myself. Two of the nicest, most popular boys in our class were dead because of me.” She shook her head. “I don’t know why I thought I’d be able to handle going away to school. My poor roommate. She knew within a week that she was living with a seriously unbalanced individual. I put my fist through a window one Saturday night in early September. I was taken away in an ambulance and spent a month at,” she waggled her eyebrows and smiled weakly as she said, “a facility.”

  I took her hand then as Tori laid our coffees and croissants on the table without a word. Carolyn smiled at me. “I’m so much better now, Anna, but it was a long road. I was so mad for so long.”

  “Me too. I blamed everyone and I was so angry.”

  “I’m sure you blamed me.”

  “You and everyone else,” I said, shaking my head reassuringly. “I hated Drew’s dad for having a gun in the house in the first place. I was mad at Will, for goodness sake. I was so mad at him for going over there that night.”

  “I was too,” Carolyn said, smiling as she brushed away a tear that had slid down her cheek.

  “I’m better now too, Carolyn. It still hurts like hell some days but I know that sometimes things just happen and we have no control over them. Only Drew made that night happen, no one else. You should be able to be seventeen years old and decide that you don’t want to date a boy anymore, Carolyn. I don’t think anything was your fault. I don’t even blame Drew anymore. God, I just…I miss him.”

  Declan

  Anna passed by me on her way to class. She met my eyes, smiled, never breaking her stride. I saw her sitting with two guys and another girl in the library, in the section where I used to corner her and kiss her. When I approached her and said hello, she looked up and smiled before returning to her conversation.

  The last time I saw Anna she had been her version of mean. She was trying to hurt me back, even though nothing she could have said could even come close to the pain I’d inflicted by parading Tess in front of her. Now Anna was impassive, cool, detached. I liked the Anna who bitched me out better. This Anna was scary.

  The next day I saw her in the bookstore. “How was your break, Anna?”

  “Oh, hi,” she answered, her expression tight. “It was really good. Yours?”

  “It was ok.”

  “I heard you guys beat Vermont. That was a big win.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’ve gotta get to class. It was nice to see you, Declan.”

  It was nice to see me? She was treating me like an acquaintance, with polite indifference. “Nice to see you too,” I said, shaking my head. I looked up to see her looking right back at me, jaw clamped, angry.

  “What is it you’d like, Declan? Would you like me to kiss you hello? Ask detailed questions about your weekend? Ask you how Tess is? Ask how many times you fucked her this weekend?” She shook her head. “See you around,” she said before turning to go.

  I watched her walk the entire length of the quad. Her hair was back to its original honey blond. When
it rained her hair was curlier; it was nearly in ringlets today, bouncing as she walked. I liked her hair natural like that, I thought, sadly.

  She wasn’t mine to look at. She wasn’t mine to miss.

  Being around her while fighting the urge to reach out and pull her body close to mine was going to be hell.

  I spent a lot of time in the weight room and more time running the streets of Boston. I meant for the workouts to be a distraction, time to tune out and not think, but I found myself ruminating over the whole fucked-up situation the entire time I was either running or in the middle of countless reps.

  Thanksgiving break had been frustrating, weird, you name it. I was cursing Tess as I sat cramped in the small Greyhound bus seat on Thanksgiving morning. Without a car, the two-hour trip stretched to just over four. Stiff from the game the night before and unable to sleep, I came off the bus only to realize that she hadn’t even come to pick me up at the station. Instead of calling her, I went straight to my house. I had texted my dad the day before to tell him I’d be in town and he’d called me back right away. I groaned when I saw his number but answered. He’d been reaching out and calling me at least once a week for the past three weeks. “I’m glad you’re coming home, son. I’m cooking.”

  I felt like asking why but, as usual, I decided not to bother with questions. Cook for the two of us, why go through the trouble? When I walked in the door, I saw the reason for my dad’s efforts. A petite, dark haired woman was arranging a vase full of flowers on the dining room table. The table was set with my mother’s dishes. “That’s my mother’s china,” I said as I dropped my bag on the floor.