by Lily Foster
When we lie curled up together afterward, he told me there was no one else but me. When he cleaned us up afterward and noticed the slight trace of blood, he pulled me close to him and told me that I was his. Before we drifted off to sleep he told me he’d love me forever.
“I’ll love you forever, Anna.”
I woke to pounding on the door and Declan’s body turning stiff and rigid as a board next to me. “Oh, shit,” he whispered.
“Declan! Open the door!”
I didn’t know her voice but from his reaction, I knew it had to be Tess. I could hear Brandon with her now. “Tess, what’s the matter?”
“Where is he, Brandon?” She sounded frantic.
“Probably sleeping. Calm down. Tell me what’s going on.”
I still had my eyes closed. “Anna,” he whispered, barely audible. “Wake up, Anna.”
I could hear her outside. “I need to see him,” Tess said as she continued to pound on the door.
I looked up at Declan then, who looked like he was staring down the barrel of a shotgun. More afraid of the banshee on the other side of the door than of me, I gathered. “Anna, I’m sorry, can you go?” he whispered to me and then looked in the direction of his window.
My eyes widened in disbelief and then I bolted upright in bed, no clothes on. “Oh my God, I’m so stupid. I’m so stupid,” I repeated as I grabbed for my clothes and struggled to get my shirt over my head.
“No!” he whispered—make that lip-synched—pleading with me.
“I cannot believe you.” Now I was whispering too. I should have been screaming at the top of my lungs.
Outside I heard Tess. “You’re in there! I can hear you!” She was crying now.
“What are you doing, Tess?” Brandon was starting to sound a little frantic himself. “Get off the floor, Tess. He’s not in there. He’s probably getting breakfast already, Tess. He’s always up early.”
I opened the window. I was climbing out a fucking window. Who was I?
He grabbed my wrist. “Anna.”
I jerked my arm away. “Don’t touch me. I’m an ass. I can’t believe that was my first time and I’m always going to remember it because the guy wanted me to slink away the next morning like some slut, like his dirty little secret.”
He hopped out after me as I could hear Tess screaming for him from the other side of the door, crying. “No, Anna, you don’t understand.”
He wouldn’t let go of my left hand until I slapped him with my right, hard. I’d never slapped anyone before and the sharp, cracking sound it made, along with the bright red mark it left, should have felt satisfying but it didn’t.
I was thankful that Fiona was out when I opened my door. She’d helped me nurse a broken heart over Declan too many times. It was borderline embarrassing at this point.
I cried in the shower, the memory of being naked with Declan just a few short hours ago was bitter as I felt the water wash over my body.
Wrapped in my towel, I ignored the knocking on my door, Jimmy calling to me. After a few minutes I answered him but didn’t open the door, so beaten down and tired that speech was an effort. “Please go away, Jimmy.”
“Anna.”
After a minute he slid a folded up piece of paper under the door and said, “It’s from him, Anna.”
I opened it.
Anna I’m so sorry.
I love you.
Please forgive me-D
The hastily scribbled note had the same rushed but neat penmanship that Drew’s had. The words were identical. The only thing missing were the bloody fingerprints.
I barely remember calling Margot but remember her saying something about Vince being in Boston. I vaguely remember Uncle Vince gathering me up in his arms and hurrying me downstairs with Fiona shooing away anyone who came near or asked a question. “She’s fine. Her blood sugar is low. Back off.”
Declan
I had become an excellent liar. I took a deep breath, collected myself, knocked on Terrence’s window to borrow some flip flops, sweats and a baseball cap, and then made my way back into the dorm via the front door. I was just coming back from breakfast…right. Get your story straight, Banks.
Brandon and Jimmy’s door was open. Tess was sitting at the desk. She jumped up and charged towards me when I went to open my door. “Declan!”
“Tess?”
“Where did you just come from?”
She had definitely been crying. Brandon was standing behind her, eyebrows raised, as if to say, “You’re fucked.” Jimmy was standing behind her too. His look said, “You’re an asshole.”
“I was just grabbing breakfast. I have practice in a few hours. What are you doing here so early? Why didn’t you call?”
If she’d suspected anything she wasn’t letting on. She threw her arms around my neck and started bawling. The words, “I had to tell you in person. It’s terrible,” spilled out between sobs.
My throat was tight and I was suddenly scared to death. Please, God, I thought, don’t let her be pregnant. I walked her back across the hall and closed my door. “Tess, calm down. What’s the matter?” She was sitting on my bed and I was rubbing my hand in circles on her back.
“It’s my dad. He got laid off.” She raised her voice. “Forget Christmas presents, forget spring break, forget even getting a used car so that I can get around that crappy, spread out for miles campus.”
I let out a sigh of relief. “Shit, that sucks. Your poor dad.”
“I’m so sick of it, Declan. Living in that house, having to always cut back, having to settle for less.”
I looked at Tess. I didn’t want to argue with her right now but the girl had no perspective. “Tess, your dad does good by you. He works his ass off, provides you with nice clothes, a roof over your head, a college education. Tess, you know it was a struggle to let you room and board at school when you could have easily commuted, but he made that happen. Cut him some slack.”
“Easy for—”
“—me to say. Yeah, Tess, because I have everything going for me, right? I think I’ll get a present this Christmas because my dad won’t be passed out drunk like every other year. And if he does forget, his girlfriend will probably remember. I haven’t had a happy Christmas memory in four years, Tess. And by the way, thanks for checking in on me yesterday to see how I was doing on my mom’s anniversary. Stop acting like it’s the end of the world. Your father will get another job. You won’t starve. You can take care of yourself, Tess.”
Tess looked as if I’d slapped her. She lowered her head. She seemed angry but also shamed. The bit about my mother wasn’t really fair but I was sick of her constant woe-is-me act. And I was angry at her for making me fuck things up with Anna again. Yeah, that was totally unfair. Tess wasn’t guilty of messing up anything with Anna—that was all on me.
“You’re right,” she whispered. “I’m sorry, Declan.” After a minute she said, “I’ll wait until after practice for you. I took my mom’s car here. I’ll drive you back home.”
“Thanks. And it will be all right, Tess.”
I was thinking that she’d better brace herself, because there was another giant shit storm coming her way. My damn chest felt tight and I was sweating. I wanted to run over to Anna’s quick and beg her to trust me, to wait for me. I couldn’t. I felt trapped. “Did you eat?” I asked.
“No, I left at six-thirty this morning. I’m starving, actually.”
“Let’s go eat. I’ll take you to the diner.”
“I thought you already ate?”
Deceit, coming right up. It was scary, how easily the lies now came to me. “I did but I could go for a cheddar bacon omelette. More energy for practice.”
“Ok.”
“I’ll be right back. I’m just gonna tell Brandon we’re going out and that I’ll be back in time for practice.” Tess was walking around the room, straightening up. If she found a pair of women’s underwear then…so be it. I was fucked, one way or the other.
“Hey, gimm
e a notebook,” I said to Jimmy as I walked into their room across the hall.
Brandon came up close behind me as I was scribbling out a note. “She heard, Declan.”
“I don’t think so, Brandon.”
He pushed my shoulder and whispered, angrily, “I heard Anna’s voice, clear as day, so Tess did too. If she’s acting like she didn’t hear you with a girl, pretending that shit didn’t happen, then that’s fucked up on an entirely different level.”
I ripped the page out of the notebook. “Can you give this to her, Brandon?”
He backed away from me, palms up. “No fucking way. I’m not getting in the middle of this mess anymore.”
“Seriously? You won’t do this for me?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head, arms folded across his chest.
“Jimmy?”
“I’ll do it,” he said. He didn’t look thrilled about it, though.
About half an hour later, Tess and I were making our way towards her car in the lot between my dorm and Anna’s. Why couldn’t she have parked on the back road, I thought to myself. I was a bundle of nerves. Tess went to grab my hand as we walked but I moved my hand before she could. I hoped it wasn’t too obvious.
There was a massive, black SUV with tinted windows in the lot. Some giant, beefy looking bodyguard-type, dressed in an expensive looking suit, stood outside the vehicle. His hand was perched on his hip where, it seemed, his gun was resting. Who the hell was that car for, I thought, the president? Tess said, “Which rich brat does he belong to?”
“I don’t know. Yeah, the whole bodyguard thing is a little excessive.” With that, I saw a tall, slim, well-dressed man heading for the car taking long strides, his arms huddled around someone he looked to be holding up. Fiona was walking alongside them, trying to keep pace. Fuck.
“Where are you going?” I heard Tess call after me.
“What’s going on?” I said as I rushed over. “Anna?”
“You,” Fiona said, pointing her finger and glaring at me, “stay away from her.”
I went to move towards her and the bodyguard stiff-armed me, throwing me back, knocking the wind out of me. The other man put Anna in the car, closed the door behind her and then rounded on me. Looking at Fiona and then back to me he said, “Is he the one who wrote the note? Is that your idea of a sick joke?”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, catching my breath. By then, a small crowd had gathered. “Sir, I don’t understand.”
He was shaking with rage. “Don’t you ever step within a mile of my niece again or you’ll live to regret it. Do you understand?”
He got into the truck without waiting for a response. The bodyguard closed the door behind him, gave me a quick but menacing stare-down, and then got in the car and drove off.
I was shell-shocked. Fiona was walking back down the hill with Victoria, Jimmy and Brandon, leaving me there without a word. Tess was sitting on the ground about five feet from me, staring at me, mouth hanging open, tears forming at the corners of her eyes. One guy I didn’t know was saying something about how cool it was that I had been bitched out by the Vince Cole, likening it to getting a verbal ass-kicking from Bill Gates. A girl next to him joked that I probably just blew my chance of getting hired by Cole Industries after graduation.
I straightened up and looked at Tess, shaking my head. “I’m sorry, Tess.”
“Tell me what exactly it is that you’re sorry for, Declan.”
I could see Charlotte, Paige and a few other girls standing at the base of the hill, watching me and Tess, loving the drama. “I cheated on you, Tess.”
“With that girl…Anna.” She didn’t say it as a question. Brandon was right, Tess had known.
“Let’s go home, Tess. We need to talk.”
I texted my coach, telling him I had a family emergency and would be missing practice. He texted back: Unacceptable. I wrote again, telling him I would be back on campus by three o’clock today. It was ten now. Two and a half hours up to Cape Elizabeth, two and a half hours back, half an hour to talk. As I turned the key in the ignition another text came in, from Jimmy this time.
Something about a suicide note and her brother????
I shot Anna a quick text:
Are you ok? Worried about u.
Tess and I drove in silence for the first two hours. She was looking out the window most of the time but would periodically glance over in my direction. I’m sure she was waiting for me to say something and although I had a thousand thoughts racing through my mind, I had nothing to say.
“I cheated on you too, Declan.”
I shook my head, never taking my eyes off the road. “Seriously, Tess?”
“Someone from school. It was over as soon as it started, Declan. It was a mistake. I love you.”
I wasn’t angry at her for the cheating but I was angry at her unwillingness to let go, ignoring me every time I’d tried to talk to her about our relationship.
“My point, Declan, is that I forgive you. Please forgive me. Let’s move on from it. Anna never happened as far as I’m concerned.”
We were driving down the road about a mile from her house now. “No, she happened, Tess, just like you felt something for the guy that you were with.”
“I do not feel anything for anyone but you!” Her voice was raised now. “Don’t do this, Declan. I can’t. I can’t…I don’t know what I’ll do if—”
I slammed on the breaks. “Stop!” I screamed. “Stop it! Don’t threaten me. Don’t make me feel like I’ll be responsible if you hurt yourself. Fuck, Tess. How could you say shit like this to me after what my mother did? How can you fucking do it?”
She said nothing. I was out of breath, my head resting against the steering wheel. I slowly let out a breath and looked straight ahead, starting to drive again, slowly. When we pulled up outside of her house, I went to grab her bag from the back but she got to it first. She slammed her door. I got out after her and she turned to me. “Where are you going? Just leave, Declan!” she screamed.
Her father came out onto the porch and I approached. “Tess and I broke up. I’m worried about her, Sir.”
Tess threw her head back, laughing, and then spat, “Shut up, Declan. You’ve got to be kidding me.”
I ignored her and looked straight to her father. “She’s said some things in the past that make me worried about her. I just wanted you to know.”
“What things?” he was looking between the both of us.
Tess sneered, “Don’t flatter yourself. God, the hockey star, thinks he’s all that. I’m not going to hurt myself over you, ok, Declan?”
“I’m sorry, Tess.”
“I hate you, Declan!” she called after me as I walked down the path, leading back to the main road. “Merry fucking Christmas! I hate you!” she screamed again, louder.
I pulled out my phone and dialed my father. He pulled up alongside me five minutes later. “Thanks, Dad. Listen, can I drop you off back at the house? It’s a long story but I have to head back down to Boston or else my coach is going to bench me. He’s probably already benched me,” I muttered the last sentence more to myself.
“If you don’t mind, I’ll drive you down. I’m picking something up on Newbury Street that I ordered a few weeks ago. I’ll drop you off at campus and then get you on my way back.”
“All right.” I was too keyed up to even protest the idea of being cooped up in the car for five hours with him.
After fifteen minutes of silence he asked, “I’m assuming the answer to the question, ‘Is everything ok?’ is a no.”
“Good guess.”
He looked out the window, gathering his courage, I supposed, and then said, “I know I was never the one you came to with problems. I wasn’t the best father. If you need to talk—if you want to—I’m here. That’s all.”
I looked over to him. I admit, my initial reaction was to give him the passive aggressive silent response that I usually did. In its own way, it was more powerful than angry words. He
was taking a risk, though, and Anna’s words about smacking away an outstretched hand were echoing in my ear. “I broke up with Tess. I’ve wanted to for a long time, I guess, but everything came to a head today.”
He nodded, thoughtfully. “She’s angry about it.”
“Outraged, pissed, furious. She makes me feel so goddamn guilty all the time.”
“Guilty?”
“Yeah, like I’m abandoning her, you know? It feels like a choke hold. And now that I have broken up with her, I feel so bad about it, about hurting her.”
“You’re not in love with her, though.”
“No.” I was laying it all out there today. “I’m in love with someone else.”
He nodded. “She makes you happy, this other girl?”
“Yeah, really happy. But I think I’ve managed to screw everything up on that end too.”
“Love, especially at your age, must make you happy. You have to choose happiness, Declan.”
I was staring out the window. About ten minutes later my dad said, “It’s no secret your mother and I weren’t happy.” He looked to me. “And I take responsibility for that. I was angry for most of our marriage and I took it out on her. If I wasn’t physically absent from our home, I kept myself at a distance emotionally. I punished her.”
My blood was suddenly boiling. “You were an asshole. You were a terrible husband and shit for a father.”
He looked straight ahead, swallowed and nodded his head. “I deserve that.” I noticed, not looking away as I usually did, that my father’s face had changed. The gray hair that used to be just at his temples was now sprinkled throughout. There were creases and wrinkles that I’d never noticed before. There were good changes too, though. The eyes were clear and his skin now had the color of someone who strolled the beach daily and rode his mountain bike on the weekends.
When I kept my gaze on him, I guess he took that as a sign that I was still interested in what he had to say. I actually was.
“Declan, I was a young man once too. And I…well, life threw me a few curveballs that changed things, changed me. I don’t necessarily expect you to understand or forgive me but believe me when I say that decisions you make at your age can affect you for years to come. So choose wisely. Choose happiness.”