by Lily Foster
“Oh. That’s good.”
“Yeah,” he said absently.
When I thought about switching my class, I felt sad. The nearly two hours I’d just spent with Declan, just the nearness of him…it felt nice. My body was betraying me already. Sitting with our thighs only inches apart, taking in his scent, hearing him sigh or yawn…I’d wanted to go back to that place with him, the place where it was good.
The only theology class left was Women in Western Religion. It met at the same time, same days. Good bye, Father Delaney, good bye, Declan. I signed the forms reluctantly even though I knew it was for the best.
Dinner? Declan texted a few hours later.
I wrote back: Can’t…have deadline for that application.
He wrote right back: Lunch Thurs?
I did say that we would talk after break. I answered: Sure.
I took special care getting dressed Thursday morning. I couldn’t help myself. I still felt the hope, the need to be the most beautiful woman Declan had ever laid eyes on. Pathetic, I know.
It was damp outside so my hair didn’t need much coaxing to fall into nice, loose curls. I wore only lip gloss. He wasn’t a big fan of make-up and I really didn’t need it anyway; lately my skin always had a nice healthy glow from all the running. I wore a snug navy cami with a red and navy plaid button down shirt over it. I left the top three buttons and the bottom two buttons open. The shirt was fitted in a way that made my breasts look, in my opinion, pretty great. I had on skinny jeans tucked into these distressed brown riding boots that came just slightly over the knee in front and laced up the back. They had been a present from Margot for Christmas. I didn’t want to know what they had cost but I loved them; they made my legs look a mile long. I dubbed the look: edgy but innocent farm girl just back from a sexy horseback ride. I’ll never be writing copy for a fashion magazine, I thought. Long story short, I was pleased. I wanted him drooling over me even if I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to see him.
What did I say about feeling mentally healthy?
With all that looking in the mirror, I was running my version of late and walked in just as class began. There were only two empty seats when I scanned the room and one, the one I was then gunning for, got taken by some guy the moment I turned in that direction. The only other seat was the one behind Declan. I swallowed and made my way up the few steps, hoping my cheeks weren’t as red as my shirt.
When I’d stood in the doorway, I was tempted to turn around and run after catching sight of Declan flanked by Paige on one side and her equally charming friend, Cassie, on the other. In front of Declan sat Charlotte and some other girl I didn’t know.
What the hell? Why was he here?
It was one of those smaller classrooms set up with tiered seating. The chairs that were attached to the rounded, classroom-length tables were able to swivel. Those girls? All of their chairs were swiveled so that they were facing Declan. Taking it in for just a split second, it was clear they were in the middle of a full-on drool fest. Charlotte was smiling covetously at him, Paige’s hand was resting on his shoulder, her head thrown back as she laughed at whatever inane remark he’d just made. Cassie, meanwhile, was doodling something in his notebook, giggling.
Their heads snapped up after Declan set his eyes on me. I managed a half-smile as I took the seat behind him. He swiveled around and said, “I was glad to see I wasn’t the only guy in this class. My schedule is tight so I had to pick the same time slot.” Then he mouthed the words, “Is it ok?”
I nodded and gave the look that says, “of course.”
Lie.
I had thought it would be tough sitting next to Declan all semester, but this? This was the worst case scenario. I wasn’t a wuss—not even close—but these chicks brought the mean girl to a whole new level. Watching them as they flirted with Declan all semester would be hell on earth. I honestly didn’t know how I’d manage but now I truly had no choice. The deadline for schedule changes had passed and I was not going to drop a class that I’d have to make up later because of them. I’d just have to deal.
As the professor sorted through some papers and began handing out course outlines, Paige turned to Declan and said, “Oh my God, Declan, that party was absolutely nuts last weekend. My friends from home think that you and your teammates are the like the funnest, craziest guys they’ve ever partied with.”
I smirked when I saw Declan’s cheeks redden. I hoped for Paige’s sake she had meant to say funniest and it had just come out wrong. Funnest, says the college freshman, really? I sat with my sketchbook open and found myself portraying the two of them as cartoon figures, a snarky, devil-eared ogre laughing in the ear of a very guilty-looking, wart-covered toad. The pencil lines were heavy with the force of my anger.
The girl sitting in front with Charlotte obviously hadn’t gotten the memo that I was to be treated with disdain. When she caught my eye she smiled and said, “I love your boots.”
“Oh, thanks,” I said, smiling back as I took in Charlotte’s annoyed expression.
“I’m Avery, by the way.”
“Anna,” I answered. “Nice to meet you.”
Cassie turned and smiled sweetly at me. “I like those boots too, Anna. What kind are they?”
“I’m not even sure,” I answered absently. I was not telling Cassie the designer’s name. First, the thought of any of these girls finding out that my boots cost a couple of thousand dollars—a strong likelihood—would be embarrassing to me. Second, I preferred to avoid interaction with Cassie and all of her brethren in general.
Cassie, to me, was the most lethal of all of them. While Paige and Charlotte were flat out nasty, Cassie was less obvious. A sweet, innocent veneer with a venomous rattlesnake lying in wait to cut you down when she knew no one of import was there to witness.
Cassie helped to organize blood drives and was on the committee for homeless advocacy. People sang her praises; so selfless, so caring. She would recruit the “it” crowd to her causes. I nearly walked out of the last blood drive when I saw them, Cassie draped over Brandon and Charlotte draped over Frank, comforting the boys as they donated. By comforting, I mean they were practically giving them happy-ending rubdowns. If I wasn’t B-negative, one of the more rare blood types, I would have bailed.
It was all bullshit. I’d seen Cassie laugh behind girls’ backs at parties, making rude gestures about their weight or clothes. I’d witnessed her attempts to move in on Brandon, even after Victoria was fully in the picture. Cassie didn’t have me fooled.
I shifted my attention, blocking her out, and listened attentively to determine if attendance was a major factor in our grades. If it wasn’t, I would be taking full advantage by skipping class on a regular basis. Whereas I thought Theology would be an easy A, I’d now gladly take the C.
I gathered up my things slowly after class, attempting to wait until the peanut gallery of gaggling females dispersed. He was standing at the end of the aisle, waiting on me. “Where do you want to eat?”
“You know, I don’t think I can do that today. I have a lot going on.”
I was making my way down the stairs, him trailing, those four girls waiting for him just outside the open classroom doors. “Anna, come on,” he said softly.
“Declan, hurry up,” Cassie practically purred. “You know the lines get crazy long in there and you promised you’d show me a shortcut for that amortization formula.”
Right. The first day of classes and this girl needs a tutor for basic finance? Even I knew that formula. This was laughable. “I’m not coming,” he said to them. “Anna, wait up,” he called after me as I strode away from him.
Still walking, I said, “Declan, I told you I can’t.”
“You mean that you won’t.”
I let out a sigh, turning towards him. “Just go with them, Declan. Your fan club awaits, right? I bet it will be the funnest lunch ever.”
Sometimes I forgot how big he was. He was towering over me now, his lean but massive frame making me
feel as if I was a tiny thing as he leaned into me. My cheeks heated when I noticed his eyes were trained right onto the cleavage that I’d foolishly put on display for him today. “That’s what you really want?” he challenged.
“That. Is. What. I. Want,” I snapped, right back in his face.
“You’re jealous,” he said, a playful smile lifting one corner of his mouth.
“Not.”
“You are and you should be,” he said, matter-of-fact.
I felt color rise to my cheeks again. Damn, I was an open book. “Care to explain?”
“You should be jealous. Those girls want you to think I was at that party, taking part in everything that went down. And they want you to think I’m into other girls, into them.” We were standing outside an empty classroom. Declan took my hand, led me inside and closed the door before continuing. “If someone said that about you, tried to make me think you were acting wild at a party or you were into some other guy, I’d go ape-shit I’d be so jealous.”
“Don’t you see?” I asked, exasperated. “That’s the problem, Declan. After everything that’s happened, I feel furious, angry, jealous, out of control. I don’t want to feel like I’m out of control anymore. Like I’m crazy.”
Declan went to speak but I stopped him. “I should be able to handle those girls. I see how pathetic they are. I know what they’re doing. But I’m not handling it well. I want to cry, beat your chest, slap your face…just for being near a girl like that at a party. I don’t want to feel this, Declan.”
He grabbed my shoulders, firmly, forcing my gaze upward. “You think I didn’t want to choke Owen, that fucking jackass, the other day? You think I didn’t want to bash your friend Jeremy’s face in when I had to watch him walk up the stairs, knowing he’d be with you in your bedroom? While I just had to stand on the stoop, watching like some goddamn chump? I was so fucking mental I nearly crashed on the way home.”
“I don’t think we should be around each other for a while, Declan,” I said, quietly.
He stroked my face with his fingers as he pled, “Please don’t, baby.”
“Declan, I just…” I hesitated because I knew what I was about to say, while true, was going to sting. “I don’t trust you anymore.”
He inhaled deeply and took a step back. After a moment he said, “I haven’t given you much of a reason to lately, Anna. I know that.”
“It’s not just you, Declan, it’s me too.” I should just have kept my mouth shut but while I wanted him, there was a part of me that wanted to push him away too. Leave me safe from feeling all of this. It was too much. So I pushed. “What I said about being out of control, Declan? I…with Jeremy I…”
His face went white. “Declan, I didn’t know you were there at my house until you’d already left. And that day? I was so messed up, so hurt. I wanted someone to take it all away. I begged him to come over.” I couldn’t look at Declan anymore. I stared at the floor as I said, “I begged him to.”
I thought he’d take a step away, run even, but he took a step towards me instead. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. “It’s all right, Anna.”
I pushed back against his chest, angry. “How can you say that? I’m telling you that I begged Jeremy to fuck me. Did you hear me?”
“Did he, Anna?” he asked evenly, jaw clenched.
I turned to face the wall, leaning my forehead against it, ashamed. “No,” I whimpered quietly.
“Is that what you really wanted? Did you want him?” he asked, his body close behind mine, towering over me.
“No,” I said as I let out a breath.
“Good, Anna.”
Jesus, it was always the same. Since the day I’d first met him, hearing him say my name made me feel liquid, languid, like a pool of melted chocolate. And since that night we’d been together, the need my body felt was intense. He wasn’t touching me now but we were so close, I could feel the heat emanating from him. I was aware of my chest rising and falling, my breath coming in shallow pants as he moved in even closer, speaking right into my ear. “Only me, Anna. Please, only me.”
I turned, about to surrender to him, but he had already backed away. He was turning and picking his backpack up off the floor, heading for the door. As he walked out he said, “I’ll give you time, Anna, all the time that you need. But I’m not giving you space.”
He poked his head back in then and said, “And just for the record, I didn’t partake in what was going on at that party and I’m not into anyone else but you.”
I slid down the wall, landing on my ass.
Declan
The last month had been, to quote Charles Dickens, the best of times and the worst of times.
On the ice, I could do no wrong. I frustrated the opposition’s defense and I was scoring consistently. When we came back from Christmas break, it was if I’d earned some type of celebrity status on campus. I’d get smiles and pats on the back from people I didn’t know, my professors seemed to smile at me more than they did my classmates and in general, it seemed like a whole lot of people wanted to get to know me.
My meeting with Coach Monday afternoon went as I expected. The NHL draft was more than a possibility for me this coming June. A first round draft pick was a certainty for me if I wanted it. Did I want it?
I walked to class the next morning thinking about the pros and cons. Hockey had been my life, my joy, for so many years. Playing in the NHL was what it was all supposed to lead up to. Did I feel old enough, was I ready? And, I thought, I’d miss it here. I’d miss her.
Right at that moment, I looked up to see her walking towards me, a big smile on her face. She was happy to see me? I was confused because yesterday she didn’t seem particularly pleased when I showed up outside of her class. When she got closer, though, I noticed that she was smiling to herself and her eyes hadn’t registered me yet. That she was happy about someone or something else, I thought soberly, was more likely.
I’d spent the past month thinking about that night and about the shit that happened the next morning and in the days after. When I’d lie in bed at night, or sit on the bus as we rode hours to away games, or while swimming endless laps in the school rec center’s pool, I’d think back to that night. My dick ached thinking about her, the way she’d looked naked on my bed, her arms above her head, clasped in one of my hands, the taste of her skin, the taste of her. Her sweet moans as I loved her. Being inside of Anna had wrecked me for anyone else, ever.
I stood there outside of class smiling because her smile was infectious, and when she nearly plowed into me I tried to maintain my smile, even when her expression fell and tightened.
What I wouldn’t give to turn back the clock. What I should have done that morning was kiss Anna, tell her to stay in my bed and tell her to wait for me. I should have gone out into the hall, gotten Tess and dealt with her straight. But at the time, I felt like I couldn’t. I had to bring Tess home that day, had to make sure she was safe. And maybe Anna was right. If Tess hadn’t caught me, maybe our breakup would have been a long, protracted misery that spanned several weeks. But it wasn’t like Anna thought. I had no intention of stringing either of them along. I wanted Anna, of that I was one hundred percent sure. And I knew I’d never so much as kiss Tess again after I’d spent that night with Anna.
It had all gone to shit. Certain images on were on replay, a continuous looping reel in my mind. Anna’s expression right before she’d landed that killer slap; hurt and betrayal that morphed into blazing anger. Her blank, lost look as her uncle led her away. Her uncle and Dylan, looking at me as if I was the source of all of Anna’s pain. And watching that guy bound up the stairs to her room. He was the one she wanted to comfort her when it should have been me.
I did what she’d asked. I’d left her alone for the rest of the break. Now she was back, though, and she was going to talk to me, she was going to hear me out.
It seemed like I was taking one step forward most days and then two steps back. That first day i
n class, I’d made her smile, made her laugh, but then wrecked it when I’d gotten too familiar with her too fast.
I knew Anna; she’d make me work for it. And that was ok. I’m not going anywhere, I thought as I sat in class next to her that first day back. And what I’d said to her, that I’d give her time but I wasn’t giving her space? I meant that too. Maybe it wasn’t right on my part, but I didn’t care if she was mad that I’d switched into the same Theology class. Women in Western Religion? I didn’t care what the class was. I wanted to see her, plant my ass in the seat right next to hers, every day.
I wasn’t going anywhere.
Anna
I have to time this better, I thought. I’d gotten to class too early again. I took a seat in the far corner of the room and when Paige and the rest of them came strutting in, they decided to plop right in front of me. Then some bonehead and his friend took the two available right seats next to me. Declan sashayed in a few minutes after class started. This teacher was a stickler for punctuality but of course, she let the school’s resident hockey god off the hook. Instead of a reprimand for being late, Declan got a big, warm smile instead.
Gross.
He looked up to me and frowned when he saw the guy sitting next to me. I could see from the corner of my eye, Paige giving Declan a big smile as he made his way to the seat next to her that she’d thrown her coat over. She’d saved a seat for him, how thoughtful.
Cassie acted as if the teacher wasn’t even mid-lecture when she turned around and said to Declan, all stern and commando-like, “Remember, nine o’clock tonight at Rusty’s. You and Brandon are our ambassadors so we need you there.”
You’re too easy, I felt like telling Declan. So easy to manipulate, sitting there with your cheeks red again. Cat got your tongue, Banks?
I already knew what this was about. Some charity Valentine’s Day Dance that Cassie was soooo busy coordinating, organizing, buzzing like a busy, busy bee about. It actually sounded fun. It was a seventies themed dance at an off-campus bar, Rusty’s, that turned a somewhat blind eye to the drinking age. But of course, this couldn’t be just a regular party, a drink-up like anyone else would put together. No, with Cassie at the helm, there had to be some noble cause that would benefit. There had to be ambassadors. What did that even mean? I guessed it was an excuse to pair themselves up with the boys they wanted to dig their claws into. “You want to come tonight, Anna?” Declan asked, turning around to face me.