by Jessica Roe
But God, this thing with Silver...it isn't getting easier like it's supposed to. The more time I spend around him, in and out of school, the more I like him which just doesn't make sense. I shouldn't like the way he cracks up at his own lame jokes, or how competitive he gets when playing Monopoly, or his dumb impressions of historical figures in class, or the way his face lights up when he's watching some boring history show on TV. And I really, really shouldn't like the way I sometimes glance up at him in class only to find his eyes already on me.
I shouldn't like dancing with him, not this much.
But I do. I like all those things.
I hate how constantly torn I feel around him, and yet I love it at the same time. I'm torn about being torn. Half of me wants to curl up next to him like a kitten and just adore him, and the other half of me, the bad half, just wants to piss him off until his face gets all red and his freckles darken and his eyebrows twitch. The bad side usually wins.
Only minutes pass by before the front door bangs open and Nash lets himself in with a loud, “Yo!” We pause as he stops in the living room doorway and glances between us and Granny Yo. He raises a questioning eyebrow, but ultimately shrugs the scene off like it's no big deal, which to him I guess it isn't. He'd probably feel different if he knew his lifelong best friend had once had his tongue down his little sister's throat and his hands on her boobs. Then there would probably be punching involved. Yes, punching, because it's been a month and Nash still likes me. He's even...protective of me, which is all kinds of weird. And nice. But mostly weird.
He's still living with us at Oliver's—turns out the guys they hired to renovate his place are kind of crap. I'm glad, I like having him around.
“Freaks,” he announces cheerfully, before throwing himself down on Silver's grey sofa and sprawling out in a way that only guys seem to be able to do.
Silver goes to release me but Granny Yo scowls at him. “Don't you dare,” she advises sternly, and so we resume dancing, much to Nash's amusement.
“Keegan, I came to borrow your car for my date while mine's in the shop,” Nash says. “But I see you're busy being a little bitch. I can wait.”
Granny Yo chucks a yarn of wool at my brother. “You're not too old to go over my knee, young man.”
“Promises, promises.”
Both Silver and I gag.
“Hey, Nash. Who's Keegan?” I tease. “This here is Silver.”
“Don't even,” Silver warns, but it was the wrong thing to say because Nash is immediately curious.
He grins hard as I explain, ignoring Silver's attempts to shush me. “Yeah,” he muses. “Yeah, I like it. Silver.”
Silver groans and shakes his head pitifully. “You guys have gotta be kidding me. You're supposed to me on my side, man.”
“Sorry, Silver. What's done is done.” Nash seems to be enjoying this almost as much as me. Ganging up on Silver is fun.
“What happened to bros before hos?”
“Hey, that ho is his sister!” I say. “Sisters before misters.”
He curses under his breath.
LATER, AFTER NASH has taken Silver's car for his date and Granny Yo has fallen asleep in her chair, I somehow find myself laying side by side with Silver on the soft grass in his small back garden. Our arms and legs are brushing, like the blanket of night has taken away his reservations. His touch burns in the most exhilarating way.
“And that zig zag shaped one up there is Cassiopeia,” I tell him, pointing up at the constellation.
“She's from Greek mythology, right?”
“Yuh huh. She was this total vain ho bag married to King Cepheus. She was all, 'Hey, nymph gals, me and my smokin' daughter are way hotter than you'. But those nymph gals were daughters of Nereus, the sea god. So Poseidon, ruling god of the sea, got totally pissed and sent his freaky sea monster, Cetus, after them. Cassiopeia and Cepheus sacrificed their daughter, Andromeda, to save their land. They tied her to this big ass rock so Cetus could get her, but she was rescued by Perseus, who killed Cetus. But Poseidon was still mad at Cassiopeia so he put her up there in the sky and tied her to a chair where she spends half her time hanging upside-down...or something like that.”
Silver chuckles. “You should teach astrology. You'd make it a lot more fun.”
“Shut up.”
“No, I'm being serious. That stuff sounds pretty neat.”
“Neat? Are we in the seventies right now? You're such a nerd.”
“You need a new insult.”
“Why, when that one fits you so perfectly?”
He elbows me gently. “You know a lot about stars, huh?”
I shrug. “I like how they're just there. Not matter what city I moved to, I could find some place quiet and dark and look up at night and they'd be there. My one constant. Oh, hey! See that one there? That's Ursa Minor.”
“Wait, I think I know that one. That's the Little Dipper, right?”
“Or the Little Bear.”
“Huh.” He sounds smug.
“Huh, what?”
“Nothing.” Except he says it in a way that it obviously means something.
“Spill, before I pinch you.”
“I was just thinking, you're kind of a nerd too.”
Laughing, I reach over to punch his chest in mock outrage, but he grabs a hold of my fist to stop me. I go to pull away but he holds on tighter, resting both our hands on top of his t-shirt. I'm not even sure he realizes he's doing it or if it's just an unconscious action, like the fingers gently stroking mine, causing fizzy sparks to shoot through my fingertips and up my arm.
My hand, cupped underneath his, is resting right over his heart. I can feel how fast it's beating—faster than it should be. Kind of like mine whenever Silver is around.
I can't stop myself from rolling my head over to look at him. He's watching the stars, his nose and lips outlined by the darkness behind him.
We're close, closer than I'd realized, and I can hear him breathing and smell his shampoo. I want to run my fingers through the curls in his hair so bad my fingers actually twitch.
Like he can feel my gaze upon him he turns his face towards mine. Our noses touch accidentally, but neither of us try to move away.
I should probably feel embarrassed to be caught staring so unabashedly but I don't...not at all. All I feel right now is him.
He watches me hungrily, his gaze flickering between my eyes and my lips as if he can't get enough. His heart beats even faster underneath my hand.
His nose brushes mine, purposefully this time, Eskimo style. Our breath mingles as my lips part and he swallows heavily.
Silver wants to kiss me; I know it with everything inside of me. And I think he will. I know I should at least try to do the right thing and stop it, but I want it so, so bad. I want him so, so bad. So bad that I haven't even been able to think of hooking up with other guys since I met him, and I love hooking up with guys.
Whatever this is, I'm too weak to stop it.
Luckily for both of us, Silver isn't.
I can tell the exact moment sense takes over lust because he blinks hard and pulls away just before our lips touch. With a loud curse, he rips himself away from me and jumps to his feet. “Oh man. We can't keep getting close like this, Blair! This could've been really bad. Do you know how many lines we just crossed as it is?”
“Yes,” I sigh, sitting up on my knees. My legs feel like jelly and I don't think I can stand just yet.
“Then why are we in this situation?” He sounds like such a teacher right now, and not even in a sexy way.
“You're blaming me?” I finally manage to pull myself to my feet. My hands find their way to my hips as I glare at him.
He stops pacing. “Yes. No! I don't...know. God, no, I'm not blaming you. I'm the adult here, I should be the responsible one. You're just so...you know?”
“No. What am I?”
“Don't mess with me. You're sexy as hell, Blair, and you know it. I shouldn't even be saying that! Damn, I'm screwed up. But everythi
ng about you is just...raw and...sexual.”
I don't even know whether I should be pleased or offended by this. Judging by Silver's tone, it's probably not a compliment. “What does that even mean?”
“Look, you've obviously had a lot of experience seducing guys and you're good at it. Really good at it. But I'm your teacher; we can't keep going around in circles like this.”
A little bubble of laughter escapes me, turning into a full on snort, and Silver glowers at me.
“What's funny?”
“Your warped opinion of me. You think I'm hot and you don't want to so you've turned me into some kind of domineering seductress or something in your head when all I really am is kinda flirty.”
“That's not what I meant-”
“But you should know something,” I interrupt.
He sighs. “What?”
“I'm a virgin.”
“OHMYACTUALGOD, BLAIR, HAVE you seen who it is?” Ibbie hisses to me at work the next night.
I glance up from wiping down a table to see Silver standing with Eli by the doors to Merry Fairburn's. My heart skips a beat.
“Ew!” Ibbie continues without waiting on me to answer. She very rarely waits for a reply. “How super weird is it to see a teacher out of school? Well, maybe not for you with him being your cross the street neighbour and all, but I don't like it. It's weird. I said that already, right? Look at Mr Keegan and Eli gabbing away like they're besticles or something.”
“What the hell is a besticle?”
“You know, like women are besties, but men have testicles so they're besticles.”
I stare at her for a moment. “There are tiny little demon monkey baby hybrids living inside your brain, aren't there?”
“Ooh! How awesome would that be? I'd name them Jules and Ellie.” She has a Cougar Town obsession. “Anyway, I hope he's in your section.”
“Why? I don't want him.” Lie. But I don't want to serve him, that's for sure. After my confession last night I'd hurried away as fast as my little legs could carry me. Partly because I was embarrassed for just blurting my V state out like that, and partly because I knew the whole thing would mess with his head. He'd called after me but I'd ignored him. I'd thought he'd be cool and give me space but he's here right now where I work, obviously just to see me. The jerk. Or...wait, is that sweet?
I'm gonna go with jerk.
With a heavy sigh, I make my way over. Eli hands me a menu and tells me to show Silver to a table.
“Or you could kick him out,” I suggest seriously. Both men frown at me.
“Because he's your teacher or your neighbour?” Eli asks knowingly.
“You are such a blabbermouth.” I glare at Silver.
He shrugs, grinning his stupid, handsome face off. “I knew you wouldn't want me here. Had to warn the guy.”
“See how horrible he is?” I try to get Eli on my side. “Kick him out already!”
“Nah.” Eli grins. “I like him. Besides, it's fun to watch you squirm. You know, you really should respect your teachers, Blair.” Ha. If only he knew.
“Yeah, Blair, you should respect me.”
I want to punch Silver so bad. I also want to know what the hell he said to get Eli eating out of the palm of his hand. I might respect him if I didn't hate him so much.
“I highly despise you both.”
If Eli is surprised to see me talking to a teacher this way, he doesn't let it show. He's used to my attitude by now. He pokes a beefy finger at the menu in my hands. “Show him to a table. And make sure it's in your section.”
I do it, but I grumble the whole way.
“We should talk,” Silver says quietly as he follows behind me.
“Or not.” I practically force him into his seat and throw the menu at his face. He laughs at me.
“You're cute when you're mad. I bet you-” He freezes and I follow his gaze to where Ibbie is flirting with a customer on the other side of the room. He practically begins to hyperventilate.
I tut at his drama. “Would you chill already, she doesn't know anything.”
“You didn't tell me she worked here!”
“Why would I? It's not like I thought you were gonna be a giant dumb ass and come down here.”
“Do you think I should leave?”
“Yeah, 'cause that wouldn't look at all suspicious. Just try not to maul me across the table and you'll be fine. Order fries and a shake, eat it, leave. Easy peasy, peanut.”
“But I don't want fries and a shake.”
“Don't be such a little bitch.”
I walk away as he splutters in indignation. When I deliver the food fifteen minutes later (because I decided to take my own sweet time), he says, “Will you at least meet me when you get off work so we can talk?”
Because I'm stupid and unable to say no to him, I sigh and agree.
IT'S A NICE evening so neither of us had brought our cars. Silver tries to insist that we walk straight on home but I'm hungry so he reluctantly takes me to a little, out of the way bar that serves the juiciest, greasiest, most delicious burgers I've ever eaten. I spend the first ten minutes stuffing my mouth so that I have an excuse not to talk. Silver finally drags my plate away before I start licking it.
The bar is one of those dark, grungy kind of places where the air is always smoky and hazy. On one side of the room people play pool and nurse their beers, on the other side couples dance lazily to the low, sexy beat of the music. Small booths sit in between for people like us who just want to eat. I like it here, though I'm surprised Silver does. It doesn't really seem like his kind of place.
“Can we talk now?” he asks, watching me from across the booth.
I lick burger grease off my fingers. “Not until you buy me a beer.”
“Will you stop that!” He slaps my fingers down. “It makes me think bad things. And for the last time, I'm not buying you beer.”
“You suck.”
“Well, you...” Shaking his head, he sighs. “Yeah, we're not doing this again. I just wanted to talk about last night.”
“Do we have to?”
“I'm sorry, okay? I was a real jerk.”
“Again.”
“Again,” he agrees, biting his lip. I wish he wouldn't do that, it makes me feel like a hormonal teenage boy discovering porn for the first time. “I seem to be making a habit of it with you.”
“If you were really sorry you'd buy me apology pie.”
“I bought you apology burger!”
“Not the same thing!”
“It's all you're getting.”
“You suck.”
“You said that already.” He leans back, trying to act casual but failing epically. “So...are you really a virgin?”
Wow, way to ease himself into it. “It'd be a pretty weird thing to lie about.”
“It's just unexpected. You don't seem very...”
“Virginal?”
“This conversation isn't going to end well for me, is it?”
“Probably not.” I continue when he waits for more. “It's not like I haven't done stuff. I've played around third base plenty. I mean, you and I almost got to second.” He blushes and I take pity on him. “Being a virgin is my choice. It's always been the one thing in my life that's mine, and mine to control. My mom gave sex away or traded it for drugs like it meant nothing at all and I always just thought that it shouldn't be that way. I mean, all that other stuff, oral and whatever, that's fine, but sex is something you should share with someone you care about. You know? Or does that sound totally stupid and not make sense at all?” Now it's my turn to blush. I've never told anyone this stuff before.
Silver is watching me across the table like it's the first time he's really seen me, and it's intense on a whole other level. There's a fire of desire in his eyes and he isn't even trying to hide it. “No, that makes perfect sense.” A new song comes on in the background and he leans forward. The music is slow, sexy, and I can feel the throbbing beat vibrate right through my body. “Dance
with me?”
I swallow hard as his warm fingers entwine with mine. I should say no—one of us should say no—but as usual we both get caught up in the spell of each other. The music hypnotises us, I can't look away from his eyes. We start to stand when a male voice calls out.
“Keegan, buddy!”
Silver drops my hand and thumps back into his seat, his eyes wide. For a moment I think Nash has seen us and my heart thuds painfully, but the blond guy with the friendly smile who slides in next to Silver is clearly not my brother. I calm down, but Silver doesn't.
Blond Guy waggles his eyebrows suggestively as he glances between us. “Well, hey there. Interrupting something?” He seems like he wouldn't care even if he was.
Silver's cheeks are pink again. “Nathan, hey.” He looks over at me. “Nathan is a friend of mine and Nash's. Known him since high school.” He pulls a discreet face and I get the message. Best behaviour all around.
Nathan reaches across to shake my hand. “Well, damn! What the hell are you doing with Keegan? You're way too pretty. Definitely a step up from his usual boring type.”
“This isn't a date,” Silver tells him quickly.
“No?”
“No, man. We're just...talking.”
“Right. Talking.” Nathan doesn't sound like he believes him. He shouldn't; Silver is a terrible liar.
“But...you probably shouldn't mention to Nash that you saw us here. Together.”
“Why not? Wait just a second!” Nathan slaps his hand down on the table and laughs. “Don't tell me you poached this girl off of the great Nash Peeters, chick magnet extraordinaire.”
“Shut up, dude. This is Nash's little sister.”
Nathan scrunches up his face adorably in confusion. He's a handsome guy—not as handsome as Silver or Nash, but definitely attractive. “Not Jemma? Whoa, hold up! Is this Blair? Ho-ly crap. No wonder Nash wouldn't let me meet you, you are fine.” I grin at the compliment, but Silver is glaring at Nathan like he wants to do some serious damage. That pleases me way too much. Nathan's smile fades as he glances between the two of us. “But aren't you still in school? Jesus, Keegan, is she your student?”
Silver drops his face into his hands and groans.