by Jessica Roe
“Maybe,” I reply with a smile, but I know I won't go. Kip, Sadie, Rafe, Ibbie and I are planning on raiding the drama department again and going out to celebrate Ibbie and Kip's very friendly break up after Ibbie realized all on her own that she deserved better than someone who just wasn't sure about her. I wouldn't bail on those guys for all the popular kid ragers in the world. But then, I probably wouldn't bail on detention for them either. I'll never be that girl.
Before I can say anything else I'm distracted by the buzzing of my cell phone.
The text is from from Silver. It's simple, yet it makes my heart lurch.
I need you
Screw closure.
Ignoring Jemma's questioning stare as I pack up my things, I practically sprint from the classroom, ignoring the sub when she calls after me.
My heart pounds furiously in my chest as I drive home, dreading what I'm going to find.
Terrible thoughts run through my mind. Did someone find out about us? Nash? My father? Someone from school? Oh God.
It takes me half the usual time to get to our street. I park Nancy haphazardly half on and half off the curb in my rush.
Silver is waiting for me, sitting on his porch steps with his head and shoulders drooped. He doesn't glance up until I'm standing right in front of him. The look on his face, stricken and pale and just wrong, breaks my heart into a thousand pieces.
This is bad. Why isn't Granny Yo out here consoling him, making him drink her fruit tea and scolding him for being so dramatic? She would never leave Silver to grieve like this...
Oh no.
“What happened?” I ask, my voice breathless even though I haven't been running. “Silver, what's wrong? Is it Granny Yo? Is she sick?”
His face contorts with pain when he hears my nickname for her. He still seems incapable of speech and I'm getting desperate and panicked, so I go to run by him to look for her inside the house.
Silver grasps my hand to stop me, a tear rolling down his cheek. “Grams is dead, Blair.”
I thought I'd known pain before. I thought I'd known grief.
I was wrong.
An involuntary gasp escapes me as I drop down next to him, barely feeling my knees bash against the hard, wooden steps. “No,” I cry, my voice barely loud enough to hear.
Silver grips my shoulders, more tears spilling. “She had a heart attack in her sleep. The doctor said it was probably peaceful and painless.”
I let out a heartbroken sob and press my forehead against his. I should be staying strong for Silver, but I'm failing epically. How can Granny Yo be dead? We had plans today. She was going to teach me how to make apple pie from scratch. How can she be dead?
“My family are still at the hospital. I know I should be there with them,” he chokes out. “but you're the only person I wanted to... I just needed to... I just needed you. I needed to hold you. I needed to feel your arms around me. I needed to smell you. Is that okay?”
I slide my arms around his shoulders and he buries his face in my neck as he shakes. “I'm here,” I promise him tearfully. “I'm not going anywhere, I swear.”
He grips my waist tightly, lifting his head and pressing his cheek against mine so our tears mingle. I pull back and kiss his forehead, his eyes, his chin. I kiss the tears from his cheeks and he once again rests his face in the curve of my neck, rhythmically stroking my hair like it's the only thing keeping him sane.
And that's how we stay. Together, just like that, in our grief. We stay that way when Nash arrives, red eyed, sitting on the other side of Silver and clamping a hand on his shoulder. We stay that way when my family arrive. We stay that way when his family arrive. We stay that way when neighbours call around to offer condolences. We stay that way when night falls and the moon rises and the rest of the world continues on even though it should have stopped, at least for a while.
That's how we stay.
“GRANNY YO—YOLANDA,” I correct, because not everyone will understand the nickname. “—was the first person who ever accepted me for just me, faults an all.” My voice shakes; I take a deep breath to steady myself as I look out over the sea of black. This is only the second funeral I've ever been to, but the differences between this one and my mom's are vast. Back then it was just me, Fen and the priest alone in a run down graveyard. It was lonely, morbid. Today the church is so overflowing with friends and family and people who simply adored and cherished Granny Yo that many of them have to stand. “Because that's just the kind of person she was; she had a lot of love to give everyone, even if they maybe didn't deserve it.”
Standing to my right, offering me comfort even though we're at her own mother's funeral, Silver's mom, Paget, squeezes my hand encouragingly.
Silver definitely takes after his mom appearance wise; they have the same dark hair, the same sea green and blue eyes, the same face shape. But when it comes to personality they're nothing alike—he wasn't kidding when he called her a hippie.
I was surprised when she asked me to say a few words at the funeral, but she explained that Granny Yo had spoken about me over the phone so often she felt she knew me herself. She told me that Granny Yo had loved me just like a granddaughter, which had brought on a seriously embarrassing display of tears.
“She taught me a lot of things,” I continue. “Regular things like cooking and dancing, sure, but more importantly she taught me about love and life and happiness. I'll always be thankful for that, and I'll never forget her.” I clear my throat, fighting to hold my tears back, just for one more minute. “I'm sorry I don't have more to say, I'm not really good with words. I just...miss her a lot. But I know she's up there in heaven right now with her husband, fruit tea in one hand and forgotten knitting needles in the other, and she's looking down at us and rolling her eyes at our tears.” Soft laughter echoes throughout the large room. “She'd want us to remember her with joy, not with sadness.”
When I finish, Paget pulls me into a warm hug. The smell of spice and lavender oil surrounds me, nothing like Granny Yo's floral perfume, but comforting nonetheless. “That was beautiful,” she whispers in my ear, pulling away to dab her eyes with a tissue. “Mom would have thought so too.”
I make my way back to my seat next to Oli. He puts an arm around my shoulders and kisses my head proudly.
Then I let my tears fall.
A FEW DAYS after the funeral I run over to Silver's place when school lets out. We've barely had a chance to speak since the day he told me about Granny Yo's death, and though I know he's back in school tomorrow, I want to see how he's doing. I want to see him.
His family are still staying with him, that much is evident by all the cars parked out front, and it's because of this that I ring the bell instead of letting myself in like I'd become accustomed to doing.
Paget answers the door, stressed out, but pleased to see me. “Come on in, honey.” She ushers me through to the living room. Since she's been here, she's treated me like I'm one of the family.
The place is crazy. On the far side of the room, Silver's aunt and uncle and their annoying daughter are arguing with Silver's brother and sister about something. I finally find Silver slumped down on his sofa, the heels of his hands pressed against his forehead like he's going out of his mind—I don't blame him. His family—Paget and her husband excluded—are kind of a-holes.
I sit next to him and he glances up in surprise, his whole demeanour brightening when he realizes it's me. I glance at his bickering relatives. “What-”
“Don't ask,” he advises me.
After a couple of minutes I get the sickening gist of the argument anyway. Silver's aunt, as Granny Yo's eldest daughter, is beyond pissed that the house was left to Silver and not to her. She wants him to sign it over as, in her own words, it's only fair. How could a woman this annoying come from someone as great as Granny Yo.
Silver's brother and sister aren't much more tolerable. Silver is so sweet and good natured and awesome, and I guess I just assumed they'd be like that too. But they're b
oth big shots in the city and they sure as hell know it. They've looked down their noses at me every time they've seen me and insulted Silver's teaching job at least three times. At the wake I even heard Silver's brother tell him that being happy with his job isn't enough, that he needs to aim higher. Money is everything, he'd said, and I'd kind of wanted to knee him in his danglies. I remember the first time Silver and I met, how he took the higher road instead of calling me out on stealing his parking space. Now I know where he learned his patience from, because he ignored every word they said.
Annoying sibling 1 and 2 are arguing that Silver should sell the house, that he should split the proceeds and give everyone a chunk of the cash. That they're so eager to get rid of the house that they pretty much grew up in tears at my heart.
Silver's mom and dad are fighting too, but they've totally got his back. They're pointing out that Silver was the only one who was happy to give up his life to come home and take care of Granny Yo when she needed someone, and of course she should have left the house to him. Yeah, those guys are the only other people in this family that I like.
Silver sits through the yelling and arm waving and dramatics in blank silence.
Eventually I get tired of the arguing. Granny Yo would have been ashamed. I stand, tugging on Silver's hand to I lead him from the room. He puts up no fight, looking relieved, and no one even notices us go.
We head out to his back garden and lay down side by side. Unlike the other times we came out here, clouds drift lazily across the bright blue sky instead of stars twinkling against the backdrop of night. Silver's pinky finger links with mine, and we fall into comfortable silence for the rest of the afternoon.
IT'S A FORTNIGHT before his family finally make peace and leave, and then after that I barely see Silver outside of class because he's away a lot. I don't know what he's doing but I don't ask because I figure if he wanted me to know then I already would.
Almost three weeks after the funeral I get to history class to find Silver once again missing, replaced by the same sub that taught us while he was dealing with the death and the funeral arrangements. She glares at me when I enter, still unforgiving about running out on her that day.
“Blair,” Jemma hisses when I sit down. “Did you know Keegan—I mean, Mr Keegan,” she corrects herself when she remembers we're in school. “—quit his job here?”
My head jerks in her direction. “What?”
“Everyone's talking about it. They're all pissed because he's leaving before the school year is out, but I guess they feel sorry for him with Yolanda dying and all. Did he say anything to you about it?”
No, he didn't. He didn't say anything to me at all. “No,” I reply, my voice as hollow as I feel inside. “What are you asking me for, anyway?”
She shrugs. “I don't know. I guess because you were there for him after Yolanda passed away so I thought he might have told you. Or I thought Nash might've.”
“Nash knows?”
“Well duh. They are best friends. I called Nash right before class and he said he's known Keegan was leaving for a week but he asked him not to say anything. Weird, right?”
“Wait, when you say leaving...”
She looks sad, but also excited at the prospect of good gossip. “Like, leaving leaving. He's moving away. Can you believe he didn't tell us? I mean, our family have only known him forever...”
I stop listening as the clawed hand of fear scratches its way to the top of my chest and grips a hold of my heart.
At the head of the room, the sub is explaining that she'll be taking over the class for the rest of the year. Running out on her again would probably be a bad idea so I wait until class is over before cutting school. Nancy and I break at least four laws as we race back home.
Silver's Jeep is outside his house so I let myself in without knocking. My head spins when I see moving boxes...everywhere.
He's really leaving. Leaving me. And he was going to do it without even saying goodbye.
I hear noises in the living room so I navigate around the boxes to find Silver, packing his things. He looks up, only mildly surprised to see me, and then he has the gall to smile like he hasn't just ripped out my heart and stomped all over it.
“Hey.” I hate that he greets me so cheerfully. “When I heard someone come in I just assumed it was Nash. Shouldn't you be in school?”
“You're leaving.”
He must hear the tremor in my voice because he quickly finishes with the box he was sealing and drops the tape, taking a single step towards me. “I guess I should explain, huh?”
I don't know why this is coming as such a shock. Silver never wanted to teach here, I already knew that. He'd told me all about his dreams of teaching in the city, maybe in one of the underfunded schools where he might be able to make a difference for the underprivileged kids. That's what he'd been all set to do before he came back here to take care of Granny Yo; of course he'd want to leave now that she's gone, I should have expected it. But I didn't, and it really, really hurts. “When?”
“Kind of...today, actually.”
“What?” I gasp.
“I wasn't going to leave without seeing you, I swear,” he adds hastily. “I was going to call you and get you to meet me once I'd finished packing. Nash is putting most of these boxes into storage for me tomorrow.”
“Where are you... Are you moving far?”
His eyes flicker down and he scratches his head guiltily. “Cleveland.”
“Cleveland, Ohio?”
“Yeah, that's the one.”
“But that's so far...” I hate how small and meek my voice is.
“Almost an eight hour drive.” A wry smile. “I checked.”
Barely able to breathe, I turn around so he can't see me freaking out.
“Grams left me the house,” he explains. “which you already knew. Hard not to with my ever loving family fighting over it like dogs over a bone. They all want me to sell—mom and dad excluded—but I just can't bring myself to. At least not yet, anyway. So I'm renting the place out for now. Nash is dealing with that for me too—he's been awesome.”
I shake my head and turn back to face him. “This is just such a surprise. I don't...Why are you leaving?”
He takes another step forward. “Because of you.”
Well that was a kick to the gut. Unwanted tears fill my eyes as I stumble back.
Seeing my reaction, Silver's eyes widen. In less than a heartbeat he strides across the room and cups my face with his hands. “Oh no, Blair! Baby, that's not what I meant at all. Man, I always say dumb crap when it comes to you; it's like being in your space causes my brain to short circuit or something.” The pads of his thumbs brush my cheeks, catching my tears. “Listen to me. I've got a job lined up in Cleveland—and yes, the distance was intentional—but it's just temporary. The regular teacher is on maternity leave and the other replacement fell through last minute so they need me right away, that's why this is all happening so fast. And then when I finish there, what I do and where I go after that, well...that all depends on you.”
“I...wait, what?” Confusion fills me, leaving me numb.
He grips my face harder to make sure I'm looking into his eyes and takes a deep, resolved breath. “I love you, Blair. I'm in love with you. Madly, deeply, out of my freakin' mind. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, ever. Meeting you that day in the diner was the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“But...I thought you regretted that?”
“I lied.”
“Oh...” For the first time, probably in my life, I'm truly lost for words. What am I supposed to say when the man I'm completely besotted with suddenly starts telling me everything I could ever possibly hope to hear? It's like a dream—except usually when I dream about Silver we're both naked and doing unspeakable things to one another. I don't know how I'm even standing right now; my legs feel boneless.
He laughs softly at me. “I mean, you're damn crazy and incredibly annoying and we spend mos
t of our time fighting, but I love all of that. I love every frustrating inch of you.” When I open my mouth to tell him I love him too, he places both of his thumbs over my lips to stop me. “But the thing is, ever since I met you I've done wrong by you, whether it was judging you or acting like an ass or kissing you when I had no right to. But I just couldn't stop myself from falling for you. If I could've, I'd have quit my job at the school months ago when I first knew I'd never be able to stay away from you, but I had Grams to take care of and I couldn't let her down.”
“When?” I can't help but ask, tasting the salty skin of his thumbs on my lips.
“Huh?”
“When did you know?” I clarify.
“Oh.” He smiles sweetly down at me, lacing his fingers through my hair. “You remember the night of your birthday? After I gave you the jar and we sat in the car for almost two hours and just talked about anything that came into our heads?” I nod. How could I forget? That night was perfect. “It was so late by the time I drove you home and you fell asleep. You were only out for about fifteen minutes, but I was only driving for five of them before we got back to our street. I spent the next ten minutes watching you as you slept before I woke you up to go inside. A bit stalkerish, I know.” We both laugh, but he quickly turns serious. “When I watched you I just...loved you. That's when I knew.”
Oh my. I'm crying again, but this time they're tears of joy. I always thought people who cried when they were happy were idiots, but this is real. I guess I'm an idiot. Or not, because I fell in love with Silver and that was definitely a smart move. “She knew too, didn't she?”
He doesn't even need to ask who I'm talking about. “Yeah, she knew. We didn't talk about it, but Grams knew. Honestly, I think she always intended for us to find our way to each other in the end, when you'd graduated and I was no longer your teacher and there were no more obstacles in our way. She knew you were right for me even before I did.”