“Sorry?” Now he sounded even more sad. “What for?”
“For disappointing you, I guess.”
“Dylan. You have never, for one second, disappointed me. Ever.” He didn’t sound disappointed, or angry. He sounded tired and a little hurt. “If I ever made you feel that way, then I’m sorry.” He paused. “It’s my fault.”
“Dad.” I rolled my eyes. “It’s no one’s fault that I’m gay.”
“That’s not what I mean, son.” He reached through the window and squeezed my shoulder. “I meant it’s my fault if you felt like you couldn’t talk to me about it. The only thing I want in this world is for you to be happy. I want you to know that I love you unconditionally. Please don’t ever doubt that.”
“I don’t, Dad. I just….” I trailed off. I had no idea where I was going with that sentence, so I trailed off.
He waited a minute before he started talking again. “So, this Tommy Peterson. You like him?”
I nodded. “Yeah. A lot.”
My dad leaned forward. “Do you know why I fell in love with your mother?”
“Because she was pretty?”
“Well,” he said, laughing, “sure. That was part of it.” He was still smiling. I hadn’t seen him really smile in a long time. It was nice. “Your mother made me feel like I was the most special person in the world. When she smiled at me, I felt like as long as she was standing next to me, I could conquer the whole world. She always looked at me like I was the smartest, best-looking, nicest guy in the world and she made me actually believe it.” He paused and looked at me. “How does Tommy make you feel?”
I smiled at my dad, and realized I hadn’t smiled at my dad in a long time. “He makes me feel like I can do anything and even if I fail, it’s still okay. Like I’m not clumsy or stupid or anything bad. He believes in me.”
“Then he sounds to me like someone we should both get to know better.” He paused for a second. “I know I haven’t been the best father, and I know it’s been difficult since your mother died.” I opened my mouth to protest, but he held up his hand so I didn’t say anything. “I promise to be a better dad.”
“Only if I can promise to be a better son.”
We looked at each other. I think we were both about to say something when the doorbell rang startling both of us.
“You expecting someone?” My dad looked at me and stood up.
“Nope. The guys are all at Riley’s.”
Dad went downstairs and I moved back until I was lying down, looking up at the sky. It was a clear night, and I could see about a million stars. There was a knock on my door, and I heard my dad’s voice.
“Dylan? Tommy’s here to see you.”
I sat up. “What?” and before I could even turn around, I heard his voice.
“Hi. I can’t stay very long.”
“That’s cool. Thanks for coming over. Give me a sec.” I stood up and started to climb back in the window.
“No, that’s okay.” He came to the window. “I’ll come out.” He laughed quietly. “Come out.”
My dad stood in the middle of the room. “I’ll leave you two alone.” He hesitated for a second. “I’m going to leave the door open, though. Sorry. It’s not that I don’t trust either of you.”
“It’s okay, Mr. Porter,” Tommy said. “I can’t stay very long.”
My dad reached out and put a hand on Tommy’s shoulder, speaking fast before he walked out of my room. “I hope you’ll come to dinner soon, so we can get acquainted.”
Tommy slipped out the window and sat down next to me. Our knees bumped into each other and we both jerked back. We didn’t look at each other, even though we were so close.
“I’m really sorry. I meant to ask you, well, tell you all that stuff in private. It just kind of came out when I saw your dad yelling—”
He cut me off. “It’s okay, Dylan.” He shrugged. His little shoulders moved up and down. I could see it out of the corner of my eye. “I mean, it’s not going to make school easier, but, you know.”
“I’ll watch out for you. The whole team will. You let anyone know and we’ll…. They’re good guys. Riley really wants to get to know you.” I couldn’t stop myself from asking, figuring it didn’t matter at this point. “Tommy. Are you like me? I mean, are you gay?”
He didn’t say anything for a while. He looked at the stars, and I looked at him, at his profile, and I was so mad at myself for making him feel sad. “I think so. I mean, I haven’t practiced.”
“Practiced?” I couldn’t stop my smile. That was such a Tommy thing to say.
“Isn’t that what they used to say? ‘Practicing homosexual’ I mean.” He almost smiled, and it made my heart break that I was such an idiot for not thinking before I said anything. At a football game. In front of everyone. Idiot.
“I meant what I said, Tommy. Every word of it.”
“I hate this town.” Tommy turned to look at me, and we stared at each other. “I can’t wait to leave. I’m never coming back. My dad’s a jerk and my mom doesn’t even care and the whole school looks at me like I’m a freak anyway. I hate this place.” Our knees bumped again, but this time neither of us pulled away. “But the fact that you said you wanted to kiss me makes it better. Some of it anyway.”
“Do you…?” I hesitated, trying really hard to choose my words carefully. “Do you want to go on a date next weekend?”
“My dad probably won’t let me out of the house next weekend. Or ever again until college. I have ACTs coming up on Saturday. He said my scores could have been better. Plus, you hit him with a football.”
“It was mostly an accident. Maybe we can figure something out. I’ll figure something out.”
“Maybe next time, you don’t out someone until they’re ready. And my dad was angrier at me than you, so don’t worry too much about it.”
Idiot. Me. Big, fat, stupid idiot. “I’m sorry.” Idiot. “You’re right. I just—”
“I know why you did it, Dylan. And I don’t really regret that it’s out there. And I’m certainly not going to lie and tell you that I haven’t looked at you and wanted you to feel the same way about me.”
I could see him shiver, so I pulled off my sweatshirt and put it carefully over his shoulders. I lay down on the roof again, looking up at the stars. I had one arm behind my head and the other one was tossed out beside me. Tommy’s back tensed up and then relaxed and he lay back, right next to me, his head on my arm. I wanted to roll over and hug him, and cuddle him and make out for, like an hour. But we stayed exactly like we were. It was nice. I didn’t realize I was flexing and tensing the arm he was leaning on until his head turned and looked at me. “Sorry. I’m stupid. I think I was trying to show you I’m strong enough to protect you. I’ll take care of you.”
“You don’t need to take care of me. And you’re not stupid.”
“Huh,” I replied. “Thanks for believing in me.”
Five minutes later, he had to go and sneak back into his house. He sneaked out of his house. Just to see me. I bet I had a smile on my face the whole time I was sleeping.
HOW I LEARNED ABOUT BATMAN
SUNDAY MORNING I slept late and then drove down to the track at the school to run. I hit my stride and did five miles, letting my body get used to the rhythm before I began to let my mind drift. Okay, so in the last twenty-four hours, I’d come out to my dad, the entire school, plus at least one other school. I’d outed Tommy, hit his dad with a football, and I still had two acts of Romeo and Juliet left to read. I wondered what went on between Tommy and his dad. It was pretty clear his dad was as much of a jerk as Tommy said. I’d probably made it worse. But, on the plus side Tommy said he thought about me. He thought about me the way I thought about him. I pushed myself harder. I had to be stronger and faster. I wasn’t going to let Tommy get picked on. And I didn’t want us to lose any games the rest of the season. I wanted Tommy to be proud of his boyfriend. Is that what we were? Boyfriends? We technically hadn’t even gone out on a date,
so I wasn’t sure on that one. I’d google it when I got home.
I finished up my five miles and went into my slow jog cool-down. I could almost feel someone staring at me. I looked up toward the bleachers and saw Tommy’s friend Allie standing there, arms crossed, staring at me. I jogged up to her.
“Hey, Allie. What’s up?”
“What’s up? Are you that stupid?”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that. “I’m guessing you think I am.”
“You really are an idiot.”
“Apparently, because you said it twice.”
“Technically, once I called you stupid and once I called you an idiot.”
“There’s a difference?”
“You outed Tommy.” She crossed her arms and looked at me. She was staring down at me from the bleachers, standing almost exactly where Tommy and his dad were yesterday. She was kind of scary, actually.
I wouldn’t show her how much she scared me. “Technically,” I replied, and I wasn’t really nice about it. “I outed myself. I only said I liked Tommy.”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, tell yourself that.”
“Okay, tell me what the problem is.” I pulled myself onto the bleachers so she wasn’t standing two feet above me. “I’ve got to get back home.”
She sighed, like she was my dad telling me there was no Santa. “You’re not good for Tommy.”
“I’m what?” Okay, now I was getting kind of pissed. I knew she was dating Jonny and I actually really liked her, but, c’mon.
“He’s going to go to school far away, and he’s going to get out of this town.” She sighed again and sat down, not like she was mad at me anymore. It was like my dad last night. More tired than anything else. Why did I make everyone around me tired? “If he ends up falling for you as hard as I think he’s going to, and you end up going to a local college he’s going to want to stay. He needs to get out of here.”
I sat down next to her. I kind of wanted to put my arm on her shoulder, but I didn’t. I folded my hands together in my own lap. “Allie, I really need to know something. Does Tommy’s dad hit him?”
“No!” She looked freaked out. “No. But he’s a jerk. He pushes Tommy so hard, even though Tommy’s grades are amazing. His dad is a major league dick. He actually grounded Tommy because of the whole valedictorian thing.” She smiled at me. “Tommy got a B-plus in calculus last year, but Rick got an A. Unless Rick tanks a class with a B or B-minus, Tommy won’t be valedictorian this year, and his dad knows it.”
I looked at her. “Getting a B is tanking a class?”
She laughed like I was making a joke, but I wasn’t. “I like you, Dylan. And in a lot of ways, I think you’d be the best thing to happen to Tommy.” She laughed. “How often does the gay kid get to date the football captain?”
“Co-captain.” Now I felt more like a jerk than ever. What if I screwed up Tommy’s chance to get out of here? Just because I liked the town doesn’t mean that he had to. “I wouldn’t ever ask him to stay here. He told me that he wants to go away, and I want him to do what makes him happy.” I stared at her to make sure she knew I was serious. “You know I’d never do anything to hurt Tommy, right? I’d never hold him back.”
“I know.” She reached out and put her hand on top of mine. “And I know you wouldn’t ever ask him.” She left her hand there for a second and then pulled it back. “I didn’t mean to call you stupid.”
“And an idiot. You also called me an idiot.”
“That too.” She smiled. “There is a difference, by the way. You should look it up. It might be on a vocabulary test.”
“Ugh. Don’t remind me. I have so much studying to do today. Quiz tomorrow.”
“It’s not going to be that hard. It’s only vocabulary, right?”
“Plus a trig test on Thursday. We’re not all geniuses, Allie.” I smiled at her and stood up. “Some of us don’t have our pick of schools.”
Allie totally rolled her eyes. “Great. Now I have to feel bad for you.”
MONDAY MORNING my dad kept asking if I was good, and he let me know if I wanted to skip school for a few days, he’d be cool with it. I figured if something was going to happen, then I might as well get it over with. Besides, I promised Tommy I’d take care of him, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to break my promise to him.
I made sure I got to school in plenty of time to watch for Tommy in the school parking lot. By the time I parked, Chad and Steven were already there and splitting some kind of breakfast burrito.
“Dude!” Chad had just taken a big bite of food and waved.
Steven hit him hard on the shoulder. “Seriously, man. When you talk with your mouth full, it’s embarrassing. You’re just embarrassing.”
I jogged across the parking lot. “How was Riley’s?”
“You should’ve come, Dyl. Next time bring Tommy. We want to get to know the guy.”
I heard footsteps come across the parking lot and Steven waved. “S’up, dudes? You guys all know Dylan, right?”
One of them kind of smirked at me. “We’ve heard so much about you, I feel like we already know each other.”
I smiled at them. “Hey, guys. You’re Rick, right?”
“No,” Chad said, shoving the last of his breakfast into his mouth. “That’s Rick. That’s Robert and that’s Mouse.” He pointed to each one.
“Chad,” Rick said. “You’re talking with your mouth full again.”
“Damn,” Chad replied. “Really? Dude, I didn’t even realize it. I’m sorry. Thank God, I have you to keep me in line. On line? In line?”
Steven looked at him. “Seriously? That’s what it takes? I’ve been telling you for, like, ever to not talk with your mouth full of food. And it’s in line.”
“Well, stop hitting me and I might pay more attention.”
Allie and Jonny came up to us, right as Chad had shoved the last bit of his food into his mouth. He put his hand over his mouth when he and Rick kept talking.
I smiled at Allie. “I didn’t get the chance last night to look up stupid and idiot.”
She drank her coffee. “Don’t worry. I’ll tell you. Eventually.”
Jonny looked down at her. “There’s a difference?”
“Yes.” She smiled up at him. “Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure you’re not either. Not positive, but pretty sure.”
“You’re so nice to me.” Jonny leaned down and kissed her quickly on the cheek.
“I am.”
I leaned in to Allie. “Is Tommy coming today?”
“Yes, of course. He’d have to be dead before his dad let him skip school.”
Riley jogged up to us. “Hey, guys!” He clapped me on the back. “How’d it go?”
“How did what go?” I was looking over his shoulder toward the drop-off space.
“I thought you didn’t come over after the game because you and Tommy went out. Maybe back to your place and made out a little. Or a lot. Made out a lot.” Riley waved to Rick, Robert, and Mouse, then looked up at me, and his eyes got really wide as he looked over my shoulder.
Someone tapped me on the back, and I turned around to see Hannah standing there.
“Hey,” she said, quietly.
“Hey,” I replied. “How are you?”
“I’m good. Good game.”
I shrugged. “Thanks.”
“You know, you could have told me.” She was looking me right in the eye, and I looked away, embarrassed.
“I know. I’m sorry. I guess I should have said something.”
“It’s okay. I mean, I get why you didn’t.” She hesitated. “I’m just saying you could have.” She leaned in and whispered. “My brother’s gay, you know.”
“Harrison? Harrison’s gay?” I pictured her freshman brother feeling brave enough to come out at fourteen years old and wondered why he was so much more together than I was at that age.
“No. Hunter.” She smiled at me. “He came out before he went to college a couple of years ago.” Hannah’s brot
hers and sisters all had names that started with H. It was a family thing. “Anyway,” she said, kissing me lightly on the cheek. “Congratulations on coming out. I’m proud of you. If you need anything, let me know. Even if it’s just to talk.”
“Thanks, Hannah. I—” I cut myself off. “Hold on. Tommy’s dad just drove up.” I practically ran up to the car as Tommy was climbing out. I thought about this all yesterday, after Allie called me out and figured I really didn’t have too much to lose. I knocked on the window of the driver’s side. Tommy’s dad looked up and frowned. He took his time rolling the window down, and I looked up for one second, seeing a look in Tommy’s eyes that I could only describe as “WTF.”
“Yes?” Mr. Peterson’s voice was really cold.
“I just wanted to apologize, sir, for the other day. It really was an accident.” Okay that was a lie, but no one needed to know. “I hope you’re okay.”
“I’m fine.” He looked at me like I was an idiot. Or stupid. Damn. Now I really had to look up what the difference was. “I appreciate your apology.”
He started to roll up the window and I knocked again before it even got halfway closed. “Um, sir. I also wanted to ask if Tommy could come over for dinner this weekend? My dad really wants to meet him, and I can pick him up and drive him home, so you wouldn’t be—” Crap. What was the word? “—um, inconvenienced. And you can call my dad, if you want to make sure that he’ll be there. And it wouldn’t be a late night, and I know Tommy said he’s got his ACTs this weekend, but it would be Saturday night, so he’d get plenty of time to study and sleep on Friday, and I’ll make something really good because I do the cooking in our house and….” Oh my God. I can’t stop talking and I have no idea what I’m even saying anymore, but I think I made my point, and I don’t think I’ve taken a breath since they drove up. Please someone stop me. Please. Please. Please. “I’m actually pretty good at cooking and it’d mean a lot to me and my dad too if Tommy could join us, if that was good with you.”
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