by James, Clare
“No worries,” I cut him off.
“Well, I am worried. I want you to be able to talk to me. Maybe I could help.”
“I’m sure you have better ways to spend your free time than trying to help a head case.”
“What if I told you helping you would help me?”
“I’m not sure I’d believe you.”
“Just wait, it might be you running away after you find out I’m the hot mess.”
“I don’t believe it,” I tell him. “I think you’d be better off with someone without so many issues.” I don’t want to go there, but it has to be said. “I saw you and Jenna talking again today; maybe you aren’t done with her yet. Maybe your time would be better spent with someone normal like her.”
“That ship has sailed,” he says.
Though I know it’s selfish, I’m glad he says it. It’s exactly what I want to hear.
“It’s complicated, but it’s not what you think,” he tries explaining. Again. “We are not involved that way. Really.”
Noah moves closer, and shifts me on my side so I’m looking right into his eyes. He lifts my hand and places it around his neck and strokes my arm with his fingers.
“But,” he says. “I would like to be involved with you.” He never takes his eyes off me. Those blue pools only inches from mine. “I want you, Tabby,” his breath catches.
Noah leans in and gently runs his lips over mine and my body feels like it is turning inside out. “I think I can help you,” his voice vibrates on my lips.
“How?”
“I have a plan,” he says with a gleam in his eyes. “Think you can trust me?”
“I think so,” I say, willing to try just about anything to have this with Noah. “When do we start?”
Chapter 24
I wake up the next morning with butterflies in my stomach and a smile on my face, and wish I could get back to my dreams about Noah. It’s only five o’clock in the morning, the earliest I’d been up in months, and I can’t sleep. I tossed and turned all night. Energy pulsates in my bones and I can’t lay still, I need to find a way to calm down.
I slip on my ballet shoes and get to work.
I spend the next hour doing floor work and turns. After I’m done, I go to the kitchen for some water. My legs tighten with each step. Strangely, it feels good. No pain, no gain and all that.
After my shower, I almost trip on the box I pulled out earlier to get my ballet slippers. I have no idea what it is. Out of curiosity, I open it to find make-up, a straightener, and colorful hair accessories. I laugh at those, not believing how I once put that crap in my hair. The make-up and flatiron, however, I could see using some of that. It might look nice to cover the dark circles under my eyes and add some gloss to my lips, and maybe run an iron down my hair so I don’t have to slick it back in a headband and ponytail every day.
I bring the goods to my bathroom and begin experimenting. Not too much, not like before. I don’t want to see that girl again, but maybe I could create someone new—someone who can think for herself and doesn’t have to impress anyone.
I pull the iron down my long hair, not to make it perfect, just enough to take out the frizz. I run my hands through it, loving the soft feeling on my fingers. I find some concealer and dab a little under my eyes, run the mascara wand through my lashes, and put some gloss on my lips. I look almost human.
When I see Noah on my way to class, he doesn’t talk at first, just stares. He stares and smiles. Then he grabs my hand.
I can’t take it any longer. “What?” I ask him.
“You look beautiful today,” he says. “It’s weird, somehow you look more like you. If that makes sense.”
“Well, if you like this, you would’ve loved me in Illinois. Primped and polished; lean and mean.”
“No, that sounds too fussy for you. This is perfect.”
“Thank you,” I simply say. And I mean it.
“So, are you ready to work on your control issues tonight?” Noah’s grin is devious and sexy as hell.
“I think so. You have something in mind?”
“I do.” He wiggles his eyebrows and it makes me nervous.
“Should I be worried?”
Noah grabs my hands now. “No,” he assures me. “Not at all. In fact, I think we should do this at your place to make you more comfortable.”
“Okay,” I waver.
“Great. I’ll be there at seven,” he says before we go our separate ways.
I don’t hear one word during class.
***
Wear something comfortable. That was Noah’s text an hour ago. Not only does he want control of my body tonight, he’s telling me what to wear too. I’m not so sure this is a good idea.
Still, I follow his instructions.
I have on my black yoga pants and one of my cotton wrap ballet tops over a camisole, and I’m pacing across my apartment. A knock on the door stops me mid-stride.
“Hi,” Noah greets me, a smile spread across his beautiful face.
He must’ve had an interview tonight because he’s dressed up, looking as edible as ever. His gray pants hang on him in a way that makes my entire core clench. His blue shirt fits him perfectly and shows off his broad shoulders and narrow waist and when he loosens his tie, it’s all I can do not to jump him right there. Instead, I give him a chaste kiss on the cheek.
“Hi, yourself,” I say, guiding him into my apartment.
We take a seat on the couch and Noah links our hands before he starts assessing the place.
“What are you doing?” I laugh, wondering what he has up his sleeve.
“Just planning out our little experiment,” he says, picking up my ballet slippers by the mirror. “Were you practicing? You look like a prima ballerina in those clothes.”
“I did earlier today,” I admit.
“I remember your dad telling me you are an amazing dancer.”
“That’s just my dad bragging.” I brush off Noah’s comment. That is the last thing I want to talk about right now. “So, are we going to do this or what?”
“Yes, we are.” He lifts my hand and kisses each knuckle. “As soon as you stop being so bossy.”
“Noah,” I huff. “At least tell me what you have planned.”
“Okay, you tyrant. I thought we’d start with some trust exercises.”
“Like having me fall into your arms?” We used to do things like that with new dance partners. Relief washes over me. I can do this.
“Yeah, stuff like that,” he says, his eyes gleaming. “At first.”
“And then?”
“Have you ever heard of sensate focus?”
“No,” I draw out the word. Nerves flutter away in my belly.
“It’s this technique used in sexual therapy.”
“What?” I try to remain composed.
“Don’t worry, baby.” Noah chuckles. “It’s not as scary as it sounds. It’s a way to help with intimacy and control.”
Oh boy, leave it to the journalist to research this stuff. I don’t even want to know what he has planned. One day at a time. “But all that stuff is later, right?”
“Right.” He smiles, pulls his tie from his collar, and dangles it from his fingers. “Are you ready for the first exercise, Tabitha?”
Unable to find my words, I nod to let him know I’m game.
Noah sweeps my hair over one shoulder and kisses my neck. I secretly hope there will be more of this in our experiment. I close my eyes and shiver as he places the tie over my eyes, tying it behind my head. “Hang on,” he whispers.
I can hear him moving around the living room and my hands instantly go damp. My heart rate picks up and I know I’m close to a full-fledged panic attack.
Noah takes my hands, lifting me upright. “I’ve got you,” he says in my ear. “I won’t let anything happen to you, Tab. And we can stop at any time.”
His words help me pull it together. “Let’s do it,” I say.
“That’s my girl. Okay, this
exercise is called minefield.”
“Nice,” I quip. “Putting me into a war scenario. This is fab.”
“The point of it is trust, Tabby. I’ve set up mines and now you have to trust me to avoid them.”
I stand and clear my head. And then Noah helps me navigate the minefield. I listen to his low voice, follow his directions, and he deftly leads me around danger to safety.
It’s unfortunate that in the real world, there are just too many mines to avoid.
Chapter 25
“It’s just above the shoulders play for our first time,” Noah says.
I have to say, I’m looking forward to some actual touching. It’s been two weeks since we’ve started Noah’s experiment and we’ve been spending a lot of time together without so much as a real kiss.
Tonight should change all that.
I’ve done a little research on sensate focus on my own. I needed to know what was coming. Apparently, during stage one, a couple focuses on touching each other above the shoulders. Of course, since my control issues are a problem, it will be Noah touching me. I can’t guide him or tell him what to do. I have to let him take the lead.
Thankfully, touching below the collar isn’t allowed, so I’m safe. At least for now.
“I’ll only be touching you above here, Tab,” Noah encourages, tracing an imaginary line at my collarbone. “And maybe just a little kissing.” He winks.
“I’m learning that with you, just a little anything can be dangerous,” I say.
Noah looks flattered. “Really?”
“Mmmhmm,” I say. “But there’s no need to get all smug about it.”
Noah pulls me over to the chaise and tucks me in between his legs.
“Let’s get started,” he says, before releasing my hair from the rubber band. He fans the long strands out over my shoulders and weaves his fingers in until he reaches my scalp. And for the next few minutes, I’m the recipient of the most amazing scalp massage.
I’m so relaxed that Noah easily coaxes me back to rest on his chest. Once I’m settled, his fingers explore my face. It’s not long before I feel the heat simmering inside, especially when he captures my earlobe between his thumb and forefinger. He squeezes my ear in a strangely alluring way, and my nipples instantly tighten.
This is unfair.
So when his fingers move to my lips, I grab one of them with my teeth and bite it just to prove a point.
“Stop,” Noah scolds and flips me over to deliver a stinging smack to my ass. “You are not allowed to do that and you know it.”
“Oww,” I whine, shocked he just spanked me, but also a little turned on.
Okay, a lot turned on.
“We’re moving on.” Noah motions for me to turn around so we’re face to face. After I do, he grabs my legs behind the knee and pulls me to him. “To kissing.”
I swallow.
“There are rules, Tabitha.” He’s in bossy mode again. “I control the kiss.”
“So no kissing back then?” I ask innocently.
“Yes.” He smirks. “You have to participate, but you have to follow me.”
And with that, he doesn’t wait. He palms the back of my head and his lips take control of mine.
Chapter 26
It was no doubt the most romantic, erotic, amazing, incredible night I’ve ever experienced. Noah not only continues to gain control of my body but also my heart.
That’s even scarier.
He’s broken through all the walls I put up after Thomas destroyed me, and now I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get Noah back outside at a safe distance…or if I even want to.
Holding my hand as we walk on campus the next morning, the air is crisp but all I feel is Noah’s warmth. It’s perfect until we have company.
“Hey, Jenna,” Noah says as we pass Her Royal Bitchiness.
“Noah,” she says to him all soft and sweet. “Your article in today’s edition was flawless. It’s one for your portfolio.”
“Thanks,” he says, a little too pleased with her praise.
She pats him on the shoulder, then looks over at me, rolls her eyes, shakes her head and walks off.
Noah pretends not to notice.
His reaction makes it even worse and that’s when I start to realize I’m completely out of his league and probably making a huge mistake.
***
The incident with Jenna has me in knots all day. It takes me back to the place I’ve worked so hard to run from. But that damage hasn’t healed. Not even close.
I’m on pins and needles all day, scared to see Jenna again. Worried of what she might say to me. Afraid of what she thinks of me.
Then in poly sci, I hear the whispers. She’s not even trying to be quiet.
“I swear, that Tabitha girl and Noah,” Jenna says to her wannabes. “Poor guy, he’s lost it,” she adds. Her words are like a snakebite.
“Looks like she just had an extreme makeover,” Jenna laughs. “But it’s going to take a lot more than that. So anyway…”
As Jenna moves to another topic, I take slow, deep breaths and swallow back the tears as they start to pool in my eyes. I can’t cry here. In front of her.
Jules catches my attention from the other side of the classroom. She mouths to me, “Are you okay?”
Over the past two months, I’ve become quite friendly with Jules and Foster—vices and all. Jules eats lunch with me almost every day in the commons. Foster joins us when he’s not hung over.
I look at Jules, shake my head, and look away before she gives me the pity face.
Jenna’s whispers buzz in my ear. Her laugh makes my head hurt. I have to get out of there.
I manage to excuse myself before the tears flow, but I know they’re on the way. It’s too late to recover. I make it to the newspaper office in the next building. Once I’m in Noah’s office, I lock the door and drop to the floor.
Chapter 27
The day I finally lost my shit last year had been excruciatingly bad, enduring the looks and whispers, but most of all the silence. Nobody talked to me. The professors didn’t even call on me anymore and my friends no longer looked at me, not even Megan. She was into self-preservation, and when Paige Adams offered Megan a lifeboat as her self-appointed BFF, she took it without looking back.
Thomas was back playing on the team again, and really suffered no consequences for what he did. I, on the other hand, was forced to sit out of our biggest dance production of the year.
And once that happened, I couldn’t deal with any of it anymore.
When I got to my dorm room that afternoon, I locked myself in with all the pills I could find. I washed them down with a Diet Coke and spread out on the floor until everything went black.
What happened next is still a little fuzzy.
I remember there was pounding on the other side of the bathroom door and screaming. Then I heard a loud bang and crunching sound, and then someone lifted me up. I tried to talk but the words wouldn’t come out.
When I woke up, I was in the psych ward.
New Beginnings is a catch-all psychiatric inpatient hospital in a small town four hours southwest of Chicago. It’s where I was summoned; despite the fact there are dozens of places near the city. Mom said the distance would be good for me, but we both know the real reason I was sent there. She was embarrassed and wanted me gone.
That made two of us.
Chapter 28
“Tabby, are you in there?” asks a voice that would normally have me smiling, but right now only brought me dread.
I clear my throat. “Just a minute,” I say.
I slowly stand up, feeling all the blood rush to my head. I quickly find a compact in my purse. The face in the mirror is blotchy and swollen and my eyes are bloodshot. I do my best to rectify the problem.
“Thanks for telling me, Jules,” Noah says from the other side of the door. “I’ll take it from here.”
“Tabby?” His voice shakes now.
I finish powdering my face and
open the door.
“Oh hey,” I say, like it’s completely normal for me to be hiding out in his office.
“What are you doing here?” he asks.
“Taking a break. What are you doing here?” I challenge.
“I was waiting for you after class and Jules told me you left early. She thought you might be here.”
“Well, yeah, I do hang out here sometimes. You know, new school, no friends and all.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened? You look really upset.”
He takes a step forward and I step back. It’s always a clumsy dance with us.
“No, it’s nothing. I’m just not feeling well.”
“Jules said Jenna was being a bitch to you.”
Beginning to feel cornered, I snap, “Well, Jules seems to be ready to spill all kinds of information, doesn’t she?”
“I think she was worried. She heard me ask Jenna where you were,” he says. “I know Jenna comes off a little rough sometimes, but I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Well, don’t worry,” I say as anger rages under my skin. “Your precious Jenna isn’t the issue.”
“Tabby,” he takes another a step forward and grabs my arm.
I wiggle out of his grip.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
He pulls me to him but I can’t do this. I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want him to see me like this.
“Let me help,” he pleads.
“Noah, please just leave.”
He doesn’t move. He just stares at me with hurt slapped across his face.
Jules pushes her way through the door and nudges Noah out and says, “I’ve got this.”
“Okay,” he shrugs. “I was just trying to help.”
“I want to be alone, Jules,” I say, moving to the corner of the room wishing I could disappear.
“I know you do, but I’m not leaving,” she says. “I know this is about more than Jenna. I know it’s something serious, I can see it all over you. I’m sorry, Tabby, I don’t want to push. You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. I just want to stay with you for a while, make sure you’re okay. Deal?”