by James, Clare
“Oh, God,” I start pacing.
“Talk to me,” he pleads.
I can’t. Instead, I stare at my past spread out on his desk. Every dirty detail. I can’t look anymore. I want to drift off and not think about any of this ever again.
Reluctantly, I inch away from Noah—afraid it’s for the very last time.
He moves to stop me. “Don’t leave, Tabby. Not yet. There’s something I need to tell you before you go.”
I don’t wait to hear it. But as I turn around to make my escape, things get even worse.
Jenna is waiting in the doorway. She heard everything, so I do thing only thing I can.
I run. Again.
Chapter 43
My phone beeps continuously with texts from Noah. I immediately hit delete. I have three days before the article will be in the paper. Three days to prepare myself and my family. Three days to be normal before it all starts again.
I pile into my nest and wait for the storm. That’s the thing about depression, it isn’t soft and quiet, lulling me to sleep. At least that’s not how it begins. It’s loud, ringing anxiety. A pacing in my brain that only subsides after it runs its course—taking me where it wants, making me relive the things I don’t want to think about, blaming me over and over again until it’s satisfied. When finally my brain and body shut down.
It’s only then that the hole inside my chest shrinks. I remember this all too well. I rock myself into submission, into the comatose state where used to spend my time. I hold my head in my hands and everything goes foggy. My eyes are heavy and my body feels like hardening cement.
I bury myself under the pile of covers on my bed, hoping I can hide here. Hoping it won’t find me again. My head throbs until I drift off.
***
Over the next two days, Jules visits my apartment. I don’t answer. She must know about the article. I’m sure Jenna’s spread the news far and wide by now. Jules leaves food and flowers at my door—I throw it all away.
I come dangerously close to slipping deep into the black hole again, but something stops me. It’s Jules and the crazy big dude from group. She talks her way into my apartment, threatening me with the help of Big ’n Scary, and delivers me to the Mud Puddle where she has reinforcements.
Turns out she didn’t know about the article. She was almost as shocked as I was, so she enlists the help of my new friends and we come up with a plan.
“You need to take the offensive,” Jules recommends. I listen because she is prelaw and smart as hell. “When the article comes out, we hold a press conference and you tell your story. We get statistics on sexual assault on campus and within college sports; we get women’s organizations to come and show their support; we serve the assholes who did this to you their balls.”
“I don’t know,” I tell her. I honestly don’t think I’m tough enough to pull it off.
“Don’t you go soft on me, Tabitha Kelly. You’ve made it too far to go slinking away into a corner. Don’t you see how strong you are? You can do this.”
My mind races and I let out a huge sigh. I feel like I may hyperventilate.
Jules puts her arm around me. “We can do this.”
I nod, knowing we can do this. Jules ignites a fire in my belly. She believes me. She will support me.
No, this time I don’t have to take it.
I’m not alone. This time, I can fight.
Chapter 44
Dad is at my apartment when I get home with Jules. He must know what’s going on. My heart squeezes knowing that I’m going to put him through all of this again. God, could I do that to him? At his university?
“Tabby,” Dad says, sizing me up. “Where were you? Are you okay?”
“I was with Jules,” I say, wanting him to tell me what he knows before I give away any information.
“Noah called.”
Shit.
“He told me about the article and what he found,” he says with a shudder.
“It’s okay, Dad. I’m going to be okay. Really.”
“He was so worried about you, Tab,” Dad holds in a sob. “He said you shut down when he told you what he found. And after, you wouldn’t take his calls. You missed class.”
Dad sobs now and my heart crumbles. “I didn’t know what I was going to find here. I didn’t know if you could handle it again.”
“Daddy.” I wrap him in my arms. “No. I’d never do that again. I’m better. I can handle it. Jules will be there for me every step of the way when the article comes out.”
“What do you mean when it comes out?” Dad pulls away to look at me. “There’s no article. Noah shut it down immediately once the package came from Illinois. He doesn’t roll that way, honey. He’s one of the good guys.”
“He didn’t do it?” I say, almost to myself. “He didn’t file the story? He protected me? But what about making a name for himself?”
“He wouldn’t do that at your expense, sweetheart. He is torn up over this. I’ve never seen him so upset. You need to get in touch with him. Let him know you’re okay.”
“I don’t know if I can, Dad.” Now I have tears in my eyes. “There’s something you don’t know. Noah and I are…involved. Can you imagine what he thinks about me after all of this? How can I face him?”
“Only you can answer that, Tabby. And though I’m not pleased that you kept your relationship from me, I can tell you this: Noah is in love with you.”
“Wha—how do you know that?” I ask, not fully understanding his words.
Dad gives my hands a squeeze and says, “He told me.”
Chapter 45
I don’t get much sleep after Dad leaves. I should be happy, thrilled, that Noah loves me. But what can it mean now, after he knows what happened? How can he feel the same about me? Or is it just pity? Not to mention the way I handled everything in his office. I ran away yet again. I believed the worst in him.
And now I have no choice but to face him, and face the world. Though there is no newspaper article, Jenna still knows…and that means others will soon know. And Noah will do nothing to stop her.
Can I live with that?
I keep my head up as I walk on campus and visualize a protective shell around my body. Stares, glares, snide comments—doesn’t matter. Nothing will get through to me. I can do this.
I get through the morning without incident. Still, it’s just a matter of time. Jenna’s in my next class and I know there’s no possible way to avoid her.
“Chica,” Jules hollers. She made sure to meet me in the commons before poly sci. “Are you okay?”
“I haven’t been stoned yet,” I say. “But I haven’t run into Jenna either.”
“That’s why I’m here, babe.” She links her arm in mine. “Let’s do this.”
We walk to class and I slow at the door to peek inside.
No Jenna.
No Jenna in poly sci. Or, the rest of the day. That is, until Professor Sands’ class.
***
I’m about to turn the corner to get to English Lit when I hear them.
“What the hell, Noah?” Jenna yells. “Why did you summon me to the newspaper? I missed poly sci because of it.”
I stay hidden behind the corner but inch a little closer, wanting to hear their exchange.
“I didn’t want you to be alone with her,” Noah says.
“Are you serious?”
“Completely.”
“So you’re afraid I might hurt your wounded bird’s feelings? And thought that was a reason to have me miss class?”
“Yeah, actually,” Noah says. “But that’s not all. That newspaper assignment is for real, Jenna.”
“What?” Jenna whines. “What do you mean? You’re making me write a story? But you know I have a lot on my plate.”
“Don’t give me that.” Noah laughs.
“Is this because of Tabby?” Jenna snaps. “What did she tell you?”
“She didn’t tell me anything. And this is about you, not her.”
&nbs
p; “Right,” she says. “You should watch yourself with her, Noah. Or you’ll be the next one she accuses—”
“Stop,” Noah yells now. “You stop right there. I’ve had just about enough of this shit, Jenna. No more.”
“But, you –”
“No,” he cuts her off. “No more excuses. That’s it. I’m not going to let you manipulate me anymore. It’s time you get your shit together and stop blaming me for everything that goes wrong in your life. No more free rides. If you want the credits, you get to the newspaper and do the work. And let me tell you something else. If anyone finds out about what happened to Tabby on that campus, I’ll know who talked. And I will cut you off. For good.”
“I can’t,” Jenna starts, her voice full of contempt.
I clench my teeth, knowing this isn’t right. I can’t let Noah do my fighting. I wish I could, but nothing is going to get better unless I step up.
Jenna continues, “I can’t even believe you—”
That’s when I stop her.
“No, Jenna,” I say, walking out from around the corner. “I can’t believe you.”
I move toward her and Noah slides aside giving me complete access. I swear I see the trace of a smile on his face.
“I can’t believe you would hold my past against me.” I glare at her until she’s forced to look away. “Especially after hearing about yours.”
It was past time for fighting words.
Jenna doesn’t move or say a word. She’s frozen. And Noah’s frozen. There’s nothing but silence. So I brush past them and go to class.
Chapter 46
Noah doesn’t try to catch up with me after class. I don’t wait for him either, I’m not sure he’d want me to. It’s obvious he cares about me, but maybe his feelings have changed to a more protective-big-brother sort.
Instead of making myself crazy with wonder and worry, I go to the center to dance. I work on the combinations Kevin taught me, hoping to let everything fade away.
It doesn’t work.
Before I know it I’m in my car heading to Noah’s apartment. I argue with myself on the drive. I want so bad to go to him. To see if he still has real feelings for me. But if I do, there’s no more playing around. If I go to him now, and he takes me back, we are together for the long haul. No more bailing out when it gets hard or messy or scary.
If I—
I stop myself with a knock on his door. My body is on autopilot, doing what it needs to. My brain tries to keep up.
There’s no answer, but I can hear music coming from upstairs. His apartment door is unlocked. I slide my boots off and walk into a lovely sound—lazy notes singing, soft and sweet. Noah’s deep melody joining in. I could listen to him all day. His music, his voice, it’s like coming home and being wrapped in a soft, toasty blanket.
Noah sits at his keyboard, his scruffy old Adidas keeping time as he watches his own fingers moving, changing the melody. It’s a beautiful sight watching him make music.
He looks up at me and lets out an enormous sigh as relief washes over his face.
“Tabby.” He’s at my side instantly. “I was hoping you’d find your way back here.” He brushes the hair out of his eyes, revealing the dark circles underneath. “Actually, praying—to all the gods and even Jesus—that you’d make your way back to me.”
“You want me here?” I ask, confused.
He nods and gives me the softest smile. “Always.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that in class?”
“You didn’t ask,” he smirks.
“Noah, I don’t want to play games.”
“I don’t either. But I want you with me for the right reasons, Tab. It was time for you to make the decision.”
“I want the same thing,” I say, worried about what’s going to come next.
“You had me scared out of my mind for the past three days. I was so worried about you. I’m so sorry I pulled up all that shit.”
“It’s not your fault,” I tell him.
“I had no idea.” He grabs my arms and pulls me on the bed. “Tabby, I am so sorry about what happened to you. I could kill every last one of those lowlife fuckers. I will—just say the word.”
“I’m sorry you had to find out, but I’m grateful that you’re not printing the story.”
“I’d never do that to you, baby. That’s what I was trying to tell you when I called, but I was only making matters worse. I knew I couldn’t come after you, I knew you wouldn’t see me.”
“But what about your resume and—”
“And nothing,” he says, kissing my hands. “I’d rather work at a country newspaper in North Dakota than do anything to hurt you.”
“Why? Why would you do that for me?”
“I’m in love with you. I have been for months now. I was just waiting for you to catch up. I would do anything for you, Tab.”
“Even after knowing what you know? Seeing me that way, and all of that ugliness?”
“If it’s possible, I love you even more because of it. That you were able to get over something so life-shattering. They didn’t break you, baby.”
“Sometimes I’m not so sure,” I admit.
“I am. You are the most incredible woman I’ve ever known. Look at you with Jenna today. I’ve never been so proud.”
“Look at you with Jenna today,” I counter with a smile stretching across my face.
“Yeah, I’m just sorry it took me so long to grow a pair. I guess I’m still healing too. But you are the most important thing to me. And I won’t let anyone, not even Jenna, hurt you again. Ever. But no more secrets, Tabby. I can’t take it. That’s not how it’s going to be with us.”
“Okay,” I say, agreeing to his simple demand.
“Okay,” he says. Then he kisses me, and this time I know, I really know, everything is going to be okay.
“I love you, Noah Adler,” I whisper in his mouth.
“I love you, Tabitha Kelly,” he whispers back. “Now let me show you what you deserve, baby. Let me take care of you.”
He does just that in every way possible and this time, there’s nothing standing between us.
Not even me.
****
The next morning, I get a call while Noah’s in the shower. It’s the most amazing news. I run into the bathroom to share it immediately.
“Noah?” I call out so he can hear me over the sound of the running water.
“Yes, Tabby.” He flips the shower curtain open.
I forget my news for a minute, lost in his beautiful body.
Noah reaches out for me and I take his hand, only to be pulled into the shower with him clothes and all. He remedies that problem quickly, slipping me out of his t-shirt I slept in and trailing kisses down my belly as he takes off my panties.
The first time we did this, before Noah knew, was wonderful. But what we have now is even better. Each time he touches me, he wipes away some of the damage. Little by little. I cherish every single second and don’t even think about my news until he brings it up an hour later when we’re eating breakfast in bed.
“I seem to remember you had some news for me,” Noah says between bites of toast.
“Yes, I did.”
He stops eating and looks at me. “Well, come on. Out with it.”
“I have some good news.”
“It’s about time,” he says, sliding me closer to him.
“I’ve been asked to join a local dance company,” I squeal.
“You what?” His voice cracks, almost choking on a sob. “That is the best thing I’ve heard…ever! I didn’t know you were auditioning.” He shakes his head. “You sly, sly dog.”
“Guess what else?”
“What?” He treads lightly now.
“I got the lead.” I laugh.
Noah beams and smothers me with kisses. I’m fairly sure we’re not leaving this apartment today.
Chapter 47
Three Months Later
The next few months are a blur of Noah, sc
hool, and dance practice. It’s busy, but Noah and I make the time for each other. Always. It helps that we spend nearly every night together. Since we each have our own place, there’s really no reason not to. Plus, I can’t take being away from him for more than a few hours—especially at night.
I wish I was tucked away in covers with him now as I wait in the wings at the theater. It’s been one year since Thomas’ party and I can’t believe how far I’ve come. Tonight’s the night of our big show. My nerves are out of control and the little butterflies that started tickling my belly have morphed into angry crows battling it out in my gut.
I think I might just chicken out until I look into the audience. From the wings, I can see Noah front and center, looking delicious in his new gray suit. He’s sandwiched between my two families. On one side is Dad, Amy and Jules. On the other sits Mom, Stephen, and Michael. They smile and call out my name.
It’s time.
I let out a deep breath and take my position before I am consumed by the spotlight. And when the music begins, I dance. I go through the movements, my confidence growing with each step and soon, I’m no longer worried.
I perform the best number of my life. Funny, it doesn’t even matter because I know that if I tumble, there are six people out there ready to pick me up again.
More
By Clare James
Chapter 1
Jules
I bite my lip when his tattoo peeks out from under his shirt. Yes, it is completely cliché. And yes, I do look like some kind of B-list porn star lusting after this man and going into heat every time he shows a little skin. But seriously, he is that delicious.
Sweet Mother Mary, help me.
Deep black ink spreads across Foster’s toffee-colored skin along his lower left ab. I was with him when he got it—a tribal eagle. It’s an important symbol for the Ojibwe people. Foster’s people. Though he’s never really embraced his roots, not even after his dad died in junior high, he’s trying to figure it out now. He’s trying to figure out a lot of things—usually over whiskey Cokes.