by Amanda Ashby
“Is everything okay? Because I’d hate for you to judge me based on Keith’s announcement. I promise you I’m normal—well, Emma seems to think my cleaning habits are a bit extreme. But apart from that I’m as normal as they come.”
“I know you’re normal, Matt. It’s me who isn’t. The thing is—” She paused for a minute to lick her dry lips before letting the words tumble out of her mouth. “I don’t want children.”
Kate wondered if he could see the anxiety lacing through her heart and threatening to come up through her throat and choke her as the color drained from his face.
“So, when you say that you don’t want children, do you mean you don’t want children now but in three years you might be ready? Because when we were talking yesterday, I thought that’s what you were implying.”
“And I thought you were implying that you weren’t sure if you wanted them either.” Kate’s whole body began to shake. “I guess we were both pretending—me that I wanted more than I did and you that you wanted less. Matt, I’m sorry.”
He shut his eyes and silence engulfed them.
“I still don’t understand.” The frown increased as he finally spoke. “Why are you so certain? I saw you with those kids yesterday and you were amazing. And look how you are with Socrates. You have a natural warmth that you can’t hide.”
Kate pressed her lips together and tried to ignore the way her temples were pounding.
She was much better at painting than talking, but she knew she owed him an explanation. Plus, if she didn’t tell him then he might keep trying to do things like stand near her. Like look at her with tenderness. Or bake her brownies. And then the whole thing would be ten times harder. She tightened her grip on the cat and in a faltering voice she slowly told Matt what had happened to her tiny defenseless brother all those years ago.
“So that’s why I don’t want kids. I just don’t think I could bear for anything like that to happen again.” She ended with a watery sob, causing Matt to reach into his pocket and pull out a tissue that he used to wipe away the tears with an infinite tenderness that just made everything seem so much worse.
She took a hasty step back to try and escape his orbit and sucked her tears back in. Now was not the time or place.
“Kate,” Matt said softly, not attempting to close the distance between them. “What happened to you was terrible. Beyond terrible, but surely you know that it wasn’t your fault. It was just a devastating tragedy.”
“You don’t understand. If I’d checked him again during the night, I might’ve saved him. Julia knew it too, so did Errol. After it happened, he left and she could barely look at me. Then she had her breakdown.” Kate ground her teeth together. “But I’m not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me. I just want you to understand why I can’t see you anymore.”
“But that’s not what I want. We could take it slowly. As slowly as you’d like. I promised you that before our very first date and I still mean it. You can call the shots.”
It would be so easy to slightly tilt her face and step forward so that her lips met his and their mouths and breath could become intermingled again and she could lose herself in him. Oh, how she wanted to. But she forced herself back from him as the familiar feeling of anxiety raced up and overtook her desire until soon her heart felt like it was being squeezed by a garlic crusher.
“You don’t understand. It doesn’t matter how slowly we go. I don’t want kids. Not now. Not ever. And let’s face it, you do. Can you honestly tell me that you’d be happy if you never had children? No little Sarah and Jack to take to the park. No little Lucille to perform magic for. Matt, your biological clock is ticking so loudly that even your strange friend Keith heard it. Are you saying you can turn it off?”
“But—”
“Can you?” She pushed as she watched him slowly drop his head and release her fingers.
“I can try,” he finally answered, his face a picture of pain. “Kate, I know this is complicated. More than complicated, but I love you.”
He loved her?
“Don’t say that.” Kate shut her eyes. She knew he was trying to convince her to change her mind, but it actually made her more determined to finish this once and for all. Because there was no future, and pretending there was would just cause them both more pain.
“Why not? It’s true and that’s why I don’t want to let this go. Unless you don’t feel the same way.”
“I—” Kate opened her mouth and tried to refute it, but it was impossible. Despite her best efforts to not get hurt she’d managed to fall in love with him. Every nerve and cell in her body was screaming at her, but she ignored them all. Instead she gritted her teeth. “Matt, please don’t put me through this. I’ve been down this road before with Harry. And I know that you’re nothing like him, but that’s why I can’t do this to you. It wouldn’t be fair. You want a life that’s different from your uncle’s, and if you stay with me you won’t have that. Worse, you might come to resent me, and I’d hate for that to happen.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Actually, I do. I know you. And I bet that when you first decided you wanted to be a father, you wrote a to-do list for it.”
He colored. “It wasn’t exactly a to-do list and I put it away the moment I met you.”
“You might have put away the list but you haven’t put away the dream, have you?”
“Kate, I don’t know what to say. This isn’t what I want for us.”
“That’s because you’re truly one of the nice guys and that’s why I can’t pretend that I want something I don’t. I’m sorry, Matt, but there’s nothing more to say.”
Then, without another word, she turned and walked back to her van. She had no idea where she was going, but anywhere was better than where she was.
Chapter Fourteen
“Kate, what on earth’s wrong?” Julia said as she opened the door of her home some time later.
“I—” But to Kate’s horror, before she could finish her sentence, a flood of tears started to run down her face and she found herself being embraced by Julia. He loved her. He wanted to be with her. He wanted to . . . he wanted to have babies with her. She stiffened.
“Shhh,” Julia soothed as she eventually dragged Kate off the doorstep and into the house. “Here, sit down and let me make you a cup of tea. Do you still like honey instead of sugar?”
Kate gave a watery sniff and nodded her head. She hadn’t meant to end up here, but after turning onto Jenny’s street she realized that no good could come of imposing on her friend while she had a household of relatives. Plus, Jenny would ask her too many questions that Kate didn’t have answers for.
It was here or the park bench.
Julia bustled around the kitchen, clattering the kettle and the cups together as she tried to clean them all. It was then Kate noticed her mother’s normally immaculate hair was scrapped back into an unflattering knot and she was looking a bit paler than normal as well.
“Sorry, did I wake you up? Are you sick? I—I should’ve called first.”
“Don’t be silly.” Her mother dismissed the question as she passed Kate a steaming cup of tea. “I’m fine and I’m pleased you’re here.”
“Thanks,” Kate managed to mumble as she reached out to take it.
“That’s all right.” Julia settled herself down on the seat next to her and put her own cup on the table. “But you still haven’t told me what you’re doing here. Has something happened?”
“It’s complicated and I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it,” Kate said before taking a deep breath. “I don’t suppose I could bunk with you for a couple of nights? My ceiling is being repaired.”
“Of course you can,” her mother immediately replied, and Kate was strangely grateful that Julia didn’t try and press her for more information. “For as long as you want.”
“Thank you.” Kate wra
pped her hands around her teacup as a sliver of guilt raced through her as she thought of all the messages her mother had left her over the last three weeks. “And I’m sorry I haven’t called. I did mean to, but I just seem to have been so busy lately.”
So busy falling for Matt that I managed to forget about everything else in the world. And now I’m paying the price for it.
“I understand,” Julia said in a soft voice. “I know that talking isn’t our strong point, but I’m here now if you need to unburden. If you need some help.”
Kate shook her head. “It’s okay.” No one could’ve helped her more than Matt had. But from now on there would be no Matt in her future. She was on her own. And suddenly she had a pressing need to change the subject, so they spent the next ten minutes discussing the weather before Julia excused herself to get a hot bath. It wasn’t until her mother had left the room that Kate realized she still didn’t know why Julia had been leaving so many messages for her.
Then she dismissed it. She had too many other things on her mind as she tried to work out how she’d managed to get into this mess. But even now, as she could feel where his fingers had been on her body, she knew exactly what she’d been thinking about: She’d been thinking she could live in a bubble. But she was a fool. If only she’d listened to the blasted radio. Then she would’ve known about Matt’s fatherhood aspirations. And if she’d known that, then she never would’ve gotten involved with him. Never would’ve fallen for him. Never. Not in a million years.
Unfortunately the thought didn’t make her feel any better and she finally hoisted herself up from the kitchen table and took the two teacups over to the bench. Neither of them had even touched their drinks, so she poured them down the sink, feeling a bonded sympathy with the unwanted liquid. She knew what it felt like to be unwanted and discarded.
The thought made her heart feel heavy and after she washed the cups and put them away, she limped in the direction of Julia’s spare room, curled herself up into a ball and pulled the duvet cover way up over her head. For now the world was too exhausting, and she’d had enough.
***
“Sh-she didn’t even look at me,” Matt Hunter slurred four days later. He took another messy gulp of beer and looked over to where Keith was sprawled out on the floor trying to land pretzels into an empty pizza carton. Matt hardly even noticed Keith was having no success at all and the salty snacks were now scattered all around the usually immaculate floor. “I mean, can you believe that? Not even a blink.”
“Who didn’t look at you?” Keith finally asked with a lazy drawl.
“I think he’s talking about Kate,” Sam mumbled helpfully from somewhere below a mountain of pillows. “He’s been doing that a lot.”
“Yep,” Matt agreed. “I’m talking about Kate. She turned up at her gallery and when she saw me, she just ran to her van and drove away. Without even looking at me. And don’t even get me started on the phone calls. She won’t answer me at all.”
“That’s harsh, buddy. Really harsh. But have you ever considered that maybe she has a point?” Keith shook his head as another pretzel landed more than a foot away from its target.
“Nope.” Matt ran a hand through his normally neat hair, causing it to go sticking out in all directions.
“Well, she does,” Keith said firmly. “You want kids, she doesn’t. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out you guys have a problem. That’s why she didn’t look at you.”
“He’s right.” Sam nodded his head happily at Matt before turning his head back to Keith. “You’re right.”
“Why thank you, Samuel,” Keith said graciously while Matt looked glumly down into his beer bottle. Keith was right. Sam was right. Kate was right. The whole thing wouldn’t work. But it just didn’t seem right.
He was an organizational consultant.
It was his job to fix these sorts of things. To look for where the system was failing. To figure out a solution and implement that solution. So why was he doing such a lousy job?
Kate had extended her stay at her mother’s house despite the fact that Bernie had finished repairing her ceiling, which meant that every time Matt walked past her empty gallery, he was reminded of what a mess they were in.
Which was why he needed to talk to her.
“So,” Keith continued as he now placed a pretzel over each eye and one on his nose. “The question is, what are you going to do about it?”
“About Kate?”
“No. About having a baby,” Keith said, and Matt looked at him blankly. “Well, this whole thing started because you wanted a baby, right?”
“Right,” Matt admitted.
“Right,” Sam piped up.
“So now it’s time to move on to plan B.”
Matt was now seeing six pretzels, two Keiths and Sam appeared to be hovering somewhere up near the ceiling. “Plan B, you say.”
“That’s it.” Keith nodded. “You’re the one who’s always telling me that once you set a goal you need to focus on it until you achieve it. And I have just the thing to help you reach that goal. Remember the Stop the Clock competition? There’s still a whole list of ladies just waiting to meet you. And you know what the best thing about them is?”
“What?”
“They all want babies,” Keith said triumphantly.
“Yeah.” Sam burped in agreement.
“I’m not so sure that’s a good idea,” Matt slurred uncertainly.
“What’s not a good idea?” Emma’s voice rang out across the room and the three of them sat up bolt-straight, just like they’d done in second grade when their teacher had yelled at them.
“And what’s he doing here?” She glared over toward where Keith was sprawled. “I thought you and Sam were meant to be having a quiet night with Chinese takeout and red wine, not a man orgy of pizza and stupid ideas.”
“Keith seems to think his producer, Miranda, is stalking him, so he decided to come and hide out. Hence the beer. He didn’t know how long he’d be here, so he didn’t know how much he’d need,” Matt explained logically.
“Stalking indeed. Keith could be so lucky.” Emma snorted. “Now, what was it that you were all just talking about?”
“Oh.” Matt scratched his head for a moment. “That’s right, Keith’s going to—”
“Just go out and get a breath of fresh air,” Keith interrupted, jumping hastily to his feet and brushing away the unwanted pretzels. “Matt, why don’t you join me?”
“Sure,” Matt said cheerfully. “But first I might just have a little nap . . .”
***
“Wake up.”
Matt groaned as he realized his niece and nephew were jumping up and down on the bed, causing his body to jiggle around like an out-of-control roller coaster car.
“You promised to take us to the arcade.” Jack bounced up into the air.
“And the movies.” Sarah’s ponytail was bobbing around her shiny face like a halo.
Matt groaned and quickly shut his eyes again. Usually he loved spending time with the twins, but now wasn’t one of those moments.
“And, Uncle Matt, don’t forget that we—”
“Hey, leave him alone.” Emma’s voice floated across from the doorway and Matt reluctantly opened his eyes again. “He’s had a busy week and obviously needs his beauty sleep.”
Matt struggled to his elbows as the twins serenely settled down on either side of him as if their batteries had suddenly been taken out. He quickly gave each of them an affectionate pat on the head before looking to his watch. He raised an eyebrow in surprise. After ten in the morning. He really had slept in.
Mind you, it had been a long night. Emma had been less than impressed with his drunken state and had insisted he go home with her and Sam since he obviously wasn’t capable of looking after himself. Matt had protested, saying that he needed to stay home in case
Kate came by. But Emma had told him if Kate did go to see him, the last thing she’d want was to talk to a drunken idiot, and therefore she was doing him a favor.
“So.” Emma handed over the tray containing a large cup of coffee and a dry piece of toast. “Do you remember promising to take the twins out on Saturday?”
Matt winced as he looked from one small face to the other. “Sure,” he croaked as he inhaled the freshly roasted granules. “Of course I remember.”
“Liar.” Emma grinned evilly. “But since I’m feeling nice I’ll give you half an hour to get ready before they start tormenting you. Kids, go brush your teeth and clean up your rooms.”
For a moment Jack looked like he was going to protest, but Emma raised an eyebrow and both children scrambled out of the bed and headed for the door.
“Thanks, Sis.” Matt nodded as he took a large slug of caffeine, waiting for it to kick-start his brain into action. “You know I love them, but trying to get ready with them in the room is a logistical nightmare.”
“No problem.” She settled herself down on the side of the bed. “Though that’s not the reason I sent them out.”
“Please, not now.” Matt groaned as he suddenly recognized the look of determination in his baby sister’s eyes.
“Now,” she said firmly. “And I want the full story. None of this ‘it just didn’t work out’ garbage that you spun to Mom and Dad.”
Matt slumped back into the pillows. He’d been avoiding this moment in case Emma tried to tell him things that he didn’t want to hear.
“I’m waiting.” Emma drummed her fingers impatiently. “I mean, one minute you were convinced that you were both on the same page when it came to the future and now you’re drowning your sorrows. I want an explanation.”
“Fine,” Matt said before slowly updating Emma about what had been going on. At least the coffee seemed to be having an effect and now he was only feeling a dull throb as opposed to the triple vision and misplaced sense of invincibility he’d experienced last night.
“So you love her, and she appears to love you.” Emma pushed her mouth together in a frown. “The only thing I don’t understand is why you’re wasting your time getting drunk and eating double pepperoni and anchovies with Sam and Keith when you should be out there trying to mend your fences with Kate.”