by Gini Koch
I want to go home! I shouted it, but no vocal cords meant no sound.
I felt a tug. The string jerked me. But it was frayed, I could see it. I chose not to panic and started to move along it, as best I could. I was able to move, and I found myself wondering if this was what the superbeing parasites felt like—lost, alone, held to life by a fraying string. If they didn’t turn mammals into horrifying, murderous creatures, I’d never kill one again. Then again, maybe I was going to turn into one, fly into some world I didn’t belong in, or even into my own, and attach to some poor unsuspecting sap and make him or her an evil superbeing. I didn’t like where my mind was going with this.
I want to go home to Jeff and our baby. I was begging. It’s not fair.
I waited to hear some big voice in the ether tell me that life wasn’t fair. Got the silence of the uninterested instead. I’d have called God a jerk, but remembered He’d sent Reader back for me nine months ago. Guessed that was a short-term loan.
Kept moving along the string. Got past some frayed portions but had no confidence I’d be able to hold on if something snapped. Had to figure I needed to speed this up. The universe wheel was spinning, and I had no guess as to how I was going to fling myself back into the right one, string or no string.
Started to focus. My kung fu instructors had spent a long time working with me on learning how to meditate. I still sucked at it, but one thing I’d gotten was that slavish devotion to one idea was good. I tried to figure out which one thing I should focus on. Ran through my options, then reminded myself that Jeff was only in one place, at least for me, and if I ever wanted to see him again, perhaps he was the right focus object.
Problem was, any time I thought of him, I had trouble doing much other than thinking about how great he was, and this tended to shift my focus onto our sex life. Even disembodied with nothing to enjoy sex with, I was right back to thinking about making love to him.
I was more than resentful that I was apparently going to die without getting to make love to him again. In fact, the more I thought about that, the more pissed off I got. Bad enough to die in childbirth and saddle my poor baby girl with that kind of unwarranted but hard to ignore guilt, but I wasn’t even getting good-bye sex? I’d kind of planned on going via death by orgasm, since sex with Jeff was always a good bet for that kind of end. I’d also planned on going when we were like ninety or something, not when I wasn’t even twenty-nine yet.
In fact, the baby was supposed to have come on or around my birthday. As I thought about it, we hadn’t even made it to Christmas. Couldn’t remember when Christmas was right now, but it was close. And I’d been denied. Sure, my family had pretty much avoided the December holidays my entire life, and Jeff, as an A-C, had no Christmas at all, since their religion wasn’t from our world. So it wasn’t like we’d planned anything big. But it was the idea of the thing.
Denied good-bye sex. Denied death by orgasm. Denied my baby. Denied years of marital bliss with the alien sex god. Denied a Christmas I didn’t care about. Denied baby showers I didn’t want. Denied getting to be a mother. Denied getting to see my friends have their kids. Denied what I did want and what I didn’t, indiscriminately. And for no good reason that I could see. I was not a happy girl.
Fascinatingly, anger seemed to speed me along that string. I was sailing toward something. I hoped it was the right something, between my righteous wrath about denial and why I didn’t like it.
Do not ask me how, but I managed, disembodied and pissed off, to trip over my own string. This was—as I thought about it and watched my perspective go end over end while the string wrapped around whatever was functioning as “me” for this experience—the story of my life. Figured I was at least going out in my own personal style, whatever that was. Decided again that I really didn’t want to go.
I know I’ll forget all this. I’ll forget it all right away if you let me go back and live out the life I’m supposed to with Jeff. Bargaining—could not remember where that was on the Death and Dying steps. Refused to leave it. I was not getting to Acceptance, at least not without a fight. Oh, and I’m not kidding. If I get back there and then you kill Jeff, I’ll figure out a way to come and kick your butt for it.
Did some more disembodied tumbling. It was less nauseating than going through a gate, the alien transference system that still looked more like an airport metal detector than anything else, but this was damning with faint praise.
I had to ask why I could feel all this stuff if I was on this side of dying. Added resentment to my anger about being denied. I got to do the whole “see the other side” thing while totally sick to my stomach.
Had another thought. Oh, and you’re not trading me for Jamie, either. I want my whole family—me, Jeff, and Jamie—all together. And any other kids we might have. None of this family tragedy stuff. Jeff’s had enough of that already, and, for that matter, so has Christopher. Losing Terry was more than they deserved, and then they lost Lissa, and they don’t deserve this, either.
Terry was Christopher’s mother, who’d pretty much been murdered by the head in-control superbeing when the boys were ten. Lissa was the A-C girl they’d both wanted to marry, who’d been murdered by a different in-control superbeing. I was the human girl they’d both wanted to marry. I couldn’t imagine how Jeff would recover from losing me in childbirth. Not at all leaped to mind. Christopher might not, either. And they needed to reproduce. I’d known that since Operation Fugly, when I’d taken out the two in-control superbeings who had killed Terry and Lissa.
You don’t want Mephistopheles to win, now, do you? I mean, all that work, just to wipe out the chances of Jeff and Christopher having kids and doing whatever your master plan here is? I don’t think so, Big Guy. Really, it’s a bad choice for you.
Yeah, focus the greater power on the suffering of others and the master plan, whatever the heck it was. Still figured that was Bargaining. I was great with Bargaining. And Anger. That was a step. Ah, college—how it all came back to me at odd moments.
Kept tumbling while the universe wheel spun. Wondered if the other Kittys in the other universes were feeling dizzy or nauseated right now. Kind of hoped they weren’t. Didn’t seem fair. Of course, none of this was fair. Back to Resentment.
Tried to focus on Jeff again. Heard something now. It was being repeated over and over again. Recognized it—Mi Sh-beirach, the Jewish prayer for healing. Figured my father was handling the asking nicely portion of this event and was glad someone was.
Realizing my parents must know I was floating around in the ether made me angrier. They’d been looking forward to being grandparents, in part because they could then say all the things I’d done the same and differently as my own child. Added this “denied” to my long list.
Heard something else, also being repeated over and over. It was fast—I couldn’t make out the words—but I recognized who was making the sounds. Richard White was the Sovereign Pontifex of the Earth A-Cs, their religious leader. I guessed he was praying, too, but all the beings from the Alpha-Centauri system naturally talked faster than humans could comprehend—they learned how to slow down to deal with humans. Apparently they prayed that fast, too. Richard was Christopher’s father and Jeff’s uncle, and I added him onto the list of people who didn’t need to go through the tragedy of losing me.
This was starting to sound totally self-centered. Didn’t care. Figured if there was ever a time to be self-centered, it was when I was hanging between life and death.
A voice came through. I recognized it as Christopher’s. Come on, Kitty. Don’t give up. Jeff’ll never recover, and I can’t keep him going alone. Where the hell’s the fight in you when we need it? He’d said that to me once before, in a dream.
I’m not letting her go. You take her, you take me, too. We’re supposed to be together, forever. Jeff’s voice. He sounded awful, ready and willing to die.
Fight, Kitty. Reader’s voice. Not scared, urgent. Come on, I know you’re still there. Fight to come back. Yo
u can do it.
Heard something else now. It was music. Not soft, not funereal, not religious in any way, so to speak. It was rock and roll. Rock and roll I happened to love. Point of fact, it was “Nine Lives” by Aerosmith.
I started to laugh.
CHAPTER 14
“KITTY! FOCUS, COME ON, babe, you’re still here, I can feel it. Come on, fight, dammit!” Reader wasn’t shouting but his voice was pretty strong.
“Tim, really, stop blasting that music.” This was from Tito. “James, she can’t hear you. Jeff, you have to let go.” He said this gently. “We need to hurry to get the baby out.”
“No.” I realized someone was holding me and rocking. Recognized the arms and the body as Jeff’s. “I’m not letting her go.” I could tell he was crying.
“Tim, the music,” Tito snapped. “Turn it off.”
“I like the music.” Dead silence, other than Screamin’ Steven Tyler singing. Loved Aerosmith. Nice to hear my boys in between bouts of agony. Felt a contraction. “Am I supposed to be pushing? Or something?”
Bedlam. Always interesting, especially since the A-Cs only went for it when they were both really freaked and not thinking. Of course, from what I could tell, I had a huge crowd of humans in here. Most of whom were male.
“Is every guy I work with staring at my crotch, or am I just imagining that?”
“Out!” Tito sounded pissed again. “Leave the stupid music, fine, but get out of here, all of you, parents included.”
“Hey Mom, Dad?” I called before they left the room. I hadn’t realized they were in the room, probably because the place was so crowded. My father was holding my mother, and they both looked like they’d been sobbing. “Can you get a bassinet? Like fast?”
“Uh, sure, kitten,” Dad managed to say. My mother just started bawling.
“Geez, Mom, they aren’t that expensive.” Heard more sobbing, realized Alfred and Lucinda were there. Martini’s parents were now holding my parents up as they left the room. “One request for a bassinet and everyone goes to pieces. Fine, she can sleep in a Poof bed until I can get to the baby store.”
Jeff started to laugh. “Push, baby. We got a little delayed.”
I pushed. “Why?”
“Uh, you died on the table,” Reader said. I looked over at him. He had a funny look on his face.
“No, I didn’t. I mean, I’m right here.”
“Yeah.” Reader took a deep breath. “Good.” I looked right into his eyes and saw a lot of things, but they all flashed by too fast to remember. He was still holding my hand. “I’m glad you’re back, girlfriend.”
Jeff was kissing my head. He was also close to hysterics, which I’d never seen him get remotely near to before. “Jeff? What’s wrong? Is the baby okay?”
“I think so, yeah.” He clung to me. “Push again, baby. We need to get Jamie out.”
I pushed.
“You’re not pushing hard enough, Kitty,” Tito said. “You have to push, hard, or we go caesarean right now.”
Pushed harder. Did not want the surgery, especially since it was a longer recovery before you could have sex. Jeff laughed again. “I love how you think.” He took my other hand. “Hold onto me and James and really push, baby, hard.”
I did. “I can see her head,” Melanie called.
Did the pushing and straining thing. It wasn’t great but I wasn’t very tired for some reason. “Did anyone give me that thing where the pain gets muted?”
“Epidural, and no.” Tito’s voice was crisp. “Trust me, we don’t have time. Push . . . push . . . Kitty, really, push.”
Did, hard. “By the way, Jeff, this hurts, and to keep the tradition, I’m forced to say that it’s all your fault. You did this to me.” It didn’t hurt as bad as it had before, but, you know, I didn’t want him to miss out on the full Daddy Experience.
Jeff started to laugh hysterically.
“Calm down, Jeff,” Christopher said soothingly. “Kitty, push.”
Pushed harder. “Why is Christopher still in here? I thought only Jeff, Tito, and James were going to see me like this.”
“Let him stay,” Reader said. “Trust me.”
I moved my head to take a look. Christopher was holding Jeff. It looked like he was keeping Jeff upright. They both looked like they were just this side of breaking down. “It’s just childbirth, guys.”
Jeff started back toward breaking down. “Push, Kitty,” Christopher said, snark suddenly on full. “Where’s the fight in you when we need it?”
“Geez, do you ever stop saying that to me?”
“It’s the first time I’ve ever actually said it to you,” Christopher snapped.
“Now isn’t the time,” Reader said. “Kitty, push.”
I did, hard. “I thought only Jeff or Tito were going to say push.”
The room rang out. “PUSH!” Apparently, everyone was going to tell me what to do right now. Fine. Pushed, harder than hard.
“More Kitty, she’s almost here.” Tito was doing something to help, I couldn’t tell what. At least I assumed he was down there doing something helpful.
“Come on, baby,” Jeff said quietly. “One more big push and we get a prize.”
I pushed and felt the baby move out. “Got her.” Tito looked up. “Does Daddy want to cut the cord?”
Jeff clutched me. “Uh, no. Daddy doesn’t want to risk doing anything wrong that could hurt Mommy or Baby.”
Tito shrugged. “Not a problem here.” He did whatever. “Jeff, really, these days, we let the father help with this. It’s fine.”
“Go on. That way you can tell me about it.”
He let me go, slowly, but then hypersped over to Tito. They went off with Melanie to the sink. Reader still had my hand, and Christopher was stroking my forehead while Camilla and Emily did something down in my personal regions I didn’t want to know about. “Good job. Knew you could do it if you tried.” Christopher sounded relaxed, finally.
“My girl can do anything,” Reader said, flashing the cover-boy smile. He kissed my hand. “I’m really glad you’re back, babe.”
Wanted to say I hadn’t gone anywhere, but I was tired all of a sudden. “Yeah.”
Jeff was back, carrying a bundle. A-C hospital beds were nice and large. He sat down next to me. “She’s beautiful. She looks just like her mommy.” He was looking at her and smiling and making all sorts of goo-goo faces.
“Uh, Jeff? Can I see her?”
“Oh! Yeah.” He turned her so I could look at her. Big blue eyes stared back at me out of a little red face. I couldn’t see me in her. I couldn’t see Jeff in her, either. It didn’t matter. I reached for her and Jeff put her in my arms.
“Do I feed her now?”
“Not quite yet,” Emily said, mask off. She looked as though she’d been crying. “What are you naming her?”
“Jamie Katherine.” I thought about it. “She should have A-C and human godparents, wouldn’t you think?” A-C traditions were different from human, but the result was the same in terms of godparents.
Jeff nodded. “Fine with me. You okay with me asking?”
“Unless I’ve missed something, the male side’s still in the room with us.”
“Yeah.” He grinned and looked at Christopher. “You good with covering godfather duties for the A-C side?”
“Yeah.” Christopher sounded like he was going to lose it.
“James?” Jeff looked over. “You up for it?”
“Happy to. More than happy to.”
“We’ll pick the girls later.” I was really tired. “When do we nap?”
“Now.” Tito shook his head. “I know telling Jeff to leave the room will be a complete waste of breath. James, Christopher, you two, however, need to go for now. I don’t want anyone coming in and upsetting Kitty, either. I want her to sleep.”
“You’re all acting like I died or something.”
Jeff’s eyes closed. “You did.”
“You just worry too much.” I yawned. “Ca
n we go to sleep? Unless I’m supposed to feed her now.”
Melanie was over, mask off, also looking as though she’d been crying. “Let’s get James and Christopher out, then I’ll show you how to feed her. She probably won’t want much.”
“Works for me. By the way, Tito? How soon can we have sex again?”
Jeff started the hysterical laughing I assumed was what all new fathers did. I didn’t have a lot of experience with it, after all. Tito just chuckled. “You didn’t tear, so reasonably soon. But not too soon.”
“Jeff, pull it together,” Christopher said quietly. “Everything’s okay now and heading back to normal.”
Jeff nodded. “Only my girl.” He looked like he was contemplating laughing again. Or possibly crying. I wasn’t totally sure. I was tired enough, though, that I decided not to worry about it.
Extra males removed and Tito happy with the results, he and Camilla left. I had a monitor on my wrist, and Jamie had one on hers. Tito and Camilla had the receptors. Melanie and Emily helped us get situated a little better on the bed, did the breastfeeding thing, which was pretty awesome. They left once we got going, leaving the three of us alone.
Jeff stroked the baby’s head. His touch was gentle, but the movements looked deliberate to me.
“Did you implant the blocks for her?” Jamie looked so peaceful I had to assume he had.
“Yeah, just now. I don’t know how effective they’ll be. She’s more powerful than my sisters’ kids. There’s more than empathic in her, too.”
“How can you tell?”
“I just . . . can.”
I yawned. I was even more tired all of a sudden. “Something you learned from that glowing cube thing?”
Jeff stiffened and I remembered something. He didn’t know that I knew about the glowing cube thing. Whoops.