“I have a feeling I’ll have them back really soon,” she said.
“Let’s just say you should wear skirts more often.”
***
The more time I spent with Ava, the more I wanted her. It wasn’t just sexual, sometimes it was just having that intimacy and connection with her that I wasn’t supposed to have as a priest.
Still, I was torn. Until I met her I thought my days of temptation were over. While I couldn't deny how I felt about her, part of me wondered if Ava was just a test of my faith. I was a priest and I would always be a priest. No matter how much I tried to pretend I wasn’t one.
As much as I wanted to continue my dual life of man and priest, I knew I couldn’t. I needed to make a decision. I had to choose between my calling and the woman who had my heart.
~ Ten ~
Ava
Three weeks had past since the day at the clinic that changed everything between Charlie and I. During the day he went to the church or we helped Ramon. At night we had dinner together and slept in each other’s arms.
I was cleaning up after the last of the patients had left, when Charlie entered the clinic. His face was somber and he wouldn’t meet my eyes. My heart sank. He didn’t need to say anything, I expected this day would come.
“Dinner at seven in my room tonight,” he said.
“Okay,” I said, but he was already headed out the door.
I went to my room and pulled out the only skirt I brought with me. I was torn between wearing it again or just going over in my jeans. I couldn’t help but think that it was our last night together and I thought I should look nice. I chose the skirt.
At exactly seven o’clock I knocked on his door. My chest ached as I entered and he kissed my forehead. Charlie was in jeans and a blue t-shirt. I was glad he wasn’t in black.
In the corner was a small card table he must have borrowed from Ramon. On the table were take out containers of food.
“Where did you get dinner from?” I asked.
“I borrowed Ramon’s car and drove to the next town over. Some of the guy’s who have been helping out here told me about a small family restaurant there. They said it’s very good. I thought we should have a nice meal.”
“Before you go?” I asked.
He looked away from me for a moment, but then wrapped his arms around me. As our eyes met, he caressed my cheek with his fingers.
“You have no idea how hard this is for me,” he said. “I want to stay here with you, I want to be with you. But I can’t.”
“Why not?” I asked.
I wanted to understand how he felt and on some level I did. But I didn’t like it and I didn’t want to agree with it. And knowing what his reason was going to be ignited my anger. Without him saying anything I knew I needed to protect myself.
I pushed him away and folded my arms across my chest. I didn’t want to be held by him while he was doing this.
“Let’s just eat and we can talk about it later,” he said.
“No, we’re going to talk about this now. I can’t eat knowing you’re leaving. I can’t sit here and act like you’re not breaking my heart.”
Even though I spoke them, the words stuck in my throat, choking me.
Fuck! I thought. The last thing I wanted was to tell him he was breaking my heart.
“That’s why I have to go,” he said. “I never expected any of this. I didn’t think I would...”
His voice trailed off and he turned from me.
“You would what? Don’t just clam up. You think I don’t know what this is about?”
“Ava.”
As he reached for my hand, his eyes pleaded with me.
“No. Don’t Ava me,” I said, snapping my hand away. “You think what we did was a sin. This isn’t about sin or being damned, this is about you and me. Admit it, you are just a man.”
“I am not just a man, I am a priest.”
I threw my hands up and stormed towards the door.
“No, please, Ava, hear me out.”
His hand closed around my hand and my will crumbled. I blinked back tears as he turned me to face him. He might hurt me, but I refused to let him see me cry.
“You could never understand the call I got to become a priest. It was profound and it changed my life. When I was ordained I promised celibacy and I never had a second thought about it. I knew I could live without sex. What I didn’t know was that I would meet someone like you.
“What I feel for you is more than just sex,” he said. “We have an intimacy that I never understood before. I never felt about anyone the way I feel for you. But it still doesn’t make it right. Ultimately I am a priest. I will always be a priest.”
“So you think this is a mistake?” I asked, ready to fight again.
“No, but I don’t have a choice.”
“How can you say that? You can leave the priesthood. You can do whatever you want.”
Even as I said it I knew it wasn’t who he was. Charlie was a man of his word and he gave his word to God. I didn’t have a chance.
He shook his head sadly as his eyes searched mine. He didn’t have to tell me what he wanted. I knew him well enough to know he wanted me to understand. But I couldn’t. And even if I could, I refused to.
But.
But the more I thought about it, the more I knew he had to leave. I didn’t want to be his second choice. And worse, I didn’t want to be his confession.
“I don’t want to be a regret of yours,” I said. “Just please don’t tell me you regret any of this.”
He held me tight as my tears finally won and spilled down my cheeks.
“I could never regret you. I’ve never been more sure of anything than knowing you belong to me. But I have to go.” He stroked my hair as he let out a long sigh. “I’m leaving in the morning. I thought it was better that way.”
We spent the rest of the evening talking like we always did. He never mentioned leaving and I was happy to push it out of my mind. But as it got later, I stood up to go.
“Please stay,” he said. “It’s our last night together and I want to be with you.”
I nodded. I couldn’t speak, but if I could I would have told him I wanted nothing more than to stay the night with him. As I was standing there, he began undressing me, kissing each part of me as he revealed it.
I loved his touch and the feel of his lips on my skin, but all I could think about was how tomorrow he would be gone.
He took my hand and led me to the bed where he undressed and then laid beside me. He wrapped his arms around me and I held onto him tightly.
I wanted to tell him not to go. I thought about pleading with him to leave the Church and stay with me, but I knew it wasn’t right. I would rather deal with him leaving now, than him later regretting staying with me.
As I looked up at him, he looked at me with sadness in his eyes. I knew it wasn’t an easy decision for him to make, it certainly wasn’t easy to hear. But I loved him more just knowing that he was trying to do what he thought was right. And despite the fact that he was leaving in the morning, I thought he loved me too.
We spent the night in each other’s arms, softly caressing each other, and kissing. Even though neither of us wanted to waste time sleeping, eventually we both fell asleep.
***
I woke to find his side of the bed empty. I pulled the covers up, trying to hide his not being there, but my heart knew better. It ached as it pounded heavily for him. I hated myself for feeling weak when I always thought of myself as strong.
“Are you awake?”
I turned towards his voice as he rose from the chair in the corner.
“I thought you had gone,” I said.
“I would never leave without saying goodbye.”
As he sat on the edge of the bed, I couldn’t help but notice he was wearing his black slacks and clergy shirt. His collar was in place.
I pulled the sheets around me as I sat up and he pulled me closer to him.
“I w
ish I had met you before I became a priest,” he said.
“We would’ve never met if you weren’t one.”
He nodded sadly then kissed my forehead. His eyes met mine and I wondered what he was thinking.
This is the last time I see those pale blue eyes, I thought.
Did he love me? He hinted at it, but he never said the words. And neither did I. Somehow I knew he did just as I hoped he knew how I felt too.
I forced a smile as he stood. I wrapped the sheets around myself as I got off the bed. He bent down and kissed my lips, letting his lips linger. I had to fight the urge to grab him and make him stay.
“I don’t want to leave you,” he whispered, his lips barely touching mine.
I swallowed hard. I knew what I needed to say, I just didn’t want to say it.
“You should go before you miss your plane,” I said.
He kissed me again then put the strap of his bag on his shoulder and grabbed the handle of the other. As he stood in the doorway, he turned back to look at me again.
“I hope you have an amazing life. Find someone who deserves you and will love you as much as...” His voice trailed off and he shook his head. “Just promise you’ll forget about me.”
My throat was tight and tears stung my eyes. I wanted to tell him no, that I loved him and would never forget him. But I thought a lie would be better.
“I promise,” I said.
I just lied to a priest.
***
Although I wanted to finish my assignment in Amaru, each day Charlie was gone made me more sick. My stomach constantly churned and I was nauseous and weak. If it was one of my patients I would have run a complete blood panel on them, but it was me and I knew I was lovesick.
The church now mocked me every time I walked past. And every time I went to my room, I hoped that Charlie would stick his head out of his. After nearly a month of that torture I left a message for my contact at Doctors Without Borders.
“Good morning Doctor Abrams. This is Janice Cronmeyer returning your call. I heard you want to end your assignment, is everything okay?” she asked.
“Yes, I just need a break.”
“Of course. Are you going back to your home base or should I look for an upcoming assignment for you?”
“No, I don’t know to be honest. I haven’t spoken to anyone. I just need to take some time off. I’m going to spend some time at home.”
“It’s hard work being out in the field,” she said. “Maybe you could take a sabbatical.”
Sabbatical. Sabbath. Why did everything remind me of him?
“I’ll look into it,” I said.
“So, if you don’t mind my asking, where is home?”
I don’t know, I thought.
I thought about my parents, but I was ready to pull my hair out after an hour with them. We had moved so much for most of my life that I didn’t know where home was.
My mind drifted to Charlie like it usually did. He was somewhere in New Jersey and for a moment I thought of going there, but what good would it do? If anything I needed to be as far from him as possible.
“California,” I said as I thought about the west coast.
The sun and everything would be a good change for me. I didn’t know how long I would stay there, but I was slowly feeling better now that I had a plan to leave Peru and my memories behind.
If only I had known then how much my life would change in California. It felt like a blink and six years had past. Not a day went by that I didn’t see his pale blue eyes and think about Charlie or wonder where he was.
My life was good and I had never been happier, but whenever I thought about Charlie I missed him. I had a private practice close to the beach and I loved my life, but it was missing something--him. I didn’t know what he would say or do if he saw me, but I knew I had to find him. Life was too short to be without him any longer.
Six Years Later
~ Eleven ~
Charles
I gazed out the window, watching the wind rip through the leaves. It was strange for it to be so windy in July, but it was a welcome change.
I should have been done with my Sunday sermon, but I was having a hard time focusing. The slightest thing distracted me and took me off course. I set my pen down as I gave up and my alarm sounded reminding me to prepare for confession.
All of the local churches still had regular confession hours, but once a month we held them in the old fashioned confessional. Most parishioners avoided the large wooden boxes, preferring to confess one-to-one like therapy. But both at Sacred Heart and St. Peter’s we had those faithful few who still wanted the privacy of the screen.
As I finished buttoning my cassock, I looked out the window again at the breezy day. I pulled on my white surplice, then delicately I picked up my purple stole and draped it around my shoulders. I checked the lengths matched and walked out the door.
Shortly after returning from Peru, I had moved into an upstairs apartment across the street from the church. It was over a small coffee shop that had the most heavenly baked goods. The owner, Evelyn, visited me every day and brought me food despite my telling her I could cook for myself. I sometimes asked how she managed to keep her shop open when there was no one in the neighborhood, but she said she was just happy to have another day to bake.
In the six years that I had been at Sacred Heart things hadn’t improved. The other clergy members and I tried fundraisers, clubs, anything we could think of to bring more interest to the old church, but people weren’t interested in driving there when they had St. Peter’s so close.
It was a shame because the city had once been so busy that both churches had a full attendance at every mass. Nowadays Sacred Heart had two Sunday masses and we were lucky if a dozen people attended.
As I walked down the steps that led outside, I caught a whiff of something that smelled like mango and it reminded me of Ava. It was strong enough to stop me in my tracks. Standing in the hallway, I closed my eyes and remembered every thing about her. Her laugh, her eyes, how the spot in between her eyebrows wrinkled when she was mad, and of course her touch.
It had been six years since I left her in Peru. Six years that I wished I had made a different choice. Not a day passed that I wasn’t thinking about something I wanted to tell her or how I missed her in my arms.
I pushed her out of my mind so I could focus on what I needed to do. I quickly crossed the street and went up the stone steps and went into the church. I hoped someone would come to confession and that the hour wouldn’t be wasted, but I knew from experience that wasn’t likely.
As I made myself comfortable on the wood bench, I wondered what happened to her. I remembered leaving her and making her promise to forget me and I hoped she did. I didn’t want to think of her living a life like mine where I built a wall around my heart. I hoped she found someone who loved her as much as I always did.
Not that I was unhappy, my life as a priest was good at Sacred Heart. I was very involved with the diocese and being able to stay near my family was a blessing. But I couldn’t help but wonder what if.
I made the sign of the cross and closed my eyes for a moment as I spoke to God. Please let her be happy. Please just give me a sign that I did the right thing.
The soft tap of a woman’s shoe caught my attention. I sat up as I patiently waited for her to enter and close the door of the confessional. After waiting a few seconds I slid the panel open, revealing the screen.
I stared ahead at the door as I waited for her to speak. When she didn’t I cleared my throat hoping she got the hint.
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been...” she hesitated. “I don’t know how long it’s been.”
I sucked in my breath and shifted in my seat. I tried to look through the screen. Could it be her? Or did I finally go crazy? The woman sounded exactly like Ava. It had to be her. I wanted to tell her the words I never said before, but I needed to be sure I wasn’t insane.
“I met a man six years ago
and...and I’ve never forgotten him,” she said.
I leapt to my feet and pushed the door in front of me open. I yanked open her door and stared into the confessional. Her hair was wind blown and reminded me of when she woke in the mornings. She was as beautiful as ever.
“Ava,” I said.
As I stepped into the confessional, she stood. My hands cupped her face as my lips closed over hers.
~ Twelve ~
Charles
The warmth of her lips was enough to scramble the words in my head. For years I imagined what I would say if I ever saw her again, instead I couldn’t help but notice that her first words to me were that she broke the promise of her last words.
“You lied to me, didn’t you?” I said with a smile. “All those years ago I made you promise to forget me and you didn’t.”
“I did lie, I had to. I couldn’t be your second choice. I didn’t want you to regret staying with me.”
I kissed her again and her arms wrapped around me. We held each other for a few minutes before I kissed her forehead and raised her chin to look at me.
“Come with me,” I said as I took her hand.
We left the church and crossed the street. In the coffee shop window Evelyn smiled and waved, then closed the blinds.
“Do you know her?” Ava asked.
“She owns the building. I live in the apartment over the coffee shop. I’ll take you one day so you can try one of her cakes.”
“I did just before.”
“You were here?” I asked as I opened the door to the stairway. “I thought I was crazy for smelling your shampoo.”
“Yes, I was standing in front of the church chickening out. It was so windy I decided to go into the coffee shop. Even though I didn't tell her about you, she pointed you out as you went up the steps of the church. How did she know?”
“Evelyn brings me food everyday and we talk. She tells me stories about when she was younger and I tell her about Peru.”
Sinned: A Priest Romance Page 6