by J. M. Briggs
There was more conversation, but Alex didn’t give it much of her attention. Instead, she focused on the soft voices whispering to her. They were quieter today; all of them more subdued. There was a hint of sorrow and regret that seeped into Alex. It was an odd feeling, a sense of smallness and resignation.
“Alex?” Aiden called. He was on his feet and looking at her curiously. “You okay?”
The others were on their feet too. Smiling in embarrassment, Alex put down her coffee and stood up. She was suddenly unsure what she’d missed, but was confident that she’d be informed of any plans.
“I’ll come over this afternoon to work on some more iron,” Alex told Merlin.
“Very well. I’ll have the workshop ready,” Merlin agreed. “Finish packing up your dorms. Morgana is checking out a house for you this week so hopefully, we can move you in quickly.”
Nodding in agreement, Alex let the others file out ahead of her. She lingered by the doorway for a moment as Merlin said a few words to Morgana. She didn’t understand them, but the words echoed in her head and slowly made sense. Arto, Alex realized with a jolt of surprise. That was new. Shaking her head, she went outside and turned over the translated words.
They were worried about her. Nothing surprising there. Alex walked towards her car parked next to Morgana’s. Behind her the door opened and Morgana stepped outside. The older mage hesitated on the porch when she spotted Alex, but forced a smile and started for her own car.
Alex gathered her thoughts and took a deep breath. Now or never. Matt and Eddy were on the road back to Spokane with no idea that anything strange had happened. There was a flicker of regret in her chest that she hadn’t had the chance to hug them again or challenge them to one last game of Yahtzee, but it was too late now.
“Morgana,” Alex said. The older mage stopped and turned back to her. Alex schooled her features into a calm expression. “I need you to take care of something for me while we’re gone. You and Merlin.”
“What is that?” Morgana asked. There was a hint of worry in her voice that Alex dismissed, through Arto didn’t. “Is there something you didn’t tell us earlier?”
“I need you to make my brothers forget about me,” Alex replied.
Stunned was too simple a word. All of Morgana’s usually collected features fell away, her mouth went slack, and utter shock filled her eyes. For an instant, Morgana stuttered. Under other circumstances, Alex would have been proud of herself as vague memories of Morgana in shock throughout their long history played through her mind.
“What?” Morgana asked carefully.
“They aren’t safe.” Alex’s voice was too calm. Yet she didn’t experience the fear that she knew should be filling her chest. “I need you to make them forget about magic and me. Alter their memories and court records. I have my part of the insurance payout already so that’s not an issue. If you can, arrange a new life for them away from me so even Arthur can’t find them.”
“Alex, that’s madness.” Horror filled Morgana’s face.
“No, it isn’t,” Alex said firmly. “Madness is pretending that Arthur isn’t going to go after them. Madness is pretending that I can protect them and the Iron Realm at the same time.”
“Alex, that’s… you told them the truth about magic so they’d understand!”
“Yes, but they’ve lost their parents. I don’t want them living with the fear that they are next. I want them to be able to move on. Believe their parents’ death really was just an accident.” Alex shook her head sadly and looked north towards Spokane. She wondered if she spread out her magic far enough if she’d be able to find her brothers. “I’d do it myself, but I have no experience with changing memories. I hate the idea of harming them, but this isn’t working. Matt and Eddy can’t handle this.”
“I’m not sure they’re the ones who can’t handle it,” Morgana said. Her green eyes were dark with worry and she began to reach for Alex.
“This isn’t grief.” Alex shifted away from Morgana’s hand. “I’m about to go to India for who knows how long. Then what happens? Maybe I finish a semester without a crisis, but school at this point is secondary. I’m the Iron Soul… I’m on call for the rest of my life.”
“Alex, as we told your parents, there is no reason why you can’t live a long, happy and peaceful life when all this passes.”
“Do you think it is going to pass?” Alex demanded. “Really? I remember parts of my other lives now, Morgana. There was sometimes, and only sometimes, one threat. But now there are Old Ones waking, Demons acting up, a Dragon in Wales, a Sídhe invasion, and a hybrid made with my own power all at once. We’re juggling at best and fighting a war on multiple fronts at worst. This isn’t like the other lives. I’m not like other lives.”
They stared at each other. Alex didn’t turn away from Morgana’s sharp searching gaze. The knot ached, but it was dull and distant. This was just one more little hurt to be contained, one more distraction to be kept at bay.
“Just try to make it smooth,” Alex said. “I know I’m asking for a lot in the age of digital records, but Arthur won’t leave them alone. In his position, I’d hurt them or take them hostage.”
There was a long pause. There were questions glittering in Morgana’s eyes. Alex heard the others driving off and waited. Behind them the door of Merlin’s house opened. Alex glanced back to find him watching them and gave him a little wave. Merlin looked like he wanted to say something, but went back into the house.
“Is this really just about Arthur, or something else?” Morgana asked finally.
“It’s a lot of things,” Alex admitted. “Those ghostly figures… they had the faces of people I’ve cared about. I saw Ilse and our mother last night. It… hurt.”
“Our mother?” Morgana repeated, in confusion. “You mean Elizabeth?”
“No, our mother,” Alex said, stressing the our. Morgana made a soft pained sound. “At this point, I probably remember her face more clearly than you do,” Alex said. She didn’t mean for the words to be sharp, but they were. “I see them now. There are glimpses of memories, faces that play in my mind when I sleep. I carry them with me, Morgana. And I’ll carry Matt and Ed with me. But I don’t want to bury them.” The knot twisted. Tears pricked at Alex’s eyes, but she did not let them fall. “There’s already so much pain to live with. I can’t add them to it. I don’t want them dead because they wouldn’t abandon me.”
Morgana reached for her and Alex didn’t pull away. Catching a strand of blonde hair, Morgana tucked it behind Alex’s ear and stared at her sadly. In her head, Arto apologized for the sorrow they were causing her, but Alex didn’t voice it.
“I can’t change your mind, can I?” Morgana’s shoulders slumped in defeat. She pulled her hand back, letting it drop to her side. “I’ll try to make sure that it is possible to make them remember,” Morgana finally said. “So that when you change your mind-”
“I’m not going to change my mind,” Alex insisted. “They’ll have to live with losing their parents, no matter the new story you give them: that will remain just by their absence. At least they won’t have to be afraid of being next, worry about their sister, or resent their sister. They’ll be able to move on.”
“And what about you?”
The answer came too quickly, too easily, and for a moment Alex felt a twinge of worry for herself. Nonetheless, she said it anyway, “I’ll live this life, die, and be reborn without that burden. It doesn’t matter. Not really; not in the grand scheme of things.”
“Not everything is about the grand scheme, Alex.”
“No, but my existence is.”
“This isn’t a good idea,” Morgana pleaded. “I don’t want this for you.”
Smiling softly, Alex leaned down and kissed Morgana’s forehead. Something settled in her chest and the knot eased. This was hard, this hurt, but she’d still have Morgana. Somehow that was comforting. Stepping back, Alex almost said something more but settled for smiling.
“I
’ll speak with Merlin,” Morgana sighed. “He won’t like it, but we’ll do it. While you’re in India, we’ll see what we can do.”
“Thank you.”
Alex turned to her car and pulled out her keys. She was grateful that she’d come here by herself this morning. Opening the door, Alex slid into her driver’s seat and released a slow breath. That had gone better than she had expected. Rather than feeling sad or worried, there was relief. It would be done. She’d miss her brothers, but this was for the best. The engine turned on and Alex pulled away from the curb.
Humming softly, Alex looked in the rearview mirror to see Morgana heading back into Merlin’s house. Her fingers drummed on the steering wheel and she quickly headed back to the university. The parking lot was almost empty and she got a spot close to Gallagher Hall. Alex caught sight of Aiden and Bran heading inside, though Nicki was nowhere to be seen. She waited a few moments before climbing out of her car to give the boys a chance to get inside before she went to her own room.
They’d packed up most of the kitchen stuff and the living room had a stack of boxes waiting for Nicki to take back to her grandmother’s. Some of her things were in the corner waiting to be loaded. Alex paused and looked at the sofa. Then she shook her head. She’d be glad to see the last of this dorm room. There were too many memories of Arthur here. Using her keycard, she unlocked her bedroom door and stepped into her room, closing it behind her with a grateful sigh. Against the wall were a few cardboard boxes waiting for the last of her things.
Sitting down at her desk, Alex rolled her shoulders and opened the photos folder on her computer. She was able to look through the first couple of them with a soft smile. She, her parents, and her brothers were all together by a lake and smiling. Reaching out, Alex touched the screen and allowed a few tears to slip from her eyes. The knot eased and began to unravel. She staggered out of her chair to the bed, collapsing on it with a muffled sob.
It was time to say goodbye. In a few days she’d be in Mumbai, confronting yet another past life and another species. Demons and Shiva were her future. Arthur was still out there, along with his mother, and sooner or later they’d need to deal with the violent Fae who didn’t want peace. Galahad was still on her pillow, and Alex scooped up the little dog as she finally allowed herself to cry.