I don’t understand why he would go to such trouble to come out and see me, call me from overseas, and then never talk to me at all. I hope he’s okay.
But I’m thinking the flame must have just burnt out on his end. We were never meant to be anyway.
“Time for presents!” Susan announces, and I snap out of my glum mood.
There’s no time for feeling sad about Ramsey, when I— and my baby— have a huge pile of presents to unwrap.
“Open mine first!” says Nicki, a friend of mine that I met through Susan.
They’re in the same book club, which I sometimes attend, although I don’t usually have time to read the books. I’ve been participating more often, though, since I’m on semi- bed rest with a lot more reading time.
“I’m sorry but I have to leave early,” Nicki adds. “Due to a prior commitment.”
“No problem,” I tell her, opening the gift bag and tissue paper she’s put in my lap.
It’s a lamp for the baby’s room— nautical- themed, of course.
“Wow, thank you,” I tell her, wondering how she had such uncanny gift- giving skills. I’d been eyeing the same lamp at a store, but hadn’t purchased it yet. “I love it!”
After that, I unwrap so many cute little baby outfits, books and toys, as well as some well- needed items like a bouncer, nursing pillow, and baby wraps.
“I don’t know how everyone knew what I needed and wanted,” I exclaim.
“Well, you’ve only dragged me to every baby store in the city,” Susan laughs. “And I’ve helped you decorate the room. Not to mention, you have several online wish lists you’ve saved items to. So I made note of the things you said you wanted to get, and of everything my investigating was able to dig up, and I made a gift registry for you.”
“You should be a party planner,” I tell her, seriously impressed. “You are so organized and helpful.”
“You know what?” she says, a gleam in her eyes. “I really think that might be a good idea. I could probably work from home a lot, and once Mason is a little older and starts preschool, hopefully the business would pick up and I could be out and about more.”
“I could totally keep watching Mason whenever you need me to,” I tell her. “I mean, I’ll already be home watching this little guy!”
“What are you going to call him?” Trish asks.
“Yeah, any names in mind?” Other guests ask.
“I’m not sure yet,” I tell them.
It’s the most popular question I get asked, mainly because “who’s the father?” isn’t socially acceptable. But those closest to me have asked it, and I’ve seen it written on the face of everyone who finds out I’m pregnant.
Only Susan knows, and I think I’m going to keep it that way. It doesn’t look like Ramsey will be in the picture, so I don’t see the need to mention him.
After I open what I think is the last gift, I see Becky bounce through the door, carrying another one.
“We made a present for our cousin, Aunt Monica!” she says proudly.
Nicki is behind her, carrying Mason.
“Oh my goodness!” I say, kissing the top of her head. Her hair is curled and tied in a bow.
“I had Nicki go pick them up from daycare,” Susan explains. “Becky’s no good at keeping s-e-c-r-e-t-s, so I knew if I tried to bring them with us in advance, it would ruin the s-u-r-p-r-i-s-e!”
“Stop spelling about me and let her open her present!” Becky says, and everyone laughs.
I unwrap the gift, which is a picture frame with seashells glued to it.
“Thank you, Becky,” I say, kissing her, and then Mason. “The baby already has the best cousins ever!”
“I made it!” Becky says, proudly. “The only picture in the baby’s room doesn’t have him in it, so after he’s born, you can take a picture of him and put it in this frame and hang it up next to the other one!”
“That’s so sweet,” I tell her, surprised at how observant she is, although I know I shouldn’t be, by now. That’s just Becky.
“Or you can cut out the picture of the baby and add it to the one you already have of you and Ramsey, and put it in this frame!” Becky continues. “Or if he ever comes back, you can take a picture of all three of you!”
“Becky!” Susan says, and puts a finger up to Becky’s mouth. “Shhhhh.”
I laugh, yet look anxiously around to see if anyone else heard. Luckily, the guests who haven’t left are just chatting with each other and don’t seem to be paying attention.
“I told you she’s no good at s-e-c-r-e-t-s,” Susan apologizes.
“It’s fine,” I tell her. “Becky, I really love the gift you made me. Thank you.”
I turn to Susan. “And thank you for the shower. I definitely have the best sister- in- law ever.”
It’s late, and everyone has left the party. Trish is staying at a hotel in town, and we’ve made plans to get together tomorrow. Susan has put the kids to bed and gone to bed herself. It’s just me— and the baby in my belly— in the nursery.
“Well little Squirt,” I tell him, “We had quite the surprise today. We got a lot of nice stuff. And now Mommy has to put it all away and organize it so it’s ready when you get here.”
I stare at the picture of Ramsey and me on the wall.
It’s about time to stop glamorizing and the past and move on to the future.
I take it down, and replace it with the framed photo my mom sent. I’ll get out my ultrasound pictures and hang one up in Becky’s frame. When the baby arrives, I’ll replace the ultrasound picture with a photo of him and me.
I stare at the photo of Ramsey and me, which seems to have been taken in a different lifetime. When I was afraid of commitment, of big responsibility. And now I’m having a baby. Alone.
It’s funny how things can change so much in such a short amount of time. I know I can’t be mad at Ramsey for not changing just because I have, especially when he doesn’t even know the full story. I just need to focus on the baby now, and not Ramsey.
I rub my belly and say, “You are going to have a great life. I’ll be your Mommy and your Daddy. You have an amazing aunt who will help us out, and two great cousins, too. Everyone is so excited to meet you.”
I pick up the frame and carry it to my bedroom. My intention was to throw it in the trash can beside my bed, but I can’t seem to do that. Instead, I stick it inside the drawer of my bedside table. I’ll find the strength to dispose of it later, so that I can finally be free and move on.
For now, I’m just tired, and happy that my surprise baby shower turned out so well. I close my eyes, and tell myself not to think about Ramsey, as I drift off into a peaceful sleep.
Chapter 33
Two Months Later
It’s been uneventful out here, which I guess is a good thing, but it sure makes time feel like it’s passing extra slowly. To make matters worse, a month ago we were informed that our deployment was extended for another two months, because the local Afghan Army needs more training before we can leave.
Everyone’s morale has been low due to this announcement. Harlow always walks around looking like his puppy just died, bemoaning the fact that he can’t be with Whitney and that they haven’t set a wedding date because for all he knows, our deployment could be extended yet again. The rest of the guys don’t look much better.
I try to console them by saying that we only have one more month left. But I guess the unexpected extension of time and long, boring days we hadn’t anticipated are taking their toll on me as well.
I’ve been having more night terrors. It’s gotten to the point where they’re becoming noticeable. I had one last night in which I thought that our tent was on fire, and I jumped on top of Harlow and then started trying to drag him to safety.
“Ramsey!” He’d hissed through his teeth, as he fought me off. “Stop it! Knock it off!”
He’d shaken me and poured some of his canteen water in my face. I came to, in a huff of breathless fear, and start
ed to say, “What happened?”
But he’d put his hand over my mouth and said, “Shhhh. Just act normal.”
By the time anyone else had woken up and asked us what happened, Harlow told them we’d gotten into a scuffle over whose turn it was to listen to the iPod.
“Well keep it down, fuckers,” someone had said, in the darkness. “We’re trying to sleep.”
“Thanks,” I’d whispered to him.
Harlow knew I had night terrors, and knew they couldn’t be a good sign, but he didn’t really ask me much about them, and I was grateful for that. I was extra grateful that he was protecting me from others finding out.
The good thing was that I’d jumped on Harlow and not someone else. I’m pretty sure they’d kick me out for that, or at least launch an investigation. It was obviously not normal.
The only thing that seems to help decrease the night terrors is listening to that damn soundtrack from Monica. I have not been able to bring myself to delete it from my phone, and I guess there’s a good reason for it.
I’ve been trying not to listen to it but since it could be the one thing that separates me from a return trip home— earlier than expected— I guess I better start getting into the habit again.
I know I should call Monica, too, but at this point I’m afraid it’s been way too long, and that she won’t forgive me. If she even cares enough to be offended in the first place.
I’ve been playing the tough guy game long enough, though, and I make a note to contact her soon, just to let her know I’m okay and that I’m thinking about her. My head always spins around in a million places when it comes to her, but my heart always feels pulled in only one direction: hers. That has to tell me something.
Today we’re running a training session, with some Afghan troops, and it feels like child’s play compared to what we’re used to. Still, I’m tired due to my night terror, which zaps me of energy the next day, and I’m not in the best mood.
We’ve parachuted out of our planes, and now we’re headed down a mountain, only to scale back up again. It seems like a useless training drill, and everyone’s bored.
“Come on, Pipsqueak,” says Jerry, taunting Jim Baker, the runt of our unit, who always lags behind the rest of us.
A favorite pastime for most of the guys in my unit seems to be picking on “Pipsqueak.” I get annoyed by it, but usually I understand where the other guys are coming from. Pipsqueak doesn’t really have the skills or abilities the rest of us have, and I’m not sure how he slipped through training.
“Didn’t your dad teach you how to run?” Brian says, as he slows down to match Pipsqueak’s pace.
“If not, we’re not here to be your fathers,” says Jerry. “You should just go turn in your resignation papers now. Before you get discharged for being such a slowpoke.”
He also slows down, so that he and Jerry are jogging along each side of Pipsqueak. They start taking turns elbowing him, jostling him back and forth between the two of them.
Today, I’m annoyed by their antics. I guess it’s just my general mood. And the fact that they talk about fathers so flippantly. Maybe Pipsqueak doesn’t have a dad. Maybe he died. Or maybe he never did have a dad.
I feel adrenaline pumping through my body, a symptom I know is dangerous but that I haven’t had to deal with in a while. I can almost feel the hair on my body standing on edge, my skin crawling out of my body.
This is where I should back off, shut up. I don’t have my guitar, my MMA instructor. I don’t have Monica, and probably never will. I just have myself, and my own weaknesses.
“Hey, back off,” I tell Jerry and Brian, slowing my pace to get closer to them. “Leave him alone.”
“What’s it to you?” asks Jerry.
“Yeah, why should we?” Brian joins in. “Everyone knows he shouldn’t be here. We’d be better off with that crazy female fighter pilot on our team, than we are with Pipsqueak.”
That does it. I start to see red. I can almost feel most of the logic drop out of my brain, until only blind emotion is left. But I manage to summon a small amount of reason, despite my rage.
She’s not worth it, I tell myself. You’re not even together. She doesn’t want to be with you.
“Whatever.” I shrug, proud of myself for starting to calm down.
“You hear that?” Jerry tells Pipsqueak. “We can do whatever we want to you. No one cares. Not even Responsible Ramsey, who cares about everyone, all the time.”
Brian sticks his foot out and trips Pipsqueak. To my surprise— he’s not the most buff guy, but, I have to hand it to him, he’s pretty light on his feet— Pipsqueak stops himself from falling.
He’s knocked pretty much off balance, though, and in a huff, he says, “Hey! Stop it!”
But Jerry shoves Pipsqueak, up against a boulder. Since Pipsqueak’s already off- center, he falls down, hard, his body landing with a thud on the ground.
All the rage I’d managed to fight off comes storming back— and then some. I don’t even think anymore. I just shove Jerry harder than he shoved Pipsqueak, and soon he’s on the ground next to him.
“What the fuck?” yells Brian, as our entire squad— and some Afghan guys we’re training with— turn around to see what’s going on. “You asked for it, Bradford.”
He runs right into my chest, pounding and flailing, but my rage— and my MMA training— has taken over. I punch him, pummel him, until he’s on the ground, but by that time Jerry has gotten back up and is fighting me next, like the idiot that he can be.
All the bad memories I’ve been storing up inside me come pouring out. It’s like a night terror, but during the day. I must think I’m at war or something, or I’m somehow trying to save my dad. I punch Brian— a bigger guy and better fighter than Jerry— and ward off his punches until I’ve gotten him in a wrestling hold and I’m nearly choking him out.
Harlow and some other guys have to come and pull me off him. Even as I’m being forced to move away from Brian, I manage to land a final, solid punch, and he hits the ground cold, right next to Jerry.
And then I black out. Not from being hit— Brian barely got in a few swings, and I didn’t even feel them— and not from passing out. But my consciousness just shuts down, and I realize I have no idea what I’ve been doing.
When I come to, I’m at the bottom of the mountain and Harlow is asking me, “Are you alright? Ramsey. Are you alright?”
He’s put some water from his canteen onto a towel and he’s rubbing it all over my face and forehead. The sensation of embarrassment and dread feels very much like how I feel after a night terror. Except this is the day time. Training time. War time.
I want to tell him, no, I’m not alright. But no words come out. I don’t know what just happened, and I can barely remember how to talk.
All I know is that I just beat up my team members, who I’ve sworn to protect and support no matter what. What the hell has gotten into me? Who the hell have I become? And what in the hell is going to happen to me now?
Chapter 34
I’m in the nursery, rocking in the glider and reading a romance book. I’ve spent all morning washing, folding and hanging his tiny clothes, and I need a break.
All of a sudden, I feel some low, subtle pains in my lower abdomen. It feels like mild menstrual cramps.
Contractions? I think.
Don’t be ridiculous, I answer myself. It’s far too early.
But still. It makes me think of what lies ahead: labor, delivery, a baby.
Ramsey’s baby. That he doesn’t even know about. And why is my stomach feeling tight and painful like this?
It’s just practice labor, I reassure myself, thinking of the labor and delivery and parenting classes I took at the hospital. I even received a certificate, certifying that I’m prepared to be a parent, I suppose. Or at least to give birth.
Maybe these are the Braxton Hicks contractions they told me about.
A tiny ripple of fear goes through me, and I can’t help but wi
sh Ramsey were with me. The thought makes no sense, since I hadn’t even told him I was pregnant, let alone having his baby.
I think about living a lifetime of secrets: the baby not knowing who his father is, Ramsey not even knowing that he is a father. Or worse, what if Ramsey were to die while he’s deployed, like my brother did?
I suddenly feel regret, and a strong urge to tell everyone everything and let the chips fall where they may. Who am I to decide anyone else’s destiny, just because I thought this was what was best for me, and probably Ramsey too?
How can I deprive my baby of a father? I hadn’t wanted to take the chance that Ramsey wouldn’t be interested in getting to know him, and my baby would have to grow up knowing that his father hadn’t wanted him. But wasn’t I making that possibility a reality by not giving Ramsey the information? Shouldn’t it be up to Ramsey to decide?
I wish I could call him right now. But I don’t have his number. The one time I talked to him, he didn’t seem too interested in having me be able to get a hold of him.
I shake this notion out of my head, before I can let second thoughts take over. I guess a letter will have to do. It will take a while to reach him, but it’s my only option at this point.
I walk across to my bedroom, where I keep stationery and envelopes in a desk. My mother taught me good manners, and I still write old- fashioned letters. Thank you notes mostly, but also just “I’m thinking of you” notes to friends of my parents and grandparents.
Dear Ramsey,
I pause, the top of my pen in my mouth, trying to think about how to tell him. And wondering whether his mail will be read by anyone else but him. The last thing I want to do is get him into trouble.
I guess I’m going to have to tell him in code. Too bad we don’t both know a foreign language.
My mind resorts to the one language we both have in common: music.
There is something I need to tell you. I trust you can figure it out by this musical riddle of sorts. We once lamented that a certain male pop star was the voice of music for a new generation. He sings a song with a rap star who is famous for singing about wanting to do what you’ve been rated a ten out of ten for doing to me.
Sold on Valentine’s Day: A Virgin and a Billionaire Romance Page 30