by Lil Chase
Those are the first words we’ve spoken to each other in a while and we fall back into silence. It’s weird how silence can be quite a good way to bond.
He turns to me and he suddenly goes all shy. ‘So … um … Maya … Do you have a boyfriend?’
Is Luke asking me out?! What should I say? ‘Oh, I did have a boyfriend. But—’
‘Hitachi,’ he says. And when he sees my surprised expression he adds, ‘I saw him on your Facebook.’
‘Oh, yes, well …’ I say. So Luke’s actually been looking at my Facebook page. ‘Well, it doesn’t matter now because we broke up. We were finding the distance too hard to deal with.’ I’m trying my best to sound mature. ‘I’m here, he’s there. I need to move on, you know. I can’t—’
‘Word of advice, Maya,’ Luke says, interrupting me with a cheeky grin. ‘When you pick a photo of a fake boyfriend, don’t use the star player of the England under-21 rugby team.’
‘What?!’ My blushing has turned the air warm.
‘Your Hitachi’s real name is Ginjiro Ito, and he’s an up-and-coming star on the rugby scene.’
I am mortified! He knew I was lying all along. I cover my face with my free hand.
‘You must think I’m such an idiot!’ I squeal through my fingers.
He just laughs. ‘I’ll let you off.’
I shake my head. ‘I was trying to make myself seem cool and I’ve made myself look even more foolish than I was in the first place.’
‘Everyone does it, Maya,’ he says. And he’s being so sweet that I dare to look at him through my fingers. He goes on. ‘We all have secrets.’
‘Even you?’ I ask.
He shrugs and nods at the same time. This is the moment to ask him about whether he’s a bully. Now I can find out about Raphael. I take a deep breath and say, ‘Do you mind if I ask what happened at your old school?’
Luke frowns and I wonder if I have made a mistake. He shuffles and coughs for a second before saying, ‘What did you hear?’
‘Umm, I heard that you beat someone up and put them in hospital.’
‘Oh,’ he says, with a sad sort of smile that I can’t work out. ‘Well, that’s not what happened.’
He didn’t do what everyone thinks he did.
‘So, um, so why do you let people think that?’ I ask, hoping that he is going to tell me about Raphael.
But Luke just shrugs again. He doesn’t say a word and he eats a chip so he doesn’t have to look at me.
‘Tell me,’ I plead. ‘I won’t tell anyone.’
He sighs. He looks at me then back down at his chips, and for a moment I think he’s not going to say anything. But then he says, ‘I didn’t have detention this afternoon.’
With all the stuff going on with Zeba I forgot that he said he had a detention.
‘I was seeing a counsellor.’
He looks at me to see how I’m going to react. Like everyone else, he is scared of what people think. He lies to protect himself too. I wonder if the counsellor is the one who gives him the happy pills.
‘Oh,’ I say, thinking that this is a moment for that less is best proverb that Grandpa uses.
‘Yeah. I went through a lot of stuff last year, and the school thought it would be good if I saw a counsellor to, you know, sort out a few things in my head.’
‘What kind of things?’
‘I don’t know.’ He looks really uncomfortable. ‘Like, maybe, not everything is to do with me. I don’t need to fix the world’s problems by myself.’
‘You were trying to fix me just now,’ I say, ‘when you thought I was bullying Zeba. But I saw you bullying Angus McAllister with my own eyes.’
Luke winces. ‘Yeah, but you didn’t see what Angus did to Amanda Curran.’
‘Huh?’
‘He tripped her up and knocked her books and cello to the floor.’
I do remember that happening, just before we posted that note in her locker, and I remember poor Amanda looked mortified.
‘So I shoved him up against the lockers and told him to apologize.’
I take a deep breath and try to make sense of everything. Looks like I was right: Luke’s a kind of hero.
‘You’re trying to help people,’ I say. ‘But I thought your counsellor said it’s not your job to fix things.’
He looks into the distance. ‘Yeah. And sometimes there are things you can’t help, no matter what you do.’
I seize the moment. ‘Is this something to do with Raphael?’
Luke’s head whips round so fast that I almost fall backwards. ‘What did you say?’
‘Raphael,’ I say. ‘Do you put on this hard-man act to protect him?’
He takes a step towards me. ‘Don’t you dare …’ His eyes narrow. ‘How do you know about Raphael?’
That’s the one thing I can’t tell him. ‘I …’
‘Don’t you ever mention his name,’ he says, his eyes blazing. He throws his chips on the floor.
But I can’t give up now. If I can get Luke to open up then I can help him. ‘I want to fix people too! Tell me about Raphael and we—’
‘I told you not to say his name!’ he growls at me.
But for some reason I’m not scared. ‘Why won’t you tell me?’
Luke opens his mouth to say something … and then he stops … and closes he mouth again. And instead of saying another word, he turns and walks away down the high street.
Chapter 30
I’ve never bunked off anything. And I never thought I would ever bunk off English. But after what happened on Friday night I don’t want to face Luke. Me and Karmella and Roche are in the toilets hiding from the teachers.
‘I love that shade of lipgloss on you, Maya,’ says Rochelle.
I shrug. ‘I felt it was a bright-red kinda day, you know?’ I say.
Karmella laughs. ‘You go, girl!’
I hand Rochelle the lipgloss. ‘You can keep it if you like, I have loads!’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yeah, sure,’ I say, and wave it away as if it’s nothing.
Karmella nods along. ‘Maya has loads of makeup and cool clothes.’ Karmella and me spent all weekend trying on clothes and looking at the secrets and talking about getting me together with Ben. Rochelle doesn’t know about locker 62. We decided it should just be between me and Karm.
‘I’d love to come round some time,’ says Rochelle. ‘If that’s OK?’
‘Of course.’ So this is what cool feels like. Rochelle Jenkins is begging to come over. How brilliant is that? ‘My mum taught me this thing,’ I say. ‘It’s a bit lame but it makes you feel great.’
Both Rochelle and Karmella look at me with interest.
‘It’s called the lipgloss pep talk: you apply the lipgloss,’ I add another coat, looking in the mirror, ‘and repeat the words you want to feel.’ I can’t use ‘Cool is everything’ in front of them. And Frankie’s mantra – ‘Just be yourself and they will all love you’ – is useless. I’ve replaced it with something more effective: ‘Don’t let anyone stand in your way.’
Karmella and Rochelle nod.
‘I love it!’ says Karmella. ‘Your mum is awesome.’
Karmella smiles at me, and in the mirror I see Rochelle has seen us smiling and looks hurt. I decide to include her. ‘We were talking about Mark Nowicki and Amanda Curran,’ I say.
‘Why were you talking about those freaks?’ she asks. It’s amazing how much time Karmella and Rochelle spend insulting people.
‘They reckon they are the hottest new couple,’ Karmella says. ‘Yuck! You can’t turn a corner without seeing them snogging each other’s faces off.’
‘Hideous,’ says Rochelle.
‘That’s what I think,’ says Karmella.
‘It’s disgusting!’ I say. Although secretly I’m quite proud – both of getting Amanda and Mark together and the fact that Karmella and Rochelle are using my word.
The bell goes for break and the three of us walk out of the toilets. We link arms
as we get into the corridor. People have to jump out of the way when we stride through, and they stare at us as we pass.
Ahead of us I see Cassandra Myles talking to a group of her friends. Karmella calls out to her. ‘Hey, Cassandra!’
Cassandra turns round, sees Karmella and smiles at her. Everyone else looks too, wondering why Karmella is talking to Cassandra Myles.
‘Hi, Kar—’
Karmella reaches forward and lifts the hem of Cassandra’s skirt!
Cassandra looks shocked and panicked and tries to hold down her skirt at the front, but Karmella manages to pull it up at the back so her bum’s showing.
‘Put some knickers on!’ Karmella shouts.
Everyone screams with laughter. One boy starts slapping his thighs as he laughs hysterically. I start laughing too, but when I see Cassandra’s face I stop. She’s gone bright red and she looks like she’s about to cry. She runs off to the toilet.
‘Oh my God,’ says Roche. ‘How did you know she wasn’t wearing knickers?’
Karmella taps her nose. ‘A little bird,’ she says. Then she gives my arm a big squeeze.
Beside the door to the playground I see Zeba. She stares at me and Karmella and Rochelle: my new best friends. I turn away from her, stick my head in the air and walk on past.
We walk out to an even bigger audience. There’s a load of boys playing football, but every single one of them stops what they’re doing to look at us.
‘Why don’t you take a picture?’ I say. ‘It lasts longer.’
They pretend to go back to playing football, but really I know they are looking at me – I mean us. I try to walk sexily, wiggling my hips a little as I stroll. And even though Frankie hasn’t spoken to me in over a week, I can hear her words in my head – mysterious and alluring. I’ve finally done it.
The moment’s gone and now we’re standing in the cold with nothing to do. ‘Oh, look, there’s Ben,’ says Karmella, pointing over to where he’s hanging by the goal.
‘He looks so dreamy when he’s watching the ball,’ I say.
‘Careful,’ Karmella says to me. ‘That’s my boyfriend you’re talking about.’
‘What?!’ Did I hear her right?
‘Oh, I forgot to tell you – me and Ben are going out.’
There’s a sudden pain in my chest. ‘Ben Sands? Are you joking?’
‘No, we got together over the weekend.’
But she can’t have. We spent half of this weekend talking about me getting with him.
‘That boy is such a good kisser!’
They’ve kissed!?
‘And you should have seen his face when I said I’d be his girlfriend.’
I swallow back the huge lump in my throat. ‘But … you said … You knew I liked him. You said you’d get me and him—’
‘Come on, Maya,’ she says. ‘I’m not a miracle worker!’
Rochelle laughs.
‘Besides, all’s fair in love and war, right?’
She walks over to Ben and he stops playing and runs over. They snog and I have to look away because it hurts too much.
‘Hi, gorgeous,’ he says to her.
‘Hi, babe,’ she says, and kisses him again.
I’m confused. Karmella’s always said that Ben was too immature. She knew I liked him. And she was upset with Rochelle for doing exactly the same thing with Craig Baker that she’s doing to me right now.
‘What’re you ladies up to?’ Ben asks.
I’m too shocked to speak.
‘Shall we see if anyone’s down the dark path?’ says Rochelle.
There are two huts in the playground, with an alleyway in between them which everyone calls the dark path. It’s a favourite spot for smokers and snoggers. They start walking over and I follow them like an old woman’s shopping cart, sniffing back my tears, angling my face away from them so they can’t see me cry.
We get to the dark path and Amanda and Mark are halfway down there kissing like mad.
‘Oh yuck!’ shouts Karmella. ‘I did not need to see that!’
Mark and Amanda stop kissing and look back at us. And because of Karmella’s outburst a lot of other people are watching us too. Amanda wipes her face with her hand, but she’s grinning from ear to ear.
‘God, Mark,’ says Karmella, ‘you weren’t wrong when you said that Amanda’s kisses are sloppy!’
Mark’s jaw drops and Amanda looks crushed. ‘What did you say?’ she asks.
‘Oh, he was telling me all about your sloppy kisses last week,’ says Karmella. ‘When Rochelle was showing him how kissing should be done.’ Karmella winks at Rochelle.
Amanda steps out of the dark path into the light of the playground. When everyone sees her they all go, ‘Ooooo!’
‘Karm—’ I say. I have to get her to stop.
Amanda frowns at Karmella, then at Rochelle, then turns to Mark. ‘Did you meet up with Rochelle last week?’ she asks Mark.
‘No!’ he says.
‘Errr. Yes,’ says Karmella.
Amanda’s face does the green-pink-green thing, but this time it doesn’t look cute. ‘Did you, Mark?’ she asks again, and from behind her glasses I see her eyes flash with anger. Then her bottom lip starts to tremble.
I dash forward. ‘No, she didn’t really!’ I say. ‘Karm was joking,’ I tell her, hoping to end the joke before it gets out of hand. I turn round to face the school. ‘Only joking, guys. Nothing happened with Rochelle and Mark.’
‘Yeah, right!’ comes a heckle from behind us.
‘I promise, Amanda,’ I tell her.
Amanda looks at Mark.
‘I wouldn’t call a 45-minute snog a joke,’ says Karmella.
I hold my head in my hands as people start laughing and wolf-whistling.
Amanda scowls at Karmella. ‘I don’t believe you.’ Her lip is trembling much worse now and she’s starting to cry. ‘Mark?’
He looks bewildered. ‘She’s lying,’ he says. ‘I swear!’
Ben guffaws.
A girl shouts at Amanda, telling her not to be an idiot.
‘Amanda,’ I start, ‘listen—’
‘Rochelle did you a favour, Amanda,’ says Karmella. ‘She even persuaded him to pluck his nipple hairs rather than shaving them.’ Now Mark’s jaw drops even lower. ‘You should be thanking her.’
The crowd gasps. With this final piece of evidence Amanda runs off. Mark is too shocked to move, not understanding how any of this could have happened. I feel awful. I let Karmella into a secret that I wasn’t even supposed to know myself, and she used it to be mean.
Grabbing Karmella’s arm, I lead her away, and Ben and Rochelle follow. I feel all the eyes on me – on us – but this time I don’t like it. One girl even mouths the word bitch to us as we pass. She’s exactly right.
Billy Beckworth runs over. ‘Hey, Roche,’ he says, ‘what just happened?’
Karmella looks at Rochelle and shakes her head in disgust, but if Rochelle notices she doesn’t let her smile fall.
‘Hi, Billy,’ she says in a dreamy way.
Karmella coughs to remind Rochelle who she’s talking to.
‘Did you really kiss Mark?’ Billy asks, looking hurt. ‘I thought—’
‘Look, Billy,’ says Karmella, ‘we have places to be, people to see. If you wouldn’t mind stepping a good few metres out of the way – and maybe taking a shower once in a while – we’d all really appreciate it.’
My head starts to spin. I think I am going to vomit. How can I make this right?
Billy’s face falls. He frowns at Karmella. ‘No need to be nasty, Karmella,’ he says. And I see that Billy has backbone. More backbone than me. ‘Maybe your friends don’t feel the same way about me as you do.’ He looks at Rochelle.
Rochelle tries to hold his gaze but can’t do it for more than a second. She chickens out and looks at the floor. It turns out Rochelle doesn’t have backbone either.
‘Face it, Billy,’ says Karmella, ‘you’re a div. That’s why everyone calls you
Billy the div.’
Ben laughs.
Billy stares at Karmella. ‘I’d rather be a div than a cow,’ he says.
Karmella straightens up.
‘Hey!’ Ben growls. ‘Watch what you say about my girlfriend.’
Karmella smiles sweetly so I know it’s going to be bad. ‘It’s OK, Ben.’ She turns her head slowly to Rochelle and, still smiling, she asks her, ‘What do you think, Rochelle? Do you think I’m a cow, or do you think Billy is a div?’
Rochelle says nothing for a moment. Billy looks at her. I look at her, willing her to do the right thing and tell Billy she didn’t kiss Mark. Surely, as a friend, Rochelle could ask Karmella not to be so horrible. But now I realize that Karmella’s getting Rochelle back for kissing Craig Baker. Now I realize that this thing between me, Karmella and Rochelle is not friendship. It’s something else. And it’s hideous.
Rochelle raises her head. ‘I wouldn’t be seen dead with a div like you, Billy,’ she says. ‘Now get out of my way.’
Billy says nothing but I can see his heart crumble inside his chest. Just like we made Amanda’s and Mark’s hearts crumble. I have the power of the secrets and I gave it up to become a bully.
As Billy walks away I whisper, ‘I need to go to the toilet. I feel sick.’
Rochelle says, ‘Me too.’
We head to the place where every girl goes when she needs to cry. I can hear Rochelle weeping in the cubicle next to mine.
On the way out I am too disgusted to look in the mirror.
Chapter 31
I’m upstairs in my room. I’m avoiding all calls from Karmella and Rochelle, trying not to think about what we did yesterday. The only person I have left to talk to is my diary. It’s the only place I can say how rubbish I’m feeling.
But where is it? I’m sure it was under my bed somewhere.
‘Maya!’
It’s Gran! I haven’t seen her in ages and I run downstairs and throw myself into her arms.
‘Oof!’ she says as I almost knock her off her feet. ‘What’s this all about?’
‘I’ve missed you,’ I tell her, which is only half of it. Mum hasn’t been her usual chirpy self since the visit to the hospital last week. She’s been all spacey and weird and it’s been freaking me out.