“She is my child, mine and my ex-wife’s. Isabella, cara, why do you think I should have told you? Secrets remember, are only secrets to people involved. There was no reason to tell you before now.”
“Yes, you should have because…” She shook her head, unable to state why he should tell her something that felt so incredibly personal to her, but that, of course, wasn’t connected to her in the least. Until now.
“I’m re-thinking the castello.”
She jerked her head to look at him again, confused at the apparent change of subject. “The castello? What? Why?”
“I still want it for a family home. But I want it for me, for Allegra, for you, for our future children. I want a big family, Isabella. And I want you. It’s all I want now.”
Suddenly the wide scope of her future—as wide and as unfathomable as the Atlantic—had just closed in on itself. Even if she could come to terms with the fact that Luca had a child, it was impossible. What he wanted from her was impossible. She’d meant it when she’d referred to her scars as not being superficial. The broken tissue traveled deep within her body, damaging her organs, her tubes, her hope of ever having another child.
CHAPTER TEN
“Don’t do this.”
But his plea hung in the air between them, not reaching her. He watched her retreat before his eyes.
First her eyes: like a shutter drawn down silently, a veil fell across their grey depths. Then her arms: pulled into her body, her shoulders stiff as she turned away from him and finally her hands automatically smoothing her hair from her face, twisting its loose length into an unbound ponytail before hesitating when she realized she had nothing to bind it and helplessly letting it fall down her back in a twisted skein.
“Don’t do this, Isabella.”
But she didn’t look at him. She started to walk to the window, her face silvered on one side by the light, but he caught her hand, insisting she stay but she didn’t turn around. Simply stood, one hand helplessly held by his.
“You’re leaving me already, Isabella. Don’t do this again. You must tell me what you’re thinking.”
She shook her head, pulled her hand from his loose grasp and moved away. He rested his forearms on his legs and looked down at the wooden floor briefly, trying to work out what the hell he could do to make things right again.
“You know why I didn’t tell you about Allegra.”
“But I don’t know why your grandmother didn’t.”
“Because I didn’t wish her to.”
“And so she never saw her?”
“Yes of course she did. She came to visit at our home in Como and the US.”
“Of course.”
“I know it’s a surprise, but I have a past. I have seven years when you weren’t around.”
“I know that.”
“It’s more than that, isn’t it? Tell me, Isabella.”
She cleared her throat. “There’s nothing to tell. You want a family home I’ll make sure you have one.”
“That’s only half of it. What about the other half? What about being with me.”
He stood up and walked behind her, his eyes taking in every inch of her hair, her body, its slight tremor, the tension in the shoulders.
“We came here to get away from the past. Leave it at that, Luca.”
“We’re not talking about the past now. We’re talking about the future.”
“Not now.”
There were a million things he could say, a million things he wanted to do to slam through her evasiveness. He reached over to her but there was something in the way she turned her head slightly that made him stop. The early sun caught her cheekbones, casting her face in shadow: a shadow that was also present under her lashes and under the line of her jaw, a shadow that he felt, now, he’d never remove. He wanted to physically tear at it, destroy the shadow from her that refused to leave. He could do anything, he had done everything, except have the one thing he wanted more than any other.
“OK.” He shifted away from her, his frustration increasing as he watched her relax. She hated confrontation. He knew that was the way with her. Nothing he could say or do would bring her round. She had to do that on her own. But he wasn’t going to give her up without a fight.
“Why don’t you go and get ready? We’re due in New York shortly.”
“I have meetings booked, but not till later. What do you have planned?”
“I’m meeting Allegra off the plane from Australia. And, cara, I would very much like it if you were there too.”
She shook her head.
He felt the anger mount inside him. His daughter, his lover. He wanted them to meet; he wanted them together. “Why not?”
“I have meetings planned. What about them? What about work? And there are the art galleries, the Museum of Modern Art, meetings with architects and designers I’ve booked.”
He curled his fingers into his palms, the nails biting into his flesh. He had to be calm. “Unbook them.”
“That would be unprofessional.”
“Isabella!” There was a world of frustration in his exclamation. A world of hope exploded, of future, fragmenting. He took a deep, shuddering breath. He had to make her see how important this was to him. “It’s my daughter we’re talking about. I want you to meet her.”
“Well I don’t.”
“I see.” And he did. The look of her, chin tilted up obstinately, eyes glittering with defiance, took him directly back to meeting his stepmother for the first time. He’d been Allegra’s age. He’d been as vulnerable as Allegra. He wouldn’t let what happened to him, happen to Allegra.
“Right. You need time. I understand.” He looked up into eyes that doubted him. He nodded his head. “I do understand. But I also need you to understand something. Allegra will be coming back here this evening and you will meet her. And when you do, you must not hurt my daughter. She,” he turned away briefly, trying to contain his pain, “she must not be hurt.” His heart was pounding with anger so that he could hardly speak and also something he was not used to feeling—fear. He looked up at the ceiling and took in a deep, jagged breath. Then he looked at her again. “You wondered, once, where I was vulnerable. You’ve found it.”
He turned to leave.
“Where are you going now?”
“Asking out of curiosity?”
She nodded.
“To shower, to dress and then to the zoo, cara. Nothing underhand, nothing designed to make you uncomfortable. The zoo.” He hesitated one more moment, glanced at her but saw an impenetrable wall. He’d had a chance and he’d let it slip through his fingers. “I’ll see you back here later. I’ll organize a car to take you where you need to go—where you prefer to go.”
He slammed the door behind him and entered the guest suite. He flicked the shower on full and got under it before the icy blast warmed up. He hardly felt the cold water slam against his body, he was so angry.
He understood her confusion. She needed time. But his understanding didn’t eclipse the fear he felt for his daughter. It was OK for Isabella to be mad with him. It was OK for Isabella to ignore him. But it wasn’t OK for her to treat his daughter how he himself had been treated as a child. He’d never seen any similarities between Isabella and his stepmother before but they were as clear as daylight now: neither wanted anything to do with a kid that was not their own. The reasons might be different but the effect was the same and he wasn’t having it with his child.
Luca watched as Allegra raced around the zoo in a hyper state of jet lag. He willed himself not to run to her, not to pick her up in his arms and hold her close. And he didn’t. That wouldn’t help her. But he could watch over her.
While his ex wife had disappeared into her new life with her new husband apparently without a qualm, he didn’t feel so easy about Allegra. Although he knew that the staff he’d hired to watch his daughter were second to none, while she was with him, he’d be there for her, watching her. The doctors had declared that she’d made a st
unning recovery, but still. What if it happened again?
“Papa!” the girl slammed into his arms and he lifted her high in the sunshine, feeling his love for her flood his body.
He gave her a bear hug. “How are you feeling, carina?”
The girl grimaced at the question and wriggled away again. “Fine. Just wondered—”
Luca ruffled her hair looking into her eyes to see if she really was well. “What did you wonder? About the snakes? I know nothing other than the Riccioli’s snakes of Italy that I used to roast on a fire.”
“You ate them?”
Luca nodded. “Sort of. I pretended to eat them in front of my friends.”
“Cool. No, what I was wondering is, who’s that lady over there who’s watching us.”
Luca turned quickly to see Isabella standing in the shade of some trees trying to appear inconspicuous and failing. Elegant and beautifully dressed as always, she looked as if she should be on a model shoot, not in the zoo.
He let Allegra slip down from his arms but wrapped one arm possessively around her shoulders. “That’s my friend, Isabella.”
Isabella had been struggling to contain the confusion of feelings at the sight of Luca with the small girl but, as soon as he turned and caught her eye, she knew she no longer had the luxury of distance. She began walking toward them, her courage strengthening with each step until the girl looked up at her and smiled—Luca’s smile. She stopped in her tracks.
She’d wondered how she’d feel when she met her. But, watching the small girl run and jump into Luca’s arms, she congratulated herself. The hurt was still there, but it was numbed by the tight grip of her control. She felt its extent but not its sharp, probing pain. She smoothed the wrinkles out of her skirt.
She purposely didn’t look at Luca as they approached to meet her half way, scared he’d undo her focus.
“Allegra, this is my friend Isabella. Isabella, Allegra.”
Isabella extended her hand and noticed the brief look of confusion when the girl stopped both her arms from rising to accept a hug and instead thrust a hand forward. Allegra’s hand was lost in hers as she gently squeezed it in greeting.
“Lovely to meet you, Allegra.”
“And you, Signore Isabella.”
Her accent was a gentle Australian-American blend. Isabella felt a rush of warmth that she instinctively countered with fear and stepped back abruptly. Embarrassed at such a public display of her private confusion she looked at Luca. He’d noticed but had stepped toward his daughter and swept her in his arms so that, even if Allegra had wondered at her abruptness, it would have only been for a second before she was lost in the moment with Luca. From behind Luca, Isabella saw an expression of pure, wide joy fill Allegra’s pale face.
Luca turned away from Isabella, still with Allegra in his arms and strode across the courtyard to look at an animal enclosure.
He didn’t wait for Isabella who followed helplessly behind. He hadn’t even bothered to ask her why she’d come when she hadn’t wanted to. Didn’t he guess she’d realized what a mistake she’d made? She’d been shattered by the revelation that Luca had a daughter. But she was Luca’s daughter and Isabella wanted to meet her. She halted in the shadows surprised once more at how mature Allegra looked for her age. She’d assumed Allegra had been born some years after he’d left her and when she’d first seen her from a distance, she’d been struck by how much older she was than she’d imagined—until she’d got close and had been reassured. She was slight, couldn’t have been more than five years of age. But her eyes held a maturity that puzzled. Some kids were like that, she supposed. She took a deep breath. She could do this, so long as she stayed removed.
The zoo was baking hot. Isabella brushed back the stray hair that clung to her face and held onto the jacket that lay sweatily over her arm. Allegra, who seemed to have taken an obstinate interest in her, tugged her arm.
“And what’s that?”
“An Asp Viper.”
“Cool.”
“Yes, indeed. They’re cold blooded which means their body temperature adapts to whatever the surrounding temperature is.” At last something she could talk about other than feelings.
Isabella knew Luca was watching her. She couldn’t sense whether he was amused or still angry with her. Possibly both.
“That’s very informative, Isabella. I had no idea you were such an authority on snakes.”
They fell into step as Allegra ran to the next enclosure where her Nanny waited for her. “One remembers what one’s interested in. I’ve always loved animals.”
“And yet you have no pets.” He stopped and stood directly in front of her. “Tell me, why is that? Why is it you block out anything you love from your life? Is it a habit or a deliberate defense mechanism—make sure nothing gets through to you?”
“You don’t need to own something to have an appreciation of it.”
He didn’t move but Isabella stepped round him and walked over to Allegra who, this time, looked up at her with an eager smile.
“What’s this?” Allegra wasn’t even looking at the animal. Isabella knew she simply wanted to continue the connection she’d made with her. But she couldn’t bridge the gap physically between them. Allegra represented everything she’d lost.
“It’s a Snow Monkey from Japan. And you see the mother over there. She’s the one in charge of them all—males included.”
Luca sat back on the bench and watched them circumnavigate the monkey enclosure. She looked like a teacher, he thought absently. Suddenly Isabella looked up and caught Luca’s eye and he felt the same shot of adrenalin he felt whenever he looked into her eyes, into her heart. That was why she averted them so often.
He wanted to stay angry with her. He didn’t want her to reject Allegra or have any negative effect on his daughter. But he suddenly understood she was doing her best. Whatever was eating into her, she’d cut her appointments short and come to find them. She was trying to relate as best she could to Allegra.
He gestured for her to join him. She came and sat beside him on the bench.
“Perhaps I should go. I’m interrupting your time with Allegra.”
They watched Allegra drop the wrapping of an ice-cream into the waste-bin. She’d obviously found something enthralling about the waste itself and she gazed intently into its dirty depths. They both smiled.
“I want you here and Allegra seems to be enjoying your company, despite your reserve, or perhaps because of it. My ex wife was too much the other way.”
Isabella raised her eyebrows briefly. She hadn’t imagined his ex wife like that. In fact she hadn’t imagined her at all. She’d drawn a veil over his ex in her imagination.
“Bad luck you’ve gone from one extreme to the other.”
“Si.” He smiled.
They both laughed as Allegra tried to surreptitiously push her much-despised sunhat in the bin. Her nanny was beside her in a moment and retrieved it but before it could be placed back on her head the girl had flung herself on the ground, laughing and rolled down the grassy bank of the picnic area.
“She’s like her father, too charming for her own good.”
“My charm doesn’t seem to work on you.”
“You’ve no idea.”
He shook his head. “No, where you’re concerned I haven’t. I don’t understand you. One minute you’re so hot and engaged, the next an ice-queen. Stop living in the past, just stop it. Trust me and be with me—and with Allegra.”
Isabella looked at the young girl whose blonde hair was now spiked with dried grass, the picture of happiness, of naturalness, of what might have been.
“I can’t make you happy, Luca. I really can’t.”
“I think I should be the judge of that.”
The tension was broken by the slapping sound of sandals on the hot path and a whoosh as the little girl landed on her father’s lap, her feet kicking up in the air above Isabella’s lap.
“Ready?’ Luca looked across at Isabella who
smiled.
“Ready.” Isabella grabbed Allegra’s feet while Luca slipped his hands under her arms and they took the wriggling, giggling girl to the top of the slope and rolled her down.
Isabella looked across at Luca smiling down at his daughter and felt the warmth that was in his eyes enter her, seep slowly into her veins, and flood through her body before she could stop it. But she discovered she didn’t want to stop it this time.
It was late and Allegra was tucked up in bed—snug and warm and content: her teddies in a row beside her, except for one, that was barely recognizable, scrunched in her hand.
“Thank you for showing me the animals.”
Allegra’s voice was sweet and persuasive but Isabella swallowed back the impulse to go to her. It was still too soon. She couldn’t create unrealistic expectations for the child.
“It was my pleasure.”
“Give Isabella a kiss goodnight, Allegra.” Luca said from the doorway.
Allegra shook her head. “No. She doesn’t want me to and I don’t mind. Other women are grabby, but she’s not. She’s nice.”
Isabella squeezed the girl’s hand, brought it up to her lips and kissed the back of her hand lightly. “Goodnight, princess.”
The little girl pursed her lips in a parody of formal politeness. “’Night, contessa.”
The last image of Allegra as they partially closed the door behind them was a contented wriggle and eyes closing under the soft glow of a nightlight.
The beach house with its pure, hard lines and austere beauty was now a home, filled with a child’s paraphernalia. Luca slipped his arm around Isabella’s shoulders as they walked past the wall of artworks and the floor to ceiling windows that overlooked the darkening ocean.
“You’ve a beautiful daughter.”
“Umm, she looks like her mother.”
Isabella swallowed the stab of jealousy. “No, I mean her nature. She’s very sweet.”
“That definitely doesn’t sound like her mother.”
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