Mom In The Making

by Carla Cassidy

  Her chest tightened at his words. “Like you’d ask me to stay,” she said with forced flippancy.

  “Like you’d stay,” he returned.

  For a moment he appeared angry, and a yawning hollowness ached in Bonnie’s chest. This wasn’t a game any longer, and it wasn’t fun.

  This time when she turned and walked away, he didn’t stop her. “Damn, damn, damn!” Bonnie swiped angrily at the tears that trickled down her cheeks. Why hadn’t she left before her heart had become so involved? Why hadn’t she run before the hurt had begun?

  She’d always been so good at escaping her feelings, drowning her pain in frivolous pleasures and exciting adventures. But she had a feeling this particular heartache would be difficult to bide from, impossible to get past.

  The moment she received the check, she should have packed up and left, stolen away like a thief in the night. She should have never promised Brenda Jo she’d stay until the end of the week.

  Having to see Russ the next couple of days would be sheer torture. His image was burned into her brain—the dancing brown of his eyes, the provocative cleft in his strong chin, those lips that made her feel so desirable. Drat him for making her fall in love with him.

  Why had he asked her if she’d consider staying in Casey’s Corners? She frowned thoughtfully. Did he want to complete the lovemaking they hadn’t finished? Probably. And even if he felt more for her than just physical lust, it didn’t matter. She simply loved Russ too much to attempt any kind of long-term relationship with him.

  By the time she got back to her sister’s house, she had her emotions firmly under control.

  “Did you have a good day?” Carolyn greeted her in the kitchen, where she was busy fixing dinner.

  “It was all right,” Bonnie said. “Although the air conditioning at the station is on the blink. So we all suffered the heat the entire day.” A smile curved her lips as Trent and Brent teetered across the floor to her, hands outstretched in welcome. She got down on her knees and opened her arms to them, laughing as they slobbered kisses on her cheeks and babbled as if telling her about their day.

  “They’re going to miss you,” Carolyn said.

  Again Bonnie’s heart squeezed convulsively. She nodded and embraced the two little boys, hiding her face in the sweet hollow of Brent’s neck. Oh, she was going to miss them, too. They would hold a piece of her heart when she went away. By the time she left there would be so many pieces of her heart in Casey’s Corners, she wondered if any of her heart would remain for her to take with her.

  Giving the boys each a final kiss, she stood up. “Is there anything I can do to help with dinner?”

  Carolyn shook her head. “No, I’ve got it all under control. The chicken and wild rice is in the oven baking, the salad is in the refrigerator and the green beans are warming on the stove. How about a glass of wine before Beau gets home and we eat?”

  “How about a whole bottle of wine?” Bonnie countered, half serious.

  “Having second thoughts about leaving?” Carolyn asked.

  Bonnie was surprised at her astuteness. “No. I have to leave.” She murmured her thanks as Carolyn poured her a glass of white wine. “I have no other choice.”

  Carolyn poured one for herself, then joined Bonnie at the table. “Why do you have to leave? Why can’t you stay here? Make a life for yourself here?”

  “I just can’t.” Bonnie took a sip of the wine, wishing the cool, dry taste could wash away the taste of grief. She stared at Carolyn for a long moment. “I’m in love with Russ.” The words escaped from her without her knowing she was going to say them. She instantly regretted them. She’d hoped to escape without anyone discovering what was in her heart.

  “I suspected as much,” Carolyn said, unsurprised by Bonnie’s pronouncement. “But why do you have to leave? Do you know how Russ feels about you?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “What do you mean, it doesn’t matter?” Carolyn exclaimed, her eyes darkening in confusion.

  “Even if he loved me, I couldn’t stay...wouldn’t stay.” Bonnie took another sip of her wine, aware of Carolyn’s perplexed stare. “Caro...face it. What kind of a wife could I be? What kind of a mother would I make?” She forced a light laugh. “I’d screw it all up.” She swallowed hard. “I always screw everything up.”

  “Bonnie, look behind you.”

  Bonnie frowned. “What?”

  “Look behind you,” Carolyn demanded. Bonnie turned, gazed around in confusion, then back at her sister. “Bonnie, nobody is there. Nobody is chasing you. Nobody is making you run.” Carolyn sighed in frustration. “Oh, Bonnie, I wasted so much of my life trying to be what Father thought I should be. I hate seeing you do the same thing.”

  “I’m not wasting time trying to be what Father wanted me to be,” Bonnie protested.

  “No, you’re spinning your wheels being exactly what Father said you were for years.” Carolyn reached out for Bonnie’s hands and gripped them. “He was wrong, Bonnie, and now he’s gone. If you love Russ, tell him. Get on with your life. Take control of your happiness.”

  “You just don’t understand,” Bonnie protested. She drained her wineglass and stood up. “Do I have time for a walk before dinner?”

  Carolyn nodded, still troubled. “But, honey, you can’t walk fast enough to escape what’s in your heart.”

  Bonnie didn’t reply. None was necessary. With a small wave, she left the house and started up the sidewalk. She had no destination in mind, only a need to walk off the ache in her heart and the confusion Carolyn had stirred.

  Carolyn just didn’t understand, couldn’t relate to, the fear that boiled inside Bonnie at the thought of reaching out to Russ. What if she told him she loved him and he laughed? What if she told him she loved him and he didn’t laugh? She didn’t know which would be worse. Ultimately she refused to risk it; she had to leave town.

  Drawing in a deep breath, Bonnie picked up her pace even though she knew Carolyn was right: she couldn’t outrun her heartache.

  Russ walked into the station and plopped down at his desk, frowning at the mound of paperwork that awaited him. He looked at his watch. Just after eight o’clock. Within an hour all the businesses along Main Street would be closing down for the night, and the streets would empty as well. He eyed the paperwork again. He really should try to tackle some of it while things were quiet.

  Searching for a pencil, he pulled out the top drawer of the metal desk. Finding nothing to write with, he opened the next drawer, frowning as he spied the pieces of the broken figurine Bonnie had bought with her first paycheck. He’d meant to get her another one and had forgotten all about it.

  Picking up the fragments, he wondered how much time she had spent shopping for that particular item. It looked like Beau and Carolyn, had obviously been chosen with thought and love.

  His heart thudded in sudden apprehension. He loved her, and he couldn’t let her leave town without at least telling her what was in his heart. He looked at his watch once again, knowing the next two hours would be agony. He didn’t want to wait until tomorrow to tell her how he felt. It was bad enough he had to wait until he got off duty.

  Just as he’d suspected, the next two hours crept by. Concentrating was next to impossible unless he concentrated on Bonnie. She filled his heart, pervaded his soul. When he had first met her he hadn’t been able to imagine a life with her. Now he could not imagine himself without her.

  He jumped up from his desk the minute his replacement deputy appeared. Grabbing his car keys, he waved a quick goodbye and headed out the door.

  As he drove to the Randolf house, he tried to imagine how Bonnie would respond to his avowal of love. It was impossible to conjure up her reaction. If he was around her for fifty years, he had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to read her mind. But somehow that only made him love her more.

  He parked in front of Carolyn and Beau’s house, disappointed to see the house dark; everyone was apparently already in bed. He turned o
ff the engine, trying to decide what to do. He didn’t want to disturb Beau and Carolyn, nor did he want to put off talking to Bonnie until tomorrow. Now that he had decided to tell her he loved her, he didn’t want to wait another minute.

  Conceiving of a way to get around bothering Beau and Carolyn, he got out of his car and approached Bonnie’s bedroom window. He just hoped she didn’t mistake him for another burglar and stick him with a butcher knife. He could just see the headlines of the morning paper: Deputy Gasps Final Words Of Love To Lover Who Stabbed Him. Oh, the town gossips would have a field day.

  He hesitated outside the window, wondering if he was about to make a total fool of himself. It didn’t matter. Better a fool who tried than a fool who didn’t. The window was open, and he wasn’t sure if he could actually smell her spicy perfume wafting out or if it was just his imagination.

  “Bonnie?” he whispered through the screen. He heard a swift intake of breath, then the rustle of bed sheets.

  “Russ?” She appeared at the window, her hair tousled. “What are you doing out there?”

  “I need to talk to you. Will you come out?” He held his breath, wondering what he would do if she said no. He needn’t have worried.

  “Meet me at the back door,” she said, then disappeared from his sight.

  Russ moved cautiously around the side of the house. Just as he hadn’t wanted Bonnie to think him a burglar, he wasn’t eager for Beau to make the same mistake and confront him with a gun. He reached the back door and waited, fear and hope creating a nervous jumble inside him.

  She came out of the back door, a vision in her blue silk nightgown and matching robe.

  “Is something wrong?” she asked worriedly as she quietly closed the door behind her.

  The moonlight was full, stroking her face with its silvery hues. Her eyes were luminous and he thought she had never looked lovelier. For a moment his tongue twisted and the words he longed to speak were trapped inside.

  “Russ?” Her hand reached up to her throat. “Is...is it about Sam? Have you heard something else?”

  Realizing he was frightening her, he quickly shook his head. “No, it’s nothing like that. This is about you... about us.”

  “About us?” She frowned, taking a step away from him.

  “Bonnie, I don’t know how it happened—I can’t tell you when it happened—but somehow I’ve fallen in love with you.”

  She stared at him in horror, and for one terrible moment Russ thought she was going to press her hands over her ears to block out his words.

  “You’re mistaken,” she said flatly, not looking at him.

  “I’m not mistaken.” He took her by the shoulders, but still she refused to meet his gaze. “Listen to me carefully. I am hopelessly, desperately, in love with you.” He caressed the silk material at her shoulders. “Don’t leave Casey’s Corners. Stay and share my life...be my wife.”

  She raised her face and gazed at him, and in her eyes he saw his love reflected back to him. It was there only a moment, then gone, replaced by brittle amusement.

  “Russ, honey, you’re mistaking a good old-fashioned case of lust for love.” She reached up and patted his cheek. “Don’t worry. Lust is sort of like the flu—eventually it will pass.”

  He grabbed her hand. It was cold, and trembled slightly. “Bonnie, don’t do this. Don’t try to belittle my love. It’s real, and it’s not going to go away. I love you, Bonnie. Nothing is going to change that.”

  “And nothing is going to change the fact that I’m leaving Casey’s Corners.” Again the dullness was back in her voice and her eyes wouldn’t meet his.

  “Tell me you don’t love me,” he demanded. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me.”

  She twisted out of his grasp and stepped away from him. “It doesn’t matter,” she cried. “It doesn’t matter whether I love you or not. Russ, we’re too different. We’d end up hating each other before all was said and done. I’m not wife material. I’m not mother material.” She turned back toward the house. “I’ve got to go.”

  Once again Russ stopped her, refusing to let her walk away from him, walk away from his love. “The wife I want is a woman who is unselfish enough to buy a present for her sister and brother-in-law with her first paycheck. The woman I want to spend the rest of my life with is strong enough to go to a funeral home to identify the body of her brother, and she knew just the right words to say to a hurting little boy.” He swiped a hand through his hair in frustration. “Bonnie, stop running. Isn’t it enough that your brother is on the run? Stay here... make a life with me, with Daniel.”

  Her eyes shimmered with the burden of unshed tears. “I can’t, Russ. Don’t you understand? I’d only let you down. You’re a briefs kind of guy and I’m a boxers kind of woman.” There was a solid finality in her tone.

  Russ’s heart thunked to the pit of his stomach and pain turned to anger. “Okay, Bonnie...run away and keep on running. But let me tell you something. You are a fake.” His words were clipped, concise with the anger and frustration that boiled inside him. “You pretend to be an adventuress, but you’re walking away from the biggest adventure of your life.” He reached out and wrapped her in his arms, not giving her time to protest.

  Instead he claimed her mouth in a fiery kiss that left no doubt of his love. It was a hungry kiss, demanding response, and for a moment she reciprocated, her mouth opening in sweet surrender.

  With a tearful groan, she pulled away from him. “Goodbye, Russ,” she whispered, then raced to the back door and flew inside.

  “Damn!” Russ exploded, fighting the impulse to bang on the door and insist she come out again. Surely if he talked long enough, hard enough she would realize they belonged together. He expelled another sigh of frustration. To hell with it. To hell with her. If she could live with the heartache, so could he.

  By Friday morning, Russ realized he was only fooling himself. He couldn’t live with the heartache. He didn’t want to live without Bonnie. He sat at the kitchen table, watching dawn break over the horizon, knowing that today was the day Bonnie would walk out of his life forever.

  The past couple of days had been strained between the two of them. They’d barely spoken and when they had it had been in the tones of polite strangers. Russ had wanted to scream at her, curse her...somehow force her to stay.

  He turned as Daniel stumbled into the room. “Hey, sport, what are you doing up so early?” he asked.

  Daniel shrugged and slid into the seat across from Russ. “I just woke up and decided to get a drink of water.” He eyed Russ curiously. “What are you doing up so early?”

  “Just thinking.” Russ got up and refilled his coffee cup, then sat back down at the table.

  “Thinking about what?”

  “Oh, stuff,” Russ answered vaguely.

  “Love stuff?”

  Russ looked at his son in surprise. “Maybe. How did you know that’s what I’m thinking about?”

  “Mrs. Garfield said you were having love trouble with Bonnie.” Daniel tilted his head quizzically. “Do you love her?”

  Russ sighed, realizing the town gossips had been busy—he and Bonnie were obviously an interesting topic. “Yes, I do,” he answered his son honestly.

  “Are we gonna marry her?”

  Again Russ gazed at Daniel in surprise. “Do you like her?”

  “Sure. She’s okay... for a girl.”

  Russ knew it was the highest compliment his son could make. “No, Daniel, it looks like we aren’t gonna marry her,” he answered, irritated at the despair that rang hollowly in his own voice.

  “How come?”

  Sighing in frustration, Russ raked a hand through his hair. “I want to, but I think Bonnie is afraid.” He stared thoughtfully at his son. “She’s afraid we’ll get married and somehow I’ll stop loving her, I’ll leave her.”

  “Doesn’t she know you love her unditionally?”

  Russ gazed back out the window, where the sun now appeared fully above
the horizon. Time was wasting. She would be up soon, packing her bags, getting ready to leave. “I don’t know, sport. Maybe she needs to hear it one more time.”

  He knew she loved him. He knew it from the way she looked at him, the way she responded to his touch, his kiss. So why was she turning her back on her feelings? Knowing he had to do something, he jumped up and went to the telephone, quickly asking Mrs. Garfield if she could sit with Daniel for a little while. As he hung up, a plan began to formulate in his head. Bonnie wanted a wild and crazy boxers man. That’s exactly what he intended to give her.

  Bonnie stood at her bedroom window, watching the sunrise. Sleep had been nearly impossible the past few nights and her heart was heavy as she realized this would be the last time she would watch the sun shine on Casey’s Corners.

  Oh, eventually she might return to visit Carolyn and Beau and her two beautiful nephews, but it would never be the same.

  The next time she came Russ would be married to some sweet, inoffensive woman who would smell of lavender and never cause him regret. Her heart ached at the very thought.

  Heaving a deep sigh, she turned back to the suitcase opened on the bed. Only a few more items and she’d be done. She still hadn’t decided where she was going; she knew only that it would be to a place that didn’t look like Kansas, couldn’t remind her of Russ.

  “Bonnie? I think you’d better come out here,” Carolyn called from the living room.

  Bonnie placed the last blouse in the suitcase and slammed it shut, then went into the living room, where Carolyn stood peering out the front window. “What’s going on?” she asked curiously.

  Carolyn turned and smiled, her eyes twinkling brightly. “I can’t explain it. You’ll have to see it to believe it.”

  Bonnie moved to stand next to her sister and peeked out the window. Shock rippled through her at the spectacle that greeted her. Striding up the street, followed by a growing number of townspeople and clad only in a pair of purple polka-dotted boxers, was Russ.