by Taylor Dean
Then, in between kisses, Julian says, “I love you, Savannah. I love you.”
Winded from running to each other, our breath comes in spurts and we breathe each other in, both laughing and kissing at the same time. Laughing due to sheer happiness, and kissing due to a desire to feel as close to one another as possible. It’s a crazy moment of wild emotions running all over the place, yet it’s a defining moment in our relationship, the moment that reveals exactly what we mean to each other.
Slowly, he sets me down on the ground and his hands cradle my face. “I love you,” he whispers again.
And then I admit what I’ve known for a while now. “And I love you, Julian. I love you.”
He kisses me again, then says, “Oh no, we’re turning into Jason and Lori and I don’t even care.”
I don’t either.
Our laughter echoes around us and wafts up into the Zhongshan sky.
“CLOSE YOUR EYES.”
“What is it?” I sit on Julian’s couch, filled with curiosity.
“It’s a surprise. You’ll see in just a minute.”
I hear him ruffling around and I hope he hurries because I want to kiss him some more.
“Okay, hold out your arms,” he says.
I do as I’m told. Something heavy is placed on my lap.
“You can open your eyes now.”
I open my eyes to find a basket filled to the brim with all types of goodies; boxes of cereal, various candy bars, macaroni and cheese, and miscellaneous boxes of crackers. All things I’ve been craving. Some items I can get at a western grocery store, but they are ridiculously expensive.
“Oh my gosh.”
“Is that all you have to say?”
I can’t think of anything else to say, so I say it again. “Oh my gosh.”
“I think I’ve rendered you speechless.”
“It’s not a hard thing to do. But, this is amazing. I can’t believe how much I miss these items that are always in my cupboard at home. I look right at them every day and declare there’s nothing to eat. What was I thinking?”
He chuckles. “I know what you mean.”
“Thank you, Julian. Best gift ever.”
I can tell he’s pleased with my reaction.
I tell him about our trip to Beijing and he listens intently. “The food was amazing. I had egg and tomato soup, fried spicy clear noodles, spicy green beans, steamed bread dumplings, and lotus root. Now I want to learn how to make all of them.”
“I might be able to arrange that.”
A slight sadness in his eyes gives me pause. “Enough about me. Tell me about your trip.”
“It was long. Emotional. I forced myself to be cordial to my father’s widow, even though I still feel a great deal of resentment toward her. It made me feel as though I was betraying my mom, you know? I guess you could say I’m still processing everything, coming to terms with it all.”
“It was good of you to be there, in spite of everything. You made the effort and that’s what matters.” Now is the time to tell him what I need to tell him. We’ve just declared our love for one another and it appears this relationship is going somewhere. It needs to be said. Right now. I owe it to him. Yet I dread piling bad news on top of bad news.
It can wait until later.
“All right,” he says. “No more of this maudlin talk. This is a happy day. I have the night off, and I’m taking you out to a dinner I didn’t have to cook.”
That tells me how down he’s feeling. He loves to cook.
He approaches and lifts me up off the couch, carrying me like a baby. We laugh as I sneak a few kisses and he carries me down the stairs as if he’s stealing me away.
I don’t mind being kidnapped by Julian. Not at all.
JULIAN AND I lay supine on a blanket on the rooftop deck, staring at the stars. He’s only been home for two days and we’ve spent as much time together as possible.
His voice is subdued as he says, “I’ll never hold back from telling someone I love them again. Life is too short. If anything, my experience with my father taught me that lesson.”
I take a deep, cleansing breath. Hearing those three little words from Julian had been incredible. All of my dreams have suddenly come true. “I love you.”
In my peripheral vision, I see him smile. The stars overhead twinkle and sparkle in the night sky.
I like putting a smile on his handsome face. “It’s so beautiful,” I say. “It’s the night sky I always see and yet I’m on a completely different spot on the earth.”
“As long as we’re together, I don’t care where we are.”
His words remind me that we need to talk about life, about so many things. It seems appropriate to discuss our future. Yet, Julian hasn’t broached the subject, so I haven’t either. I know, what a cop out. But discussing our future leaves me feeling apprehensive and uneasy. Right now, I just want to enjoy loving Julian while I can. “As long as it’s me and you, I don’t care about anything else.”
“Hmmmmm . . . but me and you equal so much more than just us.”
My smile dies on my face and my heart races in my chest. “More?”
“So much more. I can’t wait to see our children. I mean, you know they’ll be black-haired, blue-eyed beauties. They can’t escape genetics on this one, they’re doomed.” He sighs as if he can picture our children in his mind perfectly.
I can’t.
I’m frozen, unable to respond. He’s never mentioned anything about children until now. Not one word. Not even a hint. Why would he? We haven’t even spoken of marriage yet. Admittedly the death of his father is making him move faster than perhaps he normally would have.
Facing our own mortality has a way of doing that.
“How many children do you want to have? Five or six? I’ve always wanted a large family. I love when a house is brimming with life and energy. I assume you are willing to oblige, my affectionate Savannah,” he says with a light chuckle, then promptly kisses me soundly.
It’s the only time his kiss tastes bitter.
He lies on his side propped up by his elbow, looking down on me. I love the view; the vision of Julian hovering over me. I love the way he stares into my eyes, the way he smiles, the way the corners of his eyes crinkle.
I say nothing. I’m pretty sure I can’t utter a single word even if I want to.
One of the wait staff interrupts us. “Mr. Pow Pow, you are needed.”
He moans. “Just when things are getting good.” He stands and holds out his hand to help me up. “You comin’?”
“In a few.” He mistakes my sadness for disappointment at being disturbed.
“Okay, enjoy the night for me and come down when you’re ready. See you in a bit.”
I watch him leave, knowing our relationship has just ended. More like skidded to a very abrupt stop, screeching tires and all. Whiplash will be felt by all.
He doesn’t know it yet. But I do.
I can’t give him what he wants.
I’m a murderer of love, a killer of dreams. Paul Ellis taught me that.
I lie there staring at the stars, feeling completely different than I had moments ago. One minute the future looked bright and my heart felt as though it was floating amongst the stars. The next I was brought down to earth with a thud.
I roll over onto my stomach, letting the warmth left from Julian’s body infiltrate my senses.
I should’ve told him. I should’ve just blurted it out.
I think back on the conversation I’d had with Paul Ellis on the night he’d ended our engagement. I remember the look of . . . dismay on his face, the look of disappointment he hadn’t been able to hide. Our love hadn’t been enough. He wanted more.
So does Julian. The idea of a repeat performance makes me feel physically sick and a wave of dizziness washes over me. My hands shake at the thought of losing Julian. I don’t want to bring him unhappiness. A family is important to him. I can’t take that away from him. It’s a man’s basic right to carry
on his name and leave his mark in the world. It isn’t something most people are willing to give up. In the end, Paul Ellis wasn’t able to do it.
How will Julian respond?
I honestly don’t know. Our relationship has escalated over the past few days. Even so, we haven’t really discussed future prospects. We’ve been living in the moment, taking it day by day.
But he’s right to assume more. I was assuming it too.
Actually, all this time I’ve assumed Julian is already living his dream. Yet, to my shame, I have no idea what more he wants in life. I know better than anyone that a dream job is not all you need.
The feelings I have for Julian don’t compare to how I’d felt for Paul Ellis. I know that now. At the time, I’d thought he was the one man in this world for me. Admittedly, I’d let his name influence my feelings.
With Julian, a name hasn’t predisposed my feelings. I’ve fallen in love with him because I like him and for no other reason than that.
If I see the same expression on Julian’s face that I’d seen on Paul Ellis’s face, it will destroy me.
It’s time to slowly back out of Julian’s life. Now that I know his dreams, I know I’m not the right girl for him. He needs to find someone who can give him what he wants in life. He deserves happiness. I want that for him.
More than anything, I wish it could be me.
Forcing him into making this kind of agonizing choice will be cruel. I have a feeling he won’t be like Paul Ellis, that he loves me no matter what. But I don’t want to do that to him. I love him too much for that. So I’ll make the choice for him.
Fate has spoken. I’m not for him.
I’m supposed to be looking for Paul anyway. This is what happens when I wander off the path for my life.
Never again. Roaming off the path of destiny leads to heartbreak. I don’t want to hurt Julian.
I’ve been given a great gift to know my future. Dabbling outside of it is just plain wrong and hurtful, to me as well as to my intended. Lesson learned.
Just back out, Savannah. Slowly back out of his life.
If my magic cloak is strong enough, he won’t even notice.
With a heavy heart, I make my way downstairs. I slip through the kitchen, trying to go unnoticed. Julian is busy, but he sees me—he always does—rushes over, sneaks a quick kiss and carries on with his work.
I love this man.
Feeling numb, I join my fellow teachers at our table. The atmosphere is jovial as they talk and visit. I stare into the kitchen, watching Julian. I’m fascinated with watching him cook. He’s intense and a bit of a perfectionist. I let my eyes feast on him, wishing that I could be all things to him—friend, wife, lover, companion. I’d love to go through life with him at my side. He’d make me smile and laugh every single day.
He’s immersed in what he’s doing, but he pauses and looks up at me, as if he can feel my gaze. My angst must show on my face because he stills for a moment and studies my expression. He smiles at me and I take it all in, absorbing him. I can’t help but return a small smile, even though I’m dying inside. How can I give him up? It kills me to think of him with someone else.
But I must allow him to fulfill his dreams. I’ll hurt him in the process and I hate that. In the end, it’ll be for the best.
For him and for me. I need to find Paul.
I must find Paul.
AS IF FATE is helping me to right a wrong, I come down with some type of nasty virus.
I’d slipped out of the restaurant last night after asking Dakota to tell Julian I wasn’t feeling well.
And now the morning has made an honest woman of me. My nose is stuffed up, I have a sore throat, a burgeoning cough, and I ache all over. Pure misery on top of misery.
“Savannah, can I get you anything?” Dakota asks.
“No thanks. I’ll be all right. I just need to sleep this off.” A coughing fit takes over and Dakota waits patiently. “Please don’t let Julian in. I don’t want him to see me like this. And I don’t want him to catch it either.”
“He’ll want to visit you, you know he will.”
“Please, Dakota. I really don’t want him to see me like this,” I repeat. “I look as awful as I feel.”
“I know what you mean. When I had the flu I didn’t let my boyfriend anywhere near me. Okay, I’ll tell him. But I’m not promising anything. Julian doesn’t strike me as a man who is easily deterred.”
My plea for privacy works, however. He respects my wishes. For the next three days, I lay in bed and—when Dakota isn’t there—I cry harder than I’ve ever cried in my life. My tears for Paul Ellis don’t compare. My tears for Paul Brooks don’t even come close. I cry for the life I can never have and I mourn the loss of something that has never been mine in the first place.
With my family’s constant encouragement and love, I never truly allowed myself to mourn my condition. I realize that’s what I’m doing right now—allowing myself to mourn.
Julian sends over homemade soup every day. I eat every last speck, knowing his hands prepared it. It makes me feel close to him.
I’m still not well by the fourth day, but I force myself out of bed and teach my classes. I don’t have to feign fatigue. I fall into bed at the end of the day and beg forgiveness for not going to dinner at Burger, Burger.
Julian sends me more soup. Several hearts decorate the take-out box, along with a note that says, “Love you, sweetheart.” The sight sends me spiraling into another crying bout.
The next two days are more of the same. I teach my classes and then collapse into bed.
On the evening of the sixth day, Dakota wiggles my shoulder, waking me from a sound sleep at six in the evening. “Savannah?”
In reality, the virus is basically gone. It’s my heavy heart that leaves me in this downtrodden state. But no one else knows that.
“Julian is downstairs asking to see you. Can I let him in?”
Panic rushes through me. “No, I’m still not feeling well.”
“Savannah, he knows you’re teaching classes again. You’re going to hurt his feelings. He really wants to see you.”
“Tell him I’m sorry. I just . . . don’t feel well enough to see anyone.”
Dakota studies me thoughtfully. “Are you sure you’re okay? Maybe we should take you to the doctor.”
“There’s no need. I’ll be fine in a few more days. I just need sleep.”
“All right. But if he comes and bangs on the apartment door, then you’ll know I couldn’t stop him.”
He doesn’t. Julian is a gentleman.
On the seventh day, I can no longer fake illness. I’m finally back to feeling like myself, a tad sluggish perhaps, but all better. I shake off destructive self pity and have every intention of gallantly moving forward. At least, that’s what I tell myself. Reality is so very different from the fantasy in my mind.
Hunter stops me in the hallway. “You’re looking pale. You, my dear, need fresh air and exercise. We’re going on a bike ride so you can get your health back.”
I study him thoughtfully. Is this my second chance? Maybe he really is the Paul. Here’s my chance, but I don’t take it. I’m not in love with Hunter, not in that way. Besides, he and Dakota have been spending a lot of time together. I’m pretty sure something is brewing between them, even though Dakota has been deliberately vague about the situation. “No, I’m not up to it,” I protest.
“That’s why you need to get your blood pumping through your body. It’ll refresh and invigorate you. I insist. We won’t go far. Right now. C’mon, you’re going.”
I give in. The idea of going outside and doing something active does sound appealing. Seven days without seeing Julian—knowing he’s just down the street—leaves me feeling as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
We ride our bikes through the streets of Zhongshan for about forty-five minutes before I plead for mercy.
“It’s enough, Hunter. I’m out of shape.” Not to mention terrified by all
the crazy traffic.
“Oh, all right. But you look better already. Now you have some color in your cheeks. Let’s go back.”
I glance at Burger, Burger longingly as we ride past. I miss being there and watching Julian cook. I miss his sense of humor and his easy smile. His kisses. His face. His touch.
Everything.
All at once the vision in my head appears before my eyes, startling me. For a moment, I think I’ve conjured him up out of my imagination. He’s walking down the street, carrying a bag of fresh groceries. He stops when he sees me.
I don’t.
Instead I wave, my heart pounding, and catch up with Hunter. Julian doesn’t wave back.
I’m the biggest coward in the world.
When I return to my apartment, I pace back and forth, back and forth. “What am I doing? What am I doing?” My agitated state doesn’t subside as the afternoon wears on.
Julian looked so . . . stricken when I rode right past him. I can’t do this to him, it’s downright mean. Turns out, I’m not invisible and I never have been. It’s foolish to think I can back out of his life without an explanation.
I owe him that much.
Life is calling. It’s already left me several messages. No more screening my calls. It’s time to answer.
JULIAN KNOWS I’M avoiding him. Dakota makes that abundantly clear when she returns to the apartment after eating at Burger, Burger.
“Why are you avoiding Julian?” she asks bluntly.
She doesn’t know about the Great Bike Debacle. “I’ve been sick.”
“It’s obvious to me and it’s more than obvious to him that you’re avoiding him, Savannah. I don’t understand. I thought you were crazy about him.”
I remain quiet for so long, Dakota approaches and sits on my bed. “What is it? What’s wrong?” she whispers. “Did he hurt you in some way?”
I shake my head. “No, he would never hurt me.”
“I didn’t think so. He keeps asking about you. As a matter of fact, he won’t leave me alone. Until yesterday I felt like I was telling him the truth. Today I knew I was lying. He knew it too.”
When a few tears slip down my cheeks, Dakota hugs me tightly.