Fox opened his mouth to say something, then closed it.
“Just think about it,” Sloan said.
Fox glanced over at me and nodded, his eyes softening. “You guys will be the second to know.”
* * *
I flipped through a rack of sweaters listlessly. I thought that driving out to the big mall in Midland to start some Christmas shopping would be a good idea, but I was too distracted.
Fox and I hadn’t discussed our conversation with his friends, but we needed to. I'd thought about it constantly for days, wondered what Fox was thinking, made pros-and-cons lists in my head for various scenarios, and basically just obsessed about the entire situation. For me, it boiled down to one simple thing: I couldn’t be the reason that Fox didn’t continue the career that was so very important to him.
I knew part of him wanted to stay and part of him couldn’t wait to get back, but I didn’t know which part was currently winning, and it didn’t really matter. He'd come here with a goal, and I had no intention of derailing that. He alluded to the fact that his hesitation was multi-faceted, but I had to take myself out of the equation. I was here for him no matter what.
“Find anything for your dad?” Fox came up beside me and startled me out of my thoughts.
“No,” I mumbled.
“Let’s take a break,” he suggested.
We walked out of the department store without buying anything and headed toward the food court. The mall was already decorated for Christmas and probably had been since before Halloween. Tinny carols played over the speakers and I could see Santa’s Village all set up over by the west end. I’d have to bring Annabelle here one day soon so she could see him and give him her Christmas list.
At the edge of the food court, Fox stopped and grabbed me around the waist, pulling my back against his chest and resting his chin on top of my head.
“We have an important decision to make,” he said.
“I– I know.” Fox caught me off guard but I supposed now was as good a time as any to have our serious conversation.
“I just don’t know what to do,” he mused.
“Me neither.” I wished I could see his face and try to read exactly what he was thinking, but he held me tightly against him and I couldn’t crane my neck far enough to look into his eyes.
“Part of me wants to go for barbecue, but then another part of me says why not Chinese? It’s a tiny food court in a West Texas mall, what could possibly go wrong?” Fox said sardonically.
Chinese? What the hell was he talking about? “Um.”
He spun me around so we were facing each other. “Avery? Aren’t you hungry?”
“Oh right.” He was talking about food, you idiot, I thought. Not life choices.
Fox’s mouth quirked up on one side as he looked down at me. I always had the feeling he knew exactly what I was thinking, especially when I was flustered. “So? Chinese or barbecue?”
“Both?”
“That’s my girl.”
We filled our trays with an array of questionable-looking items, grabbed a couple drinks, and headed to one of the laminate tables in the center of the food court.
“I think the Chinese barbecue pulled pork really ties everything together,” he said, surveying the food spread out in front of us.
“Absolutely,” I laughed.
“Who’s left on your list?” he asked me, digging into his mashed potatoes.
I pulled the slip of paper from my pocket. “Well, my dad. And a few more stocking stuffers for Annabelle. At some point I have to assemble the Barbie castle and hide it somewhere,” I said thoughtfully.
“You picked it out, I’ll put it together,” Fox said. “Since you wouldn’t let me buy it.”
“You got her five dolls,” I protested.
“The princess castle is nothing without the princesses.”
“You’ll spoil her.” I leaned forward to kiss his lips.
His eyes flashed hot for a moment as I pulled away. “She loves me.”
“You’re the most important man in her life,” I agreed. “You and my dad.”
“I’m in good company then.” He paused. “But… someday she might want to know her biological father, and I’d have to adjust.” His voice grew rough when he referred to J.D.
“That would bother you?” I asked softly.
He steepled his fingers together. “Selfishly, yes.”
“Why?”
“Because the only way she isn’t already mine is by blood.” He smoothed a hand over his mouth and chin. “And there’s nothing I can do about that.”
“You think of her that way? As yours?” My heart was doing its skippy beat thing again.
“As ours,” he said. “You are mine and she is ours.”
I didn’t know what to say. Sometimes he knocked every coherent thought right out of me. He knew that I couldn’t have more children; we’d had that very important discussion after our first time together when I told him I was on permanent birth control. The fact that he would refer to her as ours made me feel like he was honestly fine with it.
“Is that okay?” he asked when I didn’t respond.
“It’s better than okay.”
He smiled into his chow mein. “Good.”
It was such a sweet moment that I wanted to let it settle, but instead I blurted out the only other thing that was on my mind. “Fox, you have to go back to the Forest Service. You have to be a firefighter again, a medic. That’s what you do, you help people.”
I knew it was true the moment I said it aloud. Fox was too strong and brave and smart to give up everything he’d worked for. If he was being selfish in wanting to be Annabelle’s father figure, I was being selfish in wanting to keep him here with us.
He stared at me, his chopsticks forgotten. “I know.”
“You do?”
“Yes.” He pushed the food aside and reached across the table to take my hands. “I wanted to tell you, but today didn’t seem like the time.”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Anything that concerns the two of you matters to me.”
“We can’t be the reason you don’t continue your career. You would never let yourself keep me from grad school,” I pointed out.
“I can go back almost anytime this spring, first to Washington probably, then wherever we’re needed, maybe Alaska or Montana. I need to commit to stay through the summer, through fire season.”
Washington. Alaska. Fire season. I swallowed quickly and looked away. This is what Fox needed to do, and I’d be damned if I stood in his way.
“I have something for you,” he said suddenly. “An early Christmas present.”
“Fox!” I cried. “It’s like two weeks away!”
He smiled and pulled out an envelope. “Here.”
Curiosity had me almost snatching it out of his hand. “What is this?”
“Just open it.” He sat back in the hard plastic chair and watched me intently.
I slipped a finger under the flap and carefully opened the envelope. Inside were three small slips of paper, and for a moment I had no idea what they were, but then it registered. Application submission receipts. University of Washington, UC Berkeley, and UCLA. Fox had submitted some of my finished grad school applications, the ones I’d completed but never turned in, partially because I didn’t have the money for the fees and partially because the idea of multiple rejections on top of money wasted was enough to give me hives.
I looked up from the envelope to Fox, my eyes bright. “You didn’t.”
“I want us to have options, Avery. If your heart is set on New York, I’ll be back in the fall and that’s where we’ll go. Lucas offered me a partnership in the security firm, so we’ll be all set.”
“He did?” Lucas’ comment about Fox’s equations suddenly made sense.
“Yes, but if for some reason NYU doesn’t work out, or it isn’t what you want, we can go to California. I can work with him there, or join a fire house jus
t about anywhere. After my season is up, wherever you land, we’ll be together. We’ll decide together.”
Fox smiled at me, and my heart felt like it was pumping double speed.
“Avery? Are you still with me? I know this is a lot.”
“I’m glad you’re doing this,” I said sincerely. “But is one season enough? What about Sloane and McDaniels? They’d be getting you back just to lose you again.”
“I need this. We both know that. I can’t leave things the way they are now without another run, or it’ll always be unfinished business for me. The way I left can’t be the way I go out. I owe my crew that much. And myself,” he added.
“That’s what I mean!” I protested. “You owe it to yourself to focus on your career.”
“It was never just a job to me, Avery.” His voice was low and serious. “It made me feel something when nothing else could. It gave me purpose, defined me.”
“And you want to give that up?” I was incredulous. “Why?”
“I’m not giving anything up.” Fox’s green eyes caught mine and held. “I’m gaining everything I’ve ever wanted.”
“Fox, I–” His words left me without any of my own.
“We will make it work,” Fox promised me. “Please don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried, not about us.”
But I was worried. I couldn’t help it. We knew we wanted to be together, but I still didn’t know what was going to happen. There were so many variables – Fox’s upcoming departure, my grad school applications. Nothing was concrete, and it scared me. “Most Organized” liked things to be just that, organized.
Chapter 23
I threw myself into Christmas preparations with an almost maniacal fury, seeing as it was one of the few things I could control in my immediate future. I wasn’t sure where any of us would be next year – I couldn’t expect a response from grad schools until February, and Fox had a spring and summer of wildland fire and rescue ahead of him.
On Christmas Eve, after Annabelle was in bed and Fox and I had eaten all of the cookies she left out for Santa, we curled up together on the couch to watch my favorite Christmas movie, Scrooged.
“I can’t believe this is your favorite holiday film,” Fox said when Bill Murray suggested stapling antlers to the tiny reindeer mice. “It’s disrespectful to the classics, like How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Christmas Story.”
“Whatever,” I said, poking him in the ribs. “It’s a cult classic.”
“If you say so.” He turned slightly so he could wrap his arms around me and nuzzle my neck.
“Mmmmm…” I said, closing my eyes. I could watch this movie any old time.
“Avery?”
“Hmmmm?”
“We need to talk.”
Way to kill my buzz. I opened one eye and saw that Fox’s face was serious. “Okay.” I reached for the remote and turned the TV off.
“I love you,” he began.
“I love you, too,” I said, leaning forward to kiss him. His lips teased over my mouth and I opened it, inviting him in, but he pulled away.
“I have to say this.” Fox searched my face for a reaction before he continued. “I never planned on being here this long. But then I saw you. I wanted you from the minute I stepped off that damn bus.” His eyes drilled into mine, reminding me of every night we’d spent together, every touch, every breath. I couldn’t remember a time before Fox. He’d seeped into all aspects of my and Annabelle’s life and enriched it. She and I were a great duo, but he made us a family.
“I wanted you, too,” I whispered.
His dimple flashed for a brief second and he looked pleased, but then his expression turned serious again.
“I knew I wanted you, but I also wanted what was best for you and Annabelle, and I wasn’t sure that was me. But as time went on, Chase kept hurting you and taking you for granted…” he trailed off. His voice was even but his knee jiggled as he sat, a sign of his agitation.
“The two of you were beyond my comprehension. I never imagined a life like this, a family. I knew I could be what you needed. I could be that for you. I wanted to so much. And just like that, my plans changed.”
He took my face into his hands and stared deep into my eyes.
“You think I haven’t considered everything, and I have. I’ve thought about it from every angle, every scenario. I’m done thinking. I’m going to be thousands of miles away from you two, and I need to know you’re okay. More than that, I can’t imagine my life without you, and I don’t want to, ever. I love you.” He paused. “Marry me.”
“Fox, I–”
“Don’t think, Avery. We think too much. Don’t ruin it.”
“It was always you,” I said, my voice stronger. A beat passed, and it seemed like the air stilled then crackled with anticipation. The calm before the storm.
“Marry me,” he said again, and in that moment I knew there was only one answer.
I nodded, and the look on his face made my heart feel as though it would burst. “Yes.”
* * *
The light of Christmas morning dawned on me and Fox wrapped up tightly together in my bed. I knew there was a good chance Annabelle would awaken soon, but I couldn’t help myself as I ran my bare foot down his calf. My skin craved the contact and I gave in every time.
Fox cleared his throat huskily. “I have so many things I want to say to you, but I don’t know where to start.”
My heart skipped at the raw emotion in his voice. “From the beginning is always a good place,” I said gently.
His beautiful mouth turned up at the corners just slightly. “You are my beginning. I don’t think I lived before you and Annabelle. I just existed.”
I wasn’t used to this side of him, this vulnerable, open side. Fox always let me in, he always made me feel like I wasn’t alone, like he could do anything and move mountains and be right there exactly when I needed him. But at his core he was the observer, quiet and often withdrawn, an introvert in the true sense of the word. This was a new level, a direct tap into his soul that I still wasn’t sure I deserved but I desperately wanted.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
Fox had accomplished so much in the twenty-six years before I met him. I knew he’d seen some horrible things and been faced with countless difficult choices, but he’d also helped people and his work made a difference. He was educated, and not just through formal institutions. He’d taught himself to be strong and resilient, loyal and dedicated. As corny as it might sound, to me he was the definition of a hero.
“You’ve been a bigger part of my rehabilitation than you could possibly know,” he said.
“Your leg was more than halfway healed when you got here,” I protested.
“I’m not talking about my leg. I’m talking about my head.”
“Your head?”
“When you told me I was good at saving you, and I said I was just returning the favor – I wasn’t kidding.”
“I don’t understand.”
He smiled and smoothed a hand down my bare back, and I desperately wished I could turn back the clock a couple hours and give us more time together in this bed, but I knew Annabelle would be clamoring to open her presents any minute.
“Get dressed, sunshine,” he said, slipping out from under the covers. I watched his perfect naked ass amble over to the dresser and pull on a pair of boxer briefs, then sweatpants.
“Ugh, do we have to?” I said, half-jokingly. Christmas morning with Annabelle was really fun, but so was Fox.
“Yes. There’s something I want to do, and we can’t be naked for it.”
I sat up and felt around for my robe, intrigued. Slipping it on over my shoulders, I turned to Fox expectantly. “What?”
“Nope,” he said. “Less naked than that.”
“Okay, okay,” I grumbled, getting out of bed and grabbing some pajamas. I slid the flannel bottoms up over my hips and threw on a long-sleeved thermal shirt. “Is that better?”
; “Yes.” He leaned forward and kissed me deeply. “You’re beautiful.”
Normally I would’ve laughed since I had total bed head and sleepy eyes, but there was something about the sincerity in Fox’s voice that stopped me. I watched as he reached into the pocket of his coat hanging in the closet and extracted a small velvet box.
“I wanted to do this the right way last night, but you were already in my arms and I got carried away,” Fox said.
My heart sped up to an alarming speed when I saw the box, and tears swam into my eyes when Fox got down on one knee in front of me.
“Now is good,” I whispered.
“I love you endlessly, Avery, forever.” He flipped open the box to reveal a beautiful round diamond, set in platinum with tiny diamonds encircling the center stone and trailing down the band. “I’ll take whatever you’ll give me and I’ll make it into a beautiful life for us. Say you’ll be my wife.”
I looked away from the ring and into his eyes. He could’ve had one of Annabelle’s plastic baubles in there and my answer would’ve been the same, just as it was last night. He was exactly what I needed and what I craved at the same time. “Of course I will.”
He slid the ring onto my finger and stood, gathering me into his arms. I raised my face for his kiss, drinking in the way his eyes swept over my lips before he settled his mouth onto mine.
“Mama! Fox! It’s Christmas!” Annabelle called from her room.
We broke apart, laughing, and rested our foreheads together. Fox pressed another kiss to my hair. “I’ll get her.”
I sat down on the messy bed and gazed admiringly at my ring. I was getting married. Not only was I getting married, but I was marrying Fox. This was turning out to be some Christmas already, and it wasn’t even eight a.m.
After we had breakfast and Annabelle demolished the living room in a storm of wrapping paper, we called my parents to give them the good news. It turned out that they both already knew, as Fox had asked my father for his permission before buying the ring.
“I would’ve asked you anyway,” he admitted after I hung up, their congratulations still ringing in my ear.
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