He had to look away, his internal tumult no doubt visible in his face. As wise as she was, couldn’t she sense that the kind of love she spoke about wasn’t a factor between Shani and him? Could she be baiting him, hoping for an admission of the truth? But that kind of deviousness wasn’t in the straightforward Mrs. Jacoby. She must truly think he loved Shani, that she loved him.
“Make her happy,” Mrs. Jacoby said, then drew back as Strauss’s final notes faded.
He had a sense he’d been put to a test he hadn’t quite passed. But he had no further opportunity to speak with Shani’s mother privately. He danced with Rachael, then Charlotte. Charlotte had a few bawdy suggestions for the wedding night, as if he needed further encouragement.
They cut the cake at three-thirty, Logan feeding Shani bites of zuppa inglese, stroking the creamy white frosting from her mouth with his thumb. The fever between them intensified again and he had to tamp down the urge to escort the guests from the house so he could be alone with Shani.
Thankfully, the guests began filtering out around four. First Vince and Charlotte, then Julie and Mrs. Singh. Mrs. Jacoby begged off any further visiting, pleading a return of her headache. He walked Shani’s mother and her giggling younger sister to the cottage, then returned to his wife.
His wife. His sense of pride, of possessiveness, surprised him. When he’d married Arianna, he’d felt affection, respect. He’d looked forward to a good life with her. But he’d never experienced the single-minded absorption for her that he felt now for Shani.
He thought she might be in her own room, changing. But when he nudged open the unlatched door, the room was empty. Her dress lay draped over the back of the desk chair, the cream-colored pumps nearby. The light in the bathroom was off.
Anticipation tingling along his arms, up his spine, he backed from the room and headed down the hall toward his own. As he stepped inside, he heard the fall of water in his adjoining bath. The shower running. Panties and a strapless bra in a puddle of ivory panty hose just outside the bathroom door.
His heart stuttered in his chest, then slammed into hyperspeed as he stared at that untidy pile. His hands shaking, he wrestled out of the jacket, unknotted the bow tie, nearly tore the buttons from his shirt. Shucked quickly out of his pants, nearly tangling them on his shoes when he forgot to remove them first. Finally threw aside the last of his clothes.
He stepped inside the expansive bathroom, steam roiling from the open shower. Without a door or curtain to block his view, he could take in every inch of Shani’s body where she stood in the middle of the shower’s three jets. As he watched, she rinsed the last of the soap from her skin, then dried her eyes on a nearby towel.
His presence didn’t startle her; he had the sense she’d been expecting him, waiting for him. A faint smile curved her mouth as his gaze raked her, taking in the soft swell of her breasts, the nipples taut, her belly just slightly rounded with nearly four months of pregnancy. She was glorious in her nudity, an incredible gift. Far beyond anything he could have dreamed of as perfection.
She stretched out a beckoning hand and he stepped into the shower with her. The warm spray of water hitting his flesh only added to his arousal, the first contact of his body against hers making him impossibly hard. He closed his arms around her, covering her mouth with his, his tongue immediately plunging inside.
Water sprayed them from three sides, striking his back, his sides, his arms. The wet heat stoked his fire, sensitizing him until he thought he would climax against her instead of inside where he wanted so desperately to be. She ran her hands down his sides, to his hips, his buttocks, pulling him tightly against her, moaning low in her throat.
Urgency built inside him to back her into a corner of the slick tile shower, lift her legs around his hips and thrust into her. His passion edged on the uncontrollable, a mindless and incoherent beast, frightening in its intensity. That he might hurt her sobered him, stealing some of the power from the insanity that had overtaken him, throwing him a thin lifeline of restraint.
Reaching around her, he shut off the shower, grabbing a bath sheet in the same movement. Draping it around her, he lifted her into his arms. As he carried her into the bedroom, her mouth sipped at his chest, licking the moisture from his skin, driving him into madness again.
He set her on her feet to pull back the covers. She waited until he’d turned toward her to slowly lower the towel, taunting him with her beauty.
He stopped her before she could move toward the bed, dropping to his knees before her. She was a goddess to be worshipped, and he intended to give her her due. He buried his mouth in the curls between her legs, tugging apart her folds with his thumbs. She sucked in a breath with the first touch of his tongue, her fingers digging into his shoulders.
With a hand spread at the small of her back to support her, he continued to taste her as his other hand moved lazily along her inner thigh. He trailed his fingers nearly to the juncture, then away, in rhythm with the stroking of his tongue, teasing her with each skimming touch. Her body shook as if she could barely stay upright and he tightened his hold on her, continuing his sensual assault.
Her fingers gripped so hard, he knew she would leave her mark on him. He could feel her climax lapping at her, the first trembling wave. He plunged his fingers inside her slick opening, felt her moan vibrate along his skin. Her body clutched at him, again and again, closing around his fingers deep inside her body.
He kept his hold on her as he rose to his feet, could feel the lassitude in her body, the aftereffects of pleasure still strumming along her skin. Urging her to the bed, he parted her legs and settled between them. Her eyes opened languidly and she reached for him, pulling him inside her.
There wasn’t a chance in hell he would last long. From her urgent cries, he knew she was right with him, didn’t want him holding back. Her legs locked around his hips, pushing him in deeper, calling out his name as she peaked. He exploded, his body hurled into ecstasy, blown into a universe of sensation. Shani his only anchor, his climax flung him into a perfect light, beyond himself, beyond reality.
As sanity returned, his breathing still unsteady and difficult, he became aware of his body, heavy on hers. He tried to edge away, off her, but she held him in place, her strength surprising. He eased up on his elbows to give her some relief, but she didn’t let go for several minutes.
Finally she sighed, her arms going lax. He slid to her side, gathering her close to him. His gold band snagged on the sheets and a thrill shot through him. She was his wife. He could make love to her every night if he wanted to. Her lovely face would be the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes to sleep, the first thing he saw in the morning.
Her hair, still damp, tickled his chest as he nestled her head against him. “Are you sure you don’t want a honeymoon?” he asked her.
She stiffened slightly, then relaxed so quickly, he wondered if he’d imagined it. “I told you, I signed up for that winter-break class.”
“Drop it. Take it later.”
“I need it to graduate in May.”
He stroked her cheek with his fingers. “Why not wait until next semester to graduate, give yourself more time?”
She lay silent for so long, he half wondered if she’d fallen asleep. When she spoke, the trembling in her voice set off an ache inside him.
“You’ve changed everything else in my life, Logan. Please don’t change this.”
He felt moisture under his thumb where he stroked her face, and when he angled himself up, he saw her tears. “Shani.”
She turned her back to him, edging just slightly out of reach. The ache inside him sharpened. How many times had he said the wrong thing to Arianna and sent her into silent tears?
He scrambled for a way to make things right. “Shani,” he whispered, praying she’d look at him.
She drew in a breath, then dropped a kiss in the palm of his hand. “It’s just been a long day.” She faced him again. “Too much to take in all at once.”
/> She pressed closer to him, her skin warm and silky against his. Far sooner than he would have expected, he was ready for her, his erection pressing against her belly.
“You make me crazy,” he murmured in her ear.
“No more than you make me.” Her hand drifted down his side.
They started the dance again, this time more slowly. But with each touch, each kiss bringing them both closer to the precipice, Logan couldn’t quite shake the memory of Shani’s silent tears.
Chapter Fourteen
January passed quickly, Shani so caught up in her intersession class, her hours at work and the daily ups and downs of pregnancy, she barely had a moment to stop and think about the life-changing event she’d undergone. To anyone on the outside—her coworkers, her friends at school, even Mrs. Singh—there was nothing remarkable about her marriage to Logan. She got some good-natured ribbing from some of the staff at MiniSport, but by the time it became generally known that she’d married the CEO of the company, they also knew the back story—she’d been a longtime friend of Arianna and had known Logan for years. So her coworkers accepted it, or at least kept their personal opinions to themselves.
She moved into Logan’s room on her wedding night. After the first two weeks she lost count of the number of times they made love. Each encounter only drove Logan deeper into her heart, added power to the love she felt for him. When she reached her peak during their lovemaking, she could all but feel that love pour from her in a tidal wave of emotion. It was all she could do to keep silent, to hold back the words she ached to speak aloud.
After that first night she refused to let tears fall when uncertainty lapped at her. With a single exception, Logan gave her everything any woman could want. He was attentive, spending as much of his free time with her as he could. When he had to work late, he’d call, sometimes more than once to update her. He surprised her with gifts—a thriller novel she mentioned in passing, a beautiful cashmere sweater in deep coral he saw in a hotel gift shop on a business trip, flowers out of the blue on a Thursday afternoon. And there was the baby—thanks to the paperwork Logan’s attorney had filed, the child she bore was hers. She was the baby’s legal mother, not just a gestational carrier.
She told herself it was enough. Most of the time she even believed it. It was only late at night, when she couldn’t sleep and she lay listening to Logan’s steady breathing beside her, that she doubted. That she couldn’t put aside her awareness of that hole in her life, the absence of love from the man she loved so deeply.
In those dark moments, only one thought kept the tears at bay—that he would learn to love her. That after time, maybe with the birth of his child, he would open up his heart to her. That he would realize she was as precious to him as he had become to her.
On the day of her five-month checkup during the first week of February, Logan stood with her in the examination room, staring at the ultrasound image, rapt. The 3-D image delineated the baby’s face, hands and fingers. Arms, legs, and…
“He’s a boy,” Logan said, his gaze fixed on the image.
Dr. Mills, the ob-gyn, grinned. “That he is. And everything looks great, Dad.”
Shani couldn’t hold back the sudden rush of emotion. Another son. Despite her best efforts, tears sprang into her eyes.
She tried to turn her head away to keep Logan from seeing, but he spotted the wet trail on her cheek. He laced his fingers into hers, squeezing. Then he leaned over to press a kiss to her cheek. “Another son,” he whispered, too softly for the doctor to hear.
That he understood her tears, that he’d echoed her thought exactly, nearly undid her. She dragged in several deep breaths to ease the pain locked in her heart, all the while clutching Logan’s hand.
When Dr. Mills left the room, Logan helped her clean the gel from her belly, then waited while she dressed. “Do you have time for lunch?” he asked.
“Sure,” she said, her throat still raw from emotion.
He took her to the crepe restaurant, but with the lunchtime crowd, the wait was nearly thirty minutes. The hostess gestured toward the patio. “I can seat you right away if you don’t mind eating outdoors. There’s a gas heater. It’ll keep you warm.”
Still feeling on the edge of falling apart, Shani glanced out at the empty patio. “Let’s eat outside.” She’d just as soon not have an audience if she couldn’t hold back her tears.
As they stepped outside, Shani spotted a dark green Nissan pulling out of the parking lot. A jolt of fear went through her. In the months since she’d last seen the car, she’d let herself believe its appearances were coincidental. Seeing it now, with her emotions already in an uproar, she was flooded with doubt and unease.
“What is it?” Logan asked as they were seated by the heater.
The car had pulled up the street and out of sight. Shani shook off her anxiety. “It’s nothing. Just feeling a little unsteady.”
Logan took a cursory look at his menu before setting it aside. “I could skip the conference this weekend.”
He’d told her the week before about his commitment to speak at a conference in Phoenix. “There’s no need,” Shani told him. “I’ll be fine.”
He reached across the table to take her hand. “Will you?”
She could see the seriousness of his expression, the worry in his blue eyes. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
His thumb traced across the backs of her fingers. “You’ve seemed sad lately.”
Apparently she didn’t hide her feelings as well as she’d thought. “Not sad, so much as…emotional.”
His gaze remained steady on her face. “Arianna would never tell me. When she felt sad or upset. I was constantly guessing, never sure what I was supposed to do to fix it.”
“Sometimes it’s not up to you to fix,” Shani said gently. “Sometimes the person feeling that way has to come to terms with it themselves.”
His focus dropped to the table. “Except it seemed I was always the one who’d caused the problem in the first place.”
A question that had been lurking in the back of her mind sprang from her lips before she could stop herself. “Did you love her?”
The moment she’d let herself speak the words out loud, the instant she saw the anger, guilt and sorrow flash across his face, she wanted to rewind the past few seconds. “I’m sorry,” she said. “That was out of line.”
He let go of her hand. “What did the diary say?”
“I thought you didn’t want to know.”
“I don’t.” Knuckles tightening as he lifted his glass, he took a sip of ice water. “But I’m sure Arianna made it clear I never measured up. Or ever gave her what she really wanted.”
His gaze flickered in her direction before dropping again. “I thought I loved her. I wanted to.” He slid the glass side to side on the white tablecloth. “But based on experience, I never quite achieved that goal.”
“I think you achieved more than you know,” Shani said. “Yes, she wrote about you in her diary…of course she did. But as time went on, she began to realize her sadness was inside her and not your doing. In time, if she hadn’t died—”
“Nothing would have changed.”
“It might have.”
“I couldn’t be who she wanted.” He stared at her. “If you’re looking for the same thing from me as Arianna was, I think you’ll be just as disappointed.”
“So far nothing you’ve done has disappointed me.”
“You shouldn’t lie, Shani,” he said, his tone bitter. “You don’t do it well.”
The joy she’d seen in Logan when he watched his son on the ultrasound seemed to have vanished, chased by ghosts of guilt and recrimination. When the waitress came to take their order, Shani chose something at random from the menu. She leaned as close as she could to the heater as they waited for their food, but although the February day wasn’t particularly chilly, she couldn’t seem to get warm.
She assumed they’d finish the meal in silence, that Logan was done with revisiting
the past. But as Shani picked at her crepe, Logan spoke, pain in the soft rumbling of his voice.
“I should have stopped her that night. Should have kept her from driving away.”
“It was an accident, Logan. Not your fault.”
He dipped his head in acknowledgment. “We argued right before she left. Over something stupid. I wanted to stay home for dinner, she wanted to go out. I don’t even know why I made such a federal case out of it. I’d had a bad day at work, was beat.”
His jaw worked. “I should have stopped her when she ran out of the house. Should have kept her from that car. But I was too full of my own damned pride.”
“You couldn’t have known what would happen.”
“But she was upset. She was crying. Not thinking straight.”
He picked up his fork, set it down again, stared at his food growing cold on his plate. “I thought she’d just drive around the neighborhood, then come home. Or go out to eat alone. Instead, she went up Highway 50. On her way to Tahoe, I guess—she had a friend up there. She hit the curve past Horsetail Falls going at least fifty…”
Well over the speed limit, and the drop-off was too steep for survival. When Arianna’s sister had called Shani, making her way down the contact list on Arianna’s cell, that image of her friend going over the cliff had been horrifying. Shani hadn’t yet brought herself to drive that part of Highway 50 in the year and a half since Arianna’s death.
Logan seemed as distant as that stretch of road a hundred miles away and just as desolate as the wilderness surrounding Horsetail Falls. Shani couldn’t bear to see him lost in that dark place. She moved her chair next to him, put her arms around him.
He stiffened, seemed ready to pull back. Then he relaxed into her embrace, burying his face in her hair. She was grateful for the solitude of the patio, glad for the chance to give something to Logan he so seldom seemed willing to accept—comfort.
Then she felt the brush of a miracle and a giddy joy filled her. “The baby just moved,” she whispered, as if their son could hear.
His Miracle Baby Page 15