by Marten, Mimi
Of course it’s possible! You just got blindsided with all the love! Love was never the problem! TRUST was the issue. She always said trust is not given, it’s earned. Ok, easy. I’ll just prove it to her. Wait! You need a chance to prove trust. I already have a chance, or don’t I?
Andre was smiling, but his mind was absent. Simona walked over, kissed him, and sat down on his lap. She looked in his eyes and said, “And now?”
“Now, I’m trying not to freak out.”
“Come on. You didn’t think that at some point we were going to have to talk about reality?”
“No, that part, of course we have to talk about plans and future, but the part of you wanting to be apart?”
“What happened to you? If I remember correctly, your lifelong fear was exactly that. Not to have enough freedom, be stuck with someone every single day.”
“Yes, it’s pretty ironic. Now I fear the opposite, and you became me.”
“Haha. Successful, good looking, with money and options?”
“Holy shit. Is this ‘payback is a bitch?’”
“Told ya, God has a sarcastic humor.”
They were both laughing, but Andre couldn’t help but have a possessive urge to hold her back as she was walking away.
11
"NOT TODAY... TODAY IS AN HONEST DAY."
BARCELONA WAS FANTASTIC. They flew on Philippe’s plane which only deepened Andre’s insecurities. The boys were goofing off with Francois, but there were moments when they all noticed that sometimes he had different looks in his eyes. Different from other babies. Simona was telling him not to stand up on the plane like he was used to at home. He was so proud of himself when he was able to pull himself up, holding onto furniture. He crawled from one chair, got up, then to the opposite side, got up… Simona looked at him and said, “You are going to fall down and get hurt. This is a plane. You don’t have good balance yet.”
“Mom, you can’t talk like that to a baby.”
“Talk like what, Arye?”
“Like to an adult. You have to say something like, ‘sit down, ouchie.’”
“Pay attention when he looks at you, as if he understood. It’s freaky,” Simona said.
“It already happened to me,” Arye said. “I thought I was reading too much into it.”
“Me too. I agree with your mom. It’s kinda freaking me out,” Andre said.
“You know what else he has from you? That annoying look when you clap me on my shoulder or hand with the smirk of ‘I got this. It’s ok’. Well, he does that, too,” Simona said.
“Haha. My signature move came with the genes?” Andre was laughing.
“Very funny. It’s freaky because he has never seen you do it. That means even if he would be a genius at copying gestures and behaviors, he has not been around anyone who does that.” Simona didn’t even finish it when Francois crawled over to her, pulled himself up, holding onto the chair, and clapped her on her leg with a nodding smile. Everyone busted out laughing, except for Andre who was staring at him in awe.
Patrick was excited to see his two boys, especially Arye. It had been a few months since he saw him in London. The reunion with Andre was even better. For the first time, there was a true friendship on display. Francois ended up on Patrick’s lap whose love for all babies was genuine. Everyone ordered food. Francois was happily busy with a spoon, ignoring the big people and letting them have their talk.
“By the way, thanks for the upgrade. I looked like an idiot again, not paying attention at the check-in until I handed it to the stewardess,” Patrick said.
“You are welcome. Hope you had a nice flight,” Simona smiled, knowing Patrick and his dislike towards traveling.
“What are you talking about?” Cori asked.
“Mom upgraded dad’s ticket to business class,” Arye said. “You know why she does it, right?”
“No, enlighten us, smarty. Why do I do it?”
“Because you don’t want to risk him to going off for two days bitching about his flight,” Arye said.
The laughter was contagious, even Cori who was usually on defense lawyer duty laughed in agreement. Patrick was pretending to be offended and talked to Francois about how ridiculous they all behave. “Do we even know these people, Frankie? Let’s see if you know them.”
Patrick started pointing to them one by one, asking Francois who each was. To everyone’s complete shock, Francois went on to say all their names, “Mama, Papa, Aiii, Coiii, moi...”
Patrick was smiling, giving him high five, saying ‘bravo’, until he noticed that everyone else was in complete silence with their mouths open.
“What?”
“Dad, he doesn’t talk yet.”
“What do you mean? Let’s do it again for these idiots. Who is that, Frankie?”
The scene repeated itself. Simona jumped up, grabbed Francois, and started kissing him. Andre was right there with tears in his eyes. Francois clapped Andre’s face with one of his nodding smiles. They both started laughing, and Francois clapped.
“I have to show up for this kid to talk?” Patrick laughed. “Holy moly. Frankie, come back to me. Let me teach you a few more words.”
“That’s not a good idea, dad. He would start swearing before talking.” Arye was being his usual sarcastic self, and Cori was in unusual agreement.
It was a great evening. The impossible became possible. Everyone Simona loved was at the table in peaceful harmony. Everyone? She finally realized the missing piece. Philippe…
The hotel had a wonderful terrace overlooking the Mediterranean Sea. It was a Saturday morning. Everyone was enjoying the view, the seabirds, and a fabulous breakfast buffet. Philippe walked in, greeted everyone, and sat down with his plate of food. Because he was so natural and normal about it, everyone’s brain took a pause until Arye reacted.
“WTF? Philippe?”
Philippe got up laughing, properly greeting everyone with hugs, kisses for Simona and Francois. He grabbed Francois who was visibly excited. He was speaking French to him, asking him who he was, and to everyone’s shock again, he answered.
“Pipe,” then, “moi,” pointing first at Philippe, then his own little chest.
“Philippe, you knew he talked?” Cori asked.
“No. That’s a first. Très bien.”
“Did you teach him ‘moi’?” Simona asked.
“I kept telling him names, and when pointing at him, I just say ‘moi, Francois’. But you keep doing the same thing, so what’s the problem?”
“Nothing, except that last night he said everyone’s name with such nonchalance that he shocked us all.”
“Ahhhh. But you guys already figured out that he is playing us all, right?”
“We talked about the ‘looks’ he gives us sometimes,” Andre added.
“Yes, so much behind those eyes. An old soul.” Philippe reverted back to Francois, giving him his full attention, speaking in French. Arye and Cori were intrigued by the unconventional, nontraditional approach. They grew up in family settings with many children around. Everyone had younger siblings, always babies around. This kid was like nothing they had ever seen.
“Mom, you are going to rob this kid of his childhood if you keep this up,” Arye said.
“Keep what up?”
“You know, the adult talk. The lack of goo goo gaga.”
“I never did that with either of you, and you turned out ok, I think.”
“Your mother is right. She hated the sweet baby talk. She always said she didn’t want to talk to her children like they were retarded,” Patrick jumped in. “I remember at some party she was telling her theory about how babies are born with great intelligence which they keep until they learn to speak. They look at us adults like the morons who don’t understand them.”
“How well did that theory go?”
“You can just imagine, Arye.”
“Doesn’t matter what any of us think. One day we are going to find out.”
“Spoken like a true ex
pert, Philippe.”
“Well, the whole world would argue otherwise, but I do have some good news. A surprise, actually.” Philippe had a mysterious smile on.
“For whom?”
“Yes, Cori, you are part of the group.”
“Haha. That’s all I needed to know. Thanks, Philippe.”
All eyes were on Philippe who was still holding Francois. He pulled out an envelope and started talking in French to Francois. Francois clapped in excitement as if he understood. “I have four tickets to an event. If your name is called, you are the lucky winner. Ok, Francois, are you ready?”
Philippe took four large tickets out, gave them to Francois one by one, pointing to Arye, Cori, and Andre. Francois said their names perfectly, until he got to Patrick. Everyone was staring at Francois, curious about the outcome. He has not seen Patrick for months. Philippe couldn’t teach him his name. Last night was the only time he could have heard his name. Francois turned around looking at everyone. Cori tried to help him out by whispering. Then he turned to Philippe. Philippe patiently repeated the question, pointing at Patrick. Francois smiled, like one of those smiles 'you wanted to trick me’, and came up with his final answer. “Pat.”
The reaction was a spectrum of ‘holy shit’ to laugher, clapping, all the way to disbelief. Then the unthinkable happened. Francois put his right hand on his chest. “Moi?”
“Haha. No, no, no. You are too little to go to a raging soccer stadium.”
“Wait. Where are they going?” Simona exclaimed.
“They are going to see Real Madrid and Manchester United,” Philippe said.
“Sweet. Thanks, Philippe.” The boys were ecstatic, checking out their tickets. Patrick joined them in their excitement. Andre had no reaction. For lack of a better word, he was frozen.
“You are the bomb, Philippe. This is unbelievable. Wait. It’s tonight.”
“Yes, Arye. You have to leave in an hour.”
“Wait. Where is my ticket?”
“It’s a boys’ trip, Simona.”
“What? How chauvinistic.” Simona was pretending to be mad.
“You are not coming either?” Cori was inquiring.
“Me? Football? Hell no,” Philippe was answering Cori, but was really checking out Andre’s reaction. Andre finally snapped out of his brain freeze and figured out the plot. Philippe had a perfect distraction plan to ship everyone off and to have alone time with Simona. Andre’s instincts were to reject the invite, but he couldn’t bring himself to ruin everyone’s excitement. Simona’s intuition was that Andre’s uneasy feeling was turning into resentment. She touched his leg under the table and kissed him.
“So what are you guys going to do?” Patrick asked.
“Sightseeing. This is only my second time in Barcelona. Philippe, you are my tour guide,” Simona said.
“Avec plaisir, Madame,” Philippe smiled.
Simona felt Andre’s leg tense and knew she had to put him at ease. After breakfast she asked to go for a beach walk and asked the others if they could watch Francois for a while. It was almost comical how they all volunteered to babysit.
❖ ❖ ❖
“Talk to me, Andre.”
“I think my fears are turning into paranoia, especially after our last talk.”
“I understand, but you are channelling all your insecurities onto Philippe.”
“I can’t help it, Blondie. He is a threat.”
“You have growing resentment. Pretty soon it’s going to be some bitter indignation of being treated unfairly.”
“Yes, it’s unfair. To him, too. I should feel gratitude. I found you, thanks to him. But I can’t help but feel threatened. I entered your world. A world that I don’t know, a world that I feel I have no say in. A world that I may get in, or be denied entrance. I never felt this way. I was never scared like this. I have never felt this powerless.”
Simona was stunned by his raw and honest confession. This wasn’t the old Trouble, who would bullshit his ego way in, who lacked remorse or direction. This was a man with determination in his eyes, willing to do anything to preserve, protect, and fight for his beliefs.
“Look, Philippe’s visit is a surprise to me. We do have unfinished conversation, and maybe he is here to finish it,” Simona said.
“Does this have anything to do with your relationship with him?”
“Yes, but not the way you are thinking. It’s more being ready to talk. I told him to take time.”
“Simona, do you love him?”
“The short answer is ‘yes.’ The elaborated version is I love many, in many different ways. The definition of love is a deep affection, an intense feeling. For me, it’s more of a spiritual connection.”
“Are you in love with him then?”
“I think the better question is 'Do you want to be with him?’”
“Well, which of those are you ready to answer?”
“I’m not sure if I want to be with anyone. I found happiness on my own. Yes, with many others in my life that now I can’t imagine without. I was honest in Paris. I need to process. I need to figure this out. I need to be alone.”
“What exactly are you saying? Are you leaving me again?”
“I never left you. You left me...”
“Oh, and now you don’t need me, so I should go?”
“No. Now I finally pieced my life and my heart together. It took me years, but I’m here. I created a life that I love. I have painful experiences, but I don’t have pain inflicted upon me.”
“And that’s what I represent?”
Simona’s silence was an affirmation to Andre’s words. She wanted to make it better, but she needed to stay true and honest. He knew he deserved it, even earned that position. But it didn’t make it any easier or less painful.
“Andre, love is not just the infatuation, the attraction, even addiction. Love is long term passion, but with character and integrity. I’ll take trust over infatuation.”
“And you don’t trust me because trust is earned.”
“What is it that you want from a relationship?”
“I guess something very different than before. I never had anyone like you. I never had someone who believed in me. With you, I always wanted to be the better version of me. I grew not inches, but feet. The amount of adversity we went through and survived made our relationship stand on pillars that can withstand anything.”
“I need to feel safe. You took that away from me. And I had to dig really deep to find it again. I found it for Francois. I take safety before love now. Without feeling safe, I will never feel loved again.”
“I get that. And I can give you that. I just need a chance to prove it to you. I deserve one more chance, and you know it. We deserve another chance.”
“I hear what you are saying, but I’m not even convinced if I want a partner.”
“I want that chance.”
“If I do, it has to be someone who is honest, talks, shows empathy. Someone who is going to let me be my true self with him, who believes in growing, supporting each other into our best possible selves.”
“Blondie, we did all that! That’s what we are all about. We are like one. We are meant to be together because we understand each other, even without talking.”
“Hmm. Yes and no. The honesty, the empathy, the caring, the sticking it out when it gets tough...”
“Ok, I deserve that one. And I’m not going to just dismiss that on my immaturity. I fucked up. I even deserved my punishment. But I’m deeply sorry. I learned my lessons, and I’m willing to spend the rest of my life proving it to you...”
“Right or wrong?” Simona was trying to lighten up the serious mood.
“It depends on your verdict.”
“Haha. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.”
The rest of the walk was in silence. They held hands, watched the sea, felt the sand, and ignored the rest of the world, deeply lost in their thoughts.
Back at the hotel, everyone was getting ready,
packing extra clothes, getting excited. Simona thought Francois was ready for his first nap, but the boys got him all wild and laughing. They taught him to fall down on the cushion, crossing his hands on his chest and saying ‘uff.’ Simona and Andre walked in as Cori and Arye were falling down with Francois in the middle, copying each other, busting out laughing. Philippe was on the phone, and Patrick was laughing hysterically. The atmosphere was contagious. Simona and Andre couldn’t resist laughing with them.
The car was ready downstairs. Francois passed out from laughing exhaustion in the meantime, and the boys were ready to go to their first Real Madrid game. Andre kissed sleeping Francois. The knot in his stomach was turning into anxiety. He walked over to Simona and hugged her.
“Blondie, do I have to worry?”
“Leaving me here with Philippe?”
“That too.”
“Andre, don’t be silly. That’s the least of your worries.”
“Is it?”
“Seriously. I had a couple of years to do it, but I would wait until I shipped you off for a few hours? Come on.”
“It’s not the physical part. With you it’s never the physical. Your disciplined mind can control that. It’s what you call the ‘soul to soul’ connection.”
“Yes, that I have...”
“And the safety, before love...”
“That, he earned…” Simona smiled in an agreement, which was like a stab for Andre.
“So, let me ask you again. Blondie, do I need to be worried?”
“Not today. Today is an honest day.”
Andre wasn’t sure if he got the answer he wanted, but he hugged and kissed Simona as if he never wanted to leave. He probably wouldn’t until the knock on the door.
12
"I'M READY... ATTRAVERSIAMO."