by Marten, Mimi
“I didn’t want glory or big speeches. The only thing I wanted tonight was to see you happy, Andre. Nothing else. I have been doing shots to calm my nerves. I’m tired, I’m horny, and I didn’t get what I wanted! So, you know what??! Fuck You and You!” she was pointing from Andre to Philippe. ”And Good night!”
You could hear a pin drop. The only noise was the pounding clicks of Simona’s heels. It was like a giant clock tower, a countdown. She was almost by Jada when she turned around and walked back to the bar. The sharp sound of her heels hitting the marble floors was giving everyone chills up their spine, already in shock, holding their breaths.
“Didi, can you please unhook the ivory closure?”
Damian opened the top of the zipper. Simona reached with her arm behind her back so high up like a snake woman and pulled the zipper down. The dress dropped to her feet, and she stood there in her perfectly shaped bra and beautiful, lacy underwear. It was a stunning definition of ivory color on her tan, lean body with cheeky boy cut bottoms, exposing her perfectly perky butt.
She stepped over the dress and turned around to face the three men.
“All you cared about tonight is this dress. You can have it.”
It was a shocking moment from a Hollywood movie where all the people in the room just stand there gobsmacked. Perfect timing to run for the exit. Simona had to grab Jada like a coat on her way out. It took something very special to bring Jada to a state of shock. Nothing usually fazed her.
“WTF just happened?”
“It was wet anyway.”
“Well, were are we going now?”
“Anywhere. Just drive already.”
“Considering we have no wallets and your outfit, it may have to be nature. On second thought, with your outfit we don’t need money. We will get free drinks.”
“Very funny. Let’s go to my house,” Simona slumped back into the car seat.
❖ ❖ ❖
Back at the chateau, Jada’s husband David was already told not to wait for her. She was going to be on friend duty. He loved Simona and knew their friendship well enough to stay away and not ask questions. Philippe was holding Andre who was on his way to chase Simona, telling him she needed to cool off first.
“Jada, what did I do wrong?”
“Nothing. This is not one of your ’start from yourself bullshit.’ It was totally circumstantial. You couldn’t make this shit up even if you wanted to.”
“Did I mess it up for him tonight?”
“No, he got stuck, and nothing was gonna fix it.”
“I don’t know what got into him. The whole day was a limbo between jealousy and obsession.”
“My favorite part besides the dance and the striptease was, ‘fuck you and kiss my ass!’”
“It wasn’t a striptease. I had underwear on. And I didn’t say ‘kiss my ass.’”
“Wet underwear. As in see through. You know - seeing it all.”
“Still not a striptease. The definition is a sexual, seductive, and gradual removal of clothes.”
“Oh, ok, I’ll give you that. You dropped the shit without music, and ‘I’m horny’ is not sexual enough for you?”
“Oh, Lord! Was my father-in-law there?”
“You may be safe there. I think only Adam was there out of the Zatopek clan.”
“Jada, what happened to him?”
“Andre? Well, just think about it. You shipped him off...”
“What? It was his dream destination. On his bucket list!”
“I’m just saying that he was away from the two of you on his birthday.”
“It’s just a fricking date. And I had no control over this whole expedition.”
“Stop with this annoying defense. Shut up already.”
“Fine.”
“I’m just trying to see it through his eyes. Isn’t that what you preach?”
“How am I the bad guy here?”
“You are not, but shut the stubborn voice up. Simona, try. Please.”
“I get your point. I shipped him off to be able to make all the arrangements and the grand surprise, not realizing how it could make him feel to be away from us. I get that.”
“Ok, now we are onto something. Then lady Mounia shows up....”
“And he gets all crazy about who in my life is important enough to buy me a dress like that.”
“I’m proud of you. You got it.”
“I guess I got some ironing to do tomorrow.”
“Ok, Black & Decker.”
“Oh, God, it’s Rowenta.”
“Who cares?!”
“You should. If you want to be a smart ass, you need to get it right. The best iron is and always has been Rowenta.”
“Ok then, iron nazi. I shall see you tomorrow. Wait. Who bought the dress anyway?”
“Good night, Jada.”
“You are evil like Scarlett O’Hara. ‘As God is my witness, I shall…’"
“…'never be hungry again?’”
“Fuck that shit. I could lose some weight. I shall find out.”
“Haha. As Scarlett said, ‘I’ll think about it tomorrow.’”
“You bet your skinny ass I will.”
“Good night, Jada. I love you.”
“Get some sleep. Love you, too.”
❖ ❖ ❖
Jada walked into a room full of men drinking by the bar and women sipping midnight tea outside. The only sober ones were the bartender and Mr. Arnaud.
“Before anyone asks me anything, she is safely home, and someone needs to find Andre a bed.”
“I’m going home,” Andre protested.
“Hell no!” Jada stood firm in front of him. “Your drunken, sorry ass is bunking with someone here.”
“I need to talk to her.”
“Your house is full of kids. You are in no shape for a conversation. Maybe tomorrow. Philippe, he is all yours.”
“Thanks, Jada,” Philippe said. “That was my dream ending as a host.”
“Just tell her tomorrow that she owes you.”
Jada was about to say good night when Damian started another round.
“Why is it that you don’t want to marry her, Andre?”
“What? Are we back to my non-existing proposal?”
“I’m just curious. Is it money you are worried about? If that’s the problem, you can always sign a prenup.”
“Wait, you think she wants to marry him for money?” Jada was getting furious.
“No, of course not. Everybody knows they are perfect for each other, and the love is real. I’m just saying if that is holding him back...”
“Prenup for whom?” Jada was staring Damian down.
“What? What do you mean?”
“Well, Andre, are you going to say something?”
“I would love to, Jada, but I can’t. I swore not to. It’s not my choice.”
“I can’t believe you are going to let all these people think she is a housewife, living large off your money.”
“Again, not my choice, not my call,” Andre walked out, and everyone looked even more confused.
“What does that mean, Jada?”
“Oh, no. Double whammy. How did you two become friends? Ashley is a total CIA, and Radka proved to be the FBI. Don’t you two gang up on me now.”
“Well, you heard the man. He can’t, but you can.”
“Nice strategy, Ashley. Let’s just say it’s not Philippe or Andre who paid for your asses to come here.”
“Simona? How?”
“She is a trust fund baby.”
“Trust fund from a communist country? Yeah, right,” Radka was laughing.
“Damn. Forgot about you, Czech FBI. Ok, well, you know she is a writer.”
“Come on, Jada. Writing for magazines doesn’t pay for a castle.”
“Look, until I talk to her, she won a lottery. Okay?”
Jada left Ashley and Radka puzzled, walked to the bar, and ordered a shaken, very dirty martini.
“I can’t stand it ei
ther,” Philippe appeared out of nowhere and joined her for a drink.
“Philippe, why?”
“You know her. It’s all about her privacy, identity, and Francois.”
“How do their best friends not know?”
“You know. I know. Andre knows. Her kids know. That’s all that matters to her.”
“How about the family?”
“His or hers?”
“Her family doesn’t know either?”
“Not even her sister.”
“What? Her twin sister doesn’t know?”
“I’m pretty sure not.”
“How did she manage to do that? That’s crazy, Philippe.”
“I know. But for once Andre is off the hook on this one.”
“She would rather come across as a dependent housewife who waits for a proposal?”
“Yeah, like that’s believable.”
“Well, that’s what they all think!”
“Well, you know what she says.”
In perfect harmony, they both lifted up their martini glasses with Simona’s famous toast, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”
21
"HOW MANY MARRIED COUPLES DO YOU KNOW THAT ARE TRULY HAPPY?"
ANOTHER NICE SUNNY morning in the south of France. Simona made breakfast for the boys. Francois and Mateas were fully entertaining each other, and she could finally spend time with Arye. They talked about many things including his school, his soccer, the girls, last night’s party…
“Good morning,” Elise slept in, grateful for the glass of water with aspirin on her nightstand.
“Finally, grandma,” Francois exclaimed. “Mama said we couldn’t use the pool until you woke up. It’s nine o’clock. How can you sleep so long?”
“Oh my God! My apologies. I should have known. Your brotherhood is gonna be on my case today.”
“Grandma, you woke Mateas up with your snoring.”
“Me? I don’t snore. That had to be you.”
“Grandma! Everyone knows that about you. That’s why you always get the corner room.”
“Francois! That is so impolite,” Simona scolded Francois.
“Mama, I’m not being mean. I’m just explaining.”
“God help us all with this one.”
Elise was laughing, kissing both grandsons, walking back to the kitchen for some coffee. She returned with a coffee mug and a croissant in her hand.
“Grandma! You can’t eat those. You are a dieter.”
“Not dieter, silly, diabetic.”
“I stand corrected. Excuse me, mama, diabetic.”
Simona looked at Arye and said, “Who says that? I stand corrected?”
“Especially at age four,” Arye agreed. “Mom, you have some serious issue with this kid.”
“I don’t talk like that. Maybe Philippe.”
“Mama, you need to take that croissant from grandma. I can’t be the responsible adult. We are going for a swim.”
Everyone was laughing. Simona got up to take Elise’s croissant with a guilty gesture, promising to replace her breakfast with wholegrain toast. She returned to the patio which was full of laughter, splashing water, and amazing harmony. Elise finally asked, “Is Andre still sleeping?”
“Yeah, mama, where is Papa? Can we wake him up already?”
“Papa stayed at the chateau last night. He was having so much fun that all his friends wanted him to stay.”
Elise grabbed her wrist and whispered, “What happened? What did he do?”
“I love you, Elise. Any other mother-in-law would say ‘what did you do?’”
“Seriously, mom, did we miss something?” Arye continued the questioning.
“Oh yeah, you missed quite the show. And no, not the time or place to talk about it.”
“Mom, I’m sorry. I know how much yesterday meant to you.”
“Yesterday was beyond anything I could envision or produce. It was a memorable day, a collective effort of many.”
“I know you don’t like to take compliments. That’s not what I meant. I know how much you wanted to make Andre happy. I’m just sorry it didn’t work out that way.”
“It may not have been a happy ending per se, but it was a fantastic and definitely very memorable evening.”
“I’m going to kick his ass, no matter if you tell me or not,” Elise had determination written all over.
“I’ll go with you, Elise. Ass whooping, here we come,” Arye said.
“Stop with the nonsense you two. I have some ironing to do as well, so you are on babysitting duty.”
“What’s the plan? I’d like to go to town. Can I take the car?”
“Yes, how about you take the boys and grandma to the Bed and Breakfast and then go while I take the other car and go to the chateau.”
“But we don’t get to do the ass whooping.” Arye didn’t even finish the sentence.
“Who is getting whooped?” Mateas was inquiring.
“Probably Papa. Mama always says he is legally required to be in his bed in the morning and have breakfast with us,” Francois said as a matter of fact.
Everyone was laughing out loud. The mood was great. Arye was stunned by his overly mature baby brother again.
Simona waved them off, rushed to the bedroom to put her bathing suit on. She was trying to figure out a cover-up, finally picking a long, race-backed red summer dress with white stripes. It was a simple, sporty dress by Ralph Lauren. The color was fresh, and the simplicity made it chic and easy. That was the look and also the approach she was going for: easy, open, and simple.
❖ ❖ ❖
Simona was driving and was lost in her thoughts. As she pulled into the gate, a runner came out of nowhere. She barely had time to slam on her brakes.
“Are you crazy? I almost killed you!” She yelled out of the car window.
“I am crazy? I thought the title was yours.”
“Funny,” she smiled. “Chef Bernard, you would be the last person I would pick for exercise of any kind.”
“And how do you suppose I keep this fabulous body in shape?”
“Fabulous perhaps. In shape, who knows?”
“You are awful. Delicious, I heard, but awful.”
“What do you know? Spill it.”
“You are guilty of transforming this lovely, historical jewel chateau into a whore house!”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Yes. Thanks to your performances last night, they all turned into horny rabbits. The moans were coming from everywhere. The only two schmucks that didn’t get any last night were the two in love with you.”
“Wow, you already had an omelette with funny mushrooms this morning?”
“Laugh as much as you want, but you didn’t get any last night either.”
“And how would you know?”
“Hmm. You are bluffing. Wait. Your friend?”
“Nobody gives it to me like Jada.”
“Not buying. She came back too fast. Even stirred some money shit.”
“What? What do you know? Spill it before I ship your ass back to Paris on the train.”
“All I know is that I wasn’t out of the kitchen yet when you decided to go full monty.”
“Spear me the poor me. It was way past dessert time, and there was no chef to be found in the kitchen at that hour. So you had to be busy, but somewhere else.”
“You are simply wretched!”
“So how do you know all that if you were not there?”
“I make it my business to know.”
“Would you like a ride, Monsieur Bernard?”
“I’ll beat you there.”
Simona tried to run him over, but Bernard was surprisingly fast as he beat her to the parking lot.
“I’m impressed. But if you are hoping for mouth to mouth rescue, I have to warn you, you are going to drop dead.”
“Your sarcasm is turning me on.”
Simona got out of the car, and Bernard gave her the head to toes check.
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“Are you kidding me? You go from Mata Hari last night to playing Mother Teresa today?”
“It’s a simple, full-length summer dress.”
“Hope you got some bikini under that.”
Bernard was smiling with his hands crossed on his chest, waiting for proof of his theory. But Simona shut him down with stink eye, and he gave up his hope.
“I can only imagine the torture you were going through last night. You should have had a threesome of ‘poor us.’”
“Sadly, you are underestimating me. I wasn’t drooling, spying with my ear on the wall. I was part of the orchestra,” Bernard said proudly.
“What? Are you nuts? Whom?”
“Relax, not your guests.”
“My staff?”
“Well, technically it’s not yours, and it wasn’t mine. It was Mr. Arnaud’s.”
“You are unbelievable. Poor girl. Let’s just hope she was a consenting adult.”
“It was a night she won’t forget, and she was very happy to be sleeping at the castle versus the dormitory.”
“Hmm, you confessed your sins. Now spill what you know about last night.”
“You are soooo going to owe me.”
“Bernard!”
“Okay, okay. What do you want to know?”
“To start with, who was there?”
“All the men, some women.”
“Zatopek clan?”
“The seniors left right before. Only your Don Juan was there. And by the way, I got to see the dance. Wow.”
“You are going to make me blush. How about the other brother? Anton.”
“Not sure, but I think he was still talking to his helicopter wife at the table which was too low for any visual.”
“How many staff?”
“You are asking the same questions. We were destined to be soul mates.”
“Stop fooling around. Except the bartender, who else was there?”
“For your performance and speech, I think it was just the bartender and Arnaud. But some saw you leaving out the front. Those gave a detailed description of every lace, every hair, and every freckle.”
“Well, I hope you didn’t pay for your information. Clearly, you have been taken for a ride, considering I don’t have any hair or freckles.”