“He’s waiting for you, Lulu. Go.”
“I love you, Dad.”
“You are my heart, Louisa.”
I leaned into his arms and he held me.
Days passed, turning into weeks. Weeks became months and before I knew it, Micah and I had been an inseparable couple for over a year. In him, I found a lover and a friend. When we were apart, I couldn’t wait until we’d be together. We worked on projects at the house. He taught me how to do things on my own. His patience with me was praiseworthy; he had a black thumbnail from a nail I missed and he didn’t pull away quick enough. Every minute with him made me happy.
He hadn’t given up the apartment, but he was living at my house. Sundays were filled with family dinners at Fiona’s, or we’d take an excursion somewhere. I loved every moment we were together.
September 2010
Micah told me that he’d planned a vacation for us. It was September and I packed from the list of things he’d given me to take for our surprise getaway.
“Where are we going?” I asked as we got in the car.
“Really, Lulu–it’s a surprise.”
I pouted.
“I’ll only tell you this. A while back when I was fixing that shelf in the book cabinet, I picked up a book and a paper fell to the floor. It was a paper about your desire to go to this place. I tucked it back into the book when I was done, but your words moved me. So, Googled pictures and found the same beauty you wrote of. I knew I had to take you there.”
I tried to think of every paper I’d ever written and couldn’t settle on a place that I wanted to go. He noticed.
“Just let me surprise you.” He picked up my hand and brought it to his lips.
We arrived at the airport and made our way to the gate telling me we were flying to Atlanta.
“Atlanta?” I asked.
“Nope.”
“Are you going to tell me anything?” I asked, as we waited to board.
“Nope.” He looked at me and smiled. The look on his face warmed my heart in a way I can’t explain.
When we arrived in Atlanta, he hurried me to a gate that said Boston.
“Boston!”
“For a minute,” he chuckled.
When we finally arrived, he led me to the car rental desk to pick up a car.
The clerk leaned forward and spoke softly. “The address is programmed in and you’re ready to go.”
We loaded our things and hit the road. “Are you ever going to tell me where we’re going?”
“You’ll know soon enough. It’s not that far.” He reached over and squeezed my knee. “I really want this to be a surprise.”
We pulled up in front of a large white house, and then I saw it: Walden Pond Bed and Breakfast.
“Walden Pond! Thoreau…oh my goodness! This is a beautiful surprise! I love it. Micah, this is so sweet.” I leaned across the seat to kiss him.
It was cool when we stepped out of the car. I looked to the house and an older woman stepped out on the porch to greet us.
“Mr. Flinn?” she asked.
“Yes ma’am, Micah and this is Louisa.”
Hearing him use my given name felt so different. I don’t think he’d ever used it before, but at this moment, Lulu didn’t seem appropriate.
“Welcome to the Inn.”
I looked around as Micah took care of checking us in.
“You’ll be staying in the room I have that looks toward the woods. I understand that this is something special for you,” she said to me. She led us up the stairs to the room, proudly opening the door when we got there.
“It’s beautiful,” I said.
“Dinner will be in an hour. At your suggestion I made what I would eat for my own dinner. You’re my only guests this weekend, so I’ll enjoy your company.”
She turned to go. “Wait. Please,” I said. “What’s your name?”
She smiled. “Pardon my manners, Estelle Walden, coincidence, no relation.”
After she left, I looked around the room. It was decorated with antique furnishings, and there was a quilt on the bed. I went to the window where I observed the sun setting below the trees. I couldn’t wait to see the morning in the pond.
“Are you happy?”
There was a chair in the corner; I motioned for him to have a seat. I joined him. Sitting on his lap, I draped my arms around his neck and whispered in his ear.
“I couldn’t be happier.”
“I hope you can.” He seemed reflective.
“What does that mean?” I laughed.
“I was going to ask you when we went to the woods in the morning, but I can’t stand it any longer. I have to know. Now.”
He lifted me from his lap and went to his bag and dug to pull something out. As soon as he had the box in his hands, I knew. I knew that my life with Micah Flinn was about to change. I felt my heart slam against my chest.
“I wanted it to be special. I know what those woods mean to you, because I read your heart in that paper. I can’t wait. I’m praying that this goes the way I hope.” He took a deep breath. It seemed he needed to calm himself. At last, he continued.
“Louisa, my heart hasn’t beat the same since you agreed to go out with me the first time. I’ve loved you since the night you let me stay when I followed you home from the bar; the night my dad died. I had lunch with your dad the other day to ask him for his blessing. Lulu, he cried. I cried.”
He took another deep breath to continue. “I can’t imagine another day, or night, without knowing that you will be my wife. I need you. I need you to share your life with me. I need you for however long forever can be. I love you so much.”
He opened the box and my tears came in a flood. “Louisa, will you marry me?”
He wrapped me in his arms. With my head on his chest, I felt his heart beat. It was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. I curled tighter and he held me closer in his arms.
“Yes. Yes, Micah. Being your wife would make me happier than anything I can imagine. You were right. I could be happier.”
He looked at the clock. “We have forty minutes. Can you just lay here with me and let me hold you while we drink all of this in?”
We lay on the bed. Micah put his arms around me and held me close. His face buried in my neck, his breath warm, I felt myself wrapped in his love.
“Micah,” he squeezed me. “When?”
“You call this, no matter what my sisters say,” he laughed. “They’ll try hard to wrangle this up and make it a big hoo-ha. But this is our forever. Whatever you want, as long as you say yes when they ask ‘Do you take this man to be your husband?’”
We cleaned up for dinner. Ms. Walden had Yankee pot roast waiting.
“I mash the potatoes, I don’t mind them cooked in with the meat, but I want them mashed. I see that rock on your finger. Thought you were proposing in the woods at daylight,” she said, directing the comment to Micah.
“I just couldn’t wait,” he said, his smile radiating. He turned to me and added, “Ms. Walden and I have been talking for weeks.”
“My daughter, Darcy will be here with a Boston Crème Pie in a few minutes. I knew you couldn’t wait.” Her smile was like a mother’s love. “When she walked in the door, I saw your face. I knew it wouldn’t wait until morning. Thank you for sharing this occasion with me.”
After the Boston Crème Pie, Micah and I went out to the porch to sit on the steps. We sat close together. With his arm around me, we counted stars, pointing out the constellations we could recognize. It was dark and the sky so clear, but I’m quite sure that what I saw was more than God’s display. I saw different stars because I was so happy. This man would soon be my husband.
“I’m still reeling from all of this,” I said. He glanced my way and smiled. “Not that I didn’t think about a future with you, because I hoped there would be. I just didn’t know when we’d figure it out.”
“I’ve just been waiting on you, and then I was waiting on the right moment. Every m
orning I wake up before you, and I know that ring is in my safe at work waiting. I couldn’t wait. I love you, Lulu.”
We sat in the quiet. I was imagining our wedding. I knew I didn’t want a big wedding, but I had to keep his family in mind as we made any plans. They were big, loud, and proud. I smiled thinking of them.
“It’s our wedding, not theirs,” he smiled.
“When did you start reading minds?”
“I just know that one,” he said and tapped my temple with a finger. “Lulu, you’ve made me the happiest man on earth.”
We sat on the porch a while longer and finally went inside. There was a note from Ms. Walden on the table.
Lock the door. Turn off the light. Sunrise is at 6:12. Follow the path I’ve drawn for the best viewing spot. It’ll be chilly, take a sweater. Sleep well. My place is in the back of the house.
“I think she told us she’s at the back of the house, so we don’t feel inhibited.” Micah’s smile warmed my soul.
He took my hand and led me up the stairs. We undressed and crawled in the bed. The man I loved held me in his arms, his fingers lightly drawing circles on my back.
What happened next was the most beautiful lovemaking I could ever imagine. It was slow. It was romantic. It was Micah showing me love like I never knew was even possible.
This man. I couldn’t live without this man.
I heard a soft beeping sound and turned to find Micah trying to stop it. “Good morning,” he said, wrapping me in a hug.
“Sunrise already?”
“Soon, come on.”
We dressed and went out the door following the map Estelle Walden had drawn for us. There was a mist on the water as the light of day was beginning to illuminate the sky. There were ducks on the pond, and I heard birds calling out.
“Listen,” I said, squeezing Micah’s hand.
“What is it?”
“Nothing. Isn’t it beautiful?”
We found a downed tree and sat to watch the golden hues of daylight breach the tree line.
“It’s amazing,” I whispered. “Thank you.”
We sat there in the quiet, the ducks on the lake waking their neighbors with their calls that morning had arrived.
Micah finally stood. Taking my hand, he pulled me to my feet. We walked a bit and found a sign with the famous quote from Thoreau’s book, Walden.
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”
“I couldn’t have done it,” I said aloud.
“Done what?” Micah asked.
“Come out here alone. I mean, this is an amazingly beautiful place, but he came here to be alone to live, to prove that he could, I guess. He needed solitude in order to focus on his writing, prove his individualism, and to live off the land. It wasn’t even his; it belonged to Ralph Waldo Emerson. Did you know that? Thoreau was an environmentalist, a critic, and an abolitionist. He was a smart, sad man, who came here to see what life could teach him.”
“His works weren’t what interested me, it was his love of this,” I swept my hand toward the pond. “His passion for this…the changes in seasons from one to the next…that’s what I love. It was on my bucket list, and you know me well enough to know that. I love this place.”
We walked around the lake as the day came alive.
“Thoreau makes you know the beauty of nature, seeing it is the best reward. ‘In her midst I can be glad with an entire gladness.’ No one but my dad ever got that about me. Keelin focuses on the structure of things. He knows the great works, but he’s told me that he rarely finds the passion that I do. I could make every student I ever teach want to come to this spot, because of Thoreau. Thank you for bringing me in the fall. The colors are a different kind of alive than the springtime. Listen.”
“Loons?” he asked.
“No, listen closely. Can you hear the sweep of the paddles on the water?” He looked around just as a canoe came into view.
“I heard that because of the quiet. How awesome it would be to be out on the water in that quiet. Look over there, it’s like a painting.” I pointed toward the woods across the pond. The way the sunrise touched the trees was an explosion of color, and the water reflected the same.
When we got back to the house, Micah disappeared, while I got ready for whatever the day held. When I came out of the bathroom, he had a tray with muffins and coffee.
“Dinner is at seven, chicken pot pie, and tomorrow, we’re up and out early, we have to be at the pond at five to meet the guy who’s dropping off the canoe.” His smile was all I needed in the world.
When we returned home, there was loud reverie waiting. Fi had reached out to my dad and Keelin, and a party waited that evening when we got to her house. Micah warned me, but I was so happy that nothing could bring me down.
My dad cried as he held me. Hell, everyone cried, but it was my dad’s tears that brought my own. He was happy. We were bombarded with questions of when, where, and all of that. Micah graciously told them we hadn’t had time to think about that yet. Everyone had suggestions, but I knew as we would make our plans, it would be small and meaningful. No circus, and I knew that would disappoint his sisters, but I heard him reassure me that this would be our wedding, not theirs.
We were planning the wedding for June, as soon as the semester was over. Micah was getting things in place to move into the house with me. We were moving things around, happily making room for him and the beginning of our life together. His sisters kept asking about the church for a big Catholic wedding; I continued to tell them that wasn’t what we were doing. I wasn’t ready to change my beliefs just to marry into the family. Micah and I talked about it a great deal. We talked about everything.
“Just so I know where we stand,” he said one evening as we ate dinner. “Tell me about our family going forward.”
“You mean children?” I asked, and he nodded. I pushed my empty plate aside. “I hope we will have children, but not four or six or eight.”
“As long as there is one, I’m good. I can’t imagine the life ahead of us without you and I creating at least one.”
“You know I lost one.” I’d told him about Thom and the baby we made.
“I do know, but it doesn’t matter.”
“But what if I can’t have children. What if something is wrong with me? What if I can’t get pregnant?”
“We will leave that in God’s hands, as long as we aren’t doing anything to prevent it.” Suddenly, the idea of a tiny Micah made me happy.
We made lists of people and places. We were narrowing down a location for the wedding. Once that was secured, we could set the exact date. It was all coming together.
March 2011
I was standing in the lecture hall when I saw Keelin come in the side door. The dean was at his side, and he motioned for me to join him as she went to the head of the hall. He took my hand and I felt his tremble.
“What is it?” My dad was all I could think of.
He didn’t say a word. I felt fear and panic bubbling in the pit of my stomach. I thought I would be sick.
“Keelin!”
Once we were in the teacher’s lounge, he led me to the sofa and cradled me in his arms.
“Micah…” he began.
“Micah what?” I screamed.
“There was a terrible accident.” He was crying. “Micah is gone.”
“What do you mean, gone? “I wailed and fell into his arms. “What do you mean?”
Everything was spinning out of control. I was reaching for Micah, but he wasn’t reaching back. He looked sad and distant. I frantically called out his name over and over. ‘Micah! Micah! Micah!’
I yelled for him to come back. ‘Please don’t go! Come back to me!’ I cried out to him not to leave me, but then it was dark and I couldn’t see him any more.
I cried out again, professing my love
for him. ‘Micah. I love you! Come back. I love you!’ But he couldn’t hear me. It became a muffled, hollow cry. I tried, but I couldn’t crawl back from the hole I’d fallen into. It was lonely and I was afraid…
I opened my eyes and looked around. I was lying in my bed at home, at my dad’s house. I saw my dad beside me. He’d pulled a chair close, and his head was laying on the edge of the bed. I turned and Keelin was in a chair in the corner watching. As I stirred, my dad lifted his head. He’d been crying, and then it all came back to me in a rush. Tears that I had no control over came like a faucet.
“Why?” I cried out. “WHY?”
My dad took my hand, but all he could say was my name, “Lulu.”
Keelin sat up straight and scooted the chair closer. I sat up, wiping my eyes. My head felt as though it would explode.
“Rest,” Keelin said, lovingly petting me.
I lay there trying to comprehend, trying to remember. I remembered him trying to tell me about the fall before I blacked out. “How long have I been here?”
“Just long enough for the sedative they gave you to wear off,” my dad replied. “A couple of hours.”
“What happened? I need to know. I know you were trying to tell me before,” I cried.
“Lulu, not now,” my dad begged. “Not now.”
“I have to know!”
Dad looked to Keelin.
“Are you sure now is the best time?” he asked, scooting closer to the bed, taking my hand in his, holding it to his cheek.
“No time will ever be the best time. I have to know…” My voice trailed off to a whisper.
“It’s still early. Fiona said there’s only a preliminary report; they’re still investigating.” He paused. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”
“I have to hear it.”
“The house he was working in had an open beam…Are you sure, Lulu? It’s bad.”
“I have to know.” My dad squeezed my hand as Keelin tried to continue. I could barely breathe, my chest hurt; no, no, no, it was my heart. It was so tight and heavy.
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