“They were working on scaffolding, but Micah walked out on an open beam.” He hesitated and I saw tears. “He fell three stories. His bones shattered. Fiona says they will not open the casket.”
I started to cry again. My future. My life would now be without Micah Flinn.
My phone rang and Keelin looked at it. “I think it’s Fiona.”
“Hello?” I heard sobbing on the other end.
She was trying to tell me something, but she was crying so hard. Finally, Manny was on the phone. “She’s trying to tell you that we are going to the funeral home later. She wants you to come with us.”
I just held the phone. I couldn’t speak. I was trying to process Micah’s death, but I couldn’t see the Flinn clan as part of that right now. I knew I needed to go.
“When?” I asked.
“At seven. The girls want to get this over with,” he tried to explain, and I understood.
What about me? What about what I want? I was about to marry this man.
“I’ll be there,” I said, and hung up.
“Lulu, I’ll go with you,” my dad said and I nodded.
“They’ll want things their way,” I cried. “I don’t know why they want me there.”
At the funeral home, Fiona wailed. The others tried to comfort her and finally, Eileen came to me. Wrapping her arms around me.
“He would have wanted this…” I heard Fiona say, but I tuned her out. She was obviously the one in charge. I just nodded as she told everyone how it would be. She never asked my thoughts, so I kept them to myself.
As we drove home, my dad was quiet. He reached over and squeezed my hand, and I thought of every time Micah had done the same. I felt lost. I felt myself clawing to climb from that hole again.
The three days leading up to the funeral were a blur. I stayed with my dad. Keelin got whatever I needed from the house. I couldn’t go there.
I know it’s silly, but everything about that house reminds me of my life with him. It was short, but we shared so much in that short time. I don’t know if I can ever sleep there again.
The night before the funeral was the wake. Everyone gathered at Fiona’s home. There were tears and stories, but I felt left out. Everyone was comforting the Flinn family, but it seemed they forgot about me. My dad and Keelin were with me, but even the family seemed to come together to console each other.
Hello…I’m here. Remember me? I’m the one who Micah was going to spend the rest of his life with. I’m hurting, too.
I would go to a group and try to squeeze in, but the Flinns were so big and loud in their grief and loss that I was shuffled away from the center of them. I don’t know that it was intentional, but there we were, my dad, Keelin, and me.
The funeral was worse. I just wanted it to be over. Fiona had me sit with the family, but I wasn’t part of it. I bypassed the gathering afterward.
Several days passed, I couldn’t go to work. I made the motions that were expected of me, in order to make my way through the hours from dawn until the end of each day.
At last, Fiona called, but I didn’t care. She was no one to me now. I decided that I had something to say, so I answered.
“I called you to say I’m sorry,” she said, once I said hello.
“It’s too late, Fiona. Really. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but it’s too late. You made me grieve alone. You seemed to forget that the man I loved was gone. We were planning our life together and you forgot about me.” I heard myself getting loud. I felt tears sting the corners of my eyes. I felt my heart finally letting go of the pain I’d been quietly holding inside.
She was silent, so I continued.
The tears came faster, and I got louder. Through every sob that I tried to contain, my anger bubbled to the surface. “I’m trying to get through every waking moment, every day, and figure out just how to do that. You were all so wrapped up in each other that you left me out. Shame on you!” I shouted through a flood of tears. “Shame on you and your family for pushing me aside!”
It was quiet a moment. Finally, Fiona spoke. “Louisa, you are right. “We were in shock.”
“And you think I wasn’t?” I yelled.
“We were selfish,” she admitted. “I’m sorry.”
“You were selfish and your apology can’t go back and change those days. I grieved alone.” I was a blubbering mess. I began to cry so hard that Dad came around the corner.
“Do you need me?” he asked and sat down to comfort me.
I handed him the phone. “Hello?”
“It’s Fiona. I fear we’ve messed up far too much for Louisa’s forgiveness.” I could hear her.
“She’s hurting,” Dad replied.
“Micah left something with Eileen. It’s for Louisa. We’d like to meet with her.” Fiona started to cry, but I didn’t care.
“You can come to the house, but not a group of you. Lulu is overwhelmed by this,” he told her.
“Eileen and Fiona will come by this evening,” Dad told me after he hung up.
As the evening went on, I paced. I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t want to hear anything they had to say. I didn’t want to hear their apologies. But I did wonder what Micah had left for me.
At seven there was a knock on the front door. Dad looked to me.
“I’ll get it. I’m a big girl.” I smiled at him and went to answer it. “Come in.”
Eileen made a move to hug me, but I shook my head no.
“I understand,” she said. “We really do apologize. It was so horrific. We just couldn’t believe it. It was awful. I can’t imagine what it was like for you. You have every reason in the world not to forgive us, but I hope that you will, someday. I hope you will understand.”
Eileen handed me an envelope. “I found this in the safe as I was getting things in order. I have no idea what it is, but it’s got your name on it. We’ll be going now.”
Eileen reached for my hand. “We loved him so much.”
Fiona never said a word. She barely raised her head. She was ashamed and it showed all over her: the blank look, the lack of eye contact, the slumped shoulders, I couldn’t let that affect me.
After they left, I held the envelope in my lap. I didn’t want to open it. I didn’t want to wonder what or why he’d left it. I couldn’t. The part of my heart that grieved the most; the loneliness in my soul begged to know.
I went in my room and opened the envelope.
Dearest Louisa,
I always like to have my things in order; one never knows what tomorrow holds. If you are reading this, it means something has happened. I wanted you to know some things in case I’m not able to tell you.
I looked at the date before I read any further. It was from before we went to Walden Pond. I felt the tears in my eyes as I continued to read.
I love you–madly. I never knew this place in my soul existed until your smile opened the door. I knew from the moment you shared the first, real, genuine smile with me that my life would be forever changed. I fell in love with you in that moment. I’ve never been in love before–a girl here and there, but no one that I dreamed of sharing forever with. You…I can’t stop dreaming of every day to come with you.
I have a beautiful ring in a box as we get ready to head to Walden Pond, and I hope to surprise you. I pray that you say yes and allow me to surprise you every day for our eternity.
But if this letter is in your hands, something has gone wrong. I want to make sure that you know my intentions, even if I’m not here to share them with you. I bought this piece of property for us to build a house on. It’s on the river, a single plot untouched by progress. It’s for our future. I can’t wait to build our future on a clean pallet for your dreams and mine. It’s paid for and the deed is in your name.
I let the paper fall to the floor and fell into my bed crying.
Another Chance
January 2012
I turned thirty-five in October. After Micah, I went through a time of reflection. I took a leave of abs
ence from my job at the university. They told me I could have all the time I needed, but I didn’t know what that would mean. There is so much pain.
I put my house up for sale and moved back with my dad. I couldn’t go back there. Keelin and Dad moved everything to storage until I knew what the future held…
I couldn’t keep the property that Micah left for me. It was intended for our future and every time I thought about it, I’d have a breakdown. Keelin had a friend who was an attorney. He helped me figure out what to do with it. I prayed and prayed about it and finally, Charles Wayman helped me sell it. I donated the money to the Walden Pond Project. After our trip, I think Micah would have liked the idea of that.
March 2012
My house sold quickly, and Dad insisted that I needed to find something else to buy. “You’ve been here too long. It’s not that I want you to leave. I want you to live. You can’t hide here with you dad forever, Lulu.”
I knew he was right. I’ve spent so many years with him–just the two of us–that it’s always comforting to be there.
It didn’t take long. I found a house about two blocks away from Dad and started to rebuild a life that I had no idea what would hold. It had been a year since Micah died. It was time for me to go back to work–return to the living. The Lord knows Keelin nagged me enough that I needed to go back. My biggest fear was that people would walk on eggshells around me. That would make it easier to fall into that black hole again. I’d missed an entire year of teaching, but when I walked in, it was like I hadn’t missed a day. I returned after spring break. Many students came to welcome me back, telling me they’d missed me. It was a good return, and I realized that I was ready.
I worked. I read. I did projects around the house and I tried to live again.
December 2012
Classes ended on Friday December seventeenth and I was ready. Two weeks off, and I was ready for the downtime to relax. I was looking forward to the time away from work to complete some projects around the house. I was still setting up the room that was supposed to be a formal sitting room as an office. I bought a desk that was scheduled for delivery Saturday morning. I’d been working off a folding table for a while and I was ready for it to look like an office.
After everything was hooked back up and plugged in, I decided to spend some time catching up. I had pictures to hang and a shelf to build to complete my project, but I needed a distraction. I hadn’t been in contact with anyone but Keelin and Rachael in months. I pulled up Facebook. I hadn’t been on the site in so long I had to recover my password because I couldn’t remember.
There were hundreds of notifications and I noticed that I had several dozen friend requests. Students, I thought. As I looked through, I found an old friend from high school whose friend request popped up. Students, as I suspected were a big part of the requests. I looked for a while – there was so much. Finally, I went to the kitchen for a drink.
I got side tracked for a while and when I finally returned, I continued making my way trough the list. I saw the name associated with the next request and sucked in a breath.
Thom Miller.
Why?
I clicked the request there were two options: CONFIRM or DELETE REQUEST. I exited Facebook because I didn’t want to decide, but it didn’t leave my mind the remainder of the day.
I busied myself completing my office project. Pictures hung, my desk set just right so I could gaze out the window. It turned out just as I’d imagine all these months.
Around five, Rachael called and wanted to bring a bottle of wine over for some girl time.
“David’s traveling, you and I haven’t seen each other in a while. Let me come over,” she begged.
“I’ll see you in an hour or so,” I replied.
When she arrived, we pulled the cork out of the bottle of wine she’d brought with her.
“The place is looking great by the way,” she said.
“Thanks, it’s an adjustment. A little at a time. I’m trying,” I replied as she handed me a glass of Pinot Grigio.
Sissy white…the memory popped in my head.
I looked around. It was coming together and it made me happy. It was an eclectic, whimsical, happy place. I was trying to move forward.
“Everything is falling in place. I’m happy for you Lulu. You’ve sure had a time.”
I knew she was referring to Micah and moving on. She had some gossip about Jason and a restraining order by his girlfriend for abuse. I listened, but I didn’t care to hear it. I understand that he is in the news quite often–not because of his stellar football career.
We talked for a while and suddenly the words popped out of my mouth. “Thom sent me a friend request on Facebook.”
She just sat there looking at me. Her eyes glazed over. She blink-blink-blinked them eyes as though she was in shock. I knew that feeling.
“Thom Miller?” she asked. “And?”
“Thom Miller, Jr. And, I just don’t know.”
“Are you going to accept the request?” she asked.
I thought a moment. “I think I’d like to know why, after all this time.” I replied honestly.
“How long has it been?”
“A little over nine years.” I took a sip of wine and allowed my mind to wander.
“Did you ever think about him before the Facebook thing?” she asked.
“Sometimes he pops in my thoughts. Not when I was with Micah. No one ever crossed my mind with him.” I felt tears rush to my eyes and leaned my head back hoping I could stop them.
“I have to be honest with myself, Rach. I never really pushed Thom completely aside. I never thought about Jason after we split up. And I don’t want to think about Robbie. Robbie makes me doubt myself, my judgment. And sadly, Micah isn’t coming back. If I’m completely honest, Thom Miller does cross my mind. I wonder what he did after we weren’t a couple anymore. I wonder what he thought, because I never really gave him a chance to tell me. I was too hurt by his reaction to the baby.”
“Then you should send him a private message and ask why.” I’d been thinking the same thing, but I didn’t know if I could bring myself to actually do it.
I turned the conversation to the holiday ahead, and her life with David. Hearing her describe her bliss made me feel sad – but I was happy for her. It seemed that she’d finally found ‘the one.’
After Rachael left, I thought about what she’d said. I think I knew in the back of my mind that I would anyway, but she pushed me a little closer to sending him a note.
Early the next morning, I signed on. It was waiting there, like a beacon. I hesitated for a long time. Finally, I clicked on his name. I didn’t accept or delete it–yet. It gave me the option to send him a message. I sent one word.
Why?
I started looking at something else; ten minutes passed and I got a response.
Because I need to know.
Know what? I asked
How you are, what you’ve been up to, if you miss what we shared?
Purposefully, I waited a while to reply. First, I wasn’t sure what I would say. Second, I wanted to make him to think and wonder of every possibility.
Why? I asked once more.
Lulu, I fucked up. There’s no other way to say it. I. Fucked. Up. I wasn’t prepared for what happened. I handled it all so wrong. I’ve been trying to figure out how to reach out to you for a long time. Early on, you didn’t respond in any way, so I quit-but only for a while. I couldn’t find a way to reach out to you, but I kept looking, Twitter, Facebook. I was surprised when I saw you on here, because I’ve been looking for a while. I looked. I swear, I looked, but I couldn’t find you. I thought about calling but I didn’t know what was going on in your life, where you were… I didn’t want to interrupt the life you were living now, but you have to know I never stopped thinking about you.
If you’d called, I wouldn’t have answered, I replied.
I wouldn’t have stopped looking for a way.
Why now? I nee
ded to know.
Why’d I find you now? Actually it was you who found me. That request has been pending for a very long time. I look every day. Today? Was it fate? Karma? I just kept hoping one day-today was the day, I guess. Tell me about you and what’s been going on in your life.
I thought long and hard before I decided to reply. I wanted to tell him, but I went back and forth–and back and forth again–questioning why I wanted to. Finally, another response from him popped up.
Lulu? Did you leave me again?
That was all it took…
You told me once that it’s always best to speak from the heart. I am pouring it out here, and don’t you make one comment until I say I’m done! I didn’t leave you. You left me! You let me walk away in the middle of the night in the midst of the most emotional thing I’d ever experienced. I was eight when my mother died – I didn’t know grief at that age, but I learned it at twenty-six when I told you about a life we created and you said nothing. Nothing! Not a word! Not. One. Fucking. Word! You stood there and let me walk away. That five-hour drive home was filled with the worst grief I could even imagine at that time in my life. You didn’t call – nothing. In those first days, I thought I’d die because of the hurt you left me with. But I didn’t know then that the grief wouldn’t really hit until I lost the baby. Days passed before you ‘reached out’, as you call it. It was lonely. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t get out of bed. My dad assured me that “we’d figure it out,” but it shouldn’t have been my dad. IT SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN MY DAD, GOD DAMN YOU!
You know, I think I’d have been ok with anything if you’d only responded! Even if you had said you didn’t want a baby, I would have moved on. I would have had a baby on my own, but you said nothing! And then when you did, your profession of love was way too late. You’d already left me for dead. If you had loved me as you said, we’d have worked together to make plans–together or not. But you weren’t man enough to do any of that until it was too late.
Lulu's Loves Page 20