We ran the roads for three months getting things settled in Kiawah and bringing what he wanted with him to Jacksonville. Thom was finally living above the bar. As many times as I encouraged him to just move in with me, he protested. Sometimes I felt hurt over it, but in the end I too want to make sure I have no doubts.
Hooligans saw no real changes–different items were added as specials, but he kept everything pretty much as it was. He enjoyed two crowds of people that were regulars–the locals who lived close by, and the work crowd from surrounding businesses for happy hour. I didn’t go every night, but when I did, there was a barstool that had my name on it–literally. No one sat there but me and it was funny. Every chair and barstool in the place would be filled to the point of standing room only and my stool would remain.
Keelin and Dad were frequent companions for dinner and both developed a good relationship with Thom. He was charming and no matter what our past held, they both brought him in with open arms. My dad and I talked often about my relationship with Thom.
“Lulu,” he said over dinner one night as he watched Thom behind the bar with Gus, the bartender. “He’s a good man who made a mistake.”
“He is a good man.” I thought before I said what my heart thought next. “I confess that I wonder many times what if this, or what if that, but my heart always leads me back to what we have.”
“Will you marry him when he asks, because he’s already told me that when he feels that you’re ready he will,” he replied looking at me in such an endearing way that I felt the sting of tears in my eyes.
“I will.”
He reached across the table and petted my hand. When I look at him, I think about all we’ve been through over the years. This man, my dad, has taught me resilience, character, and love. All these years later, he has never given his heart to another woman–because she was ‘the love of his life’. My mom was a lucky woman.
The conversations that Keelin and I shared were different than those that I had with my dad.
“He loves you, Lulu. Do you see how much?” he asked one day over coffee in the break room. I nodded and smiled. “I’ve never seen anyone appreciate their mate as he does you. He’s atoned for his mistakes.”
“He has, Keelin. I have forgiven him, and myself. I can’t change what happened, and neither can he. We’ve moved past it. When I got that first message from him, I broke in a million pieces. I focused on every bad thing that happened, and one day, as though someone opened a window, all of that drifted away because my heart said, “You love him.”
“It wasn’t just that you hadn’t had sex in a while?” Keelin asked with a grin.
“Oh, Keelin,” I said with a teasing smile. “Thom and I don’t have sex.”
His eyes rounded in question.
“We make love–long, languishing hours of passionate, sometimes ravishing, lovemaking.”
“Lulu,” he said, and I looked up. “I just got a boner and I don’t even like you that way.” We both laughed out loud and the others in the room turned to look.
November came and we were finally able to head to Kiawah. We would be there for Thanksgiving. Dad was coming Wednesday evening to have dinner with us at the resort, and returning on Friday morning. I was anxious to get to the beach. As Thom had said, this place was ‘us’.
Our first stop was at the Do Drop and when we walked in, the regulars were there and let us know they were happy to see us. Danno had a glass of wine on the bar waiting as soon as we were in the door. It felt like home. Hooligans was getting there, but it didn’t quite have that feel yet. Thom went straight to the kitchen and Danno moved closer to where I sat.
“How’s it going, beautiful?”
“How is it that you’re still single,” I smiled.
“Haven’t met a woman that meets what I’ve learned a woman should be.”
“You will.” I smiled thinking of the man Danno was and said a prayer for him.
“You’ve spoiled me, Lulu. There are few like you out there.”
“Thank God,” I laughed as Thom came to sit beside me.
“You flirting with Lulu?” he laughed.
“I pray every day that she has a clone,” he chuckled and turned to a cute, giggly blonde at the other end of the bar.
“I am a lucky man,” Thom whispered in my ear.
“What’d you say? You want to get lucky? I’m ready to leave when you are,” I suggested.
Thom went to the back to pack a to-go package for us to take. “Come with me,” he whispered in my ear, and led me to the car.
As we sat down to eat, Thom seemed to have drifted off somewhere–away from our moment. He put our dinner on the table and joined me.
“You got so quiet,” I observed after a few minutes had passed.
“Reflective,” he replied.
“I’d give you a penny for your thoughts, but my purse is in the other room,” I joked.
“Sometimes, hard as I try not to, I remember those missing days.” He looked up and his expression was sad. Before I said anything, he reached across the table for my hand and continued. “Some of them are lost to me, still, but seeing you there with Danno reminded me of the many times I was at the Do Drop seeing that empty stool. Danno would tell me I needed to find you. I tried in the beginning, but I know you didn’t want me then. I would dwell on those last moments we shared–the ones here and at your home. I didn’t think you’d ever be part of my life again.”
He paused. It was as though he was gathering the words for the rest of what he wanted to say, so I waited.
“I tried to call, but I never got through. You never answered. I thought of every way I could to find you, and then I would stop–asking myself if you even wanted to be found. I’d wonder about your life–tried hard not to think about you sharing it with anyone else. All those days, Lulu…” As he said those words, tears kissed the corners of his eyes. Finally, they slowly rolled down his cheeks.
I rose and gathered our plates taking them to the kitchen. I grabbed the wine bottle went back to the table. Reaching for his hand, I led Thom to the porch. We sat on the sofa.
“I know those feelings. That first year, after you, after the baby…” I felt a knot in my throat that threatened to keep me from saying the rest. He put his arm around me and pulled me close.
“I guess we were both a mess,” were the only words I could muster. “Let’s continue moving forward. We can’t go back.”
“Sometimes, I just can’t forget,” he said, honestly. “Sometimes a moment brings a memory that opens the dam to a flood of emotions-the flood forces you to stop and think about something you may not want to remember-to push back feelings you don't want to feel.”
“Look what we’ve learned,” I said.
Dad
Christmas 2013
For Christmas Eve we were at my dad’s. I was in the kitchen fixing dinner, waiting for Jesus’ birthday cake to finish baking. Thom and Dad were in the living room.
“Lulu! Call 911! Now!” I’d just closed the oven door when Thom yelled. “Now!”
As I dialed, I ran to the living room. My dad was slumped over on the sofa and Thom was tending to him. Frantically, I answered all the questions the operator asked having to ask Thom for most of the answers as we went.
At last, Rescue was at the door and came in asking Thom what happened and what he’d done as I stood on, watching. They hooked him up to something and loaded him on the gurney. His eyes were open, but he wasn’t responsive. When they took him to the ambulance, I could see them working on him inside.
We were standing in the yard watching. “What do we do?” I wailed, as Thom wrapped his arms around me.
Before he answered, one of the paramedics called out to me, “Park South ER.” Finally, they sped away, lights flashing and sirens blaring.
I grabbed my purse, while Thom made sure everything in the kitchen was all right. We headed for the emergency room.
“We were talking and all of a sudden he grabbed his chest
and just fell over on the sofa,” Thom said, trying to explain, his emotions overcoming him.
I was making an attempt to stay calm, but not having much success. I called Welkie to tell her he was on the way to the hospital, and that I’d keep her posted. She didn’t drive any more. Finally, we arrived and Thom grabbed my hand as we rushed into the emergency room.
“Welk,” I said.
“Please have a seat, someone will be right with you,” the nurse at the desk told us.
It seemed like hours passed. I know it wasn’t, but I heard each tick of the clock as every minute passed. I looked up as a man in a white coat came toward us.
“He’s had a heart attack. It’s not good,” he said trying to prepare us for the severity. “He’s breathing on his own, but we have to get him to surgery, quickly. They’re prepping him now.”
“What exactly does this mean?” I asked.
Another doctor walked up. “I’ll take over. Dr. Lawaski,” he said.
I noticed that his white coat said ‘Damon Wise-Cardiology Associates’.
“Louisa Welk. This is Thom Miller. What does this mean?”
“We won’t know for certain, until they go in and see how much damage was done,” he explained. His expression left no question in my mind that this was not a good situation.
Thom squeezed my hand.
“I’ll come back, when I know more, to keep you informed,” the doctor said and left us.
I couldn’t breathe.
Hours passed. Finally, Dr. Lawaski returned.
“He’s in Cardiac Intensive Care. The next few hours will be critical. Go home and get some rest.”
“I can’t leave.”
“There are couches in the CICU waiting area, you can wait there,” he said.
Thom went to get pillows and blankets, and we settled on the couches to wait. I lay with my head in his lap, Thom stroking my hair, and finally dozed.
I heard something, and when I opened my eyes, a nurse was standing there.
“He’s resting,” she told us. “We’re monitoring everything. Go get some rest. I have your number. I’ll call you.”
It was after three in the morning. I hesitated. If something happened while I was away, I’d never forgive myself.
“Thom, I can’t go.”
“I know. I’m right here with you,” he said.
At nine, the nurse came to tell me I could go in. I squeezed Thom’s hand and went to the door. When I looked back over my shoulder, Thom gave me a look of reassurance.
“Hey, Daddy. I love you.” I leaned to kiss his cheek. There were tubes in his nose, his mouth, his arms, his hands, and his chest.
I sat beside him until the nurse said I needed to leave for a while.
I found Thom dozing in the waiting room. I thought about him. I thought about my dad, and I prayed.
“Miss Welk,” I heard my name. I’d dozed off. Dr. Lawinski was there, and I shook Thom to wake him. It was after eleven.
“You’ve had a long night,” the doctor said with a comforting smile. “He’s comfortable.”
“That’s all I can hope for,” I replied. As I looked up, his smile remained, but it was a sad smile. “There was considerable damage. We can only wait and see now,” he said, but I knew what he was telling me.
I saw a woman approach. “This is Claire Boman. She’s a social worker with our palliative care team. I’ll let her talk to you and we’ll talk again later.”
Palliative…
“This is the end of life conversation, isn’t it?” I asked. I felt myself sit up straighter, to brace myself for whatever this conversation would bring. Thom reached for my hand as she replied.
“Yes. Before I begin do you have any questions?” She was sweet. Comforting. Her blue eyes reflected my fears. She knew what was ahead. I only suspected.
“How long?” I asked.
“The prognosis is very poor.” Thom squeezed my hand as she explained that there were decisions to be made.
“I’m his power of attorney and healthcare surrogate. He has a Living Will and wants no heroic measures to keep him alive. I can bring you whatever you need.” I heard myself talking, and it sounded like I was giving her bullets of information. “He told me if it was ever necessary that he’d want hospice.”
“We can take care of that,” she said.
“Well then, I understand what you’re telling me,” I said, with tears rolling down my cheeks. “Thom, I’m going to need your help with this. I can’t leave him.”
“Whatever you need,” he replied.
“Thank you, Claire,” I said dismissing her. “I need to go see my dad.”
As she walked away, Thom wrapped his arms around me.
“I need your phone a minute.” He handed it to me and I found the map app. I typed in an address. “I have to call Welkie, but I need you to please go get her. I’ll call Grandma Pritford.” I went to the notes app and typed in where he could find the legal documents I’d need to give the hospital.
“Lulu,” he said, and pulled me close. “I love you.”
“I know, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you’re here with me,” I said and kissed his cheek. “I love you, Thom Miller.”
He left, but before I went into Dad’s room, I made the two most dreadful phone calls of my life.
When I entered his room, I sat beside him rubbing his hand, hoping that he felt every touch as love. He was still and unresponsive, like he was asleep. I put my head on the bed beside his hand and prayed. I stayed there, just like that, until the nurse said I had to go for a while.
It was after two when I went in his room again. It was dark and cold. I wondered if it had to be that way. I sat beside him and squeezed his hand to let him know I was there. I felt him move a finger.
Hope, I thought and closed my eyes tightly to say a quick prayer.
I felt the finger touch my ring finger, like he was trying to make the circle around my finger. I looked at him and his eyes opened, he glanced toward the door.
“What is it?” Again I felt his finger trying to circle around mine. His eyes kept looking toward the door. “Thom? He’s not out there right now. He went to take care of some things for me. When he comes back, I’ll let him come in to see you.”
Once more his finger moved on mine. I didn’t know what he was trying to tell me. Finally, he dozed off. I sat in the quiet for a while, and then it hit me. I squeezed his hand and he opened his eyes.
“You want me to marry Thom?” He blinked his eyes and I started to cry. I put my head on the bed beside him. When I looked up, I saw Thom standing at the window to his room. I’d been in there with my dad for over an hour, and no one had come in to make me leave.
“I’ll be back,” I whispered as I kissed his cheek.
I went to the door where Thom was looking in. I saw Welkie and Grandma Pritford. I went to them and hugged them, squeezing them with the love I hoped they’d feel.
“He’s resting comfortably. I need to talk to Thom a moment, and then he’ll go in to see Dad.”
I took his hand and led him to the other side of the room.
“I gave the papers to the social worker and she’s making copies. She indicated that someone from hospice would be here around five,” he told me.
“Thank you for doing all of that. I need to talk to you about something important. I have something to ask you.”
“Anything, Lulu,” he replied.
“Thom Miller, with all my heart, I mean this.”
He just stood there looking at me, his eyes full of question.
“Will you marry me? We’ll go as soon as the courthouse is open and get what we need done. As soon as we can both be in the room with my dad together, we’ll get married.” Tears streamed down my cheeks. “It’s his wish. But most important, it’s mine too.”
“Yes, Lulu. Yes.” He was crying.
“I can’t get married without him, so we have to make this happen as soon as possible.”
He kissed
me and went in to see my dad. I watched as he kissed my dad’s cheek. I saw him squeeze Dad’s hand and lean, as though he was whispering to him. And I lost it.
I sat with my grandmothers, crying, as we talked about the things my dad told me he wanted when his time came. It saddened me greatly to think about him passing, but I was prepared. I knew this wasn’t a good situation.
When Thom came out of the room, he came to me. He was crying, too. He turned to my grandmothers.
“Lulu and I are getting married as soon as we can get it all together. She asked me,” he said with a smile.
Welkie went in to see Dad and half an hour later, Grandma Pritford went in. At five, we met with the hospice representative. I placed my dad in their care and prayed that he’d be comfortable and peaceful, and that he’d hang on until Thom and I could get everything settled to be married.
Later, Thom left to take Welkie home. When Grandma Pritford left, I was alone. There was no one in the waiting room but me. I sat down to wait, until I could go in to see my dad again. The TV was softly playing in the background and I realized that it was past seven in the evening on Christmas Day. I thought about the last twenty-four hours.
Things happen quickly, unexpectedly. Twenty-four hours ago we were getting ready to celebrate Christmas. How things can change in the blink of an eye.
I’m not ready to lose him, but it seems like it’s bad. I know that hospice isn’t a death sentence, but it feels that way. He’s still young, only sixty-five. It’s just been the two of us for so many years. I feel so blessed and grateful for that time; the ability to get to know my dad as a man, not just a father.
Thom loves him. Dad loves Thom. We made it past the hurdles and pain that broke us before.
And now–I will be his wife.
I woke when I heard someone come in the room. I turned to find Thom looking down at me.
“Hey, what time is it?” I asked, as I wiped sleep from my eyes.
“Almost eleven,” he replied with a smile. “When I came back from taking Welkie home, you were out like a light.” He scooted close and I turned into his waiting arms.
Lulu's Loves Page 24