by Alana Khan
My other hand reaches down below to feel the weight of his balls.
“Lexa,” he says as his hips take up a forceful rhythm.
The time for exploration is over. I take as much of him into my mouth as I can handle, using great care to cover my teeth with my lips. He’s panting now. I match his hip thrusts with my movements, trying with each slide downward to engulf him a bit more.
His fingers bite into my shoulders, he breathes faster, and then he comes, jetting into me as he moans softly. I slow my movements, but I’m not sure his pleasure is complete, so I keep pumping with my mouth, slow and soft, until he pulls me up to lie next to him. We’re both on our sides, face to face.
Our gazes lock. A thousand words are whirling in my head, but I don’t want to voice any of them. Two broken people—isolated, attachment phobic—just connected in a manner so intimate, so profound, mere words couldn’t do it justice.
The communion, the breaking of barriers, makes me want to cry sweet tears. But I tear my gaze from his and tuck my head under his chin. I try to focus on the warmth of his skin, the rhythm of his breathing and not the tears that obscure my vision.
If he sees me crying, he’ll think it’s about his imminent departure, which it is. This is my life’s bitterest irony—I found connection and warmth and physical bliss with a male the day he plans to leave to fulfill his lifelong death wish.
Radical Acceptance, Lexa, I order myself. From the depths of your soul quit fighting reality. And I remind myself of another skill—being in the moment. I focus on this moment, Sex’s warm, soft skin, his palm tenderly grazing from the small of my back to my shoulder blades, and the affectionate kisses he’s pressing to the top of my head.
Somehow, I fall asleep.
Chapter Ten
Sextus
She’s beautiful lying next to me with her brown hair spread in ribbons on her pillow. Her face is peaceful—that’s a rare treat to see. I drink in the sight, taking a mental picture.
I know she wanted me inside her tonight. I want it too, more than she’ll know. Our connection would have been intimate—our souls would have mingled.
Doing that, then leaving, would have decimated her. I used the knife to distract her, to provide her physical bliss while keeping her untouched. I was successful. I don’t think she’ll grasp my little deception until long after my departure.
How ironic that I found such an amazing female right before I have to leave this plane of existence. I never pegged her to be an untouched, but I was right about one thing—we’re two of a kind. If things had been different, I would stay with her awhile even though I never envisioned myself in a relationship of any sort.
I thought I’d be dead long before now. But Khour’s been hard to track and time slipped away from me.
Being on Lusion, sitting ten feet from him at the klempto table, watching his every evil move, seeing how mercilessly he disciplined his female assistant—all those things reminded me of my mission. I need to kill the motherdracker.
I should have never lain with Lexa last night; it will just make it harder for her to move on. At least I didn’t breach her body. It would have bound her to me which wouldn’t have been good for her.
She woke me in the middle of the night riding me. My cock was already rock hard, and I was still half asleep. It would have been easy to follow her lead and slip into her, but that’s a barrier I promised myself I wouldn’t cross. I kissed her with all the tenderness a male can express to a female, pleasured her with my hand, and then hugged her back to sleep.
A male’s cock would have to be broken not to want to fulfill her body—and his heart would have to be dead not to want to stay with her. But that’s not my life’s purpose. My purpose is to kill Khour and avenge Septima.
Lexa
“Wake up, Lexa. We have a lot to do today,” Sex’s voice is warm and gentle.
I swim up from a deep sleep and smile when the first thing I see is Sex’s handsome face. He gives the appearance of calm, but his muscles are tight. His expression causes everything to rush back: buying this house, leaving the Tranquility, and his imminent departure.
I tuck myself next to him and kiss his neck while I have a short internal discussion with myself. You will not make this any harder on him than it has to be. Radical Acceptance, Lexa, I advise myself. You can’t convince him to change his mind; it would only hurt him to have to justify himself to you all day.
I kiss him again sweetly as I act as happy and pleasant as I can manage. In fact, I play a little game with myself. I’m going to pretend we’re carefree newlyweds with our whole lives in front of us. I’ll be cheerful and upbeat. I forbid myself to think for one minute that I’ll never see him after today.
“Yep, Sex, we’ve got a lot to do. I’ve got a house and a small hovercraft to buy. You’ll have to teach me the basics of how to drive one—I hope you’re patient.”
“Fly, Lexa. Not drive,” he corrects.
“Okay. Lexa learns to fly today. I’ll say my goodbyes to everyone on the ship, then get back here by nightfall.” Great. I’m doing a good job of keeping it light and breezy.
We only have to pack the clothes on our backs. I take a moment to glance around the kitchen one last time. I have no idea how to use any of the kitchen appliances, but I assume figuring it out won’t be any harder than looking it up on the Intergalactic Database.
Sex gives me my first flying lesson and I zip around my property. It’s bigger and more isolated than I’d realized. He teaches me how to use the nav system, and it’s a piece of cake to figure out how to get back to the Tranquility.
He pulls up some pictures on the computer pad. “I found these three hovercrafts for you. They’re just the right size and in good condition. Any of them will work for you, and they’re all in your price range. Pick one and I’ll have it delivered to the Tranquility before we arrive.”
Since he did all the technical footwork, I choose the fire engine red one. He purchases it online, and we take off with him at the helm.
I was so distracted on our trip here from the ship yesterday that I barely paid attention to the planet. It reminds me of the rolling hills of rural Missouri, except for the huge, red tulip-like flowers clumped in many of the trees and the half-squirrel-half-monkey-like animals chattering like crazy and jumping from limb to limb.
It’s only two hours from my new house to the Tranquility.
Sextus told me he put money down on a vessel named Arum. It went unsaid what he’s going to use the ship for. I became instantly sad and stopped my efforts to make small talk. I just watch the scenery and try to use my ‘In the Moment’ skill.
When my mind wanders to the past, I remember some scams I pulled with Dad when we traveled the Ozarks. I absently wonder how many people we hurt by bilking them out of their hard-earned money.
When my thoughts stray to the future, I think of how lonely the new house will be without Sextus there. My life has been so busy until now. First, I was traveling the country pulling financial shenanigans with my dad. Then I totally focused on my classes and dissertation. Worry thoughts assail me as I wonder how I’ll spend my time with no work to occupy me and no friends to distract me—especially a big, blue one.
Best to stick with the present. Be in this moment. This very moment I’m with Sextus. We’re in the cramped front seat of the hovercraft. My knee’s brushing his. I memorize the dark blue tribal marking on his temple. My body pulses with attraction; I scold myself not to go there.
It seems to take days rather than hours, but finally, we’re at the docking station, and then I’m aboard the ship. I stuff my clothes into two pillowcases, then wander into the dining area.
Captain Thantose has my gold in neat piles on the table and weighs it out for me again.
“You did well on Lusion, Lexa. There’s enough for the house and the small hovercraft Sextus found for you, with enough left over for anything you’ll ever need. Did you notice the hover when you pulled up?”
I s
hake my head. No, I was totally preoccupied with how handsome Sex is, the width of his shoulders, and how long his strides are.
“Would you weigh out 20% of the gold? That was my deal with Sex.”
His eyes narrow and I remember that Sextus wasn’t supposed to get extra money since he was only doing his job.
“It was my deal with Sex in the privacy of my head,” I explain. “He earned it.”
He nods approvingly and weighs out Sex’s portion.
“Do you think you could call everyone in here for a moment?”
Thantose comms everyone on the ship, then busies himself weighing out the gold for Sex. I remind myself of the rules for giving a sincere apology that I learned in school: say what you did and why it was wrong, take full responsibility, say you’re sorry and how you feel about it, and don’t ask for forgiveness.
I watch as people filter into the little kitchen. Seneca, the medic, arrives. He’s from Primus like Thantose and Devolose. Their bi-colored skin with its swirling white markings has always fascinated me.
Devolose and Tawny join us. They’re holding hands and giggling. They were both so sad when I met them a few weeks ago. They went through so much when they were tortured in some Emperor’s dungeon. They deserve all the happiness they can get.
Griff the mechanic, Marcus the pilot, and Destin the cook enter involved in a heated debate over what appears to be some sports team from Aeon II. Carrie, my roomie arrives, followed by Sextus who’s carrying his own pillowcase. I guess he’s packed and ready to go.
“Umm,” I say eloquently as I stand near the head of the table. “I asked for this little meeting.” I toyed with ideas for my speech on my way here this morning, but I’m at a loss for what to say.
“I bought a house on some property a few hours from here...and a hovercraft, so I’ll be leaving in a few minutes. But...I have some unfinished business. I’d like to apologize.”
I finally work up the nerve to look at each person in the room. A little gust of air escapes my lips as my eyes flick to theirs one at a time. There’s no way to make this easy. I might as well dive right in and start with the hard ones. I approach Tawny and struggle to keep eye contact with the beautiful human female with her big brown eyes and mahogany skin.
“Tawny, I went to school for a lot of years. I know a lot of book-learning. But it’s only recently that I’ve discovered it has very little to do with real life.” My eyes flash to Sextus, then back to her. “I’ve realized too late that despite being days away from my doctorate in psychology I know next to nothing about people.
“I’m saying this to explain why I felt compelled to diagnose you without knowing you. Then I doubled down and kept throwing it in your face to convince you that you had Stockholm syndrome and didn’t have genuine feelings for the wonderful, loving male at your side.
“I’m so relieved you realized pretty quickly that I was full of shit. You two make a wonderful couple. It’s obvious how good you are for each other, and no one deserves more happiness than you two. I was wrong and feel sick to my stomach for the hurt I caused you. I sincerely apologize.”
I realize my gaze strayed from Tawny’s. I guess I’m chickenshit as well as being the worst therapist in the universe. I peg her with a steady stare and wait to see if she has anything to say.
“You did cause me pain, Lexa.”
Good, I can deal with honesty. Before I can apologize again, she continues, “But Dev and I got through it and are stronger than we would have been without my moment of self-doubt. I wish you the best.”
She rises and gives me a hug. “I forgive you,” she whispers in my ear.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I whisper back, “that means the world to me.”
She sits down next to Devolose. I realize there’s no way to hide the tears in my eyes, so I wipe them away with my knuckle and step in front of Dev.
“Devolose, I was a total shit to you. I’m sure it sounds lame to say I didn’t realize how harsh I was. There’s no excuse for the things I said to you and about you. I’ve given a lot of thought to why I did it. Maybe I wanted to show off my book-learning. But I want you to know how sorry I am. I…” I trail off; I have nothing else to say—no excuses. “I’m truly sorry for all the pain I caused.”
I was slightly ready for Tawny’s gentle clasp of affection, but I’m totally unprepared for Devolose to leap to his feet and surround me with a ridiculously hard bear hug. He was painfully thin when he rescued me from certain-death on planet Paradise. He’s probably put on forty pounds since then and it’s all muscle.
“I didn’t understand why you tried to shame me, Lexa. But I realize now how scared and angry you were. I’m glad you’re happier now.”
He squeezes me one more time, then sits down, pulls Tawny onto his lap, and kisses the top of her head.
“Wow, I don’t deserve that, but thanks.” I turn my attention to the others in the room and say to everyone “I’ve been mean and bitchy and hard to get along with. I haven’t done my share of the work. I’ve been preoccupied. And now I’m leaving. I appreciate you all putting up with me. I promise to be a better person in the future.”
I realize I don’t have a good exit strategy. It would have been the perfect time to say goodbye, grab my pillowcases and exit stage right, but I need to talk to Sex.
Each of the males gives me a hug, then leaves. Thantose hands me two drawstring bags of gold, one is much heavier than the other.
Carrie clasps my shoulders. “I’m glad you found a place here on Salute. I hope you’ll be happy.”
“You’re welcome to visit anytime. Let’s keep in touch through computer comms.” She nods, then leaves.
It’s just Sextus and me in the dining area. He palms the reader and the door closes. I take a full breath for the first time since I started my apology. As hard as that was, I feel so much better. I breathe deeply and let my shoulders fully relax. I still have a lot to learn about people, but that was a big step.
My stomach tightens as I look up into Sex’s handsome face. Oh shit. This is it. We’re saying goodbye—our final goodbye.
“Since it’s apology day, should I apologize again?” his voice is husky and full of emotion.
“Groveling will get you nowhere,” I tease. “Kisses, though, that’s another story.”
His face tightens in sadness for just the swiftest moment, then it’s gone. He reaches down and brushes his lips against mine so softly, so tenderly I feel like I could break into a million pieces.
“I was proud of you just now,” he breathes, looking at me so sincerely. “You did a difficult thing. It shows character. You could have just sprinted off the ship. What you did took courage.” He reaches between us and touches his forefinger to my chest. “You’ve got a lot of strength in here that you’ve never tapped. You have so many things inside that you’ve yet to discover.”
I clamp my lips together to keep them from begging him to stay. I know he needs to leave. He’s on his way to fulfill his life’s mission. He’s only known me for a few weeks. It wouldn’t be fair of me to make him feel guilty about following his heart.
“We’ve only known each other a short time, Sex, but you’ve helped me change. It’s been an honor to know you.” I’m at a choice point. By the look in his eye, he might say yes if I beg him to carry me back to his room and have sex. But that would just make everything harder for both of us. I’ll use my newfound self-control and cut this short. I’ll have the rest of my life to regret it.
“I had Thantose weigh out your 20% of the gold.” I hold up the black velvet drawstring bag and wait for him to accept it.
“I told you that’s not necessary, little Lexa.” He shakes his head, his blue eyes never leaving mine.
Suddenly I’m serious, maybe more serious than I’ve ever been. I step closer and grab him by the shoulders, willing him to feel the urgency in what I’m about to say.
“Use this money, Sextus. Use every penny of this money to buy the swiftest ship, the sharp
est blades, and the most powerful laser cannons.”
I touch his temple, the one with the cobalt swirls. “Use this, Sex. Use your cunning and your intelligence and your force of will and not only kill that purple bastard, but figure out a way to come back to me.”
I pull his shoulders down so his face is close to mine. “Use every tool and weapon at your disposal and outsmart him and all his henchmen and come back to me, Sextus.”
I wasn’t going to, but I lean over and kiss the huge, blue male. I kiss him so hard I wonder if it will bruise my lips. There’s nothing sweet or even sexy about this kiss. It’s a fucking order.
I take a few steps toward the exit, then turn toward him again. “I love you, Sex,” I tell him. The words come out strong and firm and leave no question as to their sincerity. Then I grab my pillowcases and my gold and practically run off the ship.