by Jean Plaidy
One afternoon Margery was in the shed near the pump when Carolan came into the yard. It wasn’t often that Carolan went into the yard. The summer had faded now and the winter was on them. It was chilly in the yard, but something queer about the way she stood there as though she were waiting for someone, made Margery cautiously shut the shed door and decide to wait and watch. She did not have to wait long before Marcus came swinging into the yard for all the world as though he owned it; and peering through a crack in the door Margery saw his face and she guessed they had arranged this meeting.
Ho! Ho! thought Margery. So it’s making it up, is it, me lovelies! So you’re coming to your senses at last!
“Marcus!” said Carolan.
“Carolan! Carolan!”
The way he said her name was in itself a declaration of love. He had a beautiful voice. She’s hard as nails to say no to a man like that, and her not cut out to do without men no more than I was.
“I want to talk to you about Esther.”
“Is that why you sent for me?”
“She is very unhappy, Marcus. She is thinking of death. I saw her take up a knife and look at it in a longing way, as though she were thinking death would be a way out of her troubles, for life has become unendurable for her.”
“What can I do about that?”
“What can you do? You are the cause of it; you will have to do something.”
Tell me what, Carolan.”
“Marcus, you are a brute! I wish we had never met you. Poor Esther, you have ruined her life. You know how she feels. She believes herself to be utterly damned.”
“You put all the blame on me, Carolan.”
“Because that is where it belongs!”
“Now. now, me lady!” muttered Margery.
“That ain’t fair. It takes two to make a quarrel and it takes two to make a baby; that’s my way of thinking. And to see the way you’ve been treating that Esther, it would seem you thought all the blame was with her!”
“Carolan! Carolan!”
“Oh, please stop saying my name in that way. If it is meant to be affectionate, it does not seem so to me. I see right through you, Marcus. You have no scruples whatever; you are completely without honour; you are absolutely despicable.”
What a tongue she had. And a fool he was, for all that he seemed such a fine gentleman. She wanted him to take her now and not to mind if she kicked or yelled. Let her yell; it would do her good. Let her kick; she was a kicker anyway.
“There is only one thing to do. Esther will die of a broken heart, or she will kill herself. I know Esther. She can never beat the shame of this. You must marry her.”
“Marry her. You talk as though we were in conventional England:
“Esther is conventional, as England made her. You are rotten, as England made you.”
“And you are hard and cruel and cold as ice!”
“I am trying to do the right thing for you both.”
“Carolan, have you no sympathy, no understanding?”
“No sympathy, but complete understanding, I fear. You must marry Esther. Nothing else will make her live. I know her, and I am sure of that.”
“My dear Carolan, you are talking the most ridiculous nonsense. Marry Esther! Have you forgotten that we are convicts?”
“Convict! You! What an evil world this is, when such as you can feather their nests, and such as Esther, innocent Esther, can become your prey! I tell you you shall marry Esther.”
“It is impossible, Carolan.”
“You talked of marrying me.”
“I should have had to arrange it very carefully.”
“Well, this is arranged. I have arranged it.”
“What do you mean? Carolan, you simply do not understand. We are slaves, all of us. We have been here but a short time. We shall have to wait, shall have to prove that we are worthy of marriage.”
“Worthy of marriage! You certainly are not. If Esther were not such a little fool, I should tell her to have nothing more to do with you, to think herself lucky that, though she has been foolish enough to make you the father of her child, you are not her husband.”
Margery chuckled. Ha! Ha! My beauty, you’re giving it away. All that bitterness, and you pretending not to care! You’re jealous … jealous as they make ‘em, and of that snivelling, praying wretch. As for you, me fine gentleman, you’re not so smart. You can’t see what she’s thinking, can you?
“But you see, Carolan, it is impossible; if it were not, I would marry her. She is a sweet girl, and I behaved, as you say, very badly. It is up to me to make amends in the way she wants me to. But it is not possible, for she has been assigned to this house…”
“It is possible. I have spoken to Me Masterman, and I have his consent to your marriage.”
“You… have what…?”
He might well be surprised. Margery almost burst out of the shed. You spoke to Mr. Masterman… you! And who are you to speak to him Didn’t he put me in charge of the kitchen? Isn’t it my place… Carolan had folded her arms across her breast, and she stood there, rocking on her heels, laughing to herself, hating him in a way that was really loving him; and yet stubborn as a mule with the fierceness of a tigress.
“You have spoken to Mr. Masterman… you, Carolan?”
“Oh, yes. Marcus!” Her voice was edged with light laughter, bubbling laughter that was somehow sharp and meant to cut into his pride, murder any hopes he might have had.
“Mr. Masterman and I are friendly… very friendly indeed.
Margery let loose an expletive. She clapped her hands over her mouth; her face was purple with fury; her hands itched. Had she been neat the whip that hung over the mantelpiece she would have reached for it and she would have laid it about those insolent shoulders. She was speaking in that way of the master!
“I am sure,” she said, haughty now, verily the mistress of the house and the yard and of the kitchen and of him and of herself, ‘that I can arrange it satisfactorily.”
Marcus was taken off his guard.
He said: “I see.” Then he burst out: “You… you slut! So that is it. I see. I might have seen before. How long?” And those two words betrayed his defeat, his love for her.
“What is that to you?”
“It makes me laugh!”
“I am glad you are amused; though why you should be I quite fail to see.”
“You, my haughty Carolan … and that… puritan! His name stands for virtue in the town. Tell me, Carolan, how did you manage to seduce the fellow?”
She flashed out angrily: “How dare you talk in this way I He is a better man than you will ever be. I am happy now. Why should we not? He is in love with me.”
“I do not doubt it, Carolan. Masterman. The prude! The puritan! I shall split my sides with laughing.”
“It would be the best thing that could happen to you if you. killed yourself with laughing. For Esther too, I am thinking!”
“Carolan__forgive me I It is so funny … so funny. You and Masterman. You will have to play your cards very carefully, my dear.”
“Do not dare to breathe a word of this to anyone!”
“Oh, Carolan, Carolan!”
“If you do, I will have it known that you are a cheat and a liar. I will see to it that you are punished. I will see…”
“Ah! I see Masterman’s mistress will rule the town!”
“You heard what I said. I mean it. Breathe a word of what…”
“… of what you have so indiscreetly told me …”
“Breathe a word of it, and I will… I will have you beaten to death. I will…”
“It is blackmail! I keep quiet then about you, and you keep quiet about me. What a pretty pair we are, are we not? So admirably suited!”
Margery thought the girl was going to cry, for all she held her head so high. And as for him, he was heartbroken, for all the cruel lashings of his tongue. Oh yes, they were crying out for each other, and in spite of everything Margery could have wept for them.<
br />
“Enough of this,” said Carolan, and turned from him. Through the crack in the cornet of the shed, Margery saw her, face, saw her lips quiver.
“You and Esther can be married soon.”
“Carolan!” He was beside her, his hands on her shoulders, forcing her round to look at him.
Now! thought Margery. Now! She’s yours now for the taking … the wanton. The waster! I don’t believe that. I wasn’t born yesterday. That’s just to aggravate him, that is!
“Well?” her voice rapped out at him.
“What is it? Please take your hands off me.”
“And if I will not? Doubtless you will call your lover to horsewhip me!”
“You have no right to be here! You behave as though you are a free man instead of a felon.”
“Would your mistress think you had a right to be what you are did she know?”
“Please go at once. You are insolent.”
“I am mourning, Carolan. I am mourning for a sweet and beautiful girl whom I loved … Carolan, whose handkerchief I still carry close to my heart.”
“Were you carrying it when you seduced Esther?”
There was a confession, if he could but read the meaning behind her words. She was jealous as fury, that girl; and her daring to let the master make love to her!
I carry it always. I shall burn it when I get back. It means nothing now.”
“A pity to waste good linen. Give it to Esther, or, whoever occupies your affections at this moment.”
“I would not keep it now. Every time I looked at it it would remind me of you and your puritan together. But, Carolan, I can see you are a wise woman. Play your cards cleverly, my dear, and you may do very well for yourself.”
Thank you, Marcus. But I happen to be in love, and playing cards well or otherwise does not come into this.”
She walked towards the shed, so abruptly that Margery thought she had seen her and was coming in to denounce her. Margery’s knees began to shake. Suppose she told’ Mr. Masterman that Margery was a very unsatisfactory person to leave in charge of the kitchen! Suppose she told of laxness, of James’s coming into the basement at night! She was a power in the house. No wonder she gave herself airs and graces! She was mistress of the house.
She looked over her shoulder.
She said: “We will make the arrangements for the wedding. And we shall make them promptly. It will be well for Esther’s sake to get done with the business as soon as possible.”
She flounced into the house, and he stood looking at her, like a man who has lost everything he most wanted.in life. Queer, Margery wanted to go out and comfort him, but she dared not. She was bewildered. She did not understand life in this place as she had thought she did. Things went on under her nose, and she did not see them. She had to be careful. The house had a new mistress.
She waited until he had walked away; then she went into the kitchen. She could hear Carolan in the communal bedroom talking to Esther.
“What I want is a good strong cup of tea,” said Margery aloud. She made it, and all the time she was doing so she thought of her red hair and green eyes and the master, noticing her, trying not to let her get him at first, and then… and then… Margery laughed. Perhaps he wasn’t only half a man after all. Well she liked him for it, so there!
As for her, the arrogant piece, fancy making the master fall in love with her, and him always such a good man and always doing the right thing! But come to think of it the good ones were as bad as the others. Look at Miss Mealy Mouth saying Yes please, to the first man that asked her!
But the master and that Carolan. Well, could you blame him?
“I don’t!” said Margery, stirring her tea.
“And come to think of it, I don’t blame her either!”
When Lucille Masterman came out of a drugged sleep she talked to Carolan.
There is a change in him. Do you not see it?”
“A change? I see no change.”
“Ah. but you do not know him as I do. There is a change, I assure you. He rarely comes in here now. He is very absent-minded. He was never that before. Carolan. there are times when I have a feeling that he does not mind how ill I am, that he does not care whether I recover or not.”
“You are talking nonsense.” said Carolan.
“Am I? I do talk nonsense, do I not! I have been so tired; I am waking now. I feel as if I am struggling out of darkness, and that words are a sort of rope I cling to. Oh, you smile, Carolan; you are so strong and practical. You are very like him, Carolan, in a way … in a way. Once he wanted me to get well; he was very eager that I should. But that was not because he cared about me. Oh, no! He wanted me strong and well because he wanted us to have children. Sons he wanted. Big, strong men to go on living when we are dead; to build up this country into a great place, independent of England. I am sure that is how he feels. He is such a strange man. Carolan. You would not know, because you always see him as the master, so careful, so right in .everything he does.”
“Why do you not try to sleep again?”
“Sleep! I have slept and slept. Do you know. Carolan, sometimes I feel the desire to go on sleeping, not to wake up. It is as though, when I lie in the deep sleep, hands are laid upon me, soothing me, bidding me to stay there in the peaceful darkness for ever… not come back, you see…” Carolan’s eyes glittered.
“You took too much of the drug; you must be careful.”
“I must be careful, Carolan. I will. When you are tired, it is so beautiful to sink into that deep sleep.”
“I should not take it so often, if I were you.”
“Oh, Carolan, do not stop me. Please do not stop me!”
“Who am I to stop you?” said Carolan. The glazed eyes were lifted to her face.
“You are so good, so kind, so sympathetic. I do not know what I should do without you. You are strong; I have always been attracted by strong people. He is strong; that was why I was attracted by him, I suppose. I wish I could have been more the sort of wife he wanted. When I was not so ill, I must have pleased him. We entertained a good deal. It was only after our marriage that he was on such good terms at Government House. He owes me a little, Carolan.”
“What would he say, were he to know about the child?”
“You would not tell a soul!”
“Of course I would not; you told me in strictest confidence.” She laughed.
“But he would be very angry, I do declare.”
Lucille was awake now, wide awake; the thought of discovery could make her throw off the last effects of the drug.
“I should be terrified if he knew. He … is ruthless, Carolan. I often wonder what happened to him before he came to Sydney.”
“Did he not tell you?”
“Never!”
“Not even when… when you were lovers?”
“Lovers! What do you mean, Carolan?” Carolan wanted to laugh out loud. They had never been lovers; they had never been anything but a suitable match for each other. That accounted for his happiness now, for his complete simplicity, for the youthfulness of his lovemaking. Carolan felt she ought to have been amused, discussing her lover with her lover’s wife, but she was only ashamed. She had to force herself to go on.
“I mean during the engagement.”
“It was very short; there was no reason why it should not be. I was so sure it would be a successful marriage then.”
“Oh, come,” said Carolan falsely, ‘is it not now?”
“That I do not know.”
“You are thinking of the child.”
“Oh, Carolan, please do not speak of that again.”
“I will not, if you wish it so, but if he were to know … He would consider it a great wrong.”
“Oh, I could not face it, Carolan, you know I am not strong.”
“He would have thought it your duty to face it.”
“I was very wicked, Carolan. That is what you are thinking.” Lucille caught at her hand.
“But now. Carolan
, it does not matter. I am sure he is resigned … I am sure of it! He used to come in and look at me, and he would frown and ask me how I was, and I would know that he was thinking of children.
But lately he has ceased to think of them. He has changed. He is a different man. He looks … as though he finds life good, no longer frustrated. He is a man who is always reaching for a goal. Now … perhaps I talk rubbish … but it seems to me as though he is no longer teaching, that he is satisfied with life.”
“You think he his given up hope of children?”
“Carolan, I do. I have been careless of late. The bottle … it was by the side of my bed … on the table here, when he came in.”
“What did he say?”
“He said nothing.”
“He could not have seen it.”
“He is usually observant of such things.”
“But had he seen it, he would surely have said something?”
“He merely looked at it. He said: “How are you today, Lucille?” very gently, almost tenderly. And I felt then that he loved me more than he had ever done.”
“But should he not have been perturbed at the sight of the bottle?”
“Why should he? Perhaps he did not know what it was; perhaps he thought it was some tonic. I was trembling all over. I was terrified that he would take out the cork, that he would discover what it was. that he would forbid me to take any more.”
“You would have obeyed him?”
“I must sleep, Carolan. Doctor Martin says the best thing I can do is to sleep.”
“But he would not give you this! You have to go to your shady convict doctor to get this, to the one who helped out about the baby…”
“I used to think you understood, Carolan.” she said and her voice shook with fear.
“I do understand, but you wronged him deeply. To marry a man is to promise him children. You did not keep your promise. Come. Lie down. Do not distress yourself; you are not strong enough. You should never have married.”
“But. Carolan. I do not think he minds now. He does not worry about my health as he did, and I know he was once waiting lot me to get strong so that we could have children.”