Somewhere, in a very dark, distant corner of her mind a warning knell sounded. This was Ethan. A fellow partner. And, more than that, her friend. A friend who had made his feelings about relationships painfully clear.
She knew she should push him away and call a halt, but she wasn’t even close to being strong enough to deny the need thrumming through her body. She’d wanted him for so long.
She parted her legs and lifted her hips and Ethan didn’t need to be asked twice to take up her silent invitation. His hips pressed into the cradle of her thighs and she wrapped her legs around his waist and rubbed herself against the hard length of him.
“Alex,” Ethan said again, pressing his erection against her where she needed it the most.
She circled her hips, willing two layers of denim to oblivion but unwilling to lose the delicious pressure of his hips against hers for the short time it would take to get undressed.
They kissed and caressed and rubbed against each other for long minutes. Alex was so turned on, so achingly ready for him that it almost hurt. She was the one who reached for the stud on his jeans, and she was the one who slid her hand beneath the soft cotton of his boxer briefs to find the hard, resilient shaft of his erection. He shuddered as she wrapped her hand around him and stroked her hand up and down his length. She felt him fumble at the stud on her jeans and she forgot to breathe as his palm slid over her belly and down, down, until his fingers were delving between her thighs.
He stroked her while she stroked him, their mouths locked in a searching, never-ending kiss. She was seconds away from her first heavy-petting-on-the-couch climax in years when Ethan broke their kiss and rested his forehead against hers.
“Alex. I need—”
“Yes,” she said, already starting to peel her jeans down over her hips.
His weight left her for a brief moment as they both shed their jeans, then she heard the small, significant crackle of a foil pack before Ethan was on top of her again, his bare legs warm and slightly rough against her own as they tangled together on the couch. He ran his hand down the side of her hip, wrapped his fingers around the outside of her left thigh and lifted her leg up and to the side. She felt the firm probe of his erection at her entrance and she lifted her hips in welcome. Then he was inside her and there was nothing in the world except for the exquisite friction of his body moving within hers.
They rocked together, neither saying a word. Alex held her breath and squeezed her eyes tightly shut, chasing the licks of pleasure racing through her body. Ethan pressed his face into her neck and opened his mouth against her skin, sucking and licking as his thrusts became more and more urgent. One of his hands teased her breasts, the other gripped her hip, his fingers pressing into her flesh.
He shifted position. So close. So close.
She caught her breath, arched her back. And then she was there. Her hands clutched at his backside, holding him high and still inside her as she lost herself for a few precious seconds. Only when the waves of pleasure had passed and she’d relaxed her grip did he begin to move again, his thrusts deep and powerful. She felt the tension spike in him. Then he pressed his cheek against hers and shuddered out his own climax, the stubble of his whiskers a welcome roughness against her skin.
Neither of them said anything in the immediate aftermath. Ethan kept his face pressed into the curve of her neck. She stared at the ceiling over his shoulder. Where before there had been nothing but him and her and the maddening, crazy-making feel of his body against hers, she was suddenly aware of the fact that a couch button was jabbing into her backside and that they were both breathing hard and that her bra was pushed uncomfortably up around her armpits.
She was also hugely, painfully aware that what had happened between them had the potential to change everything. She didn’t do casual sex—never had—and she had no plans to start now. But this was Ethan. Her friend and colleague—and the most commitment-shy man she knew.
Unless…
Don’t. Don’t go there. You know Ethan. You know what he wants—and it isn’t this.
But it was too late. Hope was already unfolding inside her.
She was a smart woman. She knew Ethan was a bad bet. Whatever had gone on within his marriage had wounded him, badly. But she liked him. She liked him a lot. And right now they were lying skin to skin on her couch. He was still inside her. She knew he liked her. He’d cooked her dinner and brought it to her house and shown her in a hundred different ways over the course of their friendship that he admired and respected her.
Was it so crazy to imagine that maybe this could be the beginning of something and not just a really, really inappropriate outlet for weeks of tension and expectation?
Ethan lifted his head. They looked into each other’s eyes. His expression was unreadable.
Which said something in and of itself, didn’t it?
“I’m too heavy,” Ethan said quietly, and she felt the loss as he withdrew from her and rolled to one side.
She watched silently as he stood, his body supremely sexy despite the fact that he was still wearing his shirt and socks. She glanced at his retreating backside—perfect, like the rest of him—as he went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom, then she sat up and pushed her hair from her forehead.
She stared blankly at the wall for a beat, her brain not quite up to speed yet, her body still warm and flushed from his touch. Then she heard the sound of his footfall in the hall and realized she should have used his absence to get dressed instead of sitting in a postcoital daze.
She pulled the jumbled tangle of her jeans into her lap in a belated attempt at modesty as he entered the living room. She didn’t look at him for a moment as he sat beside her on the couch. Then, after a few long, tense seconds, she slid a glance his way out of the corners of her eyes.
He was watching her, a small smile on his mouth, concern in his eyes.
“You okay?” he asked quietly, reaching out to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear.
She nodded. “Yes. You?”
“Yeah.”
They were both silent for a long moment.
“That was probably a mistake, huh?” she said. It wasn’t what she wanted to ask. But she wasn’t stupid. She wasn’t going to make this any more uncomfortable than it already was.
“Depends on your definition. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it. A lot. And that I hadn’t thought about us being together like this.”
She looked at him sharply. Was he saying that even before they’d been considering becoming parents together he’d been attracted to her?
“I thought you saw me as your work buddy.”
“No.”
“So why didn’t you ever…?”
“Because I knew that it couldn’t go anywhere. And I didn’t want to hurt you.”
It was exactly what she’d been telling herself—he’d been crystal clear about his determination to remain single, after all—but it still felt like a slap in the face.
Suddenly it seemed wrong to be sitting half naked in front of him. Way too vulnerable. She fished her tangled panties from the leg of her jeans and stood, pulling her panties on. Then she dragged her jeans up her legs. After a moment’s hesitation, Ethan followed suit.
Only when they were both fully dressed, flies zipped and studs buttoned, did she look at him again.
“For the record, you haven’t hurt me,” she said. “I knew the score. But this wasn’t exactly something I’d planned on happening.”
“Me, either. But the past few weeks have been pretty full-on.”
“Yes.”
“Maybe it was inevitable. With all the donor stuff, all the time we’ve been spending together…”
“Yes.”
She glanced around her apartment. She didn’t know what else to say to him. There wasn’t much more to say, when it came down to it. They’d both agreed that it had been a mistake to cross the line and sleep with each other.
She wanted him to go, she realized. They’d
made their mistake, now she wanted to shower and go to bed and clear her head for tomorrow. She wanted to be alone.
“I’ll help you clean up.” He started gathering glasses and plates.
“Don’t. I’ll do it in the morning.”
He ignored her, taking the plates into the kitchen. When she heard him clattering around in there she went after him.
“Leave it. Please,” she said.
He was running water into the sink but he flicked the tap off. They stared at each other across her counter.
“I’m going to be really pissed with myself if this has messed things up between us, Alex. That’s the last thing I want,” Ethan said. “I’d hate to think we’d trashed a good friendship for the sake of one bout of crazy-monkey-couch-sex.”
He was trying to make her laugh and she rewarded him with a small smile.
“It’s been a big day. And this was kind of the cherry on top.”
“Yeah. I know.”
He ran a hand through his hair, then sighed deeply. “Okay, then, I’ll bugger off.”
She tried not to look too relieved but she suspected he knew she couldn’t wait to close the door on him.
Well, tough. She was entitled to her reaction. Maybe this sort of thing happened to him all the time, but it was new territory for her.
“Thanks for dinner,” she said at the front door.
Ethan looked down at her, his eyes very dark blue and very serious. “I meant what I said, Alex. Your friendship means a lot to me.”
“Yours, too. To me, I mean.”
He nodded. He hesitated, then he leaned forward and kissed her briefly on the lips.
“Good night.”
“Good night.”
She closed the door on him and stood very still for a long moment. It occurred to her that if they hadn’t used a condom tonight, they might have become parents today after all. But they had. And she’d already decided she didn’t want a child at any cost. She wanted a partner, and a child born of love. A fantasy, perhaps. But she thought it was worth holding out for.
She walked into the living room. The couch sat like a velvet reproach in the middle of the room. She flicked off the light.
She’d brooded enough today. She and Ethan had taken a misstep tonight. That was all it was. She wasn’t any better or worse off as a result of it, and neither was he. And even if things were awkward between them for a few weeks, there was no reason why they couldn’t put this behind them. They were both intelligent adults, after all.
It would be so much better—so much easier—if she could believe her own spin. The truth, painful and embarrassing as it was to admit, was that she had always wanted Ethan as more than a friend. She’d known it was stupid and had pushed her desire and attraction and admiration into a corner and ignored it, but it had still been there and now she knew what it was like to be Ethan’s lover…
He’s not looking for a relationship, Alex. You know this. Don’t set yourself up for a fall.
She’d always been sensible. All her life she’d relied on a strong streak of pragmatism to get her through. Ethan was a bad bet. As long as she kept that fact top of mind, she’d be okay.
She would.
Thoroughly sick of herself, she went to bed.
CHAPTER EIGHT
ALEX HAD TASTED LIKE spiced wine and her skin had been warm and smooth and soft. Her breasts… Ethan had always wondered about her breasts. And now he knew. They were full, with small pale pink nipples that puckered up prettily in his mouth and beneath his hands.
Ethan rolled onto his back and punched his pillow into a new shape for the tenth time tonight. He’d been trying to get to sleep for over two hours. He’d come home full of regret, kicking himself for having stepped over the line with Alex, blaming himself for not having enough self-control to catch himself before he’d dropped that single, hard kiss onto her mouth and for not being able to resist the unspoken question in her eyes when she’d looked up at him.
And here he was, lying in bed, unable to banish the memories of those moments on the couch from his mind.
Guilt and desire. A great combo. A perfect antidote for sleep.
Put it out of your mind. It was a one-off. You can’t go there again. There’s no point thinking about it.
Great advice. If only he could stop thinking about the tight clench of her body around his. And the fierceness of her kisses. And the way she’d gasped and held him still inside herself as she’d come, her body bowing off the couch.
He’d denied himself where she was concerned for so long. Kept her at arm’s length. Made her his friend instead of his lover because he’d always known she wanted more from a man than he was prepared to give.
And still he’d slept with her.
He threw back the quilt and rolled out of bed. He was driving himself nuts, going over and over the same ground. He went into the bathroom and ransacked the drawers and various storage baskets beneath the sink until he found a blister pack of sleeping pills left over from his last international trip. He swallowed one then returned to bed to wait for it to kick in.
He should have stayed away from her. He should never have gone over to her place. If he’d hurt her…
He’d make it up to her. He’d do whatever it took to ensure Alex was happy. Because he wanted her to be happy more than anything.
He arrived at work early the next morning. He dumped his briefcase and coat and made his way to her office. He didn’t know what he was going to say to her. He simply wanted to see her. For a few precious minutes last night, they’d been as close as two people could get. He wanted to see her.
She was frowning at a document on her desk when he arrived in her doorway, kneading her brow with her fingertips. She looked tired. As though she’d had as much trouble sleeping as he had.
You did that. You took what you wanted then bailed and you made it impossible for her to sleep.
But she’d wanted him to go. He’d offered to help clean up, but she’d practically ordered him out the door.
“Alex.”
Her head came up. Her brown eyes were guarded as she looked at him. “Hi.”
“You’re in early.”
“Usually am.”
“Yeah.” He’d run out of pleasantries, and all the things he wanted to say were impossible. The silence stretched.
“Um, did you want something?” she asked after a few taut seconds. “Because I’ve got a lot going on.” She indicated the paperwork piled high in her in-tray.
“Just checking in,” he said stupidly.
“Well, I’m fine. Don’t worry, Ethan. I didn’t spend the night embroidering your initials on a handkerchief or anything. I’m a big girl.”
She gave him a smile that didn’t come even close to her eyes. He’d never felt more distant from her.
You’re an idiot. You’ve screwed everything up. You should have kept your freaking hands to yourself. “Alex…I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “You don’t need to apologize to me. It takes two to tango, remember? And I did my share of dancing last night.”
He wasn’t apologizing for the sex. He didn’t know how to articulate his regret. She deserved more. He wanted her to have more, but he didn’t have it in him to give.
He searched his mind for the one magical thing he could say that would make everything all right between them again. But he couldn’t turn back time. He couldn’t undo the moment when they’d crossed the line irrevocably from friends to lovers.
“I’ll leave you to it, then,” he said.
“Thanks. I’ll see you at the software meeting this afternoon.”
“Right.”
He lifted his hand in farewell and returned to his office. He stopped twice, wanting to go to Alex and have a real conversation with her. Both times he forced himself to keep walking.
He’d been playing house with her for the past few weeks. Pretending to himself that he could have the trappings of a relationship without the commitment and the accompanying ri
sks. Alex wasn’t a game. She was one of the finest women he knew. She deserved better. She certainly deserved better than his friendship.
ONLY WHEN ALEX WAS certain Ethan was gone did Alex let out the breath she’d been holding.
She was proud of herself. She really was. The way she’d held his eye and calmly told him she was a big girl and that she’d done her share of dancing. No way could Ethan have known that she’d barely had a wink of sleep and that when she’d heard his voice this morning her whole body had tensed.
She’d thought she had it covered—that was the worst thing about all of this. She’d thought that she, tough-cookie, no-bull Alex Knight was immune to Ethan’s potent mix of good looks and charm. He might be gorgeous and smart and sexy and funny and kind and generous but she was a survivor. She was too smart to set her sights on him.
Then he’d kissed her and all her lies to herself had been revealed for the tissue-thin excuses they were.
She liked Ethan. A lot. As more than a friend. She wanted him to like her, too. She wanted him to do more than like her. She wanted him to—
She pushed her chair away from her desk.
She’d already made a deal with herself not to dwell on it. She didn’t have time to do the whole unrequited thing. If she was going to have a chance of having the family she wanted, she needed to throw herself into the dating scene, and she needed to do it wholeheartedly. Wholeheartedly.
She was busy all morning, then she braced herself to spend the afternoon stuck in a small meeting room with Ethan and a handful of other people.
She told herself it wasn’t as bad as she’d thought it might be, sitting opposite him for three hours, listening to his voice, meeting his gaze, laughing at his jokes. She kept her mind on the discussion—only once did it stray, and then only for a few seconds when Ethan raked his hand through his hair and she was reminded of how it had looked last night as he was lying on top of her, pressing her into the couch, stroking in and out of her…
She’d felt herself flushing, the heat rising up her body. She made an excuse to leave the meeting for a few minutes and didn’t come back until she knew she could look him in the eye and not betray herself.
The Best Laid Plans Page 14