by Anna Antonia
“I’d never forget that. Wait a minute! I thought you were a billionaire?”
His shoulders curled forward while he gave me a saucy wink. “Sometimes. It just depends on how my investments are doing. Lately, I’ve slid down into multimillionaire. Can you forgive the bad week I’ve had in the markets?”
He punctuated the mock apology with a dose of puppy dog eyes. It was a look that worked well on him.
“That puts everything into perspective,” I sang. “I guess you’ll just have to crash on my couch until you get back on your feet. It’s rough these days when you’re not a billionaire. Poor baby.”
He laughed. “It is indeed. By the way, will you be sharing the couch?”
“Nope. I’ll be sleeping in my bed like a baby.”
“Bummer.” Gavin shook his head with a wry grin. “You drive a hard bargain.”
I stuck my tongue out.
Instead of teasing me further, Gavin abruptly said, “I really don't get you. I can’t figure you out.”
He sounded so grumpy I almost smiled.
“Do you always categorize people?”
“It makes things easier, doesn’t it?”
It absolutely did. Except I didn’t have a multitude of boxes to choose from. Only one—not me.
“Sometimes.”
Gavin canted his head slightly. “I’m not being narcissistic when I say I know I’m attractive. I’m tall. I’m fit. I have money. I’m single. You seem to like me. I like you. So why do you want to run away from me so badly?”
Once again things got uncomfortable. I didn't know how to answer that.
Taking my time to answer, I said, “I’m not necessarily trying to run away from you.”
“No?”
“I guess I'm not very good with people either.” I let out a long breath. “I'm not someone who dates a lot so I'm not sure how to handle things very well with a guy. I guess running is my default because I don’t know what else to do. Like I said—I don’t want to overstay my welcome. If I think someone doesn’t want me around, I go. I’ve learned it’s better that way.”
This was as close to the truth as I could get about that. I never had a boyfriend. I also never really dated anyone. Why? I didn’t want to take a chance of losing someone I loved because of Patrick and Melissa’s craziness.
They dominated my life—even from five thousand miles away. This was all I knew and I couldn’t see that changing. Ever.
Apparently, the darkness of my family’s dysfunction sliced me away from the rest of the world a long time ago. Nothing could repair that cut.
And look at you. Dancing on the razorblade’s edge anyways.
“Then that makes the two of us. Usually I don’t do relationships, Paige. Of any kind.”
“Is that a warning then?”
Disappointed as that made me, I respected Gavin even more because of his honesty.
The object of my affection took his time answering.
“It's not a warning. It's just certain things don't come easy to me sometimes. Numbers make sense. Code makes sense. The law of diminishing returns makes sense. People not so much. Women even less.”
I got people well. Too well. It made it harder to interact with them when I could see more than they wanted to show.
“Men are tricky too.”
“Hardly! Men are simple to the point of stupid. We just want to work, eat well, watch TV, and have someone who loves us.”
“Oh, is that all?”
“Pretty much.”
“And that’s why there’s all that pesky cheating going on, right?” I asked with a roll of my eyes.
Gavin’s smile faded. “Not all men cheat. I don’t cheat. I never have and I never will.”
His seriousness and sincerity took me aback. I was at a loss when it came to saying something lighthearted so I didn’t even try.
“That makes you a rarity then.”
“I’m not as rare as you’d think.” Gavin skimmed his palm over my hair, careful not to dislodge my curls. I suddenly wished I’d worn it straight. “Lots of men want the same thing you do. Someone they can trust. Someone who has their best interest at heart. Someone who is loyal.”
“Then you’re definitely a keeper, Gavin.”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Paige.” He gently bumped his head against mine again. “So no more running away from me.”
Trying to lighten the mood, I said, “I wasn’t exactly running this time. I was just letting you know what’s up.”
“Really? You’re putting me on notice that I’m a sick sadistic bastard then?”
Blushes burned a trail across my cheeks and forehead.
“God, I’m so embarrassed for saying that.”
“But you meant it, didn’t you?”
I debated whether I should take another chance and speak the truth. Just when I was going to deny it, the truth popped out anyways.
Be careful. Don’t let it become a habit.
“Yes, I did.”
Did that guilty little voice belong to me?
My miserable admission made Gavin chuckle.
“You sound so pitiful, Paige. Really you do. I take it I was a sick sadistic bastard of the temporary kind?”
I groaned and hid my face in his chest.
“I’m never going to lose my cool like that again. Honestly, Gavin.” Blowing out a breath, I said, “This would make two times I’ve almost lost my job. I’m really surprised you haven’t fired me yet. Especially after that tantrum.”
“I was tempted, Little Missy. Don’t think I wasn’t.”
“Then thank you for keeping me. I really do like working here. Even though we seem to butt heads more often than not.”
Gavin smoothed his hand over my back in strong, steady strokes. “Do you really?”
“I love it! I love everything about it.”
“Enough to stay to the end of your assignment?”
“Absolutely! I don’t want to let you or Axis 3 down, Gavin. I’ll do whatever it takes to stay until Caroline gets back.”
He closed his eyes, face gone heavy with frustration. I wondered what I said that was so wrong.
“Gavin?”
TWENTY-ONE
He heard the distress in my voice and gave me a heart-throbbing grin.
“Don’t worry. I’m not upset with you.”
“Then what is it?”
“If I tell you then it’s going to completely demolish my cool, sensitive guy image.”
“Go for it. I already know you’re not sensitive.”
“But am I cool?”
I bit my lip, obviously trying to hold back a smile.
“A little. I guess.”
“I’ll take it.” Gavin linked his arms around my waist. My tummy got another silly little flutter. “I’m upset because the next two weeks can’t go by fast enough for me.”
Absolutely not what I expected him to tell me.
“That’s a mean thing to say!”
“It’s not mean when I tell you why. I want to see you outside of the office, Paige. I want to go on a real date with you. Not in two weeks but now.”
“We did have a real date already.”
“Last night was not a real date.”
It was to me. I was happy to have shared a meal with Gavin even though I’d been so nervous he was going to fire me.
And that was the crux of things.
I could never relax because I was so sure I was going to be found out. The truth I hid would never be put to rest unless it was out in the open.
But if I told him I’d lose him forever.
This thing between us was too new and fragile to survive the truth. Could I be so selfish, keeping him by my side with a lie?
I know this won’t end well. It can’t. Eventually I’ll have to go back to Hawaii, to my old life. What will I say to him then? I don’t know but I don’t want to kill this before it begins.
For however long I have.
The proof I was upside-dow
n in the world was that truth itself was an evil concept that had to be avoided at all costs. I could justify my actions ten different ways from Sunday, but I was wrong to keep the truth from Gavin.
The last two weeks proved I’d do it if that meant I could be happy just a little bit longer.
But this wasn’t just anybody I was lying to.
This was Gavin.
He was the only reason I ever wanted to be better. He inspired me to reach for a higher self. Continuing to lie to him like this was profane.
If I told him the truth I’d definitely lose him, but maybe I’d gain something better like honor, dignity, and respect? And maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t turn his back on me either?
My heart galloped in dry-mouth terror. I was crazy. I swallowed several times, desperately searching for the crumbs of my courage.
“Gavin, I, ah, there’s something I think I should tell you.”
“Me first.” He plunged forward in a rush of words. “I don’t like it when you threaten to leave.”
Once again Gavin knocked me back on my ass. I stood there quietly as he continued.
“If you do it again you’ll do it knowing how it makes me feel. I’ll know you made a conscious choice to say it and I’ll believe it. I won’t fight to make you stay. I’ll let you go.”
My throat constricted.
The Paige who was going to try to be better evaporated. Justification was easy when faced with Gavin’s vulnerability.
He didn’t want me to leave and I desperately wanted to stay.
I’d simply have to juggle both lives. I’d done it before—not to this extent—but I could make this work.
Besides, it wasn’t going to be forever.
Normal people weren’t like my father and Melissa, dug into one another so deep it hurt to breathe but hurt worse to stop.
Gavin and I were bound to tire of a love affair, right? That was what normal people did. They dated and then broke up.
It would happen to us too.
And while sad once it ended, we’d soon get over it. Then we could still be friends. Real ones who were nice to each other and cared. Like Gavin and Marlene.
It would be lovely to know I had one real friend in the world.
Licking my lips, I answered in a tiny voice, “It wasn’t a threat because I meant it at the time, but I would’ve regretted it. I’m sorry for trying to bail on you. Again.”
“Let it be two. Don’t go for a third. I mean it, Paige.”
I nodded, feeling the weight of my decision settle on my shoulders. It would be okay. It would have to be.
“I won’t run from you, Gavin. Ever again. I promise. Next time you’ll be the one to leave me.”
Feeling the vow resonate through my body, I knew I’d already predicted the end of this relationship. I wouldn’t leave Gavin first. He’d have to leave me and I’d let him go. It was my punishment and blessing.
Gavin squeezed me, saying, “You’re so serious, love! No one is going to leave anyone. Deal?”
What else could I say?
“Deal.” Clearing my throat, I then said, “I know you said you wouldn’t accept my apology later, but can you make an exception this time? I really am sorry for everything I said today.”
“Everything?” he asked with an adorable pout.
“Okay, not everything.”
“Which parts are you not apologizing for? Be specific please.”
Enjoying the play between us, I cuddled closer.
“The part about you being handsome.”
“Obviously. What else?”
“And the part about you being cool.”
“And?”
“And the part about liking you.”
“That’s what I wanted to hear.”
I was a shell. There wasn’t anything he needed to see behind it. Not when I could make this work by being someone other than me.
TWENTY-TWO
We weren’t supposed to see other tonight.
I was going to go home and reflect on my week. I’d work on my glossy exterior, making sure Gavin would never find the crack between this life and my real one in Hawaii.
If I was going to sell the lie then it had to be flawless. So deep even I almost believed it. That kind of commitment meant I needed time to put a plan together before I executed it.
I’d research articles, studies, and blogs to learn how to be in a healthy relationship. What were the correct words one used? How did conflict get resolved? What to do when jealousy flared?
How did nice people make love?
Especially that. I knew the mechanics but I’d never done it.
If I let myself really think about my lack of physical intimacy, I’d know it wasn’t a real surprise. You needed to be vulnerable to be naked.
And I never wanted to be outwardly vulnerable.
I’d spent the majority of my time feeling like I was always in danger of being mortally wounded through people’s careless viciousness. No way would I purposely sign up for more.
Rather, I’d never found anyone worth taking a chance to be invaded. Metaphorically or physically.
And then Gavin came to put a pin in my neat little plans.
“I’m breaking my word to you, Paige.”
“How?”
“I want to see you.”
I didn’t catch on.
“You’ll see me on Monday. I promise.”
“No. I don’t mean at work. I want to see you outside of work. I want to see you tonight.”
“Oh.”
I could get used to this light, fluttery feeling. What was that called again?
I think it’s called joy.
“Can I pick you up tonight? For dinner?”
Of course, I wanted to pounce on an affirmative. But I had to make sure Gavin wouldn’t resent me for being the cause of his rule breaking. Hard experience taught me not to easily make myself someone’s scapegoat.
“Are you sure you want to do that?”
Disappointment tightened his mouth. “You don’t want to go out with me?”
“I do!” I assured him quickly. Too quickly. “It’s just I don’t want you to end up regretting this.”
His full lips eased into a grin. His finger curled around my chin.“I won’t ever regret you, Paige.”
The urge to warn Gavin surfaced. I had to be fair. At least as much as I could when I was lying to him by omission every second of every day.
“You don’t know that, Gavin. I could turn out to be a harpy and then where would you be?”
He coughed out a laugh while saying, “A harpy? I haven’t heard that word since elementary school mythology.”
My nerdy side broke through. I should’ve said bitch instead. Every time I misstepped it was because of something like this. It was in the casual moments that I betrayed my mimicry. Fine cracks, barely noticeable, but there nonetheless.
I needed to distract Gavin from my faux pas and get back on track.
“What I’m trying to say—”
“I know what you’re trying to say,” Gavin broke in gently. “You’re telling me I don’t know you yet. I get it. We don’t know each other that well and from the way we’ve clashed at work…maybe it’s not the start of sunshine and roses.”
True. But I wanted it to be.
I wanted sunshine, roses, puppies, and unicorns. I wanted Gavin and me to be the best thing that had ever happened to either of us.
So I wanted to warn him but not warn him off. Which was silly considering how far I’d been willing to go to deceive him.
“It could be. It could actually be really nice.”
“I think so too, love.” Gavin cupped my chin. His earnest gaze broke me a little. “Can I take you out to dinner tonight, Paige? Would you do that for me?”
My mask slid off enough to again allow my natural shyness to show. I looked down and bit my lip.
“I’d like that.”
“Good. Can I swing by your place in, say, an hour and a half?”
&nbs
p; You don’t have to pick me up. I’m ready to go now!
Thank goodness I finally found some kind of filter between my mouth and thoughts.
“I’ll be ready.”
“Good.”
Gavin hugged me. I wrapped my arms around his lean waist and closed my eyes. When I was younger I used to imagine what it would be like to hug him. Of course, then I only thought of him with pure innocence.
My body reacted with very little innocence.
Instantly, I imagined us like this but without our clothes on. I didn’t have to guess at Gavin’s body. My touch felt the hard muscles beneath his immaculate suit. He would be magnificent naked.
Would he like what he saw of me?
Cheeks pink with excitement, I reeled myself back. It was just dinner. Not sex. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
“You feel so good, love,” Gavin sighed with a tight squeeze.
The pet name unnerved me but also felt so lovely. I’d love to hear it again.
“You do too.”
I could spare the confession. He wouldn’t put much stock in it, thinking it was sweet nothings, like calling me “love”.
“Paige, I could hug you forever.” He sighed again and then let me go. I missed Gavin’s touch already. “You better go before I can’t let you.”
I blinked, shyness out in the open, before pulling my mask back into place.
“Okay then. See you in about an hour and a half.”
Gavin’s serious face didn’t intimidate this time. I saw it for what it was.
Suppression.
“See you, Paige.”
“Bye, Gavin.”
I turned around and sauntered out of the conference room like I made dates all the time.
Inside, a veritable symphony of happiness played in my heart.
I heard the music all the way downstairs, in the cab, and into my apartment. I danced to it as I pulled out outfit after outfit until I decided on a slinky dress. I hummed to it as I carefully showered and groomed myself even though I doubted we’d do anything past a goodnight kiss.
Which…oh my. My lips tingled just from the thought.
I swayed to my internal symphony as I let my hair down and freshened my curls. I sang to it as I reddened my lips and darkened my eyes with kohl. I twirled to it as I slipped on my lingerie, dress, and heels. I ran to it when my phone rang.