by K. C. Wells
Colin spent the next ten minutes telling him about the company, his promotion and the kind of projects he got to work on. Ray settled against the seat cushions and listened, although it seemed to Colin that more than once he was finding it difficult to concentrate. He said nothing, but filed it away, one more thing to ask Ray about when they finally got around to discussing his health.
“So… your partner, Ed. What’s he like?”
Colin smiled. “Ed? He’s a bear.”
Ray chuckled, but his laughter died as another fit of coughing overtook him. When Colin caught sight of yet more blood on Ray’s handkerchief, it sent a shiver through him that he did his best to suppress.
“That makes sense. You always did lust after the hairy guys who came into the bars on Canal Street.”
Colin gave a mock gasp. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I only had eyes for you.” That was true enough. He vividly recalled the heady feelings of first love, of being totally smitten with the handsome lecturer, the feelings of disbelief that Ray had wanted to date him. He gazed at Ray, his emotions warring within him. He’d loved Ray with all his heart, and had thought that love was returned. But Ray’s abrupt departure had left him with doubts. Did he ever really love me?
Colin pushed aside such thoughts and poured himself another glass of wine. “I met Ed when I joined a local rugby team. Not that anything happened between us for a long time, over a year in fact.”
“Playing hard to get, was he?” Ray said with a snicker.
“More like, playing it straight.” Colin smiled. “I was the catalyst for him owning up to his hidden desires. And once he gave up trying to label himself, he was happy to accept that he was in love with a man.”
“You’re head over heels, aren’t you?” Ray’s voice was soft. When Colin blinked, he smiled. “It’s obvious when you talk about him. I’m glad about that, truly.”
Colin studied his glass. “We’re engaged. And one of these days, I’ll swap that ring for a wedding band.” Maybe it was time to start putting plans in motion. You never know what’s around the corner. Seeing Ray in his present state had reinforced that.
“That’s wonderful.” There was no doubting the sincerity in Ray’s voice. “I’m so happy for you.” He sighed. “I wasn’t that lucky. Then again, I made some wrong decisions, so it’s no surprise things turned out the way they did.” Whatever else he’d meant to say was lost in another fit of coughing, which left him fighting for breath. Colin waited until the colour in Ray’s cheeks had returned to normal before attempting a conversation.
“Maybe we should—”
“Look, would you mind if we called it a night? To be quite honest with you, I’m exhausted. And we do have the rest of the weekend to talk, right?”
Colin nodded. “Sure. I’m feeling tired myself.” It was a lie, but Ray didn’t need to know that. “I’ll call Ed before I go to sleep, but I’ll keep the noise down, okay?”
Ray gave a weak smile. “The way I’ve been lately, I’ll be sound asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. I doubt I’ll hear you.” He paused, a frown creasing his forehead. “There is one thing. I’ll try not to wake you, but I tend to go to the bathroom a lot during the night.”
“That’s fine. I’m a sound sleeper too.”
Ray eased himself gingerly up from the couch. “Then let’s clear this lot away so I can move the table for you to set up the bed.”
Colin was on his feet in seconds. “I can do that. You just get yourself ready for bed.” He picked up the pizza box and the polystyrene boxes, and placed them on the kitchen worktop. Ray walked through the door into his bedroom and returned with sheets, pillows and a folded blanket.
“These should keep you warm enough, but to tell the truth, this flat is pretty warm all year round.” He pointed to the cabinet above the sink. “There are glasses for water in there, and the blue towel on the rail in the bathroom is yours.”
“Thank you.” Colin took the bed linen and proceeded to remove the seat cushions. By the time he’d opened out the bed and made it up, Ray had finished in the bathroom and was standing in his robe by the couch.
“Sleep well.” Ray gave him a tired smile. “And tomorrow we can go for a walk.”
Colin nodded. “You sleep well too.” He waited until Ray had disappeared into his bedroom and the door was closed behind him before getting out his phone. He undressed quickly and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Once he was under the sheets, he called Ed, his earphones in place.
“Hey.” The note of genuine pleasure in Ed’s voice sent warmth rushing though him. “Where are you?”
Colin chuckled. “On a sofa bed, in a flat, in Edinburgh, where do you think?”
“Blimey, you’re in bed already?” Colin caught the soft rustle of crisp cotton. “’Ang on a sec.”
He smiled to himself, knowing exactly what Ed was doing. “Please, take your time.” He reached into his bag at the side of the couch and pulled out a clean handkerchief that he laid on the pillow next to him.
“Okay. I’m in bed.” Ed sighed. “Wish you were ’ere with me though.”
“I know.” They weren’t used to spending nights apart.
“Tigger’s taken to sleepin’ on your side of the bed when you’re not ’ere.” Ed huffed. “Even the cat misses ya.” He paused. “So, how’s Ray?”
It was Colin’s turn to sigh. “We haven’t talked that much since I arrived, although that will change tomorrow. But right now I’d rather talk about something else.” He smiled. “Like the last time I saw you.”
“Oh. Funny. I was just thinkin’ about that.”
“Were you indeed?” Colin slid his hand over his chest and tweaked his nipple. “And what were you thinking, exactly?”
“Your mouth on me dick.”
All thoughts of Ray slipped from his mind. Colin reached under the sheets and wrapped his hand around his cock, stroking it leisurely. “I love that, you know. Sucking you off, making you shudder.” He kept his voice low. Ray didn’t need to hear this.
“Are you gettin’ ’ard?” Colin could hear the change in Ed’s breathing, how it quickened.
He tugged at his stiffening length. “Oh yeah.”
“Bugger off, cat!” Colin caught the soft whump of Tigger landing on the floor. “Sorry ’bout that, but I draw the line at ’avin’ the bleedin’ cat watch me while I ’ave a wank.”
Colin laughed quietly, trying to imagine Tigger staring at Ed while he…
Oh yeah.
“What are you thinkin’ about?
Colin closed his eyes. “What I’m going to do to you when I get home on Sunday,” he whispered.
“Tell me,” Ed demanded.
“Only if you tell me where your fingers are right this second.”
“Fuck, ’ow did ya know? They’re in me arse.”
Colin chuckled. “I know you, baby.”
Ed growled. “’Ow many bleedin’ times do I ’ave to tell ya? Don’t call me baby.” He would have sounded more believable if not for the breathless quality that told Colin exactly what he was doing.
“You’re not fooling me for a second, Ed Fellows. You like it.”
“Like fuck I do.” Another low growl. “Do I look like I’m anyone’s baby?”
“Do your fingers feel good while you fuck yourself with them?” he whispered. “Do you wish my fingers were inside you right now?”
“Gawd, don’t you know it,” Ed moaned. “Wish it was yer cock, an’ you balls deep in me.”
“That… can be arranged,” Colin said, stroking his now rigid dick. In his mind he could picture Ed, lying on his back, knees pulled up to his chest, his hole stretched and waiting for Colin. “Want to be in bed with you right now, making love to you.”
“Yeah, fuck, yeah.” Ed’s breathing sped up. “Col, soon.”
“I hear you.” Colin tugged harder, already aware of the tingle in his balls that heralded his climax. “Me too. Next time, though… I’ll be coming inside you.”
The loud groan that filled his ears signalled Ed’s orgasm, and it was enough to push Colin over the edge. He stifled his own moans as he shot his load into the handkerchief, his body shuddering through the wave of pleasure that broke over him. “Oh wow.”
“Wow is right.” Ed chuckled. “I ’aven’t come like that in a while. You’ll ’ave to go away more often.”
Colin laughed quietly as he wiped himself clean. “I see. Trying to get rid of me, are you?”
“Nah, but think about the welcome ’ome sex that’s comin’ your way,” Ed said with a snicker.
Colin tried not to groan. “You’re not helping,” he whispered.
“We could always do it again tomorrow night.” The hopeful tone to Ed’s voice made Colin want to laugh.
“You’re a wicked man.”
“Does that mean yes?”
God, Colin wanted to laugh out loud right then. “It means we’ll see. And now I’m going to end this call before Ray opens his bedroom door and demands to know what on earth I’m doing out here.” Lord knew he’d tried to be discreet.
“Thank you,” Ed said sincerely. “I did miss ya tonight. Call me tomorrow? And we don’t have to, you know…”
Colin chuckled. “You are such a paradox. One minute you’re telling me in graphic details what you want, and the next? You’re as shy as anything.” He smiled to himself. “I love you.”
“Love you too. I was only thinkin’ this morning that I don’t tell you often enough ’ow I feel about ya. Maybe those need to be the first words out of my mouth every morning when I wake up with you beside me, because Gawd knows, I’m grateful for every fuckin’ day that I ’ave you in me life.”
For a moment Colin was lost for words. Ed wasn’t usually given to voicing his emotions, and just hearing him baring his soul brought tears to prick the corners of Colin’s eyes.
“That is quite possibly the sweetest thing you have ever said to me.”
Ed chuckled. “Yeah, well, don’t get used to it. I’m not the mushy sort.”
“No, but when you speak from the heart, you turn me to mush.” Colin sighed. “Good night. Only two more sleeps until I’m back.”
“Thank Gawd for that. Not lettin’ you go away again,” Ed said gruffly. “Now get some sleep.” He disconnected the call.
Colin removed his earphones, still smiling. He stared up at the small window, through which the night sky was visible.
What will tomorrow bring?
What disturbed him was the uneasy feeling that thought brought with it.
Chapter Fifteen
April 2nd
Colin leaned on the green metal bridge that crossed the Water of Leith. “This is stunning.” Beside them rose Well Court, the rear of the buildings as imposing as the front, with turrets that overlooked the water. “When was this built?”
“1886, I think.” Ray rested his forearms on the railing.
Colin observed him closely. “Are you sure you’re up to this?” Ray didn’t appear rested after a night’s sleep, and still seemed to have difficulty breathing.
Ray sighed. “Trust me. This is as good as it gets.” He turned his head toward Colin. “I try to get out here once a day because there’s going to come a time, and I don’t think it’s that far off, when I won’t be able to do this anymore.”
Colin froze. “You’re really… dying?” There had been part of him that had hoped Ray had been exaggerating, that it wasn’t true.
Ray swallowed. “Lung cancer. Well, that’s the part that’s killing me. There’s a list.”
“I thought you said AIDS…”
“Look, we can talk about this later, all right? For now, let’s just go for a walk along the water’s edge, and enjoy the view.” His gaze met Colin’s. “Dwelling on the subject does not make it any more palatable, believe me. All I want to do is spend some time with you, and not think about it.” He huffed. “Which is easier said than done, I know, but let’s give it a try, okay?”
“Okay,” Colin agreed.
They spent about forty minutes strolling along the Water of Leith Walkway, and Colin had to admit, it was a beautiful place to live. They passed old stone cottages, complete with metal troughs hanging from iron railings, which were filled with flowers. Above the trees that lined the walk, a grey stone church tower rose up. Their route alternated between stone pavements and a path that ran close to the water’s edge, cool and peaceful, with overhanging trees and ducks that swam along, quacking loudly. It was such a tranquil scene, and yet its beauty was marred by the knowledge Ray had shared.
He really is dying.
By the time they returned to the flat, Ray looked pale and haggard, his breathing laboured. When Colin offered him an arm as they climbed the stairs, it seemed at first that he might refuse, but then he relented and took it. They made their way up slowly, pausing now and again so that Ray could catch his breath. Once inside the flat, Colin helped him onto the couch.
“In… my bedroom…. Oxygen tank and mask,” Ray wheezed, before breaking into a coughing fit.
Colin dashed into the room and found them beside the bed. He brought them to Ray who looped the mask over his head and turned on the air. Colin sat beside him, his stomach churning as he watched Ray’s pallor diminish. When Ray was finally breathing normally, or as normal as Colin had seen thus far, Colin fetched him a glass of water.
Ray took several careful sips before placing the glass on the table. “I suppose… now would be a good time to talk.”
Colin nodded, his chest tight.
“There have been numerous infections during the last few years,” Ray admitted. “They’re what the docs call ‘opportunistic infections.’
“What kind of infections are we talking about?” Colin’s heart sank to think Ray had been so ill, and hadn’t been in touch before this point.
“Herpes simplex, for one.” Ray gestured toward his mouth. “As you can see. I’ve also had pneumonia and TB.”
“TB?” Colin recalled reading something about TB making an unwelcome return to the UK.
Ray nodded. “They treated that. But there are a whole host of other nasties that are part and parcel of my daily life now.”
“Such as?”
He shrugged. “Night sweats. I get them a lot. Then there’s severe diarrhoea.” He grimaced. “I did say nasty, right? Plus the meds mean my appetite isn’t what it used to be, as if I can eat that much with all this going on.” Another gesture to his painful looking mouth. “Hence the weight loss.”
“How long have they given you?” Colin asked, his heart aching.
Ray squared his jaw. “Now you listen to me. I’m not about to wallow in a pity party, so neither are you. I’m doing okay so far, living here. I can manage. And when the time comes that I can no longer do that, then I’ll check myself into a nice little hospice somewhere.” He gave a sad smile. “I’m not an idiot. I know I’ll need palliative care eventually. Just, not yet.” He sagged against the seat cushion. “I’m sorry, but that walk has wiped me out. I need to take a nap.” Ray expelled a long breath. “And that’s another thing. I seem to be sleeping more.”
“Listen, if that’s what your body is telling you, then that’s what you do.” Colin patted Ray’s knee. “Go put your head down for a while. I’ll be fine. I’ve got my phone and my tablet, and I’m pretty sure I have e-mails to answer. When you’ve rested, I’ll make us something for lunch, okay?”
“Okay.” Ray rose unsteadily to his feet. “Could you do me a favour and bring the oxygen tank through for me?”
“Of course.” Colin picked it up along with the mask and followed Ray into his bedroom. He waited until Ray had lain down on the bed before placing the tank next to the headboard where he’d found it. Colin gazed down at his ex. “Now get some sleep. You won’t even know I’m here.”
“But I’m glad that you are,” Ray said quietly.
Colin unfolded the blanket from the foot of the bed and covered him with it. Then he crept out of the room and closed the door
behind him.
Once he was sitting on the couch, Colin leaned forward, his head in his hands, his thoughts full of the man Ray had been, the lover who’d taken a shy nineteen year old boy and showed him love. Whatever happened, Ray would always be a part of Colin’s life.
Then he sighed. He’s not dead yet.
Colin reached into his bag and found his tablet. He needed distracting.
* * * * * *
“So what do you want to do for dinner this evening?” Ray asked, his feet propped up on the coffee table. He grinned. “Indian takeaway?”
Colin snorted. “Absolutely not. I had my year’s quota of fast food last night. How about I see what’s in the fridge, and I rustle up something healthy for us?”
Ray sighed. “You sound like the nurse who comes here to do my check-ups. She gave me a leaflet all about the beneficial effects of various herbs and spices, for people living with HIV/AIDS.”
Colin eyed him speculatively. “And have you followed any of the advice?”
Ray’s eye roll was answer enough.
Something had been niggling away at the back of Colin’s mind ever since their conversation that morning. “I’ve been meaning to ask you. I thought once someone received a diagnosis of HIV+, that it could be decades before AIDS developed, if it did at all.”
Ray stilled. “What’s your point?”
Colin gave a shrug. “Only that this all seems to have happened so fast. I mean, when did you first get the diagnosis?”
To his surprise, Ray suddenly avoided his gaze. “A while ago.”
“Fine, but what’s ‘a while’? Five years, ten?” When Ray steadfastly looked in the opposite direction, the hairs on the back of Colin’s neck stood on end. “Ray? What’s going on?”
Silence, and now the skin on his forearms erupted into goose bumps.
Colin took a deep breath. “Ray? When did you find out you were HIV+?”
Slowly Ray turned his head to meet Colin’s gaze. “March 18th, 1992.”
It was as if an icy hand had plunged into his heart. “What?” He blinked. Swallowed. Stared. “But… that would mean… ” Colin gaped at him and fought hard to maintain his composure. “You knew… when we got together in 2000… you knew you were positive?”