There was a loud crash, and the shower curtain was yanked open. I screamed, hunching over to hide my nakedness as Jai glowered down at me. Humiliation smothered me as a disheveled Noel tossed a towel over my bare body.
“River Styx!” Noel jerked away from the shower spray. “The water’s freezing!”
Jai paled, and the anger in his eyes dissolved into soul-crushing sorrow. “Riley, no.” He collapsed beside the tub. “Baby, get out of the tub.”
“W-what?”
“Get out of the tub, Riley!”
Why was he shouting at me? I already cleansed, and I’d stay under the cold water as long as he wanted. I just wanted to be forgiven.
“Sweetheart, get out of the tub,” Noel begged, his eyes filling with tears.
Confusion replaced my fear. “I can’t. I’m not done yet.”
Jai growled and rose to his feet. Dressed in his pajama pants, he climbed into the shower, his back taking the brunt of the spray. He grimaced at the cold as he knelt before me.
“Gates of Hell! Riley, get the fuck out of the tub.”
“What in the names of the seven princes is going on in here?” Gideon burst into the bathroom, and I clutched the towel tighter around my shoulders.
Noel threw himself at Gideon, speaking desperately in their angelic language. Jai barely spared them a glance, his furious stare boring into me.
“You’re c-cold,” I stuttered. “You n-need to g-get out.”
“You stay, I stay.” He shivered, his dark eyes holding mine. “That’s how it works, baby. That’s how it’s always worked.”
Noel crawled into the tub behind me and wrapped his arms around my towel-clad shoulders “That’s what family is, love.” Noel buried his face in the back of my neck. “You stay, we stay.”
As Gideon knelt beside the tub, I lifted my eyes to his, his features crestfallen in devastation. “It’s time to get out of the tub, little one.” He cupped my chin, his thumb warming my frozen cheek. “We can’t do it for you. It’s your choice.”
Free will. They wouldn’t force me—couldn’t force me. I’d put myself here, and I would have to get myself out. But did I want to? I was supposed to be here, wasn’t I? I was atoning for my sin.
“I-I just want to be g-good again.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you.” Gideon’s deep timber washed over me like warm rain. “There never has been.”
Fresh tears trickled over my cheeks, wetting his fingers. “I’m sorry. I d-don’t understand. I’m s-sorry.”
Noel choked on another sob, and Jai released a guttural moan like a wounded animal. Gideon’s thumb pressed against my bottom lip to stop my blubbering apologies.
“Get out of the tub, Riley.”
Our gazes held for a never-ending moment as I begged him for redemption he didn’t think I needed. Hesitantly, I reached for the lifeline they offered. I didn’t understand, not fully, but I wanted the mercy they seemed so desperate to give me. I was a wretched, immoral boy, but they hadn’t given up on me. They’d been nothing but kind and loving.
You stay, we stay. It’s how family works.
I didn’t know what they meant, but I wanted to.
“O-okay.”
One simple word. It was all they needed.
I was lifted out of the tub, grasping the towel desperately to preserve whatever modesty I still possessed. When Gideon placed me on my feet near the toilet, he offered me a dry towel, and I executed a quick exchange, praying I didn’t flash too much skin. Noel instantly fretted over me, his hands gliding over my hair, my shoulders. I recoiled. I was in no way aroused anymore, but I couldn’t trust myself or their touches.
“What the fuck was that?” Jai shoved Noel aside, his pajama pants drenching the bathmat beneath us. “What were you doing? Why were you punishing yourself?”
Noel smacked his shoulder, his eyes red from tears. “Jai, calm down. You’re scaring him.”
“He fucking deserves it after a stunt like that.” My sobs returned full force as Jai shouted, his face a mask of fury.
“Jairus, that is enough.” Gideon said. “If you’re not going to help, then get out.”
“I’m not going anywhere until he explains what the fuck he was doing in an ice-cold shower,” Jai said.
Noel lunged around Gideon, beating Jai’s chest with his fists. “Stop yelling at him, you bully. He hates it when you yell.”
Gideon shouldered past the wrestling duo and dropped to his knees before me. Shuddering from the cold, I tugged the towel tighter around me as another sob wrenched from my chest.
“Please, don’t fight.”
His expression softened as he clasped my shoulders with his wide hands. “What happened? I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong. Why were you punishing yourself?”
There was no way I could ever reveal the true reasoning I jumped into the cold shower. Not only was it the most humiliating experience of my life to date, but it was disgusting and wrong. They would never speak to me again if they ever knew I’d… That I…
If I apologized, maybe they wouldn’t be mad anymore. “I’m sorry—”
“I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to tell me what happened.” His expression and tone were expectant, somber. I would disappoint him again, it would seem. I shook my head as fresh tears leaked over my cheeks.
“Of course he isn’t gonna tell us,” Jai said, warding off Noel’s smacks. “He doesn’t even trust us.”
“Oh, I wonder why? Screaming at people usually instills such a firm level of trust, doesn’t it?” Noel shoved Jai with strength neither of them expected, and Jai stumbled back, nearly falling back into the tub.
“Enough!” Gideon bellowed.
I collapsed to my knees in penance. They were yelling and fighting, and it was all my fault. Because I was a terrible, evil, wicked boy.
“Riley, no. Get up,” Gideon commanded, exasperation lacing his voice as he ran a hand through his hair. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Stop kneeling!”
“Depths of Sheol, what is wrong with you?” Dragging Gideon out of the way by his shirt, Noel snarled what must have been a string of angelic curses before mirroring my position on his knees. “Riley, sweetie, it’s okay. We’re not mad at you—”
“I’m mad at him,” Jai said.
“And I’m going to find the biggest paintbrush I own and shove it so far up your ass I’ll be painting your throat brown.” The light in the bathroom flickered as Noel’s body lit with an ethereal glow. “Shut up, Jairus!”
Noel turned his attention back to me as I cowered away from Jai’s incensed glare. “Shh, baby, it’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay. We’re not mad at you.” He cupped my cheeks and thumbed away my tears. “We’re just scared and worried. What you were doing isn’t healthy. It’s not good for you.”
“But it makes me better,” I said, and his colorless eyes watered.
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Riley. You don’t need to be better; you just need to be you.” He was crying now, and his tears broke my ruined heart. “You’re not bad or evil or nasty. You’re not any of the things she said you were. You’re kind and sweet and selfless. You care so deeply and love everyone, even when they don’t deserve it. You’re so good, and you can’t listen to her anymore. Do you understand?
“She was wrong. She was always wrong about you. She shouldn’t have ever hurt you because you’re nothing like what she made you believe. You’re perfect.” He hauled me forward to kiss my forehead, but my chest filled with lead as the meaning of his words sunk in.
Mouth ajar, throat burning, I gawked at Noel’s sorrow-filled face before lifting my gaze to the broken ire in Jai’s eyes. Gideon’s stoic expression had long cracked, revealing a furious tick in his jaw, his eyes sparking fiercely. And the truth hit me like a load of bricks.
You stay, we stay. That’s how it’s always worked.
They knew. They’d always known. Heck, they’d been there! Betrayal trickled through my veins,
hot and acrid, replacing the ice in my blood until I trembled from the fire.
When I returned my dead stare to Noel, he visibly flinched away from me. “You know about Ms. Janet?”
Chapter Nineteen
The silence hung heavy in the air, stifling and bleak. Three pairs of eyes avoided my gaze, and the bitterness in my blood heated to anger. When no one responded, I sniffed and cleared my throat.
“You know about Ms. Janet?” I repeated, firmer this time.
Noel bit his bottom lip until red blossomed from the flesh. “We’re your Guardians, Riley. Of course, we know.”
Understanding dawned, and I swallowed the bile teasing my throat. “How long have you been my Guardians?”
Turning away in shame, Noel pressed his lips together as a tear threatened to fall from his full lashes. Jai refused to look at me, glowering at the floor. I stared into Gideon’s eyes.
“How long?”
Gideon’s face was closed off and emotionless, leaving me colder than the water ever could. “Since the night you were left at the fire station.”
A strangled noise caught in my throat. I’d been a baby when my parents abandoned me at the firehouse with nothing but my first name embroidered on my hat. Which meant they knew everything. The terrible foster homes, affectionless group houses, my stint in the mental hospital, Ms. Janet and her punishments—they knew it all.
“My whole life?” They didn’t deny it, and my anger grew, solidifying into something dark and ugly in my stomach. “If you were my Guardians my whole life, why didn’t you help me?”
With a whimper, Noel reached for me as if to hold me, but I stepped away. He hugged himself instead. “Sweetie, please—”
“I was all alone. Where were you?”
“We never left you.” Jai straightened, arms crossed over his chest. “We never left you alone, not once.”
It should have comforted me, but it didn’t. “You left me with her.”
“We never left!”
I’d never been one to lose my temper, but something in me cracked open and all the hurt and rejection over the years gushed out like a furious river. “Then where were you?” I shouted, and Jai’s control snapped.
“We were in that fucking tub with you!” The light overheard whined and flickered as his skin lit with an ethereal glow. “We sat in the ice and froze in the dark and held you when you knelt until your knees bled. Every single punishment. We couldn’t stop her, but we suffered with you. Every. Fucking. Time. We never left!”
“If you were there, why didn’t I see you? Why didn’t I know you?”
“You did know us.” Noel captured my shoulders and shook me. “You’ve always known us.”
Jai shoved Noel away from me, his anger morphing to fear. “Shut up, Noel!”
But the damage was done.
“What do you mean? We just met two months ago.” Once again, no one spoke, but their guilt filled the room until I tasted its vinegar on my tongue. “What do you mean?”
“You knew us before,” Noel repeated, hugging himself as he sniffled.
They’d been familiar from the start. Something in my mind had recognized them, even if I couldn’t recall how. Instead of investigating the feeling, I’d dismissed it and focused on my budding friendship, but now?
“Then why can’t I remember?” When no one looked at me, my frustration swelled again. I was sick and tired of being denied the truth. “Why don’t I remember?”
“Because I made you forget.” Gideon’s voice was clipped, his expression annoyingly blank. “We’re not a part of your world. You were never supposed to know us, but you saw us anyway.
“It happens sometimes with children. They believe in things that adults ignore, but they usually outgrow it within a few years. You didn’t. You knew us, called us by name, and spoke of us as if we were real because, to you, we were. We were more real to you than your mortal realm.
“Eventually, your caregivers took notice. They thought there was something wrong with you, and we had to take action. You would have stayed in that hospital if you didn’t move on without us. So, I persuaded you to forget.”
Gideon’s emotionless mask held firm; he didn’t look remotely human. He was a robot, an unfeeling machine, unapologetic and cruel. I wasn’t a violent person, but my hands fisted and shook with the desire to hit the stoicism off his face.
Shaking my head, I sobbed into my towel. “You can’t make me do anything. Jai said so. You can’t force me to do something I don’t want.”
“We can be persuasive when we need to be. You’d spent your life trying to fit in, trying to be normal. There was a part of you that wanted to forget so you could be like other kids. We shielded so you wouldn’t see us, stopped talking to you so you would forget. And you trusted me more than you trusted your own mind.” He looked me square in the eyes, without a hint of regret. “You trusted me, and I used your trust to manipulate you. You forgot us, believing us to be nothing but childish imagination. Had my Secondaries done their job correctly, you would still be living with that assumption.”
Every word was like a punch to the stomach. Imaginary friends, the ones so real they made me insane. My angels were those fictitious friends, except they weren’t fake at all. They were real! Yet they’d allowed the doctors to drug me, to poke and prod until I didn’t know what was reality and what was only real in my head. And then they’d altered my memories.
“You messed with my head?” Somehow, that treachery burned worse than leaving me in Ms. Janet’s tub. It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and stomped on.
I’d trusted them, but they lied. They acted like they cared about me, like I was a small part of their bizarre family. But like everyone else, they put on fake smiles and hid behind kind words, yet they hadn’t meant any of it.
“I thought you were my friends.” The cold seeped into my bones, numbing me to the torment of their betrayal.
“We are your friends,” Noel whimpered, but his tears couldn’t thaw the ice in my chest.
“You’re not very good ones.” I wiped the tears from my cheeks. “I want to go home now.”
Without a word, Gideon stepped aside, and I ran from the bathroom without a backward glance. Something shattered behind me, the mirror perhaps, and Noel wailed with sorrow. I didn’t stop.
In Jai’s room, I dressed as quickly as my trembling fingers allowed. I refused to look at Jai’s bed where I’d minutes ago been lying in utter contentment between my guardian angels. I’d never shared a bed with anyone before. How could I sleep alone, now that I knew what it felt like to be held? But I shouldn’t think that because they were horrible, lying boys who didn’t care about me at all.
They’d messed with my mind and tried to control me. Though Jai denied it, they had left me when I needed them most. Maybe Ms. Janet was right about me, maybe not. But they allowed her to hold me under the ice water. Friends didn’t do that. They protected and cared about each other. Friends didn’t let one another get hurt.
The moment I left Jai’s room, I was bombarded by Noel’s pleading sobs. “Riley, don’t go. Please, sweetie, I know you’re upset. But stay. Let us explain.”
When he grabbed at my hands, I leapt out of reach. “Don’t touch me!”
He staggered back as if I’d slapped him, his pale face moist with tears. How could he still look beautiful with a red, runny nose and bloodshot eyes? It wasn’t fair.
Turning from a weeping Noel, I nearly ran face first into Jai’s chest. He stood in the mouth of the hallway, arms crossed, feet wide—a blockade. With jaw set and eyes spitting fire, he stared me down.
“You’re not leaving like this,” he growled. “Don’t go.”
“You can’t make me stay.”
“Don’t go!”
The persuasive magic glided over my skin and wrapped around my mind, coaxing the parts of me that wanted to remain in their arms. But my anger was stronger. I shook off the suggestion, hating him in this moment for using his power aga
inst me.
“I’m choosing to leave.”
“Stay.”
“No.”
“Riley—”
“You can’t make me!” I pushed at his chest, but he didn’t budge. “I’m leaving. Please, let me leave.”
With a snarled curse, he stepped aside and smashed his fist into the wall, burying his knuckles in the drywall. I scampered away from his violence, terrified of his anger, and my eyes fell to his tattooed back. The tree twisted painfully, the blossoms falling to the base of his back where they shriveled and died. Blackbirds flapped their wings on his shoulder, cawing in silent protest.
I didn’t understand the magic of his tattoo, but I felt its pain like my own. I turned away, unable to witness it a moment longer.
When I made it to the front door, I slipped on my tennis shoes and ignored Gideon’s approach. Keys jingled in his hand.
“I’ll drive you back to your dorm.”
“No, thank you.” I double-knotted my laces and wiped my nose on the sleeve of my hoodie. “I’d rather walk.”
“I’m not allowing you to—”
“I’m not asking permission.” His eyebrows disappeared into his hairline, and I held his stare as my knees quaked. “If you follow me at school, I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to know you’re there. Please, just leave me alone.”
Without awaiting an answer, I yanked the front door open and fled. I heard them call after me, but I didn’t stop. I sprinted down the sidewalk, my shoes slapping the concrete as I puffed for oxygen. I’d only made it a few blocks before I had to slow to a limping walk. For the sake of my sanity, I checked behind me every few steps, but I didn’t see any of them. They hadn’t followed.
As my sobs calmed, I took a moment to study my surroundings. I didn’t know how far campus was, but I walked in the general direction. I recognized a few buildings and landmarks, but I wasn’t sure where I was. Since I didn’t drive, I was mostly unfamiliar with the town. I wasn’t allowed to get my driver’s license when I lived with Ms. Janet, and after starting college, I never needed one. I was regretting that decision now.
“Riley?” A car slowed to a crawl beside me, the hazard lamps blinking, and I wiped my eyes to clear my watery vision. Danny leaned over the center console, his attention darting between me and the road in front of him. “Riley, is that you? What the Hell are you doing?”
Revelations: Fire & Brimstone Scroll 1 Page 21