“We don’t let it. Only we can make it real and then nobody can take it away. It will be our world. We just have to want it badly enough and choose each other.” Our world… I roll that combination of words in my mind and it sounds so far-fetched. Did I just ask her to choose me out loud? Am I a total fucking loon? Why am I wishing she would tell me we’re not crazy for going down this blasphemous road and that this is where we ought to be? Sara, choose me, I whisper again in my mind, and then I feel her squeeze my hand a little tighter…and that’s all I need.
“No One Is To Blame” by Howard Jones
Liam and I need to have words before we upgrade our relationship from strangers who lick into each other’s mouths to strangers who get naked and lick into each other’s mouths. He can’t go around building imaginary worlds for us when there is no us! He’s nothing to me! I just need him to fuck me hard and fast so I can let go of this stupid idea that I belong to Jeffery. I don’t belong to anybody. But first, we both need to be in agreement on one very important truth. “Liam, you—I mean, we need to talk about your feelings for Emily.”
He opens his eyes and looks at me, and just before he starts opening his mouth to try and talk, I hold my finger up to shut him up. I need to say my piece first.
“I need for you to understand what Emily shares with her husband. Don’t roll your eyes or yes me, I need to make you understand that what those two have is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. I’m allowed to say that because I was there from day one. From the moment their eyes locked, their futures were sealed. You get that, right?” It’s a funny thing trying to describe Em and Louis to someone who hasn’t witnessed their love affair in person. If I hadn’t been there from its inception, I may not believe it, either.
I’m in the midst of verbalizing the greatest love story I’ve ever had the privilege of witnessing first-hand and I can sense Liam’s withdrawal; he isn’t looking at me, I’m not even sure he’s listening. “Liam!” I want him to keep looking at me as I try and make him understand. He opens his blue eyes but he stares straight up at the ceiling. “Liam, if Emily were your sister, you would sleep well at night knowing that Louis Bruel loves her, only her. I’m sorry about your own sister. I don’t know what happened exactly and neither do you, but she did what she did to herself, and you can’t blame yourself or Louis for causing any of it. She made that choice to take her own life.
“I can’t do this with you if somewhere in the back of your mind or in your heart you believe that you and Emily have a future. I won’t stand for it as her best friend and I won’t stand for it as your next lay. She and Louis are happy together; they have two gorgeous children and enough memories and good times to fill books. I won’t let you try to hurt them to avenge the death of your sister. That’s my deal breaker, if you have feelings for Emily as more than a friend then you need to leave.” His response will tell me everything I need to know; his words will decide our involvement. He doesn’t answer me. It’s a bit eerie just waiting for him to say something. “Liam, if there was even a one percent chance in my mind that you and Em could one day end up together, I would never in a million years be kissing you or having anything resembling sex with you. Do you understand that?” He nods his head but continues to look away. “Can you tell me what happened that night in St. Lucia? I need to know.”
He turns his head to look at me and I can’t decipher his look—is he mad, sad, or just defeated? “I know she loves him,” he whispers in a hoarse voice that sounds broken.
“So, why are you so hell-bent on seeing her?” That’s a logical question; if he knows she’s with the man she loves, why would he try to cause trouble and rip them apart?
“Isa loved him, too. I was worried that he was treating Emily the way Isa described him treating her,” he mumbles, suddenly appearing nervous.
“I don’t know what your sister described in that book, but I can assure you Louis has never physically hurt Emily, not even accidently. He treats her like a precious heirloom. And those kids are the luckiest kids in the world, you couldn’t design a better father than Louis if you tried.” I know my words are hurting him. If Louis is suddenly a good guy and hate is out of the equation, Liam will have no one to blame for his sister’s death.
He starts biting his nails, illustrating his nervousness. “He had parties, where sometimes he invited ten men to have their way with my beautiful sister, right in front of him. He got off on seeing her raped and humiliated in front of him. He would sit and watch while his friends tied her up and did things that I can’t even say or I’ll start crying like a fucking baby.” He puts his arm over his eyes as if trying to block out his imagination that no doubt paints a horrible, vivid scene. It’s hard for me to imagine his sister writing and describing such events, let alone living though them, if they actually happened. I’ve only ever had sex with one guy, so having ten men fuck me in every hole while my boyfriend watches doesn’t sound like a treat. I squeeze his hand, knowing that what he just told me must hurt like hell.
“I’m sorry, that sounds disgusting and horrible and I can’t believe you had to read that, but I’m sure he doesn’t do things like that with Em if you’re worried. Em wouldn’t allow it.”
He nods his head with his arm still draping his eyes.
“Liam, look at me.” I don’t know what he’s going through unless he looks at me. I need to gauge his state before I try to question him further or offer my two cents. “Don’t shut me out. I know it wasn’t easy for you to say that out loud, but all we have is this small window of escape, we can help each other work the past out of our heads, but you need to look at me and let me in.”
“Sara, you can’t help make her pain go away. It’s my job to keep hurting for her because she wasn’t strong enough to keep living with the pain.” He finally looks at me. His eyes are red-rimmed, making the blue in his irises even bluer. He suddenly seems like a hurt little boy and nothing like the carefree sexy man that has been driving my insides crazy. He needs a hug, he needs someone to understand him and love him. The reason I know what he needs is because I need the same thing.
He continues. “I didn’t fix her and she couldn’t fix herself, and now she’s gone. He and his friends had a hand in her downfall. I also had a hand in her suffering because I didn’t do enough to save her.” The guilt pours out of him and makes his anguish almost palpable.
“What could you have done? Murdered Louis? Slayed all his friends? If you could go back in time, what could you have changed so that she would stop hurting? Nothing, Liam! Absolutely nothing!”
His eyes close at my words, and there is a good possibility I’ve pushed him away and he’ll most likely leave. But I have to make him understand that his sister’s choices and actions had nothing to do with him. “You loved her, she made the decision to stop loving herself, not you. You can’t be held accountable for other people’s choices. Liam, she was sick.” I watch as tears run down his cheeks, and everything inside me starts to ache. I don’t even know this guy, but I just want him to stop hurting.
I let go of his hand and move closer to burrow my body into his side. I place my head on his chest and my hand on his heart. His hand covers mine as he looks down at me, and it’s weird but it feels like there is no one in the world but us right now. I have this unexplainable instinctual reaction to him that almost feels like this is where I belong, and I cannot be held accountable for what I know is inevitable…even if it’s wrong.
“I Melt With You” by Modern English
“I’ve changed my mind. No more talking,” I say as I lower my lips to give the broken ballerina at my side another kiss. I don’t want to talk, knowing that between the two of us loons we have enough problems to talk for years. I just need to be somewhere else, I want something to stop the pain that I feel from the guilt I can never escape. I want her and I want her now. No more words—they won’t help anyway.
She nods her head and pulls herself up to straddle me. She takes hold of my face and brings her lips down to
lightly kiss my cheeks. She kisses the trail my tears left, and I’m aware that I promised to not close my eyes, but if I keep them open, I’m afraid the tears will start to fall again. I don’t feel as manly as I ought to.
“It’s okay to close your eyes, Liam, only for this one time… I will be whoever you want me to be. Maybe I can help make it hurt less,” she says into my ear on the verge of tears herself.
I love that she cares, but her words slice me open and this is not how this is going to go down. I flip us over to change positions and our depressing moods. Right now I want her, only her, and I won’t let her think she needs to be anybody else but Sara, my broken ballerina. “I don’t need to close my eyes because it’s you I fancy. I want us both to escape; we just need to drown out everything else around us. I, Liam, want to fuck you, Sara, so help me God.”
She smiles. Yes, yes, this is what I want! That bloody smile is glorious, it’s brilliant and it lights up her eyes like pure magic. For the next few hours, I will make her smile and laugh and be so deliriously happy that she will forget how to cry and who her heart longs for.
“Thank you,” she says with tears in her beautiful green eyes.
“What are you thanking me for? I haven’t done a bloody thing to you, yet. Hold your thank yous and applause until after my stellar performance,” I add with a wink. This, her and I, right now, is going to be anything but sad. It’s going to be bloody ace and she will be wearing the smile I instigated long after I’ve left, and so will I. We don’t need to talk; we need to fuck, hard, and forget the world and every last bastard inhabiting it.
I reckon the speaking portion of our day has just ended and the best part is about to commence. The expression and the smile on her face are doing funny things to my brain. I’m getting high on Sara and there are no drugs involved. We ought to start subtracting some coverings and let the fun begin. Talking and trying to sort out our rubbish, I’m not very good at, but fucking her in this bed will be my pleasure, and with any luck, hers too.
I go back to kissing her, enjoying how the bright room illuminates every piece of her. It feels like we’re inside a thick fog operating at slow motion. I’m holding myself up on my forearms, letting just my hard tool touch her lower stomach and I feel her trying to gain more traction with our only point of contact. She wants this—my horny, broken ballerina wants me. Not yet, baby, let’s see what makes you squirm first. My cock will wait. My eyes need to get their fill of seeing her enjoying my touch.
I sit back on my knees and remove my T-shirt. I see the way she takes me in. She zeroes in on my tattoo and sits up to get a closer look. She traces the letters of my sister’s name and it feels odd as I normally wouldn’t allow somebody to touch it, but there is no way I’d tell her to stop. The way she traces the tiny scripted letters, you’d think they were written in braille. She slides her legs from under me and also sits up, mirroring me on her knees. She explores my body with her gaze, and I can’t stop looking back. She touches my chest and runs her delicate fingers down my arms, making everything flex and come to life. We’re not looking away from one another and I don’t reckon I could if I tried.
I slide my hands under her loose top and slowly remove it. I want to look down at her chest. I want to lower my head and give her breasts a taste, and yet I can’t bloody look away from Sara, my Sara. I’m fully aware that I keep calling her mine in my head, but nobody can hear me and she is mine, for right now.
“Listen To Your Heart” by Roxette
I feel beautiful when he won’t look away from me. For the first time in my life, I feel like the only girl in somebody’s world, which is preposterous, since I’m sure he wishes I were Emily. I don’t blame him; I wish I were Emily half the time, too. When Jeff and I make love, or fuck or whatever it is we’ve been doing for years, I never see his eyes open and it’s almost always dark. Liam hasn’t looked away from me or closed his eyes once and I’m turned on without him even touching me. My head is telling me how stupid I am, but I won’t listen. I’ve listened to my head for fifteen years. If I had listened to my weak, worthless heart, I wouldn’t be here today. I wouldn’t have let the only man I’ve ever loved agree to do what’s right and fair in the eyes of society. I would’ve been selfish and demanded things that my immature, helpless heart couldn’t ask for back then. Is it too much to want to be loved above all others, above reason, above common sense, and above what’s expected? Shouldn’t every girl be with someone who only wants to be with her?
I need Mr. Knight in Shining Armor to keep looking at me as if I really am the only girl in the world. Because right here, right now, it’s just us. This will be exactly what we both need; I will help him get over Emily and leave the Bruels alone and he will help me walk away from JJ, for good.
As much as I try, I can’t turn off my ‘80s linguistic talent, as it’s the only way I know how to communicate my daft feelings. I can’t help that I have Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” playing in the back of my mind, and I can’t help but smile to myself as I think of Liam having no idea that I can break down our whole ridiculous superficial relationship in just a few song lyrics.
“What’s so funny, beautiful?” he asks, placing his hands on my ass and pulling me close, right into his hardness. “I hope you’re not taking a piss at me again. Tell me what’s so comical, I may fancy a laugh, too.”
“Relax, I’m not laughing at you. Trust me, it’s something you wouldn’t understand. It’s just a personal joke,” I say, trying to find his lips to calm him down and shut him up.
He dodges my lips and lowers his head to my exposed chest, giving my nipple a lick. I watch him watching me as he begins to swirl his tongue ‘round and ‘round before closing his lips and sucking my nipple. I feel the flood gates open as my body starts to tremble. I’m aroused like never before. This is really happening! This is really happening! I’m letting someone other than Jeff touch me and I’m happy and sad all at once. This is it, after today, I won’t belong to JJ anymore. I’m about to break our spell—or our curse, depending on how you look at it—and my mind is still trying to understand if I’ve won or lost.
“Tell me what’s so bloody funny and I’ll let you keep this tasty nipple,” he says with his mouth full, still expertly sucking my bud and causing my pussy to violently throb. “It’s very sweet, my teeth are itching to bite down.”
I take hold of his hair and struggle to guide him back up to my lips. I should just tell him a song, he won’t know what it means anyway, and we can go back to fucking the past out of each other.
“‘Listen To Your Heart’ by Roxette,” I say, knowing that Emily and I are the only ones privy to our secret ‘80s lingo. I start to laugh even harder at how silly this must sound to him.
He watches me lose it right in front of him—I’m a stupid fool who cracks up at her own jokes. He finally lets go of my poor nipple and we’re face to face again. He slips his hands into my hair and then lowers his head down to my ear to whisper, “‘When I See You Smile’ by Bad English.”
His statement stops me cold and sends chills up and down my half-naked body. I can’t laugh anymore and I think I may have forgotten how to breathe. Honestly, I’m not even sure if this is a hallucination or if Liam has, in fact, just answered me back with a song. I push away to look at him and his impossible smirk, and those knowing blue eyes that are becoming incredibly familiar with every passing minute, and it’s just all too fast, too much. My head doesn’t believe he just said that to me, yet my heart does because it stopped beating. The world stopped spinning and I know for sure that all bets are off.
“Englishman In New York” by Sting
I recall Emily naming off all these songs from the ‘80s while she was three sheets to the wind. I fancy some of those songs; I recall my mum playing them by the pool and Isa singing along. Emily even wrote a page full of songs and asked me to study and use them based on their lyrical meaning instead of words to tell her how I feel. We were so zonked that it was nonsensical. I’ll never for
get her reaction to me using those old corny songs during our conversations that night, quite hysterical. She asked if I fancy any of the songs on her cheat sheet and I pointed to one I recalled from childhood, which made her squeal and start jumping on the bed like a child. She said it was her best mate’s favorite song and she then went on to sing it for me as if she were Beyoncé on stage giving the performance of her life. That was the moment she shed the remainder of her clothing and started her full monty ‘80s concert. I was gobsmacked; seeing her beautiful blond hair and knockers bouncing up and down while she sang happily was epic.
But now, Sara also mentions some song from the ‘80s and I answer her back like Emily taught me, and her reaction to my song choice is brilliant. Everything begins to happen at lightning speed; she pushes me down on the bed and kisses me like an animal. It’s not like before, this is intense and rough and it’s incredible. Her breathing is hard and the look in her eyes reveals a pure, desperate need, a kind of longing that’s strangling me and driving me mad. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this wanted or needed by another human being. I plan on giving her everything she wants; I understand what she needs and I don’t know what more I can do to get closer to her.
We’re full-on getting off and she is already working on my trousers. I can hardly wait to feel those delicate, soft hands of hers wrapped around my dick. I hope she pulls hard, squeezes me tight, and strokes me to fucking happiness. The sounds she makes should be illegal. Oh fuck, she just slipped her hand into my pants. When her fingers finally make contact with my cock, she must see something in my eyes that tells her she just bloody sent me to heaven.
Lies In Rewind Page 13