Lies In Rewind

by Tali Alexander

  I’m euphoric; I don’t even fear that her eyes are almost fully closed, since it’s my name falling out of her lips.

  “Liam…stop…I…can’t…please,” she begs, still trembling from the first earthquake.

  But she needs more! I stop eating her for a bit as I insert another finger. I feel her constrict and squeeze me from inside. Oh fucking brilliant. I try to take my time, but I need my dick inside her tight pussy now or I’ll bloody croak. I climb up her body to start sucking those tits that require my attention. Does she know how incredible she is? She looks at me with disbelief as if she can’t believe we’re doing this. I nod my head, we’re bloody doing this, baby, and she smiles; eye contact is all we require to communicate.

  “Are you happy, Sara?” I ask between lapping her tits and harshly finger thrusting her.

  “Very,” she replies breathlessly with a naughty smile.

  “Ace, but I will make you happier,” I promise and have every intention of making her smile until she gets taken away from me…like they all do.

  “Love Is A Battlefield” by Pat Benatar

  “I need to be inside you and…I don’t have anything resembling a rubber johnny on me! Please kindly explain to me how I’m going to survive if you tell me you’re not on a tablet,” he says in all seriousness, letting go of my sore nipple but still pumping his fingers roughly into me.

  “I’m not on the pill,” I declare, watching the horror spread across his face. “I’ve only slept with one man in my whole life and he’s clean, but—” I state, knowing that Jeffery gets regular checkups and is, in fact, clean. “I’m sure you can’t make that same claim and I don’t know you enough to let you inside me without a condom.”

  He abruptly pauses finger fucking me and by the disappointed look in his eyes, I think I’ve just killed our moment and destroyed him. The truth is, I’m more worried about getting knocked up than anything else. I can’t take care of myself, let alone another human. I actually have an emergency condom in my bag but I wanna have some fun with him and let him sweat a little first. Let’s see how resourceful Liam Knight is when faced with a naked, willing girl, but no condom in sight.

  “That’s okay, love, as long as we make you happy I’ll explain the situation to Richard and promise him an encore with Kitty some other time,” he announces with an eye roll and a smile removing his drenched fingers, he spreads my wetness around my sensitive nipples and immediately sucks them clean.

  “I think you’re trying to kill me.” I say as I feel another spasm sprouting thanks to his expert suckling technique.

  “This is nothing compared to what Richard and I plan to do to you and kitty. Everything about you drives me mad. I reckon we may both need a good will because we may just kill each other,” he declares with a grin.

  “Did you just call your dick Richard and my vagina Kitty, again?” I ask holding back a smile.

  “Perhaps,” he mumbles, making me want to burst and kiss every inch of his face.

  “I have a condom,” I declare, giving him a quick peck on his pouty lips. Did he really think I’d let him walk out of this room today without me feeling that magnificent Richard inside of me? “It has your name on it,” I add with a wink.

  “Sara, you should know that Richard and I are very close to asking for your hand.” We both erupt into hysterical laughter. It’s been a fucking roller coaster today: laughing, crying, hating, liking, and if I’m honest, slowly but surely falling for this sweet guy.

  “I hope I get to pick my ring out. But you should know I’m not the marrying type,” I say, still cracking up, only to see he’s not laughing anymore.

  “Why do you say such rubbish?” Liam asks me. And I honestly don’t even know why I just said that. It was a joke. I don’t even notice my negative sarcasm; it’s just who I am and how I deal with my truths. I shake my head, not knowing how to answer him. “I’d marry you. Please don’t say awful rubbish about the woman I and every other bloke in New York would be fortunate to call his wife.” He lowers his head to kiss me.

  Did he really just say that? I do want him to be mine. I want to stand on top of this building and scream to anyone who hears me that this beautiful man should be mine. I don’t want secrets. I don’t want lies. I want Liam Knight! What do I need to do to make sure he’s mine?

  I miss his fingers inside me, as if that’s where they belong. I never want him to take them out. If his Richard feels half as good as his fingers did, I’ll never let him go.

  “Where can I find that Jimmy you spoke of?” he asks, in reference to the promised prized condom.

  “It’s in my bedroom. I’ll go get it.” I start to get up.

  “Stay; don’t move. I’ll go fetch it,” he says, and then whispers, “Keep pumping for me, and I’ll suck your cum off your digits when I come back.”

  I nod frantically, thinking, Yes, Sir. I hope he knows that I’d probably do anything he’d ask of me.

  He walks out of the room and I suddenly have a sobering moment of clarity and a cold chill runs up and down my body. Oh shit! Louis has surveillance cameras in the halls of this penthouse and Liam just walked out of this room stark naked. Fuck! I cringe, thinking of Louis seeing Liam naked. I jump off the bed, stitch-less myself, to go yell after Liam. I don’t make it very far before slamming into a solid form as I exit the room; I fall backward from the impact and look up to see Jeffery looking down at me. He looks confused and angry and I think I’m about to faint. This must be a dream; this can’t be happening, I reason to myself as I hear Jeff and Liam yelling somewhere in the far distance of my mind.

  I slowly open my eyes, confused. Was it all a dream? I see a white sheet around my body and I feel somebody holding me tight. I try and lift my face up when I notice his naked body under me. My face is resting on Isabella’s name tattooed over his heart and I look up to find him smiling down at me… He’s not a dream.

  “You blacked out. Are you all right?” I nod my head. I’ll be all right if you hold me like this forever. “You and I need to leave now; we don’t belong here,” he states.

  “Don’t fucking tell her where she belongs,” I hear Jeff shout. His voice startles me and I almost spring up from Liam’s lap where he has me nestled. I look across the room to see Jeffery pacing, looking disheveled and out of sorts. His hair is a mess, his shirt is untucked, and his tie appears askew. Something happened while I fainted, and when I look back at Liam and see the murderous stare he gives Jeff, I know it wasn’t good.

  “I’ll tell her what I bloody please,” Liam replies, sounding nothing like himself.

  “Do you even know who I am?” Jeff barks out as he comes our way. I can feel Liam’s muscles contract and tense underneath me.

  “I know more than you’ll ever know. I know you’re responsible for all her suffering. I know she’s had the misfortune of knowing you for far too long. I know you’re a dirty wanker that leaves her in the middle of the night. I know your sort and I know you don’t deserve to ever utter her name. Whatever hold you think you have on her is over, because she’s not alone anymore. It’s best you leave her alone or I’ll bury you.”

  I listen to all the things that this stranger I’ve only met today, the one I’m certain I’ve accidentally fallen in love with, says. I hear the things that yesterday I would’ve given my own life to hear come out of Jeff’s mouth. And yet, as Liam speaks them, I am thankful they’re coming from him and nobody else. I should look at Jeff, I should plead for him to leave, and yet I can’t take my eyes off Liam, nor does he take his off me. It’s a spell. It’s like all the bullshit has lifted and I see a future covered in truth and happiness and unconditional love. The person I love loves me back enough to choose me and no one else, whatever the consequences. Liam just chose me and I choose him.

  I’m brought out of my daze by the sound of Jeff laughing. I tear my gaze from Liam’s to see Jeff shaking his head, and I know my bubble is about to burst with his next words. Liam fired the first shot and nothing can stop the war no
w.

  “I Ran” by A Flock of Seagulls

  She finally comes around and I can’t tell how long I’ve held her in my arms like a helpless, sleeping child. I care so much about her and my heart hasn’t stopped trying to climb out of my chest since I saw her collapse. I thought he hit her. I was ready to kill him. I was going to kill him if I didn’t have the cathartic need to hold on to her and make sure she was all right. My beautiful ballerina lay broken on the floor thanks to him. I don’t think it’s possible for me to let her go anymore. Even if she begs me, I don’t suppose I could leave her.

  How can I not have a life with her? I can give Sara a life, a bloody good life, and she can be my reason for getting up every morning. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Finding someone to love who loves you back? Isn’t that what Isa wanted from Louis? Isn’t that what Emily feared she’d lost? This despicable excuse for a man thinks he has claim to her. She’s mine! I went through hell to find her and I’ll go through hell to keep her and make her happy.

  This worthless stag has been pacing the room like a caged animal. He won’t leave until she tells him to beat it. She needs to be strong enough to tell him to go scratch and leave us. God, I promise I’ll be good to her. All she needs to do is choose me, please let her choose anything but him.

  He laughs like a deranged clown and I see the fear in his eyes at the realization that he’s lost her.

  “Oh, that’s beautiful, dude. It must be nice living inside your delusional head. Did Sara also tell you that I’m the only one she’s ever had inside her? I’m her first and last everything! Did she tell you she and I are indefinitely engaged? Did she tell you about our children?”

  My ears ring deafly, the room starts to blur, and my last gulp of air is lodged in my chest. He’s still talking but I can’t hear a single word that comes out of his mouth. I look down at my broken ballerina, perfectly nestled in my arms, and she’s not looking at me anymore. Her eyes are closed and I see the tears running down her cheeks, feeling their warmth as they spill on my chest, and that’s enough. We don’t need words. I close my eyes and force a bloody smile, imploring my fake grin to make my own tears disappear. It’s all I need to know; she’s not my broken ballerina, she’s his.

  I kiss the top of her head and stand up with her in my arms. I make a pledge to never look into those eyes again; they don’t belong to me. Jeffery Rossi is now seated on the bed, looking pleased with himself, no doubt recognizing the carnage he just caused and enjoying his victory. I look behind him at the bed he’s occupying, the bed that only moments—or maybe it was ages—ago held so much promise. I walk a few painful steps over to him and lay her in his arms where she belongs, handing over to him my little crumb of hope. I won’t look at her or him.

  I always lose. Why should this be any different? I find my trousers and dress myself as fast as my pride will allow. I won’t look at him holding her, I won’t. Life is just a handful of moments like this that remind you of how alone you really are.

  I walk out of the room as I slowly allow the noise to filter back into my head. Sara cries and calls after me while Jeffery yells at her to calm down. I just need to bloody get myself far away from here and her, before whatever is left of me breaks down. What’s left of me is just an empty shell that needs to go home to die in dignity. My body is leaving her but my heart is already long gone.

  I walk out of our room, the room that she and I would have made love in, the room that would have given us a future, and I feel numb. I know there is nothing left of my heart anymore. I walk out and head towards the staircase. I take one more look towards the room where I left my pride and see Louis and Emily sitting on the floor by the door watching me run away. I whisper, “I’m sorry” to Emily as she shakes her head with tears rolling down her face. I don’t care anymore; both those birds are not mine, and I just keep running.

  “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper

  Why won’t he look at me? He doesn’t understand. I haven’t told him everything yet. “Liam!” I try to make him look at me. “Liam, please let me explain!” I say over and over as he stands with his back to me and gets dressed. “Liam, please look at me,” I beg like a child. But I don’t think he can hear me. It’s as if he turned some switch off. Jeff holds me in his arms and won’t let me move. I try to free myself, I want to run to him, hold on to him. I need to tell him everything. He can’t think that I lied to him.

  “Baby, please calm down. Let him go. You don’t need him, I’m here,” Jeffery whispers down at me.

  Of course I need him; I don’t need anybody but him. I replay the whole scene that just took place. I haven’t stopped yelling and crying out for Liam to come back for me, to look at me. He promised to be my friend. He promised to help me get through this and he just fucking left. He walked out the door and didn’t even look at me. He didn’t say goodbye—he just ran away. My heart aches; my poor, stupid heart breaks into pieces that have left my body and are now halfway down the street running after him. If Jeff would just let go of me, I’d run down the street with all the scattered pieces of my heart to try and explain everything. I’m hysterical as I fight and yell, but nothing’s happening. I’m still in Jeffery’s arms where I always end up.

  In the end, karma always wins, and I always get what I deserve; I get nothing. I’m too weak to keep fighting and yelling. I have no one to be angry with but myself. I did this! I made my bed and I shall die in it. The only reason I haven’t run away from all the lies and this place I once believed was home is because of them. I just exist for them! I see them almost every day as they go to school. Jeff sends me pictures and I trick my mind into thinking I’m a part of their world. I haven’t missed a single milestone and yet they wouldn’t know who I was if they passed me on the street. They don’t know I’m their mother, but I know they’re mine. My matter and his matter made them and they will always be ours, whether or not they or anybody else knows the truth. In my heart and in my bones, they’re mine. Nobody can take that away from me.

  “Sara, baby, who was he?” Jeffery finally asks once my fucking tears decide to stop, because they’re not stupid like me, they understand it’s too late.

  “He was nothing,” I say, trying to convince myself and Jeff simultaneously of yet another lie. He really was nothing. He was probably just using me to get closer to the Bruels. Right? Right, Sara? And yet it hurts so much, it hurts like a thousand knives and a thousand bullets. It hurts like everything else that I get only a little taste of before it gets ripped away from me.

  “Did you let him fuck you?” Jeff asks, and his question actually makes me laugh. It somehow sounds absurd.

  “No, we didn’t fuck!” I answer, not sure if that’s good or bad. I don’t think that having sex with Liam would be classified as “fucking” even if fate did let us have a few more moments together. When we were together, I saw hope, I almost tasted it, and now I’m back to my reality. I should’ve known no one would ever choose me when given the chance.

  “Why did you tell him about the kids? You never call your children our kids. Why now?” I ask, as I finally look him in the eye. “We promised never to speak of this. You made me sign papers to make sure I never change my mind or say a word. So why disclose it to a stranger?” I feel a cold chill envelop my body even though I’m fully covered and Jeff still holds me tightly.

  “He didn’t look like nothing, judging from the way you were looking at him. He and you looked like something. I can’t lose you again. When I found out you got married, I couldn’t go on with my life. I hated Jacqueline and everything she stood for. I hated not being able to see you every day and love you. I couldn’t even look at the twins. Sometimes, they look just like you. If only things were different. I love you, Sara,” he says with tears running down his face, a face I know better than my own.

  I hold my wrists flush against my heart like I always do. He’s the only one who knows that the names of our children are tattooed in white ink on the inside of my wrists. Their beautiful names
were the only thing I gave them. I didn’t carry them in my empty womb! I didn’t give birth to them! I was just the donor, the anonymous facilitator to bring about their existence. I just happen to know and love their father with everything I have and all that I am.

  He takes my wrists in his hands and brings them to his lips. He kisses first one and then the other. If their names weren’t there, I’d probably have slashed my wrists many moons ago. I stay alive for them, just in case they’ll ever need me.

  “If only things were different, we would have had such a beautiful life, baby. We would raise our family the way we’ve always imagined and talked about. I would go to bed and wake up with you every morning. God, I love you,” he cries out, kissing the inside of my wrists over and over.

  We’re both quiet, no doubt wishing our what ifs were real, when we hear a loud sound outside the room. At first, I’m startled, but then I let myself believe that it’s Liam and hope blooms inside me once again as my heart starts to beat with purpose. He must’ve come back for me, I think foolishly. A minute later, I see Louis Bruel filling the doorway, holding his wife in his arms. My best friend is crying like a baby. He looks at me and in this moment, I know exactly what I’ve done. I know exactly why she’s crying; I did this, too.

  “If I Could Turn Back Time” by Cher

  “Em, why don’t I leave you to talk to Sara while I go have a word with Jeff,” Louis says to his beautiful wife, whom I don’t deserve to know, let alone call my best friend. She shakes her head, still sobbing and holding on to him for dear life. “Shhh…that’s your best friend, little girl. She needs you, she’s hurting, too, baby. You know you can’t assume anything until she tells you the truth herself,” he says, proving that I don’t deserve to know him, either.