by Twyla Turner
Doing everything in her power, to keep her mind off of cutting, Lexi was meticulous in her attention to detail. She put her every emotion, into each brush stroke. It was the most detailed painting that she had ever done. And when she was finished late into the evening, with her eyes heavy-lidded, dry and bloodshot from emotions and lack of sleep. She knew even with her biased eye that it was the best painting she had ever done. Just looking at it, dredged up a million emotions in her.
Exhausted, Lexi had to pull out the last of her energy, to clean her brushes. She left the canvas on the easel, to dry overnight and dragged her feet up the stairs. Still covered in paint and fully dress, she collapsed on her bed and was out before her head even hit the pillow.
~~~
Lexi fidgeted in the waiting room chair, as she waited for Dr. Mills to finish with her current patient. The nice receptionist gave her encouraging looks every now and again. Lexi could tell that the receptionist had been the one she spoke to the day before. Especially, because of the way she talked to her very gently like she would break any minute. And how she continued to look over Lexi’s body, trying to find the evidence of any cuts, on her person.
She had wanted to make a good first impression, but still be herself. So Lexi had chosen to wear her, white off-the-shoulder Spanish-style peasant dress, with colorful strappy flat sandals, and a bright multi-colored scarf, tied around her head, pushing her afro off of her face. Though she didn’t wear any makeup, for fear of it streaming down her face, if she lost it. And the next moment, proved she was probably right.
The door to Dr. Mills’ office opened, and Lexi looked up to see a woman walking out, wiping her eyes with a tissue. Lexi’s eyes widened in trepidation, not ready for the emotional turmoil baring her soul, would more than likely bring. She had been to a therapist before when she was a kid, and though she had steered her towards painting, she was still nervous. She was always waiting for the doctor to stamp, ‘Bat Shit Crazy’, on her medical records. If they cart me out strapped to a stretcher, I wonder if I can request a hot pink straightjacket?
The sweet looking doctor followed the woman out of the office and said some comforting words to her before she left the office. She then turned to Lexi, and smile brightly at her, and she motioned to the door.
“Hello. Ms. Bolden, right?” She asked.
“Lexi. You can call me Lexi.” She said, hesitantly, as she rose from the chair on shaky legs.
“Alright, Lexi it is. Come on in.” Dr. Mills held the door open for her, as she walked in. “Have a seat.”
Lexi sat on the super comfy couch, and the doctor explained how the first session, and all others would go, in the future. Then she asked her to begin, whenever she was ready. But Lexi drew a blank, as to what to say.
“I honestly don’t even know where to begin. So much has happened, recently.” Lexi admitted.
“Well, Melanie, my receptionist mentioned, that you told her that you cut and that you were tempted to cut yesterday. So how about you start there. Why did you want to cut?” The doctor asked, trying to help her get the ball rolling.
“Because it would be easier to deal with, than the pain I’m feeling now,” Lexi said, sadly.
“And what pain is that?” Dr. Mills coaxed.
“The man I was dating, ended it with me. He’s the first man I’ve ever really loved. All the men of my past, including my father, were abusive, and he showed me what love is supposed to be like.” Lexi said, the inevitable tears, welling up in her eyes. “And it wouldn’t be so bad that it’s over if neither one of us wanted to be together. But I still love him, and I’m pretty sure he still loves me.” Lexi said, ending on a hiccup.
“Then why would he end the relationship? Are outside people causing the breach, in your relationship?” Dr. Mills asked, handing Lexi a tissue.
“No. No, there isn’t anyone trying to sabotage us or anything. Basically, he had a flashback in a dream. He suffers from PTSD, after the war.” Lexi prefaced, before continuing. “And he accidentally choked me, in his sleep. Now he doesn’t trust himself around me and feels guilty for something he didn’t even have control over.”
“Have you tried to talk to him about it?” The doctor asked.
“Yes. But he refused to even try.” Lexi sighed.
“Alright. We’ll work on figuring out how you both can come together, to work on your relationship, a little later. But for now, I want to focus on you, and your well-being. Were you able to resist cutting, last night?” She asked, gently.
“Yeah.”
“How did you manage?” She asked, curiously.
“I paint. I used to go to a therapist when I was a kid. And she suggested painting, as an outlet to get out my pain, instead of cutting. But sometimes, it feels like painting isn’t enough. So that’s why I searched for a therapist to talk to, last night.” Lexi explained her plight.
“Well, I’m glad you did. So I know this might be a crazy suggestion. But you know how people will put a rubber band around their wrist, and snap it, every time they have a craving for a cigarette, or food, or something like that?” Dr. Mills asked.
“Yeah,” Lexi said, with a frown.
“Well since you like to fight pain with pain, maybe the rubber band method, will work for you, where it might not others. It’s at least worth a try. And it’s better than, self-mutilation.” The doctor suggested.
“I guess you have a point.” Lexi agreed.
Dr. Mills asked Lexi more questions, trying to delve deeper, into the history of why she cut. That conversation quickly ran through the rest of the session. The tragedy of her parents’ demise, wasn’t something that could be covered in one session.
Lexi dabbed at her eyes with another tissue, as they both stood up to walk out of the office. She was on her third tissue, by that point, and she sadly shook her head, as she realized that she was that clichéd weepy person, leaving the therapist’s office.
She turned the knob, and stepped out into the waiting area, and turned back to say her farewells to Dr. Mills, when she heard a familiar voice, whisper her name.
“Alexis.” A deep masculine voice breathed.
Lexi’s head whipped around, to where the sound of her name had come from. And standing up from one of the waiting room chairs, was the love of her life. She drank in his tall, lean muscular frame, in jeans, a t-shirt, and his work boots. She realized, he must have come straight from work. His dear face, was as beautiful as ever, even if he looked a little gaunt, from lack of sleep and food. And his silvery-blue eyes, drank her in, as she stood before him.
“Sloan,” Lexi whispered, her breathy voice mirrored his.
Seeing him again, stole her breath away. She was finding it hard to breath. Her heart roared in her ears. And her hands clenched at her sides, wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch him.
Dr. Mills and Melanie watched as the two people stood quietly, staring at each other as if in a trance. Dr. Mills knew, the second she looked at their faces, that Sloan was the man that Lexi had mentioned, and that Lexi was the ‘her’, Sloan had eluded to in his first session. The naked love, undeniable attraction and devastating hurt, was so palpable between the two, that it made her own heart hurt, to watch them.
It had been weeks since Sloan had seen Lexi. And her stunning face, was like a soothing balm, to his fractured heart. But at the same time, it also felt like a blade sliced through his heart when it hit him that he couldn’t have her. His hands were balled into tight fists at his sides. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms, and hold on and never let her go again. He nearly stepped forward, but then Dr. Mills cleared her throat. And the spell that had enveloped them, finally broke.
Lexi blinked her eyes, as she came out of her haze and stopped herself from stepping forward. “I-I’m glad you f-finally found help.” Lexi stuttered out, for lack of anything better to say. She really wanted to say, ‘I’m glad you finally found help so that you can come back to me.’
Sloan cleared his
clogged throat, before speaking softly. “Yeah. You too.” He said, his voice coming out gravelly, with emotion.
“I-” Lexi began.
“Don’t.” Sloan interrupted her. “Don’t say it. Let’s not say what we’re feeling, right now. We should just leave it at knowing that we’re both getting the help we need.” Sloan rationalized.
“But what better place than this, to say what we feel!” Lexi pleaded, with her hands raised in supplication.
“I said, I can’t.” Sloan looked away, moving to walk into Dr. Mills’ office.
Lexi reached out and grasped his arm. Electricity radiated through their bodies, and she dropped his arm quickly, in shock.
“Why are you punishing me, for what happened?” Lexi asked, her voice filled with heartache.
“I’m sorry. I have no intentions of punishing you. I made a promise to you. I told you that I would never hurt you, that you could trust me. And I broke that promise. And that’s something that I don’t take lightly. You’re trying to work through your own shit. You don’t need mine, too. I’m not good for you. I won’t hurt you like that again.” Sloan started to walk into the office, and he paused at the threshold. Without looking at her, he said two final words that nearly sent her to her knees. “Goodbye, Alexis.” The words, like the final nail in the coffin, putting their relationship to rest.
Lexi choked, trying to hold back her tears. “But don’t you see? You are hurting me.” She whispered back to him, but he had already walked away.
Lexi turned and ran out of the building, the doctor and receptionist, watched as she fled. Their hearts, filled with sympathy. Dr. Mills looked at Melanie, knowing that she was a sap for sad stories. And sure enough, the receptionist was dabbing at her eyes, with a tissue. The doctor shook her head, closed the door to the office, and turned to look at the broken man on her couch. And Sloan looked up at her, with watery eyes.
“I’m ready to talk about her now,” Sloan stated gruffly.
“I would imagine so.”
Chapter 6
Need You Now
The next few weeks, Lexi became a hermit. She ignored calls and texts from Bianca, Dom, Dr. Mills’ office and clients that had commissioned her for paintings. She did little more than, sleep. She ate, only when her hunger pains became too much. Even then, she couldn’t eat much. And she bathed, only when she started to offend herself. Which it was pretty hard to offend someone who didn’t care much about anything, at the moment. So she knew, she must have been pretty rank.
Miraculously, she didn’t cut. She didn’t even have the energy, to cut. Though she did have several welts, and swollen wrists, from snapping the rubber bands around her wrists. It had even reached a point, where she was snapping them almost as a nervous tick.
She was lying on the couch Saturday afternoon, half watching some mindless action movie that was on TV. And she was absentmindedly, snapping one of the rubber bands on her wrist when the doorbell rang. She didn’t even look up at the door. She just continued to lie there, snapping the band. She could care less, who was at the door.
“Lexi! I know you’re in there. I see a car in the driveway.” She heard Dom’s voice, yelling from the other side of the door.
Lexi made no move to get up and open the door. And a few moments later, she heard tapping on glass. She looked up to see Dom looking at her, through the living room picture window.
“I can see you, you know?” Dom said, giving her an exasperated look.
Lexi sighed heavily, and finally pulled herself off the couch, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to ignore the tenacious woman, any longer. She’d probably camp out on my front step until I opened the damn door.
She walked over to the door and opened it, reluctantly. Dom as always, was dressed to the nines. She had on a white pencil skirt, with a cute short button up, sunny yellow blouse and matching yellow heels. Lexi inwardly cringed, at the sharply dressed woman. Lexi was wearing her most grungy pair of yoga pants and a ratty tank top. And her afro was matted to her head, which looked like a tangled rat’s nest since she washed it even less than she washed her body.
She fidgeted, wanting to adjust her clothing and fluff out her hair, but she knew it was no use. She was a hot mess. She knew it. And from the look on her face, Lexi could see that Dom knew it, too.
“Lexi, what’s going on with you? Why haven’t you answered my calls or texts? Where’s your Mustang? And why do you look like a homeless person?” Dom asked, in alarm.
“It’s nothing.” Lexi waved away her concern.
“Where’s Sloan, and that beast of a dog?” Dom persisted.
“He broke up with me and moved out. Happy?” Lexi blurted out, angrily.
“Oh Lexi, I’m so, sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.” Dom apologized and then paused for a few beats. “Okay, yes I meant to pry. But I definitely didn’t mean to upset you. How are you holding up?” She paused one more time, before continuing. “Dumb question. Of course, you’re not doing well. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t think you’ve got that kind of time. To tell you some of it, means I have to tell you all of it. And that’s more baggage than a commercial airline, sees in an entire year.” Lexi said, as she walked over to the couch and flopped down.
“I’ve got nothing but time, for a friend.” Dom offered, sweetly.
“Are you hungry? This may take some time, so I might as well fix something to eat while I’m at it.” Lexi suggested.
“I actually had lunch with Tony already,” Dom informed her.
“Well then, how about a drink. Getting drunk would be better than eating anyway. And trust me, you’ll need it.” Lexi said, with a raised brow.
“Alright. I’m game.” Dom said, kicking off her heels, settling in for a long afternoon.
As Lexi fixed the first, of a long line of drinks, she started with the story of her parents, moving to her self-mutilation, therapy and finding her love of painting. Then she told Dom about her abusive boyfriends, the last time Eric put her in the hospital, the trial against him and her move to Savannah. Continuing, on to more current events. Lexi told her about how she and Sloan met, his PTSD from the war, and how they helped heal each other. And last, she explained how Eric had found her, harassed and attacked her. How she killed him, and the subsequent nightmare that Sloan had, where he nearly choked her to death. And she ended on the horrible meeting, in the psychiatrist’s office.
By the time she was done, they were wrapped in a nice fuzzy buzz. The alcohol, doing a good job of softening the blows that her story dealt out. But even still, Dom’s mouth was gaping open in shock, as Lexi ended her story. Dom tried hard to focus on Lexi’s face, as she swayed slightly in her chair, at the kitchen table.
“Wow! You’re one bad bitch!” Dom slurred, uncharacteristically cursing. “Lexi, that’s more than any one person should have to deal with, in a lifetime. You have to be the strongest woman I’ve ever met.” Dom said, with a slight lisp.
“Ha! Strong? I don’t think so. I haven’t showered in 4 days!” Lexi drunkenly waved her hand at Dom. “That’s not strong. That’s smelly.
“Well…not to be morbid, but so many people would have killed themselves. But you didn’t. You’re still here and have made a nice life for yourself here.” Dom reasoned.
“No, I didn’t kill myself, but I sure did carve into my body like a freakin’ Christmas ham.” Lexi shook her head, trying to clear the haze, in her alcohol clouded mind. “Do you see my wrists? I’ve been popping myself with rubber bands, just to keep myself from cutting.” Lexi held up her wrists, to show Dom.
“But at least you’re trying. You’ve made a new life for yourself. You have a new career. You’re trying not to cut. And you’re even going to see a therapist again. That’s progress to me.” Dom encouraged.
“Yeah, I guess. Though, I haven’t been back to see Dr. Mills. Her office has tried calling me, but I’ve avoided her calls. I can’t risk running into Sloan again. It was too painful the first time.” L
exi slurred, before laying her head on the table.
“Well, how about you get cleaned up, and start working on the paintings you were commissioned for? Start doing what you love again, and things will start to get better. I guarantee it!” Dom shouted out and slammed her fist on the table.
“You’re drunk.” Lexi giggled.
“Child! Like you ain’t!” Dom laughed back.
“Eh! Maybe a little.” Lexi agreed.
“I think I need to call Tony and tell him to come pick me up,” Dom mumbled, rummaging through her purse for her phone, to call her husband.
Dom spoke briefly with her husband while Lexi listened with half an ear. She was mainly trying to focus on the ‘I Love Yous’ painting on the wall, her and Sloan had created, trying to stop the room from spinning. She heard Dom end the call and looked up expectantly.
“Okay, he’s on his way. Will you be alright, by yourself?” Dom asked, with concern.
“I’ll be fine. I didn’t get into too much trouble before you came over. So I’ll be fine when you leave.” Lexi waved off Dom’s worries.
“But will you go back to the therapist? Or start painting? Or maybe even start bathing again?” Dom asked, slyly.
“Yeah. Yeah. I can’t make any promises about the therapist, but I will get in the shower, and I will start painting.” Lexi conceded.
“Good. Because Aaron has been bugging the crap outta me, about the work you’re supposed to be doing for him. So please call him, so he’ll get off my back.” Dom begged.
“I will. I promise.”
They talked for a little while longer, and then Lexi walked Dom to the door when Tony arrived. They hugged briefly, and Dom whispered in her ear.
“You’ll be alright. But honey, please take a shower. Your hair is starting to smell like something lives in there.” Dom joked, as she pulled back, and gently rubbed Lexi’s shoulders.