by Melanie Ting
“Ahhhh.” Sophie nodded. “Well, that might be my fault. I know I hurt you, Leo. I hope you can move past that someday. You’ve always been so... chimérique.”
She used a word which was hard to translate, but it was how I used to be. Young, idealistic, and foolish. Pretty much the opposite of what Jackie said last night. Perhaps it was a part of myself that I’d locked away for protection.
One thing at a time.
“So, will you think about living here? Near me? And maybe I could have Charlotte here on alternate weekends whenever I’m home, and one evening a week.” Like Hannah and Tristan.
“I’ll think about it and discuss it with Wes. Much depends on my immigration status and if I can work in the U.S.”
Sophie was back to business now. For a brief moment, we were back to being two crazy kids, so much in love, and blessed with a beautiful baby. But we’d never discussed so many things. I’d assumed that she understood what my coaching career would entail, and she’d assumed that I valued her career equally.
“Do you think if we talked more, we could have made it work?” I asked.
She smiled. “You’re such a romantic, Leo.”
That wasn’t really an answer. It didn’t matter anyhow. We’d created Charlotte, and that was enough.
33
Never Say Never Again
Jackie
“Fuuuuck. Are those rat droppings?”
Sharon and I looked down at the worn floorboards.
“Maybe someone was eating raisins?” I suggested.
We were looking at yet another potential candidate for our flipping project. This was a former rooming house in Strathcona. It had been chopped up into a maze of rooms, and the main decorating theme was post-apocalypse.
She hooted. “Now I’m never eating raisins again. Seriously, Jackie, you are as optimistic as fuck. I’ve never been through houses with anyone like you. All I can see is the work that we’re going to need to bring the place up to code.”
“But there’s so much potential.” I said. I’d always been able to visualize how things could be. I didn’t know if it was a gift or a curse. “If we opened up these walls, you’d have a wonderful open concept living/dining room.”
Sharon trudged over and knocked on the wall. “Yeah, it sounds a little hollow, like this was added later.”
“And there’s a nice back yard with that beautiful maple. Put a patio and some plants in and add sliding doors in the kitchen to let some light in.”
“Ka-ching. I’ll have to cost out all your ideas. Look at these floors, Jackie. They’re so damaged. They’re a gorgeous fir, but it looks like someone drove a rototiller through here. I think we’re better off with the place we saw in East Van.”
I nodded. That home had been in a lot better shape, and Sharon figured that a lot of the repairs we needed to make were cosmetic. It needed a new kitchen and two new bathrooms, but the house was in good shape and it had a new roof. Besides, if the real estate market did crash—fingers crossed for not—the kids and I could move in instead. We’d be staying in the same neighbourhood.
We thanked Carole for showing us the place, then hopped into Sharon’s truck and drove off.
“How you doing, kiddo?” Sharon asked.
“I’m good. I’m over it,” I told her.
Splitting up with Leo had been rough, but I’d bounced back quickly. It was over a month since I’d walked out of his place, and I’d been busy the whole time. Getting the kids settled into their new home and new school was a big task. And my project with Fiona had started, so I really had zero time to mope or reflect on all the what-ifs. Another good thing was that Amanda’s new condo was delayed, so I didn’t have to work with her and hear all about the Vancouver Vice.
“That’s good. No man is worth more than a week of crying. Brent’s got the kids this weekend, right?”
“Yup. I’m going to work on my paintings for the show.” My art exhibition was coming up. Sharon had rigged up the lighting for my basement studio, and I’d been painting my head off. The only problem was that I kept changing paintings that were supposed to be done.
“Listen, Marco’s having a bbq tonight. You want to come by?” Sharon’s voice was too casual.
“This isn’t a fix-up, is it? I hate that stuff.”
“No, of course not.” She kept her eyes on the road, so I knew she was fibbing.
“C’mon, Sharon.”
“Okay, Jesus, Jackie. You need to go out and have fun. Get back on the horse.”
“Who’s the horse?”
“One of Marco’s friends. Apparently he saw you at my parents’ anniversary party, and he thinks you’re cute.”
“No. Not interested.”
Maybe I was afraid of getting hurt again, or maybe I still thought way too much about Leo at night. I longed to feel the strength of his arms around me again. I missed his confidence and certainty. Still, that was the problem—he was also certain that he didn’t need a real relationship. What would it be like to be so sure of yourself?
“Look, it’ll be a nice dinner. Gina is a good cook. And there will be a bunch of people there, so it’s not one of those obvious fix-ups. If you don’t like him, you don’t even have to talk to him.”
I wasn’t going to like him. How creepy was it when someone had noticed you, and you didn’t even know who he was? “I can remember you telling Marco not to fix me up with his poker buddies. Why the change?”
“Fuck, I don’t know. I guess I’m worried about you. You seem okay on the outside, but your insides aren’t really happy.”
“Like a blissful bladder? Happiness is overrated.”
“Okay, that really doesn’t sound like you. You’re usually all sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows.”
But it was reality. I had a ton of things to be grateful for. Hannah and Tristan had both eased into their new school with barely a ripple. They had new friends, the teachers were great, and I had met some nice parents too. I had the rental house fixed up the way I liked it. Brent’s alimony payments meant that I could manage my part-time jobs and be there when the kids got home. So I was content. Maybe content wasn’t the same as happy, but I couldn’t expect fireworks all the time.
“You were the one who complimented me on waiting for a decent guy instead of going out with anyone who asked,” I said. “I’m going to find someone in my own way.”
“Your own way? The odds of running into another naked guy at work are pretty fucking low. You at least have to try.”
I shook my head. Right now, I didn’t want to go out with anyone who wasn’t a French-Canadian coach of a local AHL team.
Sharon growled. “Okay, here’s your choice: either come to the bbq tonight or sign up for online dating.”
What kind of horrible choice was that?
“Jackie.” Marco wrapped me in a bear hug. “Great that you could come.”
“Thanks for having me,” I replied, instead of the truth: Your sister forced me to be here. As my little rebellion, I hadn’t bothered to fix myself up at all. I was wearing jeans, a white shirt, and zero jewellery. I didn’t look unattractive, but I certainly hadn’t tried hard.
Marco’s girlfriend Gina hugged me too. “Jackie, it’s been so long. Come on in, and I’ll get you a drink.”
We went into the massive kitchen, and I recalled the conversation I’d had with Sharon about why Gina and Marco had never gotten married. Was this what happened if you never had the conversation about what you really wanted? You got to keep playing house. Was Gina happy? She’d never been married or had kids, and now it was probably too late. Was it enough to be Marco’s girlfriend and not even his fiancée?
Maybe I did the right thing by telling Leo how I felt. I had agonized over my big mouth for so long. But it would have been much, much worse to pretend I didn’t love him just to maintain some kind of relationship. To have to make love to someone and never have moments of true tenderness afterwards would be torture. I had a rush of relief. I’d been honest, and th
at was the right thing to do.
“What are you smiling about?” Gina asked. She handed me a wine cooler. I felt a little sorry for her. She shouldn’t have been such a doormat with Marco.
“Oh nothing,” I said. But it was something. Ironically, coming here made me happier for a completely different reason. We went out to the backyard where a raucous game of bocce was going on. It was only men playing, something that Sharon was already complaining about.
As I chatted with Gina, I noticed a man staring at me. He was big and beefy, with gold chains gleaming in his dark chest hair. And I could see this because his shirt was unbuttoned nearly down to his navel. He flashed me a grin and then a slow wink. Damn it, Sharon! This was someone you thought could make me happy?
“Hey, Gina, you got some food over there?” he called out, and then he started walking towards us.
Instinctively, I backed away, only to step on the toes of someone behind me.
“Ouch,” said a low voice. I turned around to see a tall man with reddish brown hair and tortoiseshell-rimmed glasses.
“Oh, I’m so sorry.” I looked over my shoulder and Mr. Goldchains was still advancing. “Could you do me a big favour and pretend you know me?”
“Well, uh, sure.” He agreed, then raised a puzzled eyebrow. “How am I supposed to do that?”
“I don’t know. We could talk and laugh, you know, like old buddies.” I smiled up at him and put a hand on his arm.
“Ha, ha, ha.” His chuckle was totally forced, and we both laughed in response.
“You’d make a horrible spy,” I told him.
“Luckily I’m an accountant, so that’s never been a problem for me.”
“Really? You look like an accountant.”
He sighed. “Story of my life. I wish I looked like a spy. I wonder what a spy even looks like.”
“James Bond, of course.” I took a surreptitious peep over my shoulder and found that Goldie was now talking to Gina. Whew. “Okay, thank you. I think I’m safe now. You can go back to whatever you were doing.”
“What exactly is going on?”
“Ugh. It’s a long story. You know Sharon, right?”
“Sure. Marco’s sister and the terror of the Zennaro family.”
I laughed. “You do know her. Anyway, she forced me to come to this bbq because there’s some creep who wants to be fixed up with me.” I shuddered. “I hate that stuff, and I’m trying to avoid him.”
When I looked back at my new friend, he was blushing furiously.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
His mouth twitched and there was a short silence. “Gotta be straight with you here. It’s me. I’m the creep that wanted to be fixed up with you.”
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I thought it was that man over there, the one with the gold chains.”
He chuckled. “Lou? Sorry, Jackie, but he’s not that into you.” He lowered his voice. “Lou has a little crush on Gina.”
My eyes widened. “What? Marco’s girlfriend?”
He nodded. “He thinks Marco doesn’t appreciate her enough. I don’t think it’s anything real. If she were suddenly available, he’d probably run a mile in the opposite direction.”
That made sense too. There were a lot of men who liked things that were unattainable. But this crush flipped my view of Gina. She had options. I sighed. “Life is complicated.”
“Yeah.”
There was an awkward silence. I had to readjust my thinking about him too. This guy wasn’t unattractive and he seemed nice. And I felt bad about insulting him.
“Can we start again?” I asked.
“Sure,” he replied. “But once again, I’m not quite sure how we do that.”
I held out my hand. “Hi. I’m Jackie Wagner.”
He reached out with a warm, firm grip. “The name’s Bramley. Sid Bramley.”
I laughed loudly. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Sharon watching us with a smug expression on her face.
34
Viceland
Leo
“Holy shit.”
Dave Dominick stopped short in the doorway of the new gym. Because of his size, nobody else could see inside, and jostling began behind him.
“Gentlemen, let’s keep it moving,” I said. But it was exciting to see how the guys were reacting to all our hard work in the offseason. Lucky had identified poor fitness as a problem for the team, so we made the training facilities better. Hopefully, this would mean fewer third period breakdowns.
None of the new invites to training camp thought our gym was a big deal, other than having all new equipment. But that was fine because it meant we were up to the standards of the best AHL teams in the league.
I stood beside Dom and Devo as they looked around. “Big change from last season, right?”
“No shit,” Dom agreed. “It’s good to see the team finally spending some money on us.”
“Game day meals too,” I told him. And the Millionaire’s nutritionist would be giving lectures as well. This season was all about maximizing performance. Controlling variables like nutrition was important, but we still didn’t have money for an open kitchen. But especially for younger guys, learning how to eat properly would set a good foundation. I was emphasizing the basic building blocks this season.
The best thing about working with Lucky was getting involved in so many management decisions. Amanda held regular update meetings that I initially thought were a waste of time. But then I realized that if I presented an idea that management liked, both Amanda and Greg would work hard to finance it. Those meetings were the time when team philosophy met practical applications.
Devo clapped me on the shoulder. “Coach, this is amazing. Guys are gonna kill to be on this team.”
Well, that wasn’t true. We’d invited a few players who turned us down flat. But the Vice were becoming a more appealing destination for sure. And the Millionaire’s roster was almost set now. We’d be getting back Burner, Lepper, and a couple of excellent prospects. Seb Söderlund was a first round draft pick and a nineteen year old from the Swedish Hockey League. The Millionaires would probably call him up during the season, but they also wanted him to bulk up and get a little more North American experience. Henry Lionel was a centreman who was drafted in the third round but had really improved during his college career. Both players were speedy, which was huge for me. I wanted an up-tempo style of play this year. As Lucky said, at least we were going to be entertaining. No more one-nothing losses.
My coaching team was all set too. We’d kept Ian Lee from last season. He was inexperienced, but I wanted to keep a stronger hand on the team’s offence anyway. And my defence coach was someone I’d worked with back in the Q, Bryan Walsh. It felt good to have an old friend here in Vancouver. And it felt even better to have someone here who I could rely upon completely to handle the defensive side of the team.
I stopped by Lucky’s office once I’d met with the other coaches. Amanda was there too.
“It’s all done.” I put the finalized roster on his desk. “Ladies and gentlemen, your new Vancouver Vice.”
“How good are we going to be?” asked Amanda. Both she and Lucky were really set on getting into the playoffs. It was part of their business plan. But the only way to guarantee getting into the playoffs would be spending a lot more money.
“Can’t really tell until we start playing games,” I said.
She made a face at me. “C’mon, Leo. Give me something.”
“We’re much better than last season. I’m still worried about goaltending though.” Everything depended on injuries and call-ups. If the Millionaires took away our best players it would be harder. But I was reassured by the depth at our ECHL affiliate. Those were the guys that we could call up if needed, both defence and forwards. Our goaltender was decent, but we had zero depth in back-ups.
Amanda was looking over the roster. “A job well done, gentlemen. How about we go out to dinner? I’m paying,” she offered.
“Sounds
good to me,” Lucky said. “If you’re paying, I’m choosing someplace expensive. I’m jones-ing for seafood.”
She swatted at him and laughed. “Okay, let’s go then. Can Jackie join us, Leo?”
I looked down at the ratty carpeting. Lucky’s office was in the other part of the arena, and it was still crappy. “Uh, no. We broke up.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Well, never mind, the three of us can go. That’s easier anyway.”
“I think I’ll just go home,” I said. “I’ve still got a lot of work to do.”
Amanda’s face was sympathetic, but I really didn’t deserve it. Besides, I wasn’t unhappy. It was only a phase. Not sleeping well and being irritable, it was a temporary thing. Once the season got underway and we started playing some real games, I’d feel a lot better. Maybe I needed to up my fitness regimen or take up meditation or something like that. Mental lethargy was like a physical ailment. I needed to work it out.
I went back to my office to get my laptop. I had to focus on the positives. The new team looked good. Lucky was the best boss I’d ever worked with. My coaching team was great. I had a good relationship with the Millionaire’s coaching staff, and we were working together to implement team systems so call-ups could move seamlessly into the NHL. But I’d still have a lot of freedom around special teams and player motivation—that’s where I could prove myself as a difference maker. The beginning of a season was always the most exciting time for me.
And personally, things were good too. Sophie and Wes were seriously considering moving to Vancouver or Seattle, which meant that I’d be able to see Charlotte much more. Once that all came together, I’d feel better.
But thinking about Charlotte made me feel guilty. The little lie I’d told about not breaking up with Jackie had forced me to make up stupid stories about Hannah, Tristan, and even that fat cat, Minx. That made me feel like a phony and a shitty dad, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her the truth because I knew how sad she’d be. Maybe it would even change her mind about moving to Vancouver.