by Leigh Bale
“Hi, there,” he said.
She shrugged. “The nurse told me you were here.”
“Yeah, I came to check on Pete.”
And you. But he didn’t say that out loud.
“How is he doing?” Sean asked.
“He’s out of surgery and stable. He’s gonna be okay. You can go in, but he’s sleeping. His parents and fiancée will be here anytime now.”
Relief washed over Sean and he bumped against the wall. He jerked away so his filth wouldn’t rub off on the pristine paint.
“How about you? Are you doing all right?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m just dandy,” she said.
Her clipped response told him she didn’t want to talk. But that didn’t diminish his concern for her.
“Have you eaten? Have you slept?” he asked.
She clenched her teeth. “Stop with the questions already. I’m fine.”
“Tess, I’m not asking you any questions I wouldn’t ask my other crew members,” he said.
Her gaze slid to the floor. “I know. It’s just been a long two days. Do you want me back on the line now?”
“No, the fire has been contained.”
“Good.”
“I’m sorry about sending you away. I know it bothered you, but I thought it was for the best.”
“Save it!” She slashed the air with her hand, and a flare of rebellion filled her stunning green eyes. “You don’t owe me any explanations...for that. You’re the boss. You did what you had to do. Let’s just drop it.”
As the superintendent of their crew, he knew he didn’t need to explain his decisions to her. And yet he felt as though he must. But right now, facing her scowl, he couldn’t speak the words sweltering in his heart. She was still hurting over his rejection.
Placing his hands in his pants pockets, he sidled past her toward the door, feeling like a naughty little kid. Not a fully grown man in charge of an entire crew of hotshots. “Guess I better go in now. When I’m done, I can give you a ride back to the command post.”
“Actually, I’m leaving now. They sent someone from the fire camp to pick me up,” she said.
He nodded, thinking it was best to put some distance between them. “Good. I’ll see you back at base. The rest of the team is helping with the mop up. They’ve got your gear. We’ll be leaving for home later this afternoon.”
“Great.” She took a step, seeming eager to escape.
He opened his mouth, but decided to let her go before he made an absolute fool of himself by saying something they both might regret.
“Bye.” She gave a little wave of her hand, turned on her heels and walked fast down the hall.
Sean stared after her, wishing more than anything that he could turn back the hands of time.
Chapter Ten
Tessa sat in the forest supervisor’s headquarters and gazed at the fire management officer. She felt like she faced a firing squad. The team had returned home from the wildfire yesterday, but maybe she should have waited a little longer before scheduling an appointment with the FMO. She’d told Harlie, her crew boss, that she needed some personal time to run a quick errand. He’d willingly agreed, but she’d seen the questioning look in his eyes as she’d left the hotshot base.
“What is so urgent that you wanted to see me about?” Jared Marshall sat behind his wide, faux-mahogany desk and folded his hands over his chest.
Even though Jared had married Megan a number of months ago, Tessa had no illusions. Not in the workplace. She didn’t want to be here, but she felt compelled. At the beginning of the fire season, she had thought she could keep her distance and work with Sean without involving her heart. But she’d been wrong. Her conflicting emotions were driving her crazy. It was time she did something about it. She had to get away from Sean, for good this time. But it wouldn’t be easy. Most hotshot crews had filled their vacancies long before she’d returned to Minoa. And being a woman starting over on a new squad of macho men meant she’d have to prove her value all over again. For that reason she’d tried to stick it out here, but now she believed a transfer would be better than this angst she was feeling around Sean.
Taking a deep breath, she spoke without stammering. “I’d like to request a transfer to another hotshot crew.”
Jared’s eyebrows lowered, but he didn’t blink. He just stared at her with a dark, brooding gaze that told her he didn’t approve.
“Why?” he finally asked.
Here it was. The big question.
“You already know my history with Sean. Do I really need to explain?” she asked.
In fact, Jared had been a good friend to both of them. But right now Jared was wearing his FMO hat and she knew he’d be nothing but professional in dealing with this situation.
He heaved a deep exhale. “Look, Tessa, it broke all of our hearts when Zach died. But firefighters understand the risks. It comes with the job. It wasn’t Sean’s fault. It just happened. In fact, Megan and I were caught in the same burnover with our kids. We were very blessed to make it out alive.”
Tessa tightened her hands, determined to remain calm and rational. She liked that Jared referred to Megan’s two young children as if they were his own. And she was so grateful they’d made it out of the fire with nothing more than a bit of smoke inhalation. If only Zach had been able to do the same.
“I understand that more than anyone,” she said. “But Sean doesn’t seem to get it. He broke off our engagement, yet he’s so protective of me. With all that’s standing between us, it’s become difficult to work with him.”
There, she’d said the words out loud. She’d hoped Sean might change over time. That he’d finally discuss the issue with her, but he’d refused. If he was indifferent toward her, that would be something she could handle. Something she could accept. But telling her that he didn’t want her anymore, and then showering his attention on her, was driving her nuts.
Jared sat back in his leather chair, the springs squeaking in protest. “I’m sorry to hear that. Fighting fire is a hazardous profession, no matter how you look at it. And when something bad happens, we want to blame someone. But sometimes it isn’t anyone’s fault. The fire blows up and we hand our lives over to God.”
She stared at Jared. “If Sean did nothing wrong, do you think he still blames himself anyway?”
“It’s possible. I know I did. Five years ago I was a superintendent when I lost two members on my crew. I wasn’t with them when it happened, but I can’t help thinking I should have saved their lives somehow. It still tears me up inside. If only I could have done something to bring them home safe. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sean feels the same way about Zach.”
So she was right. Sean felt guilty. But what for? If he had done nothing wrong, why would he push her away? It didn’t make sense to her. But she wasn’t a doctor. She didn’t understand the workings of a person’s mind. What was simple for her to accept might be difficult for someone else.
“I’d like to take a look at Sean’s personal therapy notes on Zach’s death,” she said.
Jared’s mouth tightened. “You’d have to talk to him about that. I’ve already provided you with the final incident report.”
“That’s not what I want to read.”
“Sean’s personal notes aren’t for public view. They’re just a bunch of scribbles anyway. Without him to translate, I doubt you’d be able to make much sense out of them.”
“I’m not the public, Jared. I’m a member of this crew.”
“Yes, and you’re also Zach’s sister. You’re not thinking objectively.”
“But it might help give me insight into Sean’s mind-set. To make sure he’s not hiding something.” The moment she said the words, she wished she hadn’t.
Jared’s eyes narrowed on her like two heat-seeking
missiles. “You know that’s not right. He wouldn’t have been able to hide anything from the investigation team. They were too thorough. I think you’re too close to the situation, Tessa. Your judgment is a bit clouded.”
Really? She thought her judgment was working fine. She knew the Watch Out situations and the rules to fire suppression. And one of them was to avoid working in a chimney area that could funnel the fire right up to the crew. Even so, hotshots still worked in chimney areas. Even she had done it on numerous occasions, although it could be dangerous. Since everyone already knew this, she didn’t understand why Sean wouldn’t let her view his personal notes. The logical answer was that he was hiding something. Something big. But what could it be?
“You’ve known Sean a long time. Have you ever seen him do something wrong on a fire?” Jared asked.
She paused, thinking this over. Then she spoke truthfully. “No. That’s why I’m trying to understand what went wrong.”
“The fire went wrong, Tessa. That’s all. I understand you just returned from the Splendor Fire and one of your crewmen got hurt. Was it anyone’s fault?”
“No, it just happened,” she said.
“That’s right. Did you see Sean make any poor decisions or do something wrong on the mountain?”
She paused, remembering how he’d momentarily hesitated, a brief flash of panic in his eyes. And then the way his hands had trembled as he’d helped her wrap the bandages around Pete’s wounds. But he’d been perfectly rational and in complete control of his team. His leadership had been inspiring.
“No.” She chewed her bottom lip, still stinging over how he had sent her away.
“Did Sean fail to act appropriately when Pete got hurt?” Jared asked.
“No. In fact, he saved Pete’s life.” And if she’d been injured, she had no doubt he would have saved her, too.
“But what if Pete had died? Would it have been Sean’s fault?” Jared asked.
“No, of course not.”
Unless he’d failed to do everything he could to save Pete. In fact, Sean was a hero. He’d acted so fast, the rest of the crew didn’t even know what was happening. Honestly, she was impressed by Sean. She always had been. She still thought he was the most handsome, dynamic man she’d ever met. And being around him was a constant reminder that she’d loved him once. That she wasn’t as emotionally removed from him as she thought. And for that reason, she wanted to get away from him. Before he could break her heart again.
“So, what’s the problem?” Jared lifted his eyebrows, his eyes filled with a bit of annoyance.
Tessa couldn’t explain all of her feelings to Jared. On the surface, there was no problem. But saving Pete’s life didn’t resolve the chaos of doubts blistering her mind. The tension between her and Sean was still there.
“It’s just a difficult situation,” she said, feeling like a big baby who was whining too much.
He paused as though choosing his words carefully. “I understand that, Tessa. And I’m sorry, but I can’t make changes to the crew every time two people don’t get along.”
Yes, the hotshot crew must go on. It must continue to work effectively, with or without Tessa on the team. She understood that all too well.
Jared hardened his jaw, his eyes narrowed. “If you can’t get along with Sean, I’m afraid you’ll have to find another job. I won’t do anything to compromise this team, including shuffle firefighters around because they don’t like each other. Zach’s death was a terrible tragedy, but Sean was cleared of any wrongdoing. In fact, Zach was as much at fault as Sean was.”
Horror ignited inside her and she peered at him, wondering what he meant. “You said it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Zach was just following orders. Wasn’t he?”
His lips tightened as if he was trying not to say something. Was he keeping something from her, too?
He paused for a moment as though choosing his words carefully. “In the middle of a crisis, we never know how we might react. People can panic, Tessa. They can do irrational things they wouldn’t normally do.”
Hmm. What was he insinuating? “My brother was a seasoned firefighter. Did he do something irrational?”
He heaved a sigh of futility and shook his head. “Nothing will bring him back, Tessa.”
Yes, but that didn’t resolve her problem of how to continue working with Sean without feeling like her heart was breaking all over again. But Jared wasn’t about to budge. Tessa could see the resolve etched in his stern expression. And if she wasn’t careful, she could lose her coveted position entirely. Then how would she pay her fall tuition? How would she live? And worse yet, she would earn a reputation for being a problem employee. If she wanted to become an FMO one day, she needed wildfire fighting experience. She didn’t want to jeopardize her future career goals.
“You want my advice?” Jared asked.
No, but she realized he’d give it to her anyway. She nodded obediently, fearing what he might say.
“Suck it up. Get back to work and do your job. And next spring, if you still feel the same way, I’ll put you at the top of the list for a move to another crew in Arizona or Montana.”
A whoosh of air escaped Tessa’s lungs. Arizona would be closer to Mom, but it’d be far away from Sean. That was good. It was what she wanted, after all. To get away from Sean.
“I doubt I’ll be working on a hotshot crew next summer. I’ll be graduating next spring and hopefully starting a new job in the Forest Service,” she said.
He smiled wide. “That’s right. I’d forgotten you were close to completing your schooling. Congratulations.”
“Thank you.”
“I hope you’ll be able to finish out this summer here in Minoa. And after you graduate, maybe we can talk about your future. You’ve done a good job and I’d be happy to write you a letter of recommendation.”
“Thank you. I’d like that very much,” she said. She didn’t want to jeopardize her opportunities by throwing a hissy fit now.
“So, do you think you’re going to be okay to finish out the fire season?”
“Yes, I’ll be fine. Thanks for talking with me about it,” she said.
“You’re welcome.”
She fought off the urge to hand in her resignation right now. Instead, she kept her mouth shut by remembering her future plans and how blessed she was to be on this hotshot team.
“On a happier note, I’ve heard that Pete’s gonna be okay,” Jared said.
“Yes, he’ll be fine. Sean did a good job handling the situation.” And she meant every word. But she couldn’t forget the anxiety she’d seen in his eyes, or how his breathing had come hard and fast as if he’d been running a marathon. Those symptoms weren’t normal. What if Sean was suffering from PTSD? What if he needed help and didn’t even know it?
“I’m glad to hear you say that,” he said.
As she stood to leave, Tessa assessed her options. She would have to finish the season on the Minoa hotshot crew. She had to do it. She’d control her raging emotions, be quiet and do her job. And in the process, she must not let herself love Sean again. No, sirree. One broken heart was enough.
* * *
“Excuse me.” Sean whipped around the corner of the FMO’s office and almost fell over the top of a woman.
He’d been running late for his meeting with Jared Marshall and not paying attention. Lifting his hands, he drew back, but not before he caught the woman’s sweet scent. A mingling of fragrant shampoo, delicate perfume and clean skin. Subtle and nice. And in that single moment of time, he recognized her even before he stared into her wide, uncertain eyes.
“Tessie.” He whispered her name. Or at least he thought he did. He couldn’t be sure, because the moment he saw her, his thoughts scattered like the wind tosses autumn leaves in October.
She flattened herself against
the wall, her lips parted as she inhaled a shaky breath. She appeared as startled as he did. “Sean. I didn’t expect to see you here.”
Apparently not. A feeling of confusion zipped through his mind. He’d been working on reports in his office all afternoon and thought she was out in the repair shop with the other crew members back at the hotshot base. She must have asked her squad leader for some personal time off, which was perfectly fine. But...
“What are you doing here?” he said.
Maybe he shouldn’t have asked that. It wasn’t his business, after all. She was allowed to take personal leave to attend to her own affairs. But he was so taken off guard that the question slipped out before he could think to pull it back.
“Um, I had some business to tend to. I’m headed back to work right now.” Her face brightened up like a flamethrower. Her gaze darted toward the front door, and she inched down the hallway. She obviously didn’t like him finding her here.
“Okay, I won’t keep you. See you later.” He waved her on, mildly amused by the rush of relief that relaxed her tensed shoulders.
She darted toward freedom. The moment she disappeared from view, he wished he’d said something different. Something gentle and encouraging to put her at ease. It was as if they were both lepers and feared catching the contagious disease from one another.
A nagging suspicion tugged at him. He couldn’t help wondering why she was at the forest supervisor’s office during work hours.
Swiveling on his boot heels, he knocked on Jared Marshall’s office door.
“Enter.”
He turned the knob and poked his head inside. “You ready for our meeting?”
Jared looked up and waved. “Yeah. Hi, Sean. Sit down. I understand that Pete’s gonna be okay.”