by Leigh Bale
He snorted and rummaged around in his toolbox, pretending to look for another tool. He knew he was giving her the cold shoulder again, but he couldn’t help it. She made prayer sound so easy. But it wasn’t. Not for him. And that was when he realized that he didn’t want to talk to God. He didn’t want to hand his grief over to the Lord. Because then he’d be free of the guilt. And he didn’t think he deserved that kind of peace. He didn’t deserve to be happy again. Or did he?
“Sean, I think you’re suffering from PTSD. And if that’s true, then you need help.” Tessa touched his arm, looking up at him with compassion in her eyes.
He jerked his head toward her, trying not to let her see how he was feeling inside. The last thing he wanted was her pity.
“I don’t have PTSD,” he said. But he knew that he did. He’d pushed it aside, ignoring the problem. He was strong, after all. He could handle anything. He just needed time. Didn’t he?
Her lips tightened. “You act like you do.”
He paused, knowing that he was in denial. He had tried so hard, but maybe he couldn’t deal with his PTSD on his own. The anxiety attacks, the insomnia, the flashbacks to the day of the fire. Surely he would get over it soon. Then again, maybe not. It had already been almost a year and nothing had improved for him. Maybe he did need help after all.
She dropped her hand away, her eyes filled with doubt. “I think you need to talk about it with someone.”
“Who did you have in mind?” he asked.
“I was always a good listener. We used to tell each other everything.”
“You wouldn’t like what you hear this time,” he said.
Her jaw tightened as if she was trying to be brave. “Why don’t you try me?”
No, he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t tell her all of those horrible things. He wanted to protect her. He didn’t want to fill her mind with visions of death.
“Maybe another time,” he said.
“Then if you won’t talk to me, please talk to someone else, Sean. You seem so unhappy. You’re not yourself anymore. I think talking about it is the only way you can ever get feeling better.”
Ah, she knew him so well. He didn’t bother to ask how she knew he was depressed. He’d tried so hard to hide it. But he’d never been able to keep anything from Tessa. And this weakness emasculated him like nothing else could.
“I need to finish up here and get going.” Brushing past her, he reached under the sink and dried off the pipes then ensured that the joints were all tight.
“Can you turn on the water? I want to check one last time for leaks,” he said.
She released a sigh of disappointment but did as asked. The rush of water filled the sink as she turned on the tap. He studied the pipes, remembering the kiss they’d shared a few minutes earlier. It had been a serious lapse of judgment for him to have allowed that to happen. Because now he only wanted more. And he couldn’t have Tessa. Not as long as he blamed himself for Zach’s death. Not without wondering every moment that they were together if she blamed him, too, but was just putting on a good front. Unless she absolutely believed in him, her doubts would canker inside her and eventually blow up. Their relationship would be doomed to failure.
“Everything looks good,” he said.
“Wonderful. Thank you for all your help,” she said, her voice sounding tight.
“My pleasure.” And he meant it. He wanted to help her. Because of what she had once meant to him. Because of what she still meant to him.
“Will you stay for supper? It’s all ready. I’ve got a salad in the fridge and rocky road ice cream for dessert,” she said.
She folded her arms and stepped back while he retrieved his channel locks. He returned them to his toolbox then closed and latched the lid. His stomach rumbled and the casserole smelled good enough to tempt him, but it would be a mistake to stay. Because he might lose his willpower. It was better not to torture either of them with any false hopes.
“Thanks, but I better get going. I’ve got some reports to finish for the FMO by tomorrow morning. If we get called out on another fire and I’m not prepared, he won’t be happy with me.” It was the truth, after all.
“Are you sure? Even if you have reports to fill out, you still have to eat,” she said.
“No, but thanks anyway.”
There. He’d been strong. It was the best thing to do.
He stepped outside and she followed him, leaning against the doorjamb.
“See you tomorrow,” she said.
“Yeah, tomorrow.” He waved and walked to the parking lot. He forced himself not to look back, although he wanted to.
Placing his toolbox in the back of his truck, he then climbed into the driver’s seat. He gripped the steering wheel with both hands and gazed up at Tessa’s apartment on the second floor. She’d gone back inside and closed the door.
He couldn’t believe he’d kissed her. Or she’d kissed him. He wasn’t sure which. He had to be stronger than that. And he mustn’t let it ever happen again.
Chapter Thirteen
The following morning Tessa ran along a steep, rocky path in the low hills surrounding the hotshot base. The crisp morning air invigorated her. Warm sunlight glinted off the white stones edging the trail, momentarily blinding her. She blinked and continued on.
“Come on! Pick up the pace,” Sean yelled as he stood at the side of the trail and waited for the crew to jog past him.
He fell in behind Ace, silently urging the man to move a little faster. It wasn’t easy to hike up a vertical incline while carrying a forty-five-pound pack on your back. Not at this pace. But it was Sean’s responsibility to keep his team in optimal condition. Tessa silently admitted that he’d done an outstanding job as their superintendent. She now knew that he was the best man for the job and that she’d misjudged him. If only she could help him see that.
“Oww!” A hollow cry of pain wrenched from her throat as she stumbled and rolled into the thick clumps of rabbit brush lying a few feet off the trail. Curled on the ground, she pulled her right ankle close to her chest, hugging it tight.
Great! Just great. She hadn’t been paying attention and may have injured herself pretty bad.
Several of the men hurried after her, crowding around as she grimaced in agony.
“Let me through.” Sean elbowed his way past the guys. “Hey, you okay?” he asked, going down on one knee beside her.
She recoiled, fearing he might touch her. Fearing that she’d fall into his arms if he did. Through a fog of pain, she saw the fear etching his features. She had no doubt that it was genuine.
“I’m fine,” she gasped.
But she wasn’t. She didn’t want to be a baby, but the throbbing in her ankle brought a sting of tears to her eyes. She clenched them shut, fighting off the pain.
“What happened?” he asked.
“A rock rolled beneath my foot.” No way was she going to tell him that she’d been thinking about him and not paying attention to the uneven ground.
Thankfully, Harlie slipped the heavy backpack off her shoulders. As he swept it out of the way, she lay back to catch her breath.
“Just give me a moment and I’ll be up again.” She spoke the words through gritted teeth.
“You gonna be okay?” Sean asked.
She slit her eyes open to look at him. “Of course. It’s nothing. I’ll be fine.”
But even as she said the words, she knew she was in trouble. She just hoped it wasn’t serious.
He rolled up her pant leg to inspect the injury. His fingers were warm and gentle as he unlaced her boot and lowered her thick stocking for a better look. She wanted to push him away but couldn’t resist feeling grateful that he was there. She could no longer fight him. Now she just wanted to help him.
“Ouch!” she cried.
“I don’t think you’re going to be hiking anymore today. Your ankle is swelling right before my eyes.” He cupped her foot, gently testing the soundness of the bones.
Oh, no. That was not what she wanted to hear right now.
“Look at that, dudes. Hot pink nail polish. I’ll bet Tessa could really rock a pair of high heels.” Ace laughed and pointed at her painted toes.
“Knock it off.” Sean growled the reprimand without looking up.
Ace shut his mouth, but the guys all stared at her foot. As the only woman on the team, Tessa was a novelty and they’d never stop teasing her about it. She knew Ace was joking to relieve a tense situation. She just hoped she wasn’t going to be laid up with a broken ankle that prohibited her from fighting any more fires this season. She needed her paycheck.
She took several shallow breaths. “I couldn’t catch myself in time and down I went.”
“You could have a hairline fracture. I think you’re gonna need some X-rays,” Sean said.
No! She couldn’t give in. She reached for her stocking to tug it back on. “I’ll be okay. Let me get my boot back on and...oww!”
She dropped the shoe, her futile attempts at bravery forgotten for now.
“Get this out of here.” Sean tossed the boot to Harlie, who whisked it behind his back.
“Hey! Give me that,” she cried.
Sean showed a stern expression. “Tessa, your hike is finished for today.”
She scowled, and no one asked why. If she couldn’t walk, she couldn’t fight wildfire. No doubt Sean was delighted to have her off the fireline. The day Pete was injured, Sean had been delighted to send her away. But she had to think about this rationally. The price she’d pay for taking this tumble could be steep. But it couldn’t be helped now.
“We’re gonna put you in the truck and take you to the clinic for some X-rays,” he reiterated.
“No. Please. Just get me back to base and let me rest for the day. I’ll be fine in the morning.” She tried to stand, gave a low moan and sank back into the dirt. She was not going to be able to work today and she knew it.
Sean stood and nodded at the men. “Okay, guys, you know what to do. Let’s get her back to base camp.”
Tessa released a disgruntled groan but didn’t fight them as Tank and Dean pulled her up. Bending her knee, she kept her injured foot from touching the ground. She looped her arms around the two men’s necks and let them help her limp down the hill and back to the hotshot base. It was slow going until they got onto the flat trail at the bottom of the hill. By that time, Tessa was gritting her teeth in agony. She hoped it was just a sprain but, if it was, it was a doozy.
As they loaded Tessa into the supray, Sean gave several orders to the men. She knew they would continue with their workout while Sean drove her to the clinic in town.
Inside the truck neither Sean nor Tessa spoke until they arrived. She couldn’t help thinking about the kiss they’d shared the day before. Surely it hadn’t meant anything. Just a natural reflex from when they’d been happy and in love. The heat of the moment. But what if it was something more? She didn’t know how to be sure. And then another thought occurred to her. What if Sean still loved her? What if breaking up with her had been all wrong? She wasn’t sure if she wanted him back or not. Right now she didn’t know how she felt about this man. If she let down her defenses, she could find herself hurt even worse. And yet a part of her wanted to try one more time.
He walked around to her door, opened it and scooped her into his arms to carry her inside. His touch seemed to almost burn her.
“Put me down. I can walk on my own,” she demanded.
He kept walking, seeming to carry her as easily as he would a sack of feathers. Mortification burned her skin. She gave him her fiercest glare but he just stared straight ahead. She wanted to walk and he wouldn’t let her. It was that simple. And he was big enough and strong enough that she couldn’t fight him.
“What are you gonna do, crawl into the emergency room?” he asked, a twinge of humor tainting his words.
The vision of her crawling across the asphalt made her laugh. “No, of course not. But you’ve got to stop babying me, Sean.”
“I’m not babying you,” he insisted.
“Yes, you are. You wouldn’t carry Harlie or Dean if one of them hurt their ankle. You would have gone for a wheelchair,” she said.
He grunted, his eyebrows curved in a deep glower. “Waiting for a wheelchair would take too long.”
The double automatic doors at the entrance whooshed open and he stepped inside. Numerous people sat in the waiting room, their gazes pinned on her.
“Everyone is staring at me,” she whispered.
“That’s because they know you’re hurt. It’s normal curiosity, nothing more,” he said.
Well, yeah, but she didn’t want to draw attention to herself. She was used to being strong and carrying her own load. They were hotshots. She was supposed to take care of people, not the other way around. It didn’t sit well with her to rely on Sean’s strength right now.
“Maybe you ought to admit that you can’t do everything alone,” he said. “It’s okay to need other people once in a while. You should accept their help and say thank you.”
“Back at you, buddy,” she said. “You should take some of your own advice.”
His jaw hardened but he didn’t reply. Which was the most maddening character trait he had. When she wanted to have a good, loud argument, he just shut his mouth tight and wouldn’t say a word.
As he trudged with her over to a chair, she finally gave it up and looped her hands around his neck to hold on. The feel of his arms around her did something to Tessa. It reminded her of happier days. A time when they didn’t know how hurt they both could be.
“I mean it, Sean. You need help, too. You shouldn’t push people away,” she said.
“Let’s not talk about this right now. We’re here for you, not me.” He bent over and gently deposited her in a seat.
“Why do you keep shutting me out? You need me. Is it so hard for you to admit it?”
He jerked his head up and met her eyes. Maybe she shouldn’t have said that, but lately she’d been thinking it was true. That maybe it had been a mistake for her to let him break up with her. She was now convinced it never should have happened. But getting past his bullheaded stubbornness was another issue. Especially if he had PTSD. That wasn’t something Sean would be able to just snap his fingers and push aside.
He heaved a disgruntled sigh. “You’re relentless, did you know that? You never know when to quit.”
He barely spared a glance at the busy waiting room before sauntering over to the front desk to speak with the receptionist. Before long, Tessa found herself in an examination room. Sean stayed with her the entire time as she was moved into the X-ray room then sent on her way home with an ice pack and a pair of crutches. A severe sprain, the doctor had said. Nothing broken. No ripped tendons. She should be feeling better in a week or two.
“Now watch. You and the guys will get called out on a fire and I’ll be left behind,” she grouched as Sean drove her home.
He chuckled, focusing his gaze on the windshield as he skirted through traffic. “Don’t worry about that. Let’s just get your ankle healed up.”
She accepted that with a low sigh of impatience. Due to the fact that her injury wasn’t serious and she also had a pain pill in her, she was feeling relaxed and mellow right now. Lethargic and easygoing.
“How’s Matt doing?” she asked about the boy.
“Good. He’s coming over later tonight. His mom has to work late and I promised to help him with his driving hours. But I might have to cancel and bring you some dinner instead.”
“Absolutely not. I can take care of myself.” But she knew if Sean was determined to bring her a
meal, he’d do it no matter what she said. Of course, the meal would entail something from Megan’s diner. There were no fast food restaurants in town and Sean didn’t cook much, except for barbecuing steaks on the grill. But it was the thought that counted. He was always the caregiver. Always looking after everyone on the crew.
She arched her eyebrows. “Driving hours?”
“Yeah, Matt has to spend quite a few hours driving before he can qualify for his license. I’ve been teaching him.”
“Zach taught me to drive.” She smiled, the memory bringing her joy. And she recognized that it was getting easier to talk about her brother.
Sean chuckled. “I know. He told me what a crazy driver you were. It’s a good thing he set you straight.”
She reached across the seat and batted his shoulder playfully, feeling languid. “I’m a good driver.”
“Yeah, sure you are. Now.”
They both laughed...and then they went very still. Tessa blinked in confusion. For a few brief moments they’d both forgotten about the past. And Tessa thought now might be a good time to ask him once more about her brother. But knowing the truth didn’t seem to be so important now. It occurred to her that, if she really believed in the atonement of Christ, then she needed to forgive Sean for whatever lapse in judgment he might have had that day. His guilt was unjustified and preventing him from being able to feel the Savior’s atoning love. And that was when she realized the awesome power she held. The power to keep Sean feeling guilty and ugly inside, or to help him heal and feel joy. She had to let the past go. To move on and remember Zach with joy and love. Sean needed to do the same.
In her heart of hearts, she didn’t believe he was responsible. Her brother’s death was a terrible tragedy, but it would be a complete disaster to lose Sean, too. Not a physical death, but an emotional and spiritual one. And she had to convince him of this.
But she couldn’t think about it right now. She felt dizzy, the pain pill making it difficult to concentrate. Tomorrow. Tomorrow she’d talk to him. Somehow she would find a way to get through to him. Because, no matter what, she was not going to let him push her away again.