by Leigh Bale
Matt flushed red as a new fire engine and nodded, not meeting the officer’s eyes.
Outside, Matt didn’t speak much as Tessa drove him to his mobile home on Fourth Street.
“Your mom said to take you home. Are you sure you’ll be okay alone?” she asked.
“Yeah, I just want to go to sleep now. I’m really sorry you had to come and get me like this,” he said.
“I know.” She gripped the steering wheel as she drove down the dark, abandoned streets.
“You...you won’t tell Sean about it, will you? I promised him I’d behave myself, and I... I’ve let him down again.”
The kid looked so forlorn, so miserable, that Tessa figured his guilty conscience was eating him up inside. And she couldn’t help wondering if it was the same for Sean. Was his conscience eating him up, too?
“No, I won’t tell Sean,” Tessa said. “It’s enough that your mom knows about it. But you’re old enough to understand that she has her hands full earning a living for you. You’re not helping to ease her load by getting into trouble. She wanted to be here but couldn’t abandon her responsibilities at work. She needs her job so she can provide for you, to pay the bills and put food in your mouth. You’ve left her in a difficult position.”
He stared at the floor, looking completely ashamed. “I know. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt her. I’ll do better from now on. I promise.”
“You should tell her that,” Tessa said. “What made you decide to get into the car with those boys anyway?”
She didn’t look at him as she asked the question. She couldn’t help thinking that everyone deserved a second chance. Including her and Sean.
Matt shrugged. “Gavin said we were just going for a ride. We were dragging Main Street, you know? Just hanging out with my friends.”
“Hmm, they don’t sound like friends to me. Not if they’d do things to get you into trouble,” Tessa said.
Matt lowered his head. “Yeah, I guess not. Everything was fine until Gavin pulled out a bottle of whiskey. I didn’t have any, though. I told Sean I wouldn’t drink anymore, and I kept my word. But I was already in the car and couldn’t get out. I asked them to take me home, but they wouldn’t. And Gavin got mad at me. Before I knew what was happening, a cop pulled us over. I didn’t have a choice.”
“Yes, you did,” she said. “You knew what those boys were like. You made a choice the moment you got into the car with them, Matt. Now you’ve got to make it right. Steer clear of them. They’re no good for you.”
He nodded, looking humble and repentant. “I know. I won’t be hanging out with Gavin anymore, I can tell you that. And I tried to do what was right by not drinking. At least I did that right.”
“Yes, you did that right. But I suggest you pick some new friends, like those in your Boy Scout group.”
He peeked at her in a hesitant glance that showed his fear. “Do you think Sean will find out?”
Funny how he was so desperate for Sean to not find out what he had done. Sean would forgive him, of course. Matt had been foolish to get in the car with the boys, but it wasn’t his fault they’d started drinking. He’d simply allowed himself to get sucked into a bad situation. It was undoubtedly the same for Sean. When Zach had died, he’d found himself in an impossible position. One that almost got him killed, too. But now it was time for him to heal.
“You promise you won’t tell him?” Matt pressed.
“I promise. But I think you should keep your word to Sean, too. Especially since you know it’s for your own good. No more hanging out with a bad crowd.”
Matt inclined his head. She caught a glimpse of Sean in his eyes. How much he wanted to be accepted. How badly he needed someone he could trust. Someone to depend upon. And that made people do crazy things sometimes. But this boy still needed a friend right now. And Sean did, too. When he’d broken off their engagement, she’d been devastated and felt like he was abandoning her. It had made her suspect that he had done something to get Zach killed. But maybe when he’d pushed her away, his actions had really been a cry for help. And when she’d left town, she had been the one who had abandoned him when he needed her the most.
“You’re right,” Matt agreed.
“The other boys might blab. It’s a small town and you know how gossip travels quickly. Sean could still find out from someone else,” she warned.
Horror ignited in Matt’s eyes. His face drained of all color, looking pale in the dim light. He covered his eyes with his hands. “Oh, no.”
“It’s not the end of the world. You can start fresh right now. I think you’ll find that Sean can be quite forgiving,” she said.
Another nod as he threaded his fingers together and clenched them tight. “If Sean finds out, he might not want to be friends with me anymore.”
“That’s not true. Sean loves you. He’d never abandon you.” Tessa knew what she said was true. And that was when she realized how much this boy craved a father figure. Someone he could believe in. Someone to love him unconditionally. It gave her insight into Sean’s mind-set, too. He’d been raised in foster care. He probably didn’t believe he could depend on her support. No wonder he’d pushed her away when Zach had died. And she had let him. She’d put her own pain first. She’d been hurting so badly that she couldn’t see what was really going on. The survivor’s guilt. The pain of losing his best friend.
She parked in Matt’s driveway and killed the engine. Looking at the small trailer house where he lived with his mother, she thought Matt could do much worse. At least he had a place to belong. A home and a mom who loved him. Likewise, Tessa still had her mother. But Sean had no one. Not anymore.
“I don’t think Sean’s friendship is so shallow that he’d abandon you just because you were in a car with boys who were drinking,” she said. “But friends shouldn’t keep secrets from each other. When the time’s right, you ought to tell Sean what you did and that you’re sorry.”
He met her eyes. “I will. And thanks for coming to get me, Tessa.”
She smiled. “You’re welcome.”
* * *
A week later the hotshot crew returned to town. The following day they cleaned out their gear and restocked their fuel supplies. Tessa was so happy to have them back that she set up a long table outside near the garage. She spread a cheap, plastic covering over the tabletop then laid out two platters of sandwiches, chips, cookies and cold drinks for the men to enjoy. A welcome-home celebration.
The men ate and talked as they repaired their equipment. Ace eyed Tessa’s ankle as she walked past him. “Don’t tell me you faked that sprain just so you could get out of going on that fire with us.”
She laughed, surprised that she didn’t feel irritated by his teasing. “Yeah, sure I did. You’ve got me pegged, Ace.”
The men chuckled and she enjoyed the lighthearted banter around her. She’d had over a week for her ankle to heal and it felt almost as good as new. Now she was ready to get back to work. But a cloud hung over her. She wanted to have a talk with Sean and wondered how to broach the topic on her mind. She couldn’t explain it, but she felt better when he was near. They hadn’t resolved the barriers between them, but that didn’t seem to matter anymore.
As she worked outside in the yard to maintain their transport buggies, Sean’s gaze rested on her. Her senses went on high alert. He’d come home with a week’s worth of stubble on his face, but he’d shaven it off first thing. Standing nearby, he wore a clean hotshot uniform, his dark hair glimmering in the afternoon sunshine.
“Are you really doing okay?” he asked.
“Of course. I’m fine,” she said.
“Good. I’m glad you got some rest while we were gone. But we missed you.” He sounded sincere.
His words touched her heart. He’d been protecting her so much that she’d begun to doubt her place on the c
rew. His words reassured her.
He turned and walked toward the garage, leaving the air filled with an aching loneliness. He paused beside a stack of shovels and started counting them.
“Yeah, I can see the two of you don’t like each other at all.” Ace blurted the words, winning a dark glare from Sean.
“Get back to work,” Sean called.
“Sure thing, super.” With a good-natured shrug, Ace picked up a pile of Pulaskis and carried them into the tool shop for sharpening.
“Thanks for the grub,” Harlie called to Tessa as he snatched up another sandwich.
“Yeah, thanks, Tess.” The other men smiled their gratitude, munching on a huge bowl of potato chips.
“You’re welcome.”
The crunch of gravel caused her to turn. A police car pulled into the yard. Darrin Harper got out and walked toward them, a lazy grin on his face. He was dressed in his police uniform, with a silver badge pinned to his chest that gleamed in the sunlight.
Tessa’s heart sank. Oh, no. This couldn’t be good. What was the cop doing here in the middle of the afternoon?
“Darrin! How you doing, buddy?” Sean greeted the man with a wave of his hand.
“Hi, Sean. I’m good.” The officer rested his fingers lightly against the black gun on his hip.
“Are you hungry? Help yourself,” Tessa offered, hoping to sidetrack him long enough to ask him to keep quiet about Matt.
The deputy accepted a cold soft drink but declined the food. If only Sean would move away long enough for her to speak with Darrin for a moment. But he didn’t budge.
“Looks like you’re busy today,” Darrin said.
“Yeah, we just got back from a fire yesterday. What brings you out to our neighborhood?” Sean asked.
Tessa dipped a large sponge into a bucket of soapy water before slathering it onto the fender of one of the crew’s transport buggies. As she washed the vehicle, she half listened to the conversation.
“I just wanted to stop by and check up on how Matt Morton is doing,” Darrin said.
Tessa froze. Since Sean had returned yesterday, she had no idea if Matt had seen him and told him about his trip to the police station. The officer undoubtedly knew about Sean’s work with Matt, but she felt a fissure of loyalty to the boy. She didn’t want Darrin to spill the beans. Not until Matt was ready for Sean to know the truth.
And that thought stopped her in her tracks. Was that what Sean was doing? Waiting until he was ready to talk about Zach’s death? That didn’t make sense. And yet it did. But what if Sean was never ready to talk about it? He might keep it bottled up inside himself forever. And she was no longer willing to leave it up to chance.
“I think Matt is doing well,” Sean said.
“No more riding around in cars with drunk drivers, right?” Darrin asked.
Sean tilted his head to one side, his brows curved in a quizzical frown. Oh, boy. Here it was. What if Sean didn’t know?
“Hey, Darrin,” she called, trying to distract the two men.
The man turned toward her. “Yes?”
“How’s your family doing?” she asked.
“They’re all good,” he said.
“Do you—” she began, but Sean cut her off.
“What do you mean, drunk drivers?” he asked, his voice elevated slightly.
Darrin shifted his weight and focused back on Sean. He took a sip of his soft drink. “Didn’t Matt tell you?”
Sean shook his head. “Tell me what?”
Tessa braced herself, choking the damp sponge with her hands. In a few short sentences, Darrin filled Sean in on what had happened last week.
“I just saw him last night and he didn’t say a word,” Sean said.
“Cathy was working late at the diner, so she called Tessa to pick Matt up at the police station. Apparently you were out of town on a wildfire,” Darrin said.
Sean’s gaze shifted over to Tessa, his eyes boring a hole in her head like a high-speed drill. A dark premonition washed over her and she wished Darrin would shut his big mouth. She would rather Matt was the first person to tell Sean what had happened. No matter what, the jig was up. Sean knew everything now.
She had to give Sean some credit. He played it cool. He didn’t overreact. He didn’t say another word about it. The two men talked a few minutes more. Then Darrin got into his squad car and pulled out of the yard. Even though this wasn’t the cop’s fault, Tessa was glad to see him go.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
She snapped her head up and found Sean standing directly behind her. “Tell you what?”
The corners of his mouth tipped up in a tight look of exasperation. “That Matt had been pulled into the police station because he was in a car where the other boys were drinking alcohol and he called you to pick him up.”
“It was Cathy who called me to pick him up. And Matt wasn’t driving the car. He hadn’t been drinking, Sean.”
“Exactly. Why didn’t you tell me all of that?”
She shrugged. “It wasn’t my place. Matt made me promise not to. Besides, Cathy knows all about it. She’s his mom. He was embarrassed and regretted it, but he was planning to tell you when he was ready.”
Sean’s eyes filled with accusation. “Matt is a sixteen-year-old boy. You should have told me, Tess. I have a right to know.”
She shook her head. “No, you don’t. Cathy called my place in the middle of the night, looking for you. You weren’t in town, so I helped out. That’s all. But that didn’t obligate me to tell you about it. Especially since Matt made me promise to be quiet about it.”
“Why would he do that?”
She dropped the sponge into the bucket of water and wiped her wet hands on her pants. “Oh, let me think. Maybe because he really likes you and doesn’t want to let you down again. He’s afraid you won’t like him anymore. That you won’t still be his friend. He doesn’t want to hurt you.”
“That’s silly. I’ll always be his friend,” he said.
“Of course you will, and I told him so. He made a mistake by getting in the car with those boys, but the drinking wasn’t his fault. I hope you won’t make it worse by making a big issue out of it. You have to forgive him. That’s what you do when you love someone,” she said.
Sean froze. For a flickering moment his eyes flashed with despair. And that was when Tessa realized what she’d said. How unfair she sounded. How hypocritical she’d been. No, he hadn’t abandoned her. Not really. She’d walked away from him. When he’d broken off their engagement, she’d left town without another word to him. And now she regretted it. No matter how hard he tried to push her away, she should have stayed by his side and silently supported him until he was ready to talk to her.
“I’ve been worried about that boy, Tessa. You know I’ve been watching out for him and Gavin, too,” Sean said.
“I know. But I made a promise and I couldn’t break it. I was just trying to protect Matt,” she said.
The same way Sean was always trying to protect her. She understood that now.
“Matt still needs lots of guidance. You should have talked to me about it,” he said.
Frustration boiled up inside her. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should have told you, just like you should have talked to me about Zach.”
His face darkened in a thunderous expression. Something cold and hard filled his eyes. Without a word, he turned and walked to the office building. She didn’t follow after him as he disappeared into the shadows of tall elm trees lining the front sidewalk. She figured he needed time alone. They both did. But she stood there, mute and shaking, and stared at the sparkling clean truck she’d been scrubbing. Unable to work. Unable to move. Unable to think clearly. She only hoped she hadn’t finally pushed Sean over the edge.
* * *
/> Sean walked straight into his office. He pulled a key from his pants pocket, opened the right hand drawer to his desk and jerked out a large, sealed manila envelope. It contained a notebook filled with his shaky handwriting. His personal notes on what had happened the day that Zach had died. Whenever any of them faced a traumatic experience, the psychiatrist always encouraged them to write down their thoughts and feelings as part of the therapy of healing. Tessa and the other crew members all knew about this exercise and usually laughed about it. But Sean didn’t feel like laughing now. He held the notebook in his hands, his entire body quaking. He thought about what he was planning to do and wondered if it was another big mistake.
His silence had created more suspicion. It had driven a wedge between him and Tessa. But now he had to let it go. She had a right to know what had happened. He just hoped she wouldn’t hate him afterward.
Slamming the desk drawer, he walked back outside and straight toward Tessa. She stood where he’d left her, drying off one of the vehicles with a soft cloth from the rag box. Most of the men were inside, giving them a bit of privacy.
As Sean approached, Tessa’s mouth dropped open and she met his gaze. He caught a glimmer of confusion in her eyes.
He spoke low, for her ears alone. “I’ve made a mistake, Tessa. I was trying to keep you safe, just like you were doing for Matt. I realize now that I was wrong to do so. I hope reading these notes will make you happy and finally bring you some peace. But I doubt it.”
He slapped the envelope down on the hood of the truck then turned and walked back to the office.
His throat felt tight, his lungs burning. A powerful doubt overshadowed him but he kept moving. His heart pounded inside his chest. He couldn’t turn back the hands of time and undo all the bad that had happened. He couldn’t change the outcome, no matter how much he wished he could. But over the past weeks, he and Tessa had worked with each other. They’d learned how to get along and even shared some fun and laughter. It had given Sean the hope that they might be friends again. That maybe they could be more than friends. But as soon as she read his notes, he feared that would die. She might never be able to forgive him. But if he ever hoped to recover from his PTSD and win her back, he had to take the chance. He had to let her know everything. Because no matter what, he would never stop loving her.