by Leigh Bale
She didn’t say anything and he began again. “Zach wouldn’t follow me. He ran toward a creek bed instead.”
“Gosser’s Creek,” she said.
“Yes, the same creek where Jared and Megan and their kids had taken refuge. Except that they were located farther down, where the creek widened out and the water provided a lot more security for them. But the position where Zach and I were located offered nothing but a narrow trickle of water. Even if we could make it there in time, I knew there was no way we could survive the burnover.”
He heard her swallow, but she waited for him to continue.
“When I tried to stop him, he slugged me in the face and knocked me down. When I got back up, I couldn’t see him through the smoke. I yelled and yelled for him to come back. I had no idea where he’d gone until hours later, when they found his body.” Sean opened his eyes, the memories drenching him like sheets of icy rain.
“He panicked,” Tessa said, her voice sounding small and uncertain as though she couldn’t believe it.
Sean nodded without looking at her, licking his cracked lips. “Yes, and I couldn’t stop him, Tessa. I tried. Oh, how I tried. But I had only moments to make a choice. I could hurry into the previously burned area and deploy my own shelter, or chase after Zach and die with him. I couldn’t do both.” He paused, his voice wavering. “I chose life. All I could think about was getting back to you. Loving you. Being with you always. But now I wonder if it was selfish of me to do so. I wanted to live. More than anything else on earth. I lay there in my fire shelter and listened to Zach’s screams and I couldn’t do a single thing to save him.”
A horrible, swelling silence followed. Moisture clogged his eyes. Tears ran down her cheeks, too. He hated that he had made her cry again. Hated for her to know that her brother died a long, painful death.
“It wasn’t your fault, Sean,” she finally said. “When they recovered Zach’s body, they discovered he was missing his gloves. But you were so secretive and refused to talk to me so I thought perhaps you’d done something else to cause his death. Now, I realize that isn’t so.”
“Yes, Zach lost his gloves and it was my fault,” he confirmed.
She stared at him and her eyes widened. “No, it wasn’t.”
He looked down. “Yes it was. Gloves can make the difference between life and death. Without them, Zach couldn’t hold on to his fire shelter during the intense heat. I remember during an earlier rest period that day, he’d laid his gloves down while we ate our lunch. When we moved on, he must have forgotten to pick them up again.”
“But that wasn’t your error,” she reiterated, her voice choked by tears.
A fresh bout of emotion slammed into him and he gulped a shaky breath. “I should have given him mine. If I’d been paying attention, I would have noticed he’d lost his gloves. He was working under me. He was my concern. I should have made certain that he was okay, even if it meant giving him my gloves.”
“No,” she cried. “Every hotshot knows they need their gloves to do their work. It’s a standard piece of equipment. It was Zach’s responsibility. No one expected you to forfeit your own life for him.”
“But he was my friend. The Savior said that there is no greater love than to lay down your life for your friends. I should have done that for Zach. If I’d been more vigilant, I could have ensured he had gloves. I could have made him come with me.”
She shook her head. “How? He fought you, Sean. Even with gloves, Zach might still have died. He panicked and ran the wrong way. The fire was too intense for him to survive even if he could have held on to his fire shelter. You couldn’t force him to go with you. Not without dying, too. And that wouldn’t have been right. I don’t believe God would want you to throw away your own life like that. I wouldn’t want it, either.”
He lifted his gaze, his heart in his throat. “Do you really mean that?”
“Yes! I absolutely do.”
He couldn’t deny the conviction in her voice, or on her face. He knew she was speaking the truth. And her trust in him meant so much. It meant everything.
“I’ve learned that I need to have more faith,” he said. “That I need to trust in the Lord. I need to trust in you, too. I didn’t think that you could ever forgive me after what happened to Zach. That you would blame me. I’m sorry I couldn’t save him, Tessa. So very sorry.”
She made a small noise as if she was trying to contain her emotion. Then she flung her arms around his neck, holding tight. He flinched, his body still sore from the various superficial burns he’d received during their most recent fire. He couldn’t fight her anymore. Not now. Not when she knew everything. Not when he loved her so much.
“It wasn’t your fault, Sean. I’m telling you, it wasn’t your fault. And you know I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. So you’ve got to believe me. I love you. I always will. There’s nothing you can say or do to make me stop.”
Her words rushed over him like a cleansing balm. Soothing his pain. Bringing the comfort he’d craved for so long.
“The Atonement of Christ can heal all wounds,” she said. “Let God take this burden from you now. I’m here for you. You don’t have to carry this alone anymore. Neither of us will ever get over losing Zach, but I’d like to let the Atonement heal us now. We get to remember those people we’ve loved and lost, but it doesn’t have to be all bad. Let’s focus on the good memories.”
“I can’t tell you how much I want to do that,” he said.
“You can, sweetheart. Oh, you can.”
He held her close, breathing her in.
“When I saw that wall of flame close off my sight to you, I felt something horrible inside.”
“And what was that?” she asked.
“I thought I’d never see you again. That I’d lose you, just like I lost Zach. And I didn’t want to die without telling you that I loved you.”
She made a small sound, like a tearful laugh of joy. “Oh, Sean! Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that? Do you really mean it?”
“I do, sweetheart. I’ve realized that we’re better off being together than being lonely apart. We have to live for each other. We have to trust each other.”
“Yes, Sean. It’s about time you realized that. And it’s time I realized it, too.” She whispered the words against his ear, snuggling closer to his warmth.
“I almost can’t believe this is really happening.”
“Well, it is,” she said. “You asked me to trust you. And now I’m asking you to trust me. Can you do that, darling?”
He went very still. “Yes, Tess. I trust you, too.”
She kissed his neck as though she never wanted to let go.
After a few moments he spoke softly. “Matt and I went to see Gavin last night.”
She quirked her brows. “You did?”
“Yeah, he’s back at home with his grandpa. He’s still carrying a chip on his shoulder as big as Texas, but we told him we wouldn’t give up on him. We invited him back to our Scout meetings. We made sure he knew he still has friends who care about him. And that’s when I realized something else.”
“What’s that?” Her eyes softened as she listened intently.
“I realized that I was willing to fight for that lost boy, but I’d given up on myself. And I knew I couldn’t do that. God wouldn’t want that. If I wanted to teach Gavin and Matt about repentance and forgiveness, then I had to set an example for them. I had to forgive myself for what happened to Zach.”
“Yes. Oh, yes,” she said.
“I’ve decided to leave the hotshot crew,” he said. “I’ve asked Jared Marshall if he can give me a desk job somewhere. Apparently Tim Wixler is retiring at the end of December. Jared said I could have his job if I want it. He’ll make me his assistant fire management officer anytime I want the job.”
She drew
back and met his eyes. “Would a desk job make you happier?”
He tightened his hold around her. “I thought I should leave the crew so that I never caused anyone’s death again. I promised myself that I’d leave just as soon as I fulfilled my promise to Zach.”
“And what promise is that?” she asked.
“When you first joined the hotshot crew, I gave Zach my vow that I’d do everything in my power to keep you safe on the fireline. That I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you ever.”
“Well, you’ve certainly kept your word,” she said. “But you didn’t cause anyone’s death. And I don’t care where you work, as long as you’re happy and we’re together. I know you’re good at your job. There’s none better. And the hotshot crew benefits from your leadership. You’ve done a great job keeping them safe. They rely on you, Sean.”
He arched one brow. “Do you really mean that?”
She gave one decisive nod. “I do.”
He released a cleansing sigh. “Then I guess it doesn’t matter if I stay or go.”
“That’s right. You should do what makes you the happiest.”
“All right, then I’ll tell Jared that I want to stay right here with the Minoa Hotshots. And if he’s smart, he’ll hold Tim Wixler’s job open until you graduate with your master’s degree in the spring and then hire you as his assistant FMO.”
She looked up at him, her eyelashes spiked by tears. “Do you think he would do that?”
“I do. It’s certainly worth asking him.”
“That job would make me your boss,” she teased.
He flashed a wide smile. “I don’t mind.”
“It would also mean that we could stay right here in Minoa,” she said. “But no matter where we might go, I’ll always follow you. No jobs are worth more than what we share together. I love you, Sean. You’re not pushing me away anymore. You can be as mean and nasty as you want, but I’m not leaving. You’re stuck with me. For good this time. Got it?”
He gave a shuddering laugh. “I’ve got it, Tessie. I’m so sorry for ever breaking up with you.”
“Then why did you?” she asked.
“Because I felt responsible for Zach’s death and I thought you deserved better than to be married to the man who got your brother killed. I feared that one day you would blow up and leave me. I feared you would come to despise me. And I didn’t want a divorce for us.”
“You didn’t get Zach killed. He was just a firefighter who lost his life in the line of duty. It happened. In my heart, you’re both heroes, because you put your lives on the line to save others.” Her voice was filled with compassion.
He contemplated her words for several moments. How he wanted to believe her. “I think I’ll always feel responsible somehow. But when I was trying to save Dwight Connor’s life during that fire a few days ago, I realized I wasn’t in control of anything. God was. Only He could save us. And so I prayed. And I felt absolute peace wash over me. It was amazing, but I know God was there, directing me in what I should do. He kept us all safe.”
She gave a hoarse laugh. “Oh, Sean. I don’t doubt it at all.”
“I also want you to know that I visited with my doctor yesterday,” he said.
“Well, of course you did. You just got out of the hospital.”
“No, I mean my psychiatrist. He’s helping me work through my PTSD and survivor’s guilt. It won’t happen overnight, but I’m committed to getting better.”
She released a slow breath and nodded, her expression soft and accepting. “I’m so glad. I’ve been very worried about you.”
He lifted a hand and rested it on the counter to steady himself. “I was in denial for a long time. I didn’t want to accept that I had a problem, that I had PTSD and couldn’t fix it on my own. But you helped me realize that I needed outside help. I know it sounds odd, but I feel better now than I have in a year, and it’s all because of you.”
She shook her head. “No, Sean. I should have been more supportive from the start. I should have realized you pushed me away not because of anything you had done, but simply because you couldn’t accept that you couldn’t save Zach. So you blamed yourself.”
“There wasn’t anything you could have done,” he said. “I had to figure it out by myself. I had to seek help on my own. And I’ve finally done that. But I almost lost you in the process.”
“No, I’m still here.”
“I hope so,” he said. “I don’t want to lose you, Tessa. I love you and want you in my life. Nothing’s more important to me than being with you.”
Her eyes shimmered with happiness. “I’ve waited a long, lonely time to hear you say that.”
“I’m just sorry it took me so long.” A sudden lightness filled his heart. As though Zach was telling him to finally lay this burden down and live again. That he could finally be happy.
With Tessa.
She kissed him deeply, holding nothing back. And when they finally drew in a breath, he looked into her eyes and felt deep, abiding joy. They’d gone through a tremendous trial, but God had brought them through. The exhilaration and peace he felt was exquisite and complete.
“I suppose you’ll want me to marry you now,” he teased her, hoping she said yes.
She laughed, the sound high and sweet. “Of course I do. It’s about time. The sooner, the better. We should have already gotten married last winter, so we’ve got to make up for lost time.”
He pulled her close, welcoming her softness. Leaning his head down, he brushed the tip of his nose against hers. “Yes, it’s time. You’re right, of course.”
“I usually am,” she quipped.
He smiled, his heart overflowing with contentment. “Just name the date and I’ll be there.”
Her eyes locked with his as though she could see deep into his heart. Her gaze was filled with the tenderness and love he craved more than the air he breathed.
“I’ll call Mom and we’ll start making plans. She’ll be thrilled. I love you, Sean.”
“That’s all I wanted to hear,” he said.
He kissed her again, and no more words were needed. Not now. Not when they’d found their joy. Their happiness. Their love. It was here, in each other’s arms. Together. Forever.
* * * * *
If you enjoyed this book, pick up the first
MEN OF WILDFIRE story from Leigh Bale!
HER FIREFIGHTER HERO
And don’t miss these other books by Leigh Bale:
FALLING FOR THE FOREST RANGER
HEALING THE FOREST RANGER
THE FOREST RANGER’S RETURN
THE FOREST RANGER’S CHRISTMAS
THE FOREST RANGER’S RESCUE
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Dear Reader,
In this story, Sean Nash has lost his best friend while fighting a wildfire. Even though it was no one’s fault, Sean blames himself, suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and survivor’s guilt. In the process, he has pushed away Tessa, his fiancée, and refused to seek help for his sickness. It takes a lot of faith and patience for Sean to finally hand his burdens over to the Lord and let go of his pain.
When we face difficulties in our lives, it’s so easy to blame others. It’s easy to blame ourselves. Sometimes this is justified and sometimes it’s not. But hating ourselves or others and holding a grudge never helps the situation. It does nothing more than canker our hearts and spirits. And that’s not what our Heavenly Father
wants for us. Through the Atonement, we have the healing power of repentance and can be forgiven of our sins. Through the power of faith, we can receive the strength we need to move forward with happy, productive lives. We need to trust that God is the great equalizer and will make everything right for us. His judgments are pure and will bring justice to every wrong.
I hope you enjoy reading this story and I invite you to visit my website at www.LeighBale.com to learn more about my books.
May you find peace in the Lord’s words!
Leigh Bale
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