by AC Netzel
A weak smile curls up from her mouth and she closes her eyes again. I take a step back as Ben takes my place, leaning close to her, gently placing his hand on top of hers.
“So much of me is because of the things you taught me,” he says softly. “I still need you here. There’s so much more to learn.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispers weakly, her eyes still closed. “It’s my time to fly.”
He nods his head minutely. “I love you.” He kisses her forehead and stands, walking to the foot of her bed and faces her.
~o0o~
The room is silent. Somber. Grim. I glance at the heart monitor and watch her heart beating slower and slower with each passing minute.
Glued in our spots, we watch her take fewer and fewer breaths. Stuart walks across the room and wraps his arm around Elizabeth’s waist. She curls into him.
Ben is still standing stoically at the foot of the bed, watching her. Expressionless. Numb, I suppose. I stand by his side and glide my hand up and down his arm. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t acknowledge me.
He doesn’t need to.
For the next hour, my eyes scan between the heart rate monitor, Kitty, the family, and Ben. Her heartbeats are visibly slower and fewer. The room is still and silent. Beverly rests her hand on Dick’s thigh. He looks at her and nods slightly, bringing his attention back to his mother. Elizabeth’s head is leaning on Stuart’s shoulder. He tightens his arm around her waist.
Ben hasn’t moved. He’s just watching her. Occasionally peeking at the heart monitor, studying the less frequent blips then redirects his attention back to his grandmother.
Kitty’s eyelids flutter; opening her eyes, she gasps. “He’s here,” she whispers then exhales a short breath, closing her eyes once more with a smile left on her lips.
And just like that…
She’s gone.
Chapter 13
I sneak a quick look at the heart monitor. There’s one long continuous flat line. I keep hoping a sudden blip will appear, and she’ll come back to us, but the straight green line remains.
Beverly rests her head on Dick’s shoulder and dabs the corner of her eyes with the handkerchief in her hand. Elizabeth turns into Stuart’s waiting arms as he holds her, rocking her back and forth while she silently weeps.
Ben stands motionless at the foot of her bed, staring at her in almost a catatonic state. I’m not sure what to do. Do I leave him alone and give him space or comfort him? He’s not giving me any clues.
Finally, I squeeze his bicep to let him know I’m here. That snaps him out of wherever his thoughts went. He takes my hand and laces his fingers in mine. We stand at the foot of the bed, looking at his grandmother, lying in front of us, breathless and still … reunited with the love of her life… who came for her.
Just as she knew he would.
~o0o~
After a long while, eerily silent, a nurse enters the room asking if there’s anything anyone needs. Beverly shakes her head, and everyone gathers their things to leave.
“I’m going to call the funeral director to come and retrieve her. You’re welcome to come back to our place,” Dick says quietly.
“Okay,” Elizabeth chokes out. Stuart still has his arm wrapped protectively around her waist, as she leans into him.
Ben unlaces his fingers from mine. “I’m going to head home. I’ll call you later,” Ben tells his family. He kisses Elizabeth’s cheek. Stuart gives him a quick hug.
My usual opinion about this family fades. All I feel is sorrow for them. Despite who they are, they loved this great woman. I think about the impact Kitty had on my life in such a short period of time, and I realize…
I loved her too.
I’ve never watched someone die before. For Kitty, it was like seeing someone peacefully drift away. Death is a curious thing; it strips away the bullshit, bringing forward what’s important while we’re here. Family. The family we’re born to and the family we collect by way of friends.
I have no doubt that in death; Kitty will live on. Ben will always have her. I hope he knows that.
“I’m very sorry for your loss,” I say to Elizabeth, sincerely.
“Thank you,” She nods and hugs me. My eyes widen slightly, surprised by her show of affection, and I hug her back. “Please take care of him,” she whispers softly in my ear.
“I will,” I whisper back. She nods and curls herself back into Stuart’s arms. Stuart and I exchange knowing glances. Our jobs are to comfort.
Dick and Beverly walk up to Ben and me. “I trust you’ll take care of any calls needed on your end?” Dick asks.
“Yes,” Ben says.
“Very well. I’ll speak to you later tonight. Good night, son.”
“Dad, I’m sorry.” He shakes Dick’s hand, holding it a little longer than usual.
He takes a step over to Beverly and kisses her cheek. Beverly skims the back of her hand against his cheek. “The two of you had a very special bond. She loved you very much,” she tells Ben.
“I know. Thanks,” he says, kissing her cheek again.
“Mr. and Mrs. Martin, I’m so very sorry.”
“Thank you, Julia. She was quite fond of you,” Dick says.
“The feeling was mutual.”
Instinctively, I want to hug them but their rigid body language tells me otherwise. For now, all they want are kind words. And I respect that.
Ben’s parents leave with Elizabeth and Stuart. Ben turns to me. “Can you give me a minute? Alone?”
“Of course.” I leave the room and stand by the nurses’ station in the hallway. I watch Ben standing on the side of his grandmother; leaning down, he takes her hand and whispers something in her ear.
It’s painful to witness him saying goodbye. I want to run in that room and hold him. I want to crumble. But I can’t. I have to be strong for him.
After a few minutes, he walks over to me in the hallway. I thought I’d have to pretend I didn’t notice his tears, but I don’t. There are none, no misty red-rimmed eyes. Nothing.
I wrap my arms around him and hold him. Just hold him. Because it’s all I can do.
“What can I do for you?” I ask, sniffing back my tears.
He sighs. “Turn back the clock.”
“I’m so sorry, Ben. I wish I could.”
“I know. Thanks for coming here so quickly. I know it meant a lot to her.”
“She meant a lot to me. She was an amazing woman. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. I know,” he says quietly.
“Do you want to go back to your place?” I ask.
He nods, taking one last glance at his grandmother who now has a nurse in the room with her, disconnecting the heart rate monitor.
We walk arm in arm to the elevator, my head resting on his shoulder and head back to his place.
~o0o~
“Are you hungry? I can make you something. Or order something in. Whatever you want,” I ask.
“No, just sit with me for a while. I’m drained. I’m exhausted. I don’t know what I am.”
We walk over to the couch. I sit on one end, and Ben lies down with his head in my lap. He closes his eyes and I rake my fingernails gently through his soft hair.
“Can I call anyone for you?” I ask.
“No. I’ll take care of all that shit later. I don’t have the energy now.”
“Okay. I’m so sorry, Ben.”
“I know you are.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m okay,” he says. But I know he’s not.
“I love you,” I say, biting my bottom lip to stop it from quivering.
“I love you too.”
“Are you sure there isn’t anything…”
He cuts me off, cracking open an eye. “All I want is quiet.”
“I’m sorry, it’s just my nerves. I’ll shut up. Rest.”
No tears, no anger, no signs of grief… like he’s closed himself off to any emotion. An
d that worries me a little.
Right now, he’s worn out. He closes his eyes and falls into an exhausted sleep.
Chapter 14
I wake up slouched into the arm of Ben’s couch. Ben’s gone. Blinking a few times to focus, I scan the room looking for him. Gone. I stand from the couch and walk into the kitchen. He’s not there.
I know exactly where to find him.
The door to his Coin Shrine is wide open. The room is dimly lit by a small lamp on the corner of the desk. Ben is sitting at his desk, leaning backing his chair. He’s staring at the wall in front of him, holding an opened blue velvet box. I recognize the box immediately. It contains the last coin his grandfather collected before he was too ill to continue his hobby. Ben must have removed it from his safe as a reminder of happier times.
Leaning on the frame of the doorway, I watch him. My heart is breaking for him. I wish I knew some magic word that could erase his pain. But there are no words, especially when his pain is so new.
I should give him space and leave him to his thoughts. I turn to go back to the living room and wait for him. As I step away, a wooden floor plank in the hallway creaks.
“Hey,” he says softly, placing the velvet box down on the desk and turning around in his chair.
“Hi. Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you. I’ll go back to the living room.”
“It’s fine. Come in.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude.”
“Yes. Sit with me.” He rolls the chair back, tapping his hand on his thigh.
I walk into the room and curl into his lap, wrapping my hands around his neck, kissing his forehead softly. He wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me close to him. Tilting his head down to me, he kisses me so tenderly; it nearly brings me to tears.
“You’re beautiful, Julia. Everything about you is beautiful.”
“You’re the one who’s beautiful. I love you so much. And I’m so sorry.”
“I know. Thank you.”
“Can I do anything for you?”
“No. I’m good.”
“1796 25C Draped Bust Quarter,” I say, admiring the coin in the velvet box on his desk.
He smiles. “You remember.”
“Yes, I remember. I used to think your coin collection was a little geeky.”
“You still think it’s geeky,” he corrects.
“Maybe.” I shrug a shoulder.
“Maybe?” He lifts a brow.
“Okay. Yes. But it’s also one of the reasons I fell in love with you.”
He frowns. “How so?”
“By keeping your grandfather’s collection alive, I saw how much you loved your grandparents. I remember thinking how sweet it was.”
“Until my glasses caught your attention.” He smirks.
“Yeah, well… you looked studious. And hot.”
He gives me a half smile. “Thanks for being here today. My grandmother adored you. I know she was glad you were there… at the end.” He tightens his arms around me, holding me close to him.
“I adored her too. I’m going to miss our visits. She was one of a kind.”
“She was,” he says quietly. “I can’t believe she’s gone. Never for a minute did I even consider the possibility that she’d die.”
“She seemed invincible.”
“I thought she was.”
I rest my head against his. “I know. I’m sorry. Ben, you don’t have to be brave around me. If you want to scream, cry or throw things… do it. I know you’re hurting. It’s okay to let it out. I’m here for the bad stuff just as much as the good.”
“That’s your way. It’s not mine. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine,” he assures me.
He says all the right things, but I don’t believe a word of it. I wonder if he believes it. I’m not about to argue with a man who has buried his grief so deep until he can find the strength to deal with it, so I let it go.
~o0o~
We sit quietly in the coin room for a long while. I convince Ben to eat half a sandwich. Afterward, he made what seemed like endless phone calls. Finally, he settles down next to me on the couch. Dark bags are under his eyes, and he’s yawning.
“You look exhausted,” I say.
“I am.”
“You should get some rest.”
“I don’t know if I can. My mind is going a million miles an hour.”
“Why don’t you just lie down on your bed? The next few days are going to be difficult.”
“I can’t imagine anything more difficult than today,” he snaps.
“You’re right, that was stupid of me to say.”
“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way.” He takes my hand and kisses the back. “It’s been a long day.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. Can I stay with you tonight?”
“Worried about me?”
I shrug. “I want to be here for you.”
He takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly while he contemplates my request. He nods, stands up from the couch, and holds his hand out to me to help me off.
~o0o~
I brush my teeth and slip on one of Ben’s T-shirts to sleep in. He’s already in bed, worn out. I climb in next to him, lie down, and face him.
Never speaking a word, he gently glides his index finger back and forth along my jawline, eventually sliding across my cheek until he’s tracing my lips. His expression pensive, his eyes dull. He looks so sad. And it’s killing me inside.
I reach across and gently stroke his cheek with the back of my hand. He smiles wistfully then closes his eyes, placing his hand over mine and holding it in place against his cheek.
I ache for him. And for as much as I tried all day, I can’t hold back any longer. My bottom lip trembles uncontrollably and warm tears roll down my cheeks. The day has caught up with me and overwhelms me—the loss of Kitty and witnessing this man I love in silent pain. He opens his eyes and wipes away my tears with the back of his thumb.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out.
“It’s okay,” he says softly.
“I’m the one who’s supposed to be comforting you.”
“Come here.” He pulls me closer to him, flipping me around until my back is to his front and holds me. “You’re with me. That’s all I need right now.”
I nod, biting down on my lip and blink back more tears.
“Sleep,” he whispers, kissing the back of my head. “Tomorrow is going to be a long day.”
“Ben Martin, I love you.” I didn’t know it was possible to love him any more, but I do. And I know tomorrow, I’m going to wake up and love him even more than I do right now.
“So, the rumor’s true?” he asks, carrying out what should be my job and lightening the somber mood.
I let out a small chuckle. “Afraid so.”
“Good, I was counting on it.” He kisses the back of my head again, tightening his arms around me. “Goodnight, beautiful Julia.”
“Goodnight, Ben.”
~o0o~
It’s been two days since Kitty’s death. I offered to help him with the arrangements; he thanked me politely and declined. He probably needed to keep himself busy. Maybe he wanted to be alone with his thoughts. I followed my instincts and left him on his own. It killed me to do it. But I’ve learned over our few months together that occasionally Ben needs space for a day or two. That’s just the way he’s wired. And I completely understand, especially this time.
Tonight is Kitty’s wake. There’s just one viewing. I assume that’s the way it’s done in small families. Wakes in my family are an event—two days then a funeral and an enormous luncheon the next day.
I haven’t seen him since the morning after his grandmother died, and I’m a little nervous. He sounds okay on the phone when we speak. He says all the right things. He sounds like himself. But knowing how close he was to her, I know there’s got to be more going on in his head. Things he isn’t letting out. Maybe he is, and that’s why he needed to be on his
own for a while.
They say everyone grieves differently. There are no rules, no proper way to grieve. Quietly is his way.
I take a deep breath and enter the funeral parlor. These places always look the same. Why do they decorate the rooms like a Victorian Era brothel? It’s peculiar. Every funeral home I’ve been to have the same ornate, dark burgundy or muted rose color crushed-velvet Victorian furniture… couches, loveseats, single chairs. I bet there’s a player piano lying around here somewhere.
And what’s with the little bowl of wrapped mints? Supplies for mourners with a nasty case of halitosis looking for a hook-up? Strange little world.
I spot Ben in the lobby talking to some man in a suit. I think it’s the funeral director. Ben looks so handsome in his black suit and charcoal grey tie. And so serious. I recognize the frown lines on his forehead. He’s understandably tense. His body language gives him away… not to others, but I see it. He’s struggling to keep it together. My heart breaks for him. I should have insisted I stay. Maybe leaving him alone was the wrong choice. I hate hindsight.
He spots me from the corner of his eye, gesturing for me to wait by holding up an index finger. When he’s done talking with the director, he strolls over to me, leaning down to give me a quick peck on the lips.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hi. How are you doing?” I ask, running my hands up and down his jacket lapels.
“I’m fine. Just want to get this over with.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
“No. Let’s go in, my family is already in the visitation room.” He places his hand on the small of my back and leads me right up to the front of the room and the casket.
Kitty is laid out in the casket wearing a lavender chiffon gown; her hands crossed over her stomach. I always wondered why they lay women out in gowns, like they’re going dancing in the Great Ballroom in the sky.
The huge floral displays on either side of the casket are stunning, along with some smaller arrangements scattered around. I bet the bigger arrangements came from one of Stuart’s Florist shops.
We kneel at the bench in front of the casket. I say a silent prayer for Kitty. Ben just stares at her. God, he looks so tired. I bet he hasn’t slept. I want to rest my head on his shoulder and have him tell me everything will be alright. But I’m here to comfort him, not the other way around.