by AC Netzel
“Don’t.” Panicked, I place my finger over his lips. “I’ve changed my mind. Don’t say anything.” I’m fighting the contents of last night’s dinner from coming up my throat. This is bad, I know it’s bad.
He grabs hold of my finger and pulls it down away from his mouth, still holding it in his hand.
“I have to.” He sighs heavily. “We need a break.”
“Like a couple of days?” It wouldn’t be the first time Ben’s needed a little space.
“No.”
“A week?” I ask weakly.
“No.” He shakes his head.
“You’re not talking about a break, are you? You want a break-up.”
“Look at us. You’re miserable. I can’t make you happy. You deserve better than this.”
His words rip the air from my lungs. The room is spinning in dizzying nauseating circles. I think I’m about to pass out.
“No. You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re overwhelmed and confused. Ben, please don’t do this,” I plead.
“It’s not fair to you. You’re getting crumbs from me. You deserve so much more.”
“I’ll take the crumbs.”
“I don’t know if I’m meant for this.”
“For what?”
“A relationship like this.”
I grab his face in my hands, turning it until we’re looking directly into each other’s eyes. My eyes widen in horror.
“You’re just stressed out. You’ve had a lot going on in a short period of time. This is your grief talking.”
“This is me talking.” He sounds defeated, resigned even.
“You have doubts… about us?”
“I have doubts about me. I don’t know if I’m cut out for this.”
“Is there someone else?” I whisper, swallowing hard, sickened that those words even entered my thoughts.
He shakes his head and his expression softens. “No,” he says quietly. “It’s only been you.” The sincerity in his eyes tells me he’s truthful.
“I’m not good enough for you?”
“What?” He frowns, shaking his head. “You’re better than me in every sense of the word.”
“You don’t love me anymore?” My voice cracks. I place my hand over my mouth, holding in a sob.
“I love you more than you know,” his voice somber and sad.
“Then why? Why do you want to tear us apart?”
“I need to figure out my life.”
“And if I belong in it?”
“I’ve always kept a distance from relationships. Right now, I need things simple and uncomplicated. Relationships have responsibilities I’m not capable of meeting. It’s better this way. My head is filled with too much shit. I can’t give you anything. I have nothing to give.”
“I’ll wait. I’ll take the little parts of you until you piece yourself back together.”
“That’s not fair to you.”
“And you think this is? Ripping out my heart is fair? You’re making no sense. This is all a bad dream. I’m dreaming right now, aren’t I?” I asked, panicked.
“I just want you happy.”
“I am happy. You make me happy.”
“Not lately. You deserve so much more. I can’t give it to you. That’s why I have to let you go.”
“Shut up. Just shut up. You once told me to believe in you. You promised you'd never hurt me. You see why it’s so unbelievable? You're a liar. I was stupid enough to believe you meant forever.”
“Maybe we're not meant to spend forever together.”
“I don’t believe that and neither do you. Don’t push me away. I’ll push right back. I won’t give up on us. We have something special. I felt it last night. I know you feel this, Ben. This thing between us. And I know you will never feel this,” I wave my hand between the two of us, “with anyone else. I know it. You feel it? Don't you?”
“Yes. I feel it. What I feel for you has nothing to do with this.”
“You’re wrong... what you feel for me has everything to do with this. Do you know how many times I’ve cried over you? Over us? Over what we’ve become? I know you’re in pain, but shutting me out of your life isn’t the way to soothe it.”
“Julia…”
“Don’t ‘Julia’ me. I’m sorry your family sucks. I’m sorry your grandmother died. And I’m sorry you lost your desire to write. But this break is our death sentence. I know it, and you know it too. You’ve given up on everything you love including us. I’m not stupid, Ben. I know what a break is; it’s an excuse to walk away from our relationship. An excuse to fuck other people without the guilt. Isn’t that right Mr. Casual? That’s what this break is. Go back to your Pre-Julia days, before you were pinned down to just one.”
“This has nothing to do with sex.”
“I won’t live my life in limbo waiting for you to decide if you like me. If I’m worth your time.”
“No, no. That’s not...” he says emphatically, shaking his head.
I interrupt him. “If you loved me you wouldn’t do this.”
“I’m doing this because I love you. I'm a fucking mess. You deserve better than this.”
“You don’t get to decide what I deserve. I decide that.”
“This isn't easy for me. I'm trying not to be selfish and do right by you.”
“You think crushing me is selfless? You have a distorted view of what selfish is... because shredding my heart to pieces feels pretty fucking selfish to me.”
I lean back in the chair and close my eyes, composing myself. My eyes widen when it all dawns on me. Everything that lead up to this horrific moment. Our night of passion… that good morning kiss.
“Oh my God. Last night you knew. When you were holding me, whispering in my ear, making love to me… you knew you were going to do this, didn’t you?” I whisper. “Last night wasn’t us making up… it was you saying goodbye. Wasn’t it?”
He stares down at the floor, raking his fingers through his hair.
“Answer me,” I snap.
He looks back up at me with a pained expression.
“Yes,” he whispers.
A sob escapes as I cover my mouth with my hand.
“I have to go,” I choke out, pushing him aside with my arm. I leap from the chair and run to his bedroom.
Rushing into his room, I wipe the tears falling down my cheeks with my hands. I pick up my clothes scattered on the floor from his farewell fuck. I take off his T-shirt and slip on my bra and panties while playing over and over in my mind hundreds of tiny moments we shared, happy moments tucked away… and how he can cast that all aside so easily.
I grab my shirt off the floor and catch a glimpse of Ben leaning in the doorway… looking as gutted as I feel.
I bend down and grab a shoe. “Remember when you told me to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop?” I open my hand, and the shoe falls to the floor. “Well, it fucking dropped, didn’t it? I’ve always respected your need for space, and I gave it to you willingly. But I’ve just lost all respect for you. You are a coward. I know you love me. I feel it when you touch me. I see it when you look at me. And you’re tossing it all away because it’s complicated, and your head is messed up. Guess what, Ben, just because life is messy and complicated doesn’t mean you stop living it.”
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly.
“You’re sorry? Fuck you. They’re just words. They used to hold meaning. But since you’re abandoning your writing as well as abandoning me… your apology and your precious words are meaningless.” I shake my head in disbelief. “One day you’ll realize that I was the one… and it’ll be too late.”
Sitting on the edge of his bed, I throw on my shirt, skirt, and shove my shoes on my feet.
He watches me silently. He looks absolutely devastated, but he’s not making any attempt to stop this from happening.
“I should have known it was too good to be true.” I look up at him, ignoring the tears falling down my face. “Was it all a lie? Us. A big beau
tiful lie?” I ask softly.
He shakes his head. “No.”
“You were supposed to be my happily ever after.”
“I don’t think I’m meant to have a happily ever after.”
He’s damned himself into a permanent state of misery.
“Tell me… What do you see when you look at me?” I ask quietly.
“I don’t know. I don’t know anymore,” he whispers.
“You don’t know? I look at you and I’ve never been so sure of anything. I see happiness and joy. I see unwavering love and devotion, especially in tough times.” I swallow hard. “And you don’t know?” I ask in disbelief, my voice cracking.
I walk past him toward the front door and grab my handbag. Ben follows closely behind.
A calming numbness envelopes me, protecting me from the heartbreaking misery unfolding like I’m having an out-of-body experience, watching someone else’s nightmare played out in front of me.
My hopes, my dreams, my plans stolen in a matter of minutes.
I spin around to face him, our gazes meet.
“Do you want me to give my heart to another man? Give my body to someone else? Let him undress me, touch me, kiss me… Fuck me? Do you want me to scream out his name when he’s inside me; doing all the things you loved to do to me? Is that what you want?” I ask, slowly drawing out each word, never raising my voice or breaking eye contact.
He closes his eyes briefly and flinches like he was just punched in the stomach.
“Are you purposely trying to hurt me?” he whispers, gazing directly into my eyes.
“Yes,” I answer bitterly, never breaking eye contact.
He takes a deep breath and blows it out quickly, his eyes glassy, then clears his throat. He shakes his head minutely but says nothing as my spiteful words cut through him.
He grabs hold of my arms, pressing his forehead against mine.
“I can’t give you what I know you need. I love you. Please believe that,” he says softly, his voice cracking. He’s told me he loves me a thousand times before. This is the first time it’s painful to hear.
He leans in to kiss me, but I take a step back, shaking my head. I grab hold of the doorknob and turn it, opening the door.
“But that’s not enough for you. Is it?” I whisper, barely able to get out the words. “No one will ever love you as much as I do. You were it for me. I thought I was for you too. I guess I was wrong.”
“Julia, I…,” he begins. I put my hand up to stop him.
“I will never be sorry for falling in love with you. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for. I want you to be happy, even if it’s without me.” I lift my hand and caress his cheek, looking for one last connection. He closes his eyes and places his hand on top of mine, holding it tightly.
He tries to wrap his arms around me to hold me, but I break away, shaking my head.
“No. You don’t get to hold me anymore. You gave up that right. Goodbye, Ben.”
He nods slowly, his eyes are red and glassy, his pain evident.
“Goodbye, Julia.”
Chapter 19
My legs are shaking. I steady myself by leaning my trembling hand against the wall in the hallway. I stagger down the hall toward the elevator, never looking back. I know he’s watching me. I feel his gaze on me, but I’m not going to torture myself and look back.
I push the call button and wait, staring straight ahead at the shiny elevator doors.
“Please hurry, please hurry,” I whisper.
Tears are rolling down my cheeks, but I won’t let him see me wipe them away. I leave them, taking in several short puffs of air to calm myself.
I need to think. How can he do this to me? How can he do this to us? I knew things weren’t great, but I had no idea he didn’t want me anymore.
Have we been fooling ourselves? He was never going to be a relationship guy. I should have listened to my gut. I knew it when I met him. It comes so naturally to me. But in just a matter of minutes, he threw it away.
I leave the building, practically falling out of the front doors and squint when the brilliant daylight hits me. How can the sun shine so brightly when everything around me feels so dark?
What do I do? Where do I go? I don’t want to go back to my apartment. I can’t… there’s too many happy memories associated with it now. I’m not ready to face that. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.
In the heels I wore to work yesterday, I walk. Just walk to nowhere—because right now, nowhere is the only place I can handle.
I find myself standing in front of Bethesda Fountain. I have no clue how I ended up here. I don’t remember walking uptown. I don’t remember walking through the entrance to Central Park. I look at the fountain and my heart sinks. He once told me he’d throw all his precious coins in this fountain and make a wish that we’re never apart.
Lies.
I stare at the statue of The Angel of the Waters, who stands atop the fountain. There are half a dozen pigeons resting on her wings. The four cherubs beneath her look deep in thought, maybe they hold the answers. I know they’re supposed to represent virtue, peace, and some other shit. I wouldn’t mind a little help. I remember reading somewhere that the Angel blesses the pool with healing powers. Maybe I should jump in and heal away my pain.
I sit down on a sandstone bench and watch the water cascading into the basin of the fountain then into the surrounding pool. The sound of the water is white noise to the loud voice in my head telling me “I told you so.” In the back of my mind, I worried we were too good to be true. The doubt that once whispered in my ear is now shouting.
I look up to the sky. It’s a brilliant blue with just a few fluffy white clouds. It’s just like the day I met Ben, here, lying on a towel on the Great Lawn. Maybe that’s what drew me to this place. I feel a little closer to him here.
I close my eyes and soak in the sun’s heat on my face. Right now, heat is the only thing I feel: the heat on the outside and the heat within me. Everything else is numb.
How could he do this to us? All I’ve ever done is love him… and it wasn’t enough. How do you break up with someone you say you love? It doesn’t make any sense.
He didn’t want to take away my smile? Ripping out my heart and stomping on it is his solution? God, help me make sense of this.
I open my eyes and watch people enjoying their Saturday on The Terrace. There’s a young couple taking a series of selfies in front of the fountain and a few children making wishes by throwing coins in the water. Some teenagers are in a circle, playing a game of hacky sack. And couples in love are strolling hand in hand around the fountain looking out at the lake behind it.
It’s strange watching people go on with their lives when you feel like yours was just ripped away from you. Life is moving right in front of me, but mine feels like it’s at a standstill.
I pull out my cell and stare at my lock screen. It’s the picture my sister took of us at the beach. He looks so handsome with a devilish grin and his arm around me, pulling me close to him. My green eyes are sparkling, joyful, probably still high from the shower sex we had that morning in the Hamptons house.
We look so happy.
So much in love.
How did we go from there to here? My stomach is turning. My chest feels heavy. This is torture. I turn my phone off. I can’t look at it. Allie is going to have to delete it for me, or I’m going to throw the phone in the fountain.
I stare at the fountain in a daze, not paying attention to anything in particular, when a pigeon lands in front of me. It’s purple and green iridescent neck feathers sparkling in the sun.
“Go away, you filthy rat with wings.”
The pigeon stares at me, craning its neck, then takes a couple of steps toward me, a few inches from my shoes.
“I have no food, bird. Go away.” It cocks its head and studies me. “I thought you disgusting creatures traveled in packs. Did you just get dumped too?”
The bird continues to stare a
t me to the point where I’m getting uncomfortable. It’s bad enough my heart was just torn out of my chest; now there’s a bird getting ready to finish the job by pecking me to death.
“Shoo,” I wave my hand at it.
It’s still examining me, unfazed by my hand waving. I tilt my head and glare at it. There are three rings around its leg, just like the pigeon I saw on Kitty’s window ledge.
“Leonard?”
My God, I’ve gone off the deep end.
The bird cocks his head from side to side, still watching me. It’s making actual eye contact, human eye to beady bird eye, when another bird flies out of the sky and lands next to it.
I remember Ben telling me that pigeons mate for life. I look curiously at bird number two.
“Kitty?” I ask, frowning. “I guess Leonard did come for you. Looks like you got your wish.”
The men in the white coats should be arriving any minute to haul my crazy ass away for a straight jacket fitting. I’m losing my mind.
The pigeons coo and canoodle with each other, one wrapping its neck affectionately around the other, like a bird hug. It’s the sweetest thing, even to a love-hater like me.
“You’re quite charming, Leonard. Just like your grandson. He charmed me until I fell in love with him. Then he dumped me. Now he’s just a charming asshole.”
Leonard is affectionately preening Kitty’s feathers. I roll my eyes. Another neat freak. Now I know where Ben got it. Kitty blinks her beady bird eyes and stares at me.
“You were right,” I say to Kitty, wiping away my tears. “He was under a tremendous amount of pressure before… but when you died, he fell apart. He completely closed me out. I tried. I tried so hard to help him, but he pushed me further away.”
The bird tilts its head. I think it’s listening. I have no one else to talk to, so I continue.
“I tried to convince him to see his therapist, but he flat-out refused. He just broke up with me. Because he loves me. Who does that? He thinks he makes me unhappy. Breaking my heart is supposed to solve that? Do I look happy? I love him so much. I don’t know what to do.” I shake my head, scrubbing my hands over my face.
Glancing over to my side, I see a couple sitting a few feet over staring at me. I secretly stick my middle finger up at them. I must look insane, mumbling to myself. I hate you, Ben. I redirect my attention to the pigeons.